by Cathy Sharp
‘What did you tell him? He must know Mickey isn’t his?’
‘He knows. He was furious when he found out so I … I lied to him. I told him three soldiers raped me and I didn’t know who they were.’ My cheeks were flaming as I met Tom’s look of disbelief. ‘I know … I know it was a terrible thing to do. I’ve been ashamed of myself ever since. I shouldn’t have married him and I shouldn’t have lied. It would have been better if I’d had put Mickey into care.’
‘Is that what you really wanted?’
‘No! No, I love Mickey – but what I did was unfair to Billy.’
‘Is that why you let him treat you like a doormat?’
‘I don’t! He doesn’t.’ I smiled wryly. ‘He’s much better since you told him he was lucky to have me for a wife. I’m his prized possession along with the house and the car.’
‘Are you very unhappy?’ Tom’s eyes seem to probe deep into my mind.
‘No, no, of course not. I told you, Billy is very generous with his money.’
‘But it’s not what you want from life – is it?’ Tom looked thoughtful as I remained silent. ‘I’m to blame. I was in too much of a hurry, Kathy. I shouldn’t have pushed you into making love when I did. You wanted to go on with your nursing.’
‘It wasn’t your fault, Tom. That time you took me to the sea – I was never happier. Nursing meant a lot to me, but I know now that being your wife was what I really wanted.’
‘Why didn’t you come to me? If you’d only told me …’
My throat was tight and the tears were very close.
‘I couldn’t, Tom. You don’t understand.’
‘Then tell me, Kathy. Make me understand.’
‘No. I can’t, it’s too late.’ Tears were blinding me. ‘I’m going home, Tom. Please don’t try to stop me. Don’t follow me. I’m going home to my husband.’
‘You could leave him. We could go to America …’
‘No!’ I held out my hand to ward him off. ‘I can’t leave Billy. I won’t leave him. I loved you, Tom, but it’s over. It’s over!’
I turned Mickey’s pushchair and walked quickly away from him. My heart felt as if it were being torn in two. I wanted so desperately to tell Tom the truth, to make him understand why I’d had no choice, but I knew I mustn’t. It was too late. Far too late.
The night Tom came to dinner I had the house polished from top to bottom and smelling of lavender. There were lace cloths on the table and flowers everywhere.
‘It looks really posh,’ Billy said when he saw what I’d done. ‘You’ve made it a real home and you didn’t spend a lot of money either.’
‘I did buy those cushions and that pretty wine table,’ I said. ‘But it’s the small things that make the difference.’
‘It’s the way you look after the place,’ Billy said. ‘I always knew you were different from the other girls, Kathy. I reckon I got myself a winner.’
The meal I produced was as good as you could buy in any fancy restaurant according to Billy, and Tom seemed to enjoy it. He had bought a bottle of my favourite wine to go with the meal and some special chocolates to enjoy with our coffee.
‘I never realized that Kathy was such a good cook,’ he told Billy after the meal. His eyes were warm with approval as he looked at me and I was afraid that Billy would notice but he seemed to take the compliment for himself. ‘Where did you learn to make puddings like that, Kathy?’
‘Ma taught her,’ Billy said. ‘She taught Kathy to cook, didn’t she, love?’
‘Yes, Maggie taught me most things, but I found the recipe for the pudding we had tonight in Mrs Beeton’s cookery book.’
‘Ah yes, Mrs Beeton – the housewife’s trusty friend.’
‘Yes. I bought it some time ago when we were in Hunstanton at that little bookshop near the front.’
I saw something flash in Tom’s eyes and realized too late that I had made a mistake.
Billy was looking at me oddly, his eyes narrowed to suspicious slits. ‘I didn’t know yer ’ad been ter Hunstanton, Kathy. When were that?’
‘Oh, it was when I was working at the hospital. I went away with a friend – a few days before my grandmother was taken ill.’
‘Did yer go with Ally? You’ve never mentioned it.’
‘There were several of us. No, Ally didn’t come that time. I often spent weekends with my friends, Billy. Sometimes we came up to town and sometimes we went to the sea.’
