by Cathy Sharp
Tom and his family made things easy for me, and once the sad business of laying Gran to rest was over we went back to the church hall for the buffet meal Joe had laid on.
Since there was beer and sherry as well as tea and lemonade, the company soon became less mournful and I was overwhelmed by the kindness of people who came to tell me how much they had liked and respected my grandmother.
Ernie Cole was sitting in a corner drinking beer and watching the proceedings with a sour expression on his face. I noticed that very few people bothered to approach him and offer their condolences, and after a while he got to his feet and slouched off.
‘You don’t have to go back there,’ Bridget said. She had come up behind me without my noticing. ‘You can stay with us until you are ready to leave.’
‘I think I may as well collect my things and leave this evening.’
‘That’s a good idea, Kathy,’ Tom said. ‘I can drive you back myself.’
‘That is a good idea,’ Bridget said warmly. ‘You’ll be safe with Tom, Kathy. I don’t like to think of you staying in that house more than need be.’
‘I don’t suppose I shall need to come back much in future. I’ve already made it clear that I shan’t be looking after him.’
‘I should think not!’ Tom said in a tone that made his sister look at him. I wondered if she suspected there was something between us but she didn’t say anything, though there was a speculative expression in her eyes that seemed to say more than words.
‘We need not go straight back to the hospital this evening,’ Tom said when we were driving away from the lanes. ‘We could stay somewhere overnight …?’
‘I think I should report back at once,’ I replied. ‘It was good of Matron to give me time off like that – and I haven’t been released from duty yet. We mustn’t take advantage, Tom.’
‘If that’s what you want.’
He kept his eyes on the road, but a nerve was flicking in his neck and I could tell that he wasn’t pleased because I had turned down the chance to stay with him that night, and perhaps it had been foolish. No real purpose would be served by returning that evening. I almost changed my mind to please him but something held me back. I wasn’t in the mood for making love. Perhaps I was still grieving for my grandmother or perhaps I still felt guilty because I’d been off enjoying myself with Tom when she needed me.
‘It’s what I think I ought to do, Tom. Matron needs every nurse she can get at the moment. You know how busy we are.’
‘I hope you’re not thinking about staying on at the hospital for a while after the war? I thought we had settled it that we were going to get married straight away?’
‘We have – more or less. You’ve made it clear that’s what you want, anyway.’ I was horrified immediately the words were out of my mouth. Why had I said that? ‘No, I didn’t mean it that way, Tom. Of course I want to get married.’
I would have liked to carry on and pass all my nursing exams but I knew it was out of the question. Tom had made it clear that he expected me to give it up and marry him as soon as possible.
‘I think you did mean it,’ he said, his mouth drawn into a tight line that meant he was angry. ‘If nursing means so much to you, perhaps we should think about this for a while.’
‘Perhaps we should …’
Even as I spoke I wished the words unsaid. Of course my nursing didn’t mean more to me than Tom! I wanted to apologize at once but he looked so angry that I couldn’t.
We drove all the rest of the way back to the hospital in silence. Tom spoke only once as he took my case from the back of the car.
‘Let me know when you’ve made up you mind, Kathy – but don’t keep me waiting too long.’
‘Is that a threat?’ I was suddenly angry. He was implying that our quarrel was all my fault when that wasn’t strictly true. He should have understood that I wasn’t in the mood for a romantic evening. Gran’s death had really upset me, and Tom should have been more sympathetic. ‘If that’s the way you feel, don’t bother holding your breath.’
He glared at me but said nothing as he returned to the car and drove off. I felt like weeping but pride wouldn’t let me. I loved Tom but I wasn’t going to be dictated to by anyone.
Ally was in our room packing a case when I got in. She turned to face me, giving me a sullen stare.
‘You’ve come back then. I was going to write to you. I’m leaving. I’ve had enough of being told what to do.’
‘Leaving?’ I was so surprised that I could only stare at her. ‘But why? It can’t be long now until the war is over. Surely you can wait until then?’
She bit her lip, hesitated, then said, ‘I’ve got no choice. I’ve been dismissed.’
