by Cathy Sharp
‘Port and lemon you said, Kathy?’
‘Yes please.’ I took a sip. ‘Oh, that’s lovely. Not too strong.’
Billy grinned. ‘I didn’t think you were a hardened drinker so I told them to put plenty of lemonade in.’ He took a swig of his beer. ‘Are yer enjoyin’ yerself then, Kathy?’
‘Yes, thanks.’ I finished my drink and put the glass down. ‘I’m goin’ to the cloakroom. It’s nearly ten o’clock, Billy. We’ll have time for one more dance before we go, won’t we?’
‘Just about. Mustn’t be late back though or your gran won’t trust me to take you out again.’
I smiled as I moved away from him, knowing that the gift of chocolates he’d brought for Gran when he called to pick me up earlier had gone a long way to winning her over. He had also brought a little posy of flowers for me.
‘Now that’s a lad who knows how to come courtin’,’ Gran had whispered to me as I’d kissed her goodbye.
I was beginning to think Billy was a decent lad and that I quite liked him. He’d given me a good night out and I was feeling relaxed and happy as I made my way back to him after visiting the cloakroom. It was then that someone grabbed my arm roughly, making me swing round to look at him in alarm.
‘What are you doing?’
My heart had begun to thud wildly. I didn’t know this man to speak to, though I’d noticed him standing with the crowd of rowdies at the bar on a couple of occasions. He was one of the lads who seemed to come to the Pally just to drink and stare at the girls.
‘’Ave a drink wiv me, luv?’
‘No, thank you. I’m with someone.’
‘That bleedin’ Billy Ryan. He ain’t no good to yer, Kathy. You come outside wiv me and I’ll show yer wot’s wot.’
His expression made me feel sick deep down inside, and I tried to pull away but his grip tightened on my arm, his fingers digging painfully into my flesh. People were looking at us, some of them frowning, others grinning as if it were amusing.
‘Let me go please. I don’t want to come with you – you are very rude.’
‘Rude, am I? Hoity-toighty bitch! Yer no better than yer ma was and she were anybody’s.’
‘You shut your dirty mouth!’
I pulled sharply away from him and after a tussle he let go of my arm, but then as I tried to move away he caught me about the waist. His intentions were obvious but I was determined that this brute should not maul or kiss me. I gave him a kick on the shins and he swore, raising his right arm to hit me. A cry of alarm escaped me but before I could do anything I felt someone pull me roughly away from his hold and Billy was there.
‘You take your filthy paws off my girl!’ he said and the look on his face was so savage that I was startled. He looked capable of anything at that moment. ‘I’ll teach you some manners, Sam Cotton.’
‘You and whose bleedin’ army?’
‘I don’t need no ’elp,’ Billy said and launched himself at my assailant in a fury.
In another moment they were at it full pelt, punching and jostling. Billy seemed as if he wanted to murder the other man, and I drew back in horror as girls started screaming and the men formed a sort of semicircle around them, yelling encouragement.
‘Give it to ’im, Billy. Kill the bugger!’
‘Hit him, Sam. Give the bastard one for me.’
‘Billy, don’t!’ I cried, feeling horrified as I watched them slugging it out. It was quickly clear that Billy had the advantage and as his fists slammed into Sam Cotton’s chin he went down. The next second Billy was sitting astride him, hitting him in the face over and over again. ‘That’s enough … please. Stop it, Billy. You will kill him.’
It was so awful. Everyone was aware of what was going on, and I felt terribly embarrassed, as if it was all somehow my fault.
‘I thought you were taking a risk coming with him,’ a voice said at my elbow. ‘Billy Ryan has a bit of a reputation …’
‘What do you mean?’ I glanced at Valerie Green. ‘Billy’s all right.’
‘He used to hang around with a rough crowd.’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘It’s nothing to do with me, but you wouldn’t catch me going around with him.’
She walked away without giving me a chance to answer, but my attention was abruptly transferred back to the fight, which had ended as swiftly as it had begun. The owner of the dance hall had sent in his bouncers and they hauled Billy off his vanquished victim, dragging him to the door to eject him despite his protests that Sam Cotton had started the fight.
‘Come on, Kathy,’ he yelled over his shoulder. ‘We’re leaving.’