‘Yer ain’t ever said nuthin’ before.’
‘It wasn’t important. It was just that I remembered where I bought the book.’
‘I like your car,’ Tom said as he sensed the tension between us and sought to change the subject to less dangerous ground. ‘It’s like one I had some years back, but in much better condition than mine was.’
Billy turned to look at him. He was still frowning but his attention was diverted. They talked about cars and the various merits of different marques for a long time, but after Tom had gone Billy followed me upstairs to our room.
‘What were that all about then?’ he asked. ‘I thought yer couldn’t cook until Ma taught yer?’
‘I couldn’t cook very much, Billy, not the kind of things Maggie does, just bits and pieces that Gran had taught me. That’s why I bought the book when I saw it.’
‘Thinking about when yer got married, were yer?’
‘Yes, I suppose so. I was just interested when I saw the book and so I bought it.’
His hand shot out, gripping my wrist.
‘Don’t lie ter me, Kathy. If I catch yer flirtin’ with a bloke – any bloke – I’ll make yer sorry.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’ I pulled away from him, rubbing at my wrist. ‘You hurt me, Billy. I don’t like it when you’re rough with me.’
‘I’ll be more than rough with you if you make eyes at me mate.’
‘What do you mean? I wasn’t making eyes at Tom, if that’s what you are insinuating.’
‘And don’t give me them long words neither. I saw yer smilin’ at ’im and tellin’ him yer liked that wine – tasted like vinegar to me. Don’t think I’m blind or soft in the ’ead, Kathy. I see the way yer looked at ’im all soppy and puttin’ on airs.’
‘I thought you wanted to make an impression on him? I went to so much trouble for your sake, Billy.’
‘That’s what you say. It ain’t the first time I’ve noticed somethin’, Kathy. I’m warnin’ yer. If I ever find out there’s somethin’ goin on between yer …’
‘Of course, there isn’t! How could there be? I haven’t seen Tom for ages. Not since the night Mickey was born. You know he couldn’t come for the christening.’
‘Yer were talkin’ in the street with ’im the other day, so don’t say yer weren’t. Someone saw yer and I ’eard about it.’
‘We were just talking, Billy. Tom O’Rourke is your friend. Surely I can talk to him without you thinking I’m having some sort of an affair with him?’
‘You just better hadn’t,’ he said. ‘I forgave yer once, Kathy – next time I’ll beat the livin’ daylights out o’ yer!’
Nine
Billy’s outburst really frightened me. I knew I’d made a slip of the tongue when I spoke of buying the cookery book in Hunstanton, but I must also have given myself away in other ways. Billy had certainly noticed something between Tom and I, which meant I had to be very careful in future.
Although a part of me wished Tom would stay on at Bridget’s for a while, the sensible half of my mind was relieved when he left almost at once. Billy’s suspicions were aroused now, and I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t betray my thoughts again. Being near Tom, talking to him, just seeing him, affected me so powerfully that perhaps I wasn’t able to behave as I normally did.
Tom didn’t attempt to see me alone again. I wasn’t sure if he was angry with me for refusing to explain why I’d married Billy instead of him, or if he was simply being careful for my sake.
‘He had thought of returning to America,’
Bridget told me when I met her in the street a few days later. ‘But he’s been offered a job that interests him here in London and he has decided to take it.’
‘Tom is staying in London?’
Why did my heart gladden at the news? It was foolish of me to feel pleased because Tom had decided to stay nearby. Nothing had changed for me, and it would be dangerous to let myself hope that I might see him sometimes. We could never be together in the way we wanted and it would just make Billy jealous if Tom came to visit us.
‘He said it was only for a year or two – just until he makes up his mind what he wants to do next.’
Surely he wasn’t hoping that I would change my mind and leave Billy? Sometimes I wished desperately that I could just walk away, but since I couldn’t be with Tom, there was no point in leaving my husband and breaking up a home that could still be happy on occasion.
Billy’s moods had got worse again recently. He was seldom in the house and when he came to bed late I caught the stink of strong drink on his breath.