‘Oh, Ally! Why?’
‘Because Matron found out that I got married when Mike was home on leave – and I’m having a baby.’
‘Having a baby? Congratulations!’ I stared at her, torn between surprise and pleasure at her news. ‘And you got married when Mike was on leave? You didn’t tell me that bit.’
‘I didn’t tell you because you were being so close-mouthed about you and your precious Dr O’Rourke. Besides, it was necessary to keep it a secret. I should have had to leave if Matron heard, but when I realized I was pregnant I had to tell her the truth. I thought you might have guessed. I did tell you we made love.’
‘I thought you’d just given in because you wanted to make Mike happy before he went back out there.’
‘I’m not that much of a fool,’ Ally said with a wry grimace, her normal good humour restored. ‘I made sure of his ring on my finger first. It was just a civil ceremony, but it counts the same. Anyway, now I’m going home until he gets back and then we’ll get that pub I was telling you about.’
‘I’m so glad for you.’ I hugged her. ‘I shall miss you – but I hope you will be very happy.’
‘Mike suits me. He’s easy-going and generous. I get most of my own way. I expect things will work out OK for us.’ She looked at me speculatively. ‘What are you going to do now, Kathy?’
‘I – I’m not sure. I shall stay on here for a while.’
‘What about Tom O’Rourke? Are you going to marry him?’
‘Perhaps.’
‘He has asked you?’
‘Yes. We’ve had a bit of a tiff, that’s all.’
‘Oh, that’s nothing,’ Ally scoffed. ‘Mike and I have them all the time.’ She looked guilty. ‘I hope it wasn’t over that note? I forgot all about it, Kathy. I wasn’t feeling well and I was worried about telling Matron. I had thought I might manage a few more weeks, but someone noticed I was getting a bit plump round the middle and she sent for me. I had to tell her then.’
‘Was she very annoyed?’
‘She wasn’t pleased. She said I had been wasting her time, and that I was irresponsible and deceitful.’
‘That was a bit unfair!’
‘Well, I suppose she had the right to be angry. I did break the rules. Anyway, I’m glad it’s out in the open and I’m ready to go home. It was all more difficult than I expected – the exams and things. I wouldn’t have stayed on this long if it hadn’t been for you, Kathy.’
She had said as much before but I’d thought she was just having a moan when things were tough. Now I wasn’t so sure. Perhaps she wasn’t really cut out to be a nurse.
‘I shall miss you.’
‘I don’t expect you’ll be staying on much longer. The war will be over soon now.’
‘Yes, everyone says so. I expect they will tell a lot of us that they don’t need us soon anyway.’
I wondered what I should do once that happened. Either I would have to apply to go on with my training or … what? After my quarrel with Tom the future seemed uncertain. I didn’t feel like going back to the lanes with my tail between my legs and yet I didn’t see why I should be the one to apologize.
In October the Government voted to allow women to become MPs. I wished Ally was still at the hospital, because I knew she w
ould have been thrilled. Other news was not so good. Spanish flu had taken a heavy toll in Britain and Gran wasn’t the only one to die. Some schools had been forced to close temporarily because so many children were down with it, and we had our problems at the hospital. Quite a few doctors and nurses and been worryingly ill and some of the more vulnerable patients had died.
When I was sick that first morning I thought I was probably going down with it myself. It was only as the sickness was repeated for several days in a row, without any signs of the fever, that I began to suspect that it might be something very different.
I hadn’t seen my monthly flow for ages – since before Tom took me to the seaside! It came to me as a blinding flash and my stomach clenched with fear as I realized that I might be pregnant.
If only Ally was here! Or Eleanor – she would have known what to do. My mind was in turmoil and I wished desperately that there was someone I could confide in. Perhaps I was imagining things – perhaps it was just overwork? I had been standing in for nurses who had gone down with influenza, doing extra shifts. Yet I didn’t feel tired; I felt wonderful apart from the morning sickness.