I followed hurriedly behind him, my cheeks flushed with embarrassment as I heard laughter and jeering. Now that the fight was over people were relieved and amused, but I felt hot with shame.
Billy was wiping blood from his mouth when I joined him outside the hall. He looked at me uncertainly, sensing my mood. ‘I couldn’t let him insult yer like that, Kathy.’
‘You didn’t have to start a fight. You could have simply told him to leave me alone.’
‘Swine like that needs teachin’ a lesson. I’m ’andy with me fists. That will learn ’im and a few others not to mess with my girl.’
There was a look of satisfaction in his eyes that made me angry. ‘You think you’re clever, don’t you, Billy Ryan? Well, I don’t. I hate being made a show of and that’s what you’ve done. Everyone will laugh behind my back.’
‘Yer don’t want ter worry about what folks say. ‘Sides, I weren’t ’avin’ that bleedin’ Sam Cotton bad mouthin’ my girl.’
‘I’m not your girl!’ I glared at him. ‘You don’t imagine I’d go out with you again after that?’
I started to walk away from him. I was smarting because of the insulting way Sam Cotton had behaved towards me, and also Valerie Green’s remarks about Billy. She was a year or so older and I’d known and liked her at school; it pricked my pride to know she thought me a fool for going out with him, especially as I had a sneaking suspicion she might be right.
Billy followed behind me. ‘Don’t be like this, Kathy. I’m sorry the evening was spoiled, but it wasn’t my fault. Sam Cotton is a docker. He couldn’t join up because they said he was needed on the docks – and some of us called him a coward. He hates anyone in uniform, especially me. That’s why he went after yer like that.’
‘He implied my mother was …’ I choked back a sob.
‘Don’t matter what she were,’ Billy said swiftly. ‘You ain’t like ’er, Kathy, and any man with sense knows that. Don’t be mad at me. I only did it fer you.’
I stopped walking and looked at him. ‘Was she a tart – my mother? Tell me the truth, Billy. I really need to know.’
‘I remember talk when she married your da …’ Billy frowned. ‘I were only a lad and me best mate were ill. Tom O’Rourke went away about that time and I were angry at the world because I thought he were goin’ ter die. I didn’t take much notice of anythin’ else, but I know me ma thought Ernie Cole was a fool to marry ’er. Sorry, lass. I can’t tell yer much more. Ma knows it all but whether she’d tell yer …’ He shrugged his shoulders. ‘I shouldn’t let it worry yer, Kathy. No one who knows yer thinks you’re like that.’
I looked at him unhappily. It wasn’t Billy’s fault that the unpleasant incident with Sam Cotton had happened. He had defended me and I supposed I ought to be grateful.
‘You shouldn’t have kept on hitting him like that, Billy. I thought you were going to kill him.’
‘I might ’ave if they ’adn’t dragged me off ’im,’ he admitted. The look in his eyes told me he wasn’t quite so proud of himself now. ‘He made me see red, Kathy. No one treats you like that when I’m around.’ He reached out and stroked my cheek with the tips of his fingers. ‘You’re special to me. Don’t you ever forget that.’
‘Oh, Billy …’ I was moved by something in his voice and manner and didn’t resist as he bent his head and gently kissed me. It was just a brief touch of his lips against m
ine but it made me feel odd. ‘Please don’t, Billy. Not yet. I’m not angry with you now, but I don’t know how I feel. I’m not ready to think about—’
He placed a finger to my lips. ‘’Yer don’t ’ave to say anythin’, Kathy love. I don’t want ter rush yer. It wouldn’t be fair to marry yer while this bleedin’ war’s goin’ on. Yer don’t want ter be a widow before you’re a wife.’
‘Billy!’ I went cold all over. ‘Don’t say that. Nothing is going to happen to you.’
‘Not if I can bleedin’ ’elp it!’ He grinned at me. ‘I’ve got too much ter come ’ome for. You are goin’ ter wait fer me, ain’t yer, Kathy?’
‘Don’t swear so much,’ I reproved with a little smile. ‘Da swears somethin’ terrible when he’s drunk and Gran hates it.’
‘I’ll try to remember,’ he said. ‘You will be my girl, Kathy – please?’