He didn’t often make love to me now, but when he did he was rough, taking what he wanted without bothering if I felt any pleasure, carelessly inflicting bruises and pain. I retaliated in the only way I could by pretending to be asleep; refusing to be roused whatever he did. My passive resistance did nothing to improve his temper and he was forever complaining about something.
Maggie noticed how things were going when she came round one Saturday morning to bring the children some fruit she had bought for them in the market. She said nothing during Billy’s outburst, but turned to me in concern after he had gone out.
‘You don’t have to put up with that, Kathy. If Mick spoke to me so rudely I’d take the rolling pin to him, so I would!’
‘If I say anything it only makes him worse. You told me once that I had to take him as he was or leave him, Maggie.’
She looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. ‘If this continues you might be better to take the children away rather than let him treat you like that.’
‘You don’t mean that, Maggie. Not a good Catholic wife like you. What would Father O’Brien say if I did?’
‘He’d tell you it was your duty to stay no matter what – that’s if you’d been married in the church, but you weren’t. There’s a case for a divorce with it bein’ a civil service.’ Maggie shivered suddenly. ‘Mercy on me, it’s a mortal sin I’m tellin’ yer to commit, lass. O’ course I don’t want yer to leave him, Kathy. He’s my son, whatever he is, but I think you should stand up for yourself more. Billy will have no respect for you otherwise. You were always willing to give back as good as you got in the old days.’
I smiled but didn’t answer. Her words had gone home, though. Tom had implied that I was letting Billy walk all over me, and now Maggie was saying the same thing. I had simply taken the easy path to keep the peace, but Maggie was right. My guilt had made me accept Billy’s moods at the start, but I’d paid for my mistakes. I’d been a good wife to him and there was no reason why I should put up with his temper.
Bridget was reading a letter when I popped into the shop to buy some boiling bacon to make a pudding for Billy’s supper. She was frowning over it and for a moment my heart stood still.
‘Not bad news?’ I said, wondering immediately if the letter was from Tom.
‘No, not bad news; it’s good news actually, for my sister. Lainie’s boss has just died and left her quite a bit of property. There’s the dress shop and a flat up west – and a house in Cornwall.’
‘That must amount to quite a bit of money, Bridget. I’ll bet Lainie is excited?’
‘Yes. She isn’t quite sure what to do at the moment. She says she wants to keep the shop and the flat – but she might sell the house in Cornwall. She doesn’t think she’ll use that much. She was always a town person. And she’s needed at the shop, because she doesn’t trust the girls she’s got to look after it for her.’
‘Still, the money it brings in will be nice.’
‘Yes, it will. I’m pleased for her.’
Bridget was still frowning and I sensed there was something more on her mind, but I didn’t press her. She told me most things, and if this was something she needed to keep to herself, it wasn’t my business to pry.
I told Billy I’d had enough of his moods when he came home for his supper that evening.
‘I don’t deserve this, Billy, and I’m not going to stand for it any longer. If you don’t treat me with more respect I shall leave you.’
‘And where do yer think yer goin’?’
‘I don’t know. I’ll find a job – anything would be better than putting up with the way things have been between us lately.’
Billy glared at me and for a moment I thought he would fly into another rage. His fists balled at his sides as though he wanted to strike out, but then he sat down at the kitchen table and I saw something like fear in his eyes.
‘I’ve lost me job, Kathy. I did somethin’ stupid and Mr Maitland told me I was through. There’ll be no more extra money comin’ in for a while.’
‘Is that why you’ve been in such a mood lately?’
‘I reckon I’ve taken it out on you.’ Billy looked oddly ashamed. ‘I’ve got ter let the car go. I never finished payin’ fer it … only a deposit and so much every week. Without that extra money I can’t afford to keep it.’
‘Oh, Billy …’ I felt sympathy for him as I saw how much it had cost him to tell me that. ‘It doesn’t matter. I didn’t want a car anyway.’
‘Yer would if it was one like Tom’s – comfortable for takin’ the children out now and then.’
‘Maybe you’ll be able to get another car one day. You might find another job in the evenings, Billy.’
‘Not like the one I ‘ad. I were a fool.’
