by Cathy Sharp
‘Don’t think I’m saying this out of spite. I couldn’t believe it at first either, but I know in my own mind that it’s true. Billy was worried about money. He didn’t think the fall would hurt me, just cause a miscarriage. When I fell, at first he was worried because he was afraid I’d broken my back, but once he knew I was all right he was glad that I’d lost our baby.’
‘I don’t believe you. You’ve a terrible mind, Kathy – a terrible mind, so you have.’
‘I didn’t want to believe it, but I remembered seeing the toy in Mickey’s bed when I went in to kiss him goodnight. I didn’t put it on the stairs and Mickey was still asleep when I fell. Think about it, Maggie. That train didn’t get there by itself. If Billy didn’t put it there – who did?’
Her eyes dropped away from mine and I sensed that she believed me but she wasn’t prepared to admit it.
‘Billy would never willingly harm you or the children, except when he was in a temper. He shouldn’t have hit you.’ Her head came up and I saw the anger in her eyes again. ‘You drove him to it, Kathy. He knew you wanted Tom and it drove him mad. He just couldn’t bear to think of you and his best friend together. No man with any pride could stand it.’
‘I wouldn’t have left Billy if he hadn’t left that toy there – but that destroyed something in me, Maggie. It killed any affection I had for him, and after I knew that Mickey was frightened of him I made up my mind that it was better for all of us if I went away.’
‘Better for you if you went off with your lover!’ she cried bitterly. ‘Well, now you can do what you like, can’t you? My Billy’s dead and you’re free. You must be laughin’ inside, kickin’ your heels at the thought of him lyin’ there in the ground.’
‘I can’t believe you said that to me, Maggie.’
‘You deserve it!’
It was useless to try to reach her. I was wasting my breath trying to persuade her that I was not entirely to blame.
‘I don’t particularly care what you think of me any more,’ I said quietly. ‘Hate me if it makes you feel better, Maggie, but don’t take it out on the children. They love their granny and they want to see you sometimes. Mickey thinks you’ve stopped loving him. Don’t you think he’s been hurt enough without you turning against him?’
‘Of course I love him …’ Maggie stared at me in silence for what seemed an eternity. ‘I can’t forgive you, Kathy – but I care about the children. You know I do.’
‘Then show it,’ I said. ‘You don’t have to come to the house – not that I shall be there much longer. I’ve had notice to leave by the end of next month.’
‘Leaving? Where are you going?’
‘I don’t know yet. I shall have to find somewhere. Somewhere away from the lanes.’
‘Then I shan’t see the children.’
‘They are with Bridget now,’ I told her, giving her a hard stare. ‘Bridget has done nothing to harm you, Maggie. It’s upset her because you won’t speak to her – and none of this is her fault. If you want to see your grandchildren in the future, I’ll promise that you can sometimes. But you have to go to Bridget’s now and make it up with her – and show the children you still love them. I shan’t be there so you don’t have to put up with me. It’s your choice. If you don’t care–’
‘Of course I care!’ She looked at me oddly. ‘Where are you going?’
‘I’ve another problem to sort out,’ I said, ‘and I might as well get it over. I’m going to see Ernie Cole.’
‘He’s been saying some strange things about you,’ Maggie said and frowned. ‘Mick told me he was drunk the other day in the pub and he said you were Jamie O’Rourke’s daughter.’
‘I know. Mick told me about it when he came to see the children yesterday.’
‘Mick came to see them?’
‘Yes, he’s been once or twice to see us. He doesn’t blame me, Maggie, and if you were honest with yourself, you wouldn’t either.’
I turned and walked out of her house, leaving her to stare after me. I’d done all I could and it was up to her now. Either she made it up with Bridget and let her grief begin to heal or she went on nursing it and hating us all.
Mick had been upset when he’d called on me that Sunday morning. He’d brought the children sweets as he always did, and spent half an hour playing football with them in the back yard. He hadn’t told me what was on his mind until he was ready to leave.
‘He was shouting his mouth off about your mother being a whore,’ he’d said looking bothered. ‘Bragged he knew a secret if he wanted to tell it – about you and Tom O’Rourke – and then he said that Jamie O’Rourke was your father.’
‘He told me that before I married Billy,’ I said. ‘I think it was a lie, but I couldn’t be sure. I promised I would cook and clean for him if he kept his mouth shut.’
‘And now you’ve decided you’re not going to let him blackmail you any longer. Good for you, Kathy.’
‘Yes – but I have to make him stop telling his lies, Mick. It … it wouldn’t be good for Tom if people thought …’
‘That you were his niece.’ Mick nodded. ‘Does Ernie know the boy is Tom’s?’