‘I’m not giving you my word yet, Billy. But if you promise not to get into any more fights I might go out with you again.’
‘We’ll go to the pictures tomorrow if yer like. There’s one of them Mack Sennett films on – the Keystone Kops, I think. Or we could go to a music hall if you’d rather. I’ve only got three days’ leave, Kathy, so we might as well make the most of it.’
‘Yes, all right,’ I agreed. ‘But remember, I’m not promising anythin’ yet.’
I thought about Billy when I was lying in bed that night. In the past I’d heard rumours about him getting into bad company, and I’d been very upset by the fight at the dance hall, but maybe he’d had to let off steam. All our men were under terrible strain out there, and Billy was no different from anyone else. I liked his smile and easy manner, and as I finally fell asleep I realized that I was looking forward to meeting him the next day.
I saw Billy twice more before he went back to his unit. We visited a music hall and saw Gertrude Lawrence and Jack Buchanan, joining in as the audience sang along with songs that had become so popular since the beginning of the war. On his last afternoon we went for a walk by the river and then had a drink in the pub.
It was a pleasant day despite the cool breeze and a lot of people were out walking about, making the most of the fine weather. The Sally Army was playing hymns outside the pub, and a group of children were marching after them banging on drums made out of old biscuit tins.
Billy looked at me anxiously as we lingered over our drinks. ‘You won’t go and marry anyone else, will yer?’
‘I’m not planning on it, Billy. I want to be a nurse when I can – to do something to help. I think of the war and about what’s happening out there all the time. All those lads getting killed and hurt.’
I had been reading the news about German submarines sinking ships, and the tremendous numbers of casualties at the Front, and it made me feel guilty for being safe at home when so many others were being killed.
Billy nodded, a serious expression on his face. ‘It’s bad, lass, real bad. We don’t talk about it much when we’re home on leave, but it’s a nightmare for the men. I’ve visited mates in the field hospitals out there, and those nurses are angels. I’d be proud for my girl to be one of them, so if that’s what you want to do I shan’t stand in yer way.’
Hearing the emotion in his voice I felt closer to him than ever before.
‘When will it be over, Billy? It’s more than three years since it started. Surely it can’t drag on much longer – can it?’
‘I wish I knew. Most of us who were out there at the start are sick of it – them what are left, that is. I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve only ’ad a couple of scratches but I’ve seen some of me mates catch it. Us veterans ’ave to look out fer the young uns. Most of the new recruits they’re sendin’ us now are still wet behind the ears.’
‘It must be awful.’ I looked at him with sympathy, realizing for perhaps the first time how bad it must really be for the men in the trenches, seeing their friends get hurt. ‘You will take care, Billy? I shouldn’t like anythin’ to happen to you.’
‘I’m an old ’and at it now,’ he said and grinned. ‘It’s a matter of keeping your head down. Run away to fight another day and don’t be a hero – that’s what I say.’
‘Oh, Billy …’ I laughed. ‘I can’t see you runnin’ away from a fight.’
‘You’re never goin’ ter let me forget the other night are yer?’
‘Is your lip still sore?’ I asked and shook my head at him. Now that I’d had time to think about things I felt more pleased than angry that Billy had stuck up for me. I didn’t approve of fighting, of course, but it was nice that he’d cared so much.
‘Nah. It were just a little cut. I could kiss yer – if yer like?’
‘We’ll see. I think you’d better walk me home now or you’ll be late for your train – and Da will be back for his tea soon.’
So far my luck had held and my father hadn’t questioned me about my going out with Billy Ryan. I wasn’t sure that he knew. Even if he’d noticed I wasn’t around, he’d probably just assumed I was out with friends.
Billy finished his drink and stood, holding out his hand to me. I took it and we left the pub together, strolling through the lanes, which looked brighter than usual in the warm sunshine. In the distance we could hear the rattle of the trams and a hooter from one of the ships blasting off somewhere on the river. I’d heard that morning that an American ship had made its way here safely, bringing much-needed supplies to a country that was gradually running short of almost everything.
When we reached my doorstep, Billy lingered uncertainly. He was reluctant to leave and I knew he was waiting for the kiss I’d half promised him.