‘What did you do that upset your boss?’
His eyes slid away from mine. ‘Some things are better left untold, Kathy. I knew the rules and I broke ’em. I’m lucky ter be let orf as easy as I were.’
‘What do you mean?’ Again I saw that flash of fear in his eyes. ‘Are you afraid of Mr Maitland?’
‘Anyone with any sense is afraid of crossin’ ’im.’
‘Who is he, Billy?’ I wondered about the man who could instil such respect and fear into my husband.
‘You just forget I ever mentioned ’is name. I’m warnin’ yer fer yer own sake, Kathy. Don’t poke yer nose in me business. I’ve been let go from me job, but there’s a chance he might offer me other work if I keep me mouth shut and do as I’m told.’
‘I think you should forget about him and look after your job at the factory. I don’t need all the money you’ve been giving me. We can manage on what you earn from your proper job.’
‘I gave that up months ago. I was makin’ so much money, but I got greedy, thought I could make more on my own account. I tried to take advantage of somethin’ I ’eard and I got caught.’
‘Perhaps if you apologized?’
Billy gave me what was a shadow of his old cocky grin.
‘Yer don’t know ’im, Kathy. I’ve been told ’e’s considerin’ me case. If I behave ’e might give me another chance. If I don’t …’ Billy made a chopping gesture across his throat. ‘Curtains.’
‘Billy! You can’t mean that? He wouldn’t …?’ A cold shiver ran down my spine as I saw the fear in his face – fear he was trying unsuccessfully to hide. ‘He wouldn’t harm you?’
‘Nah.’ Billy shrugged his shoulders in an attempt at bravado, but I sensed that he was far from confident. He really was afraid of this man he called Mr Maitland. ‘It just means I’ll ’ave ter find other work, and that ain’t easy the way things are. There are plenty of blokes lookin’ fer a job – and I walked out of me last one.’
That meant he had no references to offer a new employer. There were jobs that would not require references, but they were often unskilled labour that paid badly. Billy would find it difficult to get as good a job as he’d had before without help.
; ‘I can’t ask Bridget to put a word in for him this time,’ Maggie said when I spoke to her the next day. ‘She doesn’t approve of the way Billy has been carryin’ on. He gave up a good job without even working his notice – and there’s the way he’s been splashing money about. People think it wasn’t earned honestly.’ She stopped as if feeling that she had already said too much. ‘But that’s nonsense.’
‘Billy didn’t steal the money, Maggie. He was working for someone.’ Maggie looked curious as I stopped abruptly. ‘I can’t tell you his name. It might get Billy into worse trouble.’
‘I knew he was up to no good!’ Maggie’s mouth thinned with disapproval. ‘I told Mick you don’t get money like that doin’ honest work.’
‘I’m not sure what kind of work he was doing. I don’t think he was breaking the law.’
‘If he wasn’t, he was pretty near to it, I’ll be bound. I’ve been bothered over it for a while now, but I didn’t want to upset you, Kathy.’ Now that Maggie had started, the words came pouring out. ‘Stands to reason most folk can’t earn that kind of money.’
‘Well, whatever it was that he’s been doing, he upset the man he was working for and he’s lost his job. He says there’s no chance of him getting it back.’
‘It’s probably a good thing if he has lost that job if what I’ve been hearing is right. He’s been hanging out with people I wouldn’t care to know, Kathy. Maybe he’ll straighten himself out now.’
‘Let’s hope he finds something else and settles down.’
I was thoughtful after Maggie left. Could the Mr Maitland Billy had been working for be the father of Miss Mary Maitland – the young girl who had brought me Eleanor’s ring?
I’d considered the possibility a couple of times since Billy had told me the name of his employer but not pursued it further. Mary had seemed nervous of her father’s disapproval, and Billy was obviously worried about something. This mysterious Mr Maitland was clearly a dangerous man to know.
I had been shopping in the market one morning when I heard the voice calling to me. I stopped and looked round. For a moment I didn’t recognize the woman coming towards me, and then I realized it was Valerie Green. I hadn’t seen her for ages – since the night Billy had got into a fight at the dancehall.