‘He suspects it.’
‘No wonder he had a hold on you. I often wondered why you went there to clean for him.’ Mick shook his head. ‘I’d swear it is a lie, Kathy. Jamie O’Rourke wasn’t interested in Grace. I saw her make a play for him once in the pub and he just laughed at her, told her he wasn’t interested.’
‘You heard him say that?’
‘Yes. I was sitting right beside him. We’d been havin’ a drink together when she came up and tried to sit on his knee. She wanted him to buy her a drink, and he did but then he told her to go away because he wasn’t interested. He said he had a girlfriend.’
‘Bridget said more or less the same thing.’
‘Jamie told me he wasn’t daft enough to get caught by Grace. He said he thought she was headin’ for trouble.’
‘If only I could be certain …’
‘Don’t let Ernie Cole’s lies ruin your life, lass. It’s time you had a bit of happiness.’
I was thinking about what Mick had said to me as I walked towards the house in Brewery Lane where I had lived for so many years. I had decided that I would have it out with Ernie and see if I could get him to change his story.
The foul smell hit me as I opened the door and went in. The hall was full of rubbish that had been strewn carelessly on the floor and the living room was no better. I was tempted to clear it up, but then I realized it would look as if I had given in to his blackmail again.
As I stood there hesitantly, the kitchen door opened and Ernie lurched out, staggering as if he were drunk.
‘So you’ve bleedin’ come back, ’ave yer?’ He leered at me through eyes bleary with drink. ‘I thought you’d come ter yer senses once I started ter ’int at yer dirty little secret. Yer won’t want yer precious Tom O’Rourke gettin’ inter trouble.’
‘We don’t have a dirty secret,’ I said, my stomach turning as I looked at him. He was disgraceful; a filthy, foul-mouthed, bitter man who was old before his time. ‘Tom isn’t my uncle and you know it. You made up the lie. Jamie O’Rourke never touched my mother.’
‘And who told yer that?’ A wary expression came over his face. ‘Yer can’t prove it, yer little bitch. It’s only yer word against mine.’
‘There are people who know the truth. Mick Ryan says Jamie wouldn’t have anything to do with her when she tried to pick him up. And Bridget says he was courting.’
‘That bloody Bridget Robinson.’ Ernie hawked and spat on the floor. ‘She’s a nosy bitch!’
‘Bridget tells the truth and that’s more than you do!’
‘I should ’ave strangled yer at birth,’ Ernie muttered. ‘Yer bleedin’ mother cheated me. Strung me along yer were mine until I married ’er and then she laughed at me, taunted me that the kid weren’t mine.’
‘She shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry if she hurt y
ou, but you don’t have to ruin my life just because she ruined yours.’
‘What do you know about it?’ He glared at me. ‘I give up everythin’ fer ’er ’cos I thought it were mine. Give up the woman I loved fer ’er sake and she mocked me … called me a fool fer believin’ ’er.’
‘But she didn’t say who my father was, did she? She just told you I wasn’t yours. That’s the truth, isn’t it? You made it up about Jamie O’Rourke because you wanted to punish me, to stop me marrying Tom. Don’t you think I’ve been punished enough now? Please, stop telling lies and let me find a new life for myself.’
Ernie stared at me for a moment, blinking owlishly as if trying to think clearly, then his eyes narrowed.
‘You look like ’er sometimes, Kathy – that’s when I fancy yer. I fancied ’er when I went with ’er, even though I loved another girl. If she’d given me a kind word or shown she liked me I would never ’ave, but she were too bleedin’ proud. She were lookin’ fer somethin’ better than I could ever give ’er.’
‘You mean Bridget, don’t you? You were in love with her once, that’s why you hate the O’Rourkes, isn’t it? You blame Bridget for turning you down, but it wasn’t her fault that you went with someone else.’
‘What do you bleedin’ know about it?’ Ernie demanded. His eyes focused on me. ‘Yeah, yer look just like ’er, and yer ain’t no better than she were neither.’
I took a step back as he lurched towards me, then glanced round for a weapon. I couldn’t see anything that I could use to defend myself.
‘Ain’t got no poker,’ he said, a mocking expression on his face. ‘Took it up the pawnbroker along with every thin’ else.’
‘Don’t you dare to come near me!’ I cried.
‘It’s about time yer learned a bit O’Respect fer yer dear old father,’ he muttered. ‘Only I ain’t yer father, Kathy, ’cos Jamie bleedin’ O’Rourke is, that’s who!’
‘And that’s a lie, Ernie Cole!’
Bridget’s voice startled me. I certainly hadn’t heard her come