If I hadn’t quarrelled with Tom I could have told him my fears, but he hadn’t been in touch since the day he brought me back to the hospital. He’d meant it when he’d told me to let him know when I’d made up my mind. I had thought he would relent and come to me, but he hadn’t.
I couldn’t go running to him now. It would look as if I only wanted him because I was having his child, and that wasn’t so. Not a day had passed without my wanting to see him, to apologize. My stupid pride had kept me from doing so and now I was trapped.
Ally had tried to carry on for as long as she could after discovering she was pregnant, and I decided I would do the same. If I could manage a few more weeks on duty perhaps I would see Tom and things would somehow come right.
And then I fainted on the ward. There was such a commotion. Sister thought I had the flu but when I assured her I was quite well I saw suspicion in her eyes. The next day Matron sent for me. Her expression was as severe as usual and yet her tone was not harsh.
‘I understand you fainted on duty, Miss Cole. Are you ill?’
‘No, Matron.’
‘Then perhaps you would like to explain?’
‘I must have been working too hard.’ I took a deep breath, knowing there was no escape. ‘I think I should like to offer my resignation.’
‘I see …’ She looked at me in silent disapproval for several seconds. ‘I am very disappointed. I had high hopes of you, Miss Cole.’
‘I’m sorry, Matron, but I’ve made up my mind.’
‘I imagine we both know why. Will he marry you?’
I remained silent, refusing to either confirm or deny her suspicions.
‘In that case I can only wish you luck. Should your circumstances alter and you found yourself able to return, I might forget this interview ever took place.’ She allowed her words to sink in before gesturing with her hand. ‘Very well, you are dismissed.’
It was only as I was packing my suitcases later that I really thought over what she’d said. Had she actually been suggesting that I should have the child adopted – or have an abortion? Such an idea was horrifying. Not only was it against the law, it was dangerous. I knew some women were driven to try it, often in dirty little back-street houses where they were given unsuitable treatment. Many suffered ill health afterwards and some of them died.
Of course, if a doctor did it, it might be different. I knew one nurse who had got a doctor friend to do it for her and she’d been back to work in days, with very few people the wiser. I could ask her if he … I smothered the thought immediately. There was no way I was going to get rid of my child. I must have been wrong. Matron couldn’t have been hinting that I should.
Adoption was another matter. It might be a way out of my difficulty … yet the easiest way was to tell Tom. He would stand by me.
I decided that I ought in fairness to tell him. It was his child too. But I couldn’t bring myself to face him. I would write to him, but first I would go home. Ernie Cole needed a housekeeper and I could stay there for a while if I wished. I wouldn’t stay long. Just until I decided what to do for the best.
‘So you’ve come slinking back then, ’ave yer?’ Ernie glared at me as I walked in with my cases that afternoon. ‘What’s wrong? Been chucked out, ’ave yer, now the bleedin’ war’s over?’
‘No. I left because I wanted to …’ I took a deep breath. ‘I shan’t be staying long. I’m here while I make up my mind about something.’
‘Yer should be thinkin’ of yer duty ter me.’
‘I’ll keep house for you while I’m here – it looks as if it could do with a clean.’ I glanced round in disgust. He couldn’t have lifted a finger since I’d left and the sink was stacked with dirty pots, the floor filthy. ‘But if you hit me, I’ll leave.’
‘I only ‘it yer the once. I was drunk and yer cheeked me. I were a good father ter yer fer years, Kathy.’ His voice was heavy with self-pity, his eyes bleary as if he might cry at any moment.
‘Do it again and I’ll walk straight out. I won’t stand for violence.’
He eyed me thoughtfully. ‘Tell me the truth, Kathy. Why did yer come back? I thought you were set on bein’ a nurse.’
‘I can’t be a nurse and be married. It’s against the rules.’
‘Some bleedin’ bloke’s got yer in trouble, ain’t he?’ His eyes narrowed suspiciously. ‘I’ll knock ’is ’ead orf, if ’e comes ’ere!’
‘Tom asked me to marry him weeks ago. I’m just making up my mind …’
‘Tom … that bloody O’Rourke what come here so arrogant when Ma died? No daughter of mine is goin’ ter marry in ter that family!’