‘Oh, go on then,’ I said and moved towards him. ‘You can kiss me if you like.’
Billy smiled, reached out and drew me close to him. His kiss this time was much deeper and lasted longer than the first. I felt him shudder as he at last released me and I was trembling too. I gazed up at him wondering what emotion had made me feel so shivery inside.
‘You felt somethin’ too, didn’t yer, lass?’ Billy asked, looking down into my eyes. ‘I love yer, Kathy. I ’ave fer years. Wait fer me because I don’t think I could bear it out there if I thought yer were kissin’ another bloke.’ His tone and expression were so sincere that I was moved.
‘I like you a lot, Billy,’ I whispered feeling breathless. ‘I can’t promise that I’ll marry you, but I’ll think about you – and I don’t often go out with blokes. You’re the first I’ve let kiss me.’
‘Will yer write to me, Kathy? Ma will tell yer where if yer ask.’
‘I might now and then,’ I said. ‘Take care of yourself, Billy. We’ll see how we feel next time you come home.’
‘Fair enough,’ he said and that cocky grin spread across his face. ‘You’re my girl, Kathy Cole – whether you know it or not – and I’ll be claiming you when I get back.’
I smiled, but didn’t answer him, and I lingered on the doorstep to watch as he strolled down the lane. Billy’s kiss had certainly shaken me, but I still wasn’t ready to give him an answer.
I waved as Billy turned to look at me from the corner of the lane, and then I went into the house. I was smiling to myself, about to go upstairs when a yell of rage startled me and my father shot out of the kitchen and grabbed my arm.
‘You sly slut!’ he growled at me, his fingers digging deep into the flesh of my upper arm. ‘So that’s what you’ve been up ter behind me back!’
‘Leave off, Da, you’re hurtin’ me,’ I cried and pulled back from him. ‘What’s the matter with you? I’ve only been out for a drink with a friend.’
‘You’ve been out three times with that bleedin’ Billy Ryan,’ he muttered, his face puce with temper. ‘And don’t lie to me, girl, because you were seen by one of me mates.’
‘Billy is all right,’ I said rubbing at my arm where he’d hurt me. ‘We went out a few times because he was on leave – but we didn’t do anythin’ wrong. Billy respects me. He wants to marry me.’
�
��I ’eard about the fight down the Pally,’ Da shouted, his face working furiously. ‘Makin’ a show of ’imself and you with ’im. No daughter of mine is goin’ around with a bloke like that.’
‘Billy was defending my honour,’ I said. ‘Someone tried to maul me and called me names – said I was like my mother.’ I looked at him defiantly. ‘Besides, you’re always getting into a brawl when you’ve been drinking. They threw you out of the Feathers last week and told you not to go back.’
Da raised his hand and struck me a heavy blow across the face, catching my lip. I gave a cry and jerked back as I tasted blood, gazing at him in horror. He had given me a clip of the ear in passing a few times when I was a child, but he’d never hit me like that before.
‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ I said. ‘You had no right to hit me like that.’ I felt like crying but I was determined not to let him see me weep.
‘That will teach you to cheek me,’ he muttered a sullen look in his eyes. ‘Your mother was a cheat and a whore – and I’ll kill yer afore I let you go the same way. You mind what I say, Kathy. See that Billy Ryan again and you’ll be sorry.’
He pushed past me and went out of the front door, slamming it behind him. For a moment I stood staring after him feeling shocked and numb. His rages and tempers had never really frightened me before, but now I wasn’t sure what he might do next.
Two
I tossed restlessly through most of that night, sleeping hardly at all. My face hurt where my father had hit me, but it was my pride and my sense of justice that had been hurt the most. I knew I had to change things, because I wasn’t going to let myself be beaten and used like so many of the women I knew. By the morning I had made up my mind.
‘It’s a bit desperate, Kathy,’ Gran said as I finished telling her my thoughts after breakfast. She was sitting by the fire, warming her hands round a mug of scalding hot tea, her expression anxious. ‘Ernie will come round in time. There’s no need for yer to go rushing off like this because of a quarrel. Besides, didn’t yer tell me yer had to be eighteen to enrol in the VADs? You’re not old enough until your next birthday – and that’s months away.’