‘But I’m not your daughter. You told me so …’ I blurted the words out without thinking.
‘No, you ain’t …’ He hesitated, his eyes narrowed and crafty. ‘And yer ain’t goin’ ter marry O’Rourke neither.’
‘You can’t stop me.’
‘Can’t I?’ He gave me a look filled with malice. ‘Well listen ter me, Kathy. Yer can’t marry Tom O’Rourke because he’s yer uncle. Yer father were ’is elder brother Jamie – him what went orf ter America.’
‘You’re lying! You made that up just to punish me.’
‘I’m tellin’ yer what Grace told me. She swore he were yer father and I believed ’er.’
‘I don’t believe you. You’re a hateful, bitter man.’
I stared at him in horror for a few minutes longer then turned and ran from the house. I wouldn’t believe him. I couldn’t! He was just trying to hurt me because he hated my mother and he wanted to punish me for defying him and going off to be a nurse. Perhaps he thought I would stay on as his unpaid servant if I had nowhere else to go.
Tears were streaming down my cheeks. Even though Tom and I had quarrelled I had clung to the belief that we would get together again. We had to because I loved him. I was carrying his child. My thoughts were whirling in confusion, my chest so tight I could hardly breathe. It felt as if my world had tumbled into ruins around me and I did not know what to do or where to go. There was no one I could turn to … no one I could ask for help.
‘Kathy … Kathy! Wait for me …’
I had been running blindly without knowing or caring where I was going. Now I realized that I was near Maggie Ryan’s house in Farthing Lane and someone had just come out of the front door.
‘Where are you going? What’s wrong, Kathy. You’re crying …’
I stood absolutely still as Billy Ryan walked up to me, my heart beating against my ribs like a trapped bird in a cage. He was looking concerned and his concern for me made me feel guilty. I couldn’t tell him the truth!
‘I’ve been having a row with my father – at least he says he isn’t my father.’
‘Don’t you take no notice of that rotten bugger,’ Billy said. ‘It ain’t worth cryin’ over, Kathy love. Don’t matter whether
’e’s yer father or not. You’ve got me and Ma now. Come in and ’ave a cuppa with us. You can stay ’ere if yer like. Ma will be pleased ter ’ave yer. She were upset ’cos yer didn’t come ter see ’er when yer gran died.’
‘I didn’t want to be any trouble. I was too upset to think about anything at first – and I had to get back to work as soon as it was over.’
‘’Ave they let yer go now? I’ve been sent ’ome from the army. My wound opened again so they gave me an early demob. I was due leave anyway and it’s all over bar the shoutin’ now.’
‘Yes, thank goodness.’ I noticed he was limping slightly. ‘Does your leg hurt, Billy?’
‘A bit,’ he admitted. ‘Ain’t nuffin’ ter worry about, Kathy love. I’ll be right as rain fer the weddin’ next month.’
‘What wedding?’ I stared at him stupidly.
‘Our weddin’ o’course. We might as well get on with it, Kathy. No sense in waitin’. You’ve got nowhere to live – nowhere decent that is – and I’m home fer good. No reason why we shouldn’t get wed is there?’
There were several very good reasons why I shouldn’t marry him: I was in love with Tom and I was carrying Tom’s child. I ought to tell Billy straight away and put an end to his false hopes. Yet somehow I couldn’t find the words.
My mind was still reeling from the shock of being told Jamie O’Rourke was my true father. Supposing it was true? How could I be certain one way or the other? If Tom were my uncle … a marriage between us would be a terrible sin. Tom was a Catholic and I supposed his religion meant a lot to him. We’d never discussed it but I knew Bridget and her family attended regularly at her church.
Tom would be disgusted if I told him what my father had said – it would horrify him and make him feel guilty. We had committed a deadly sin. We hadn’t known what we were doing, but people would point their fingers at us if they knew. And if I defied him, Ernie Cole would make sure it was common knowledge.
It might be a lie but mud sticks. If Tom married me now his career would be ruined – and if he believed it was true … No, I could not let that happen. He must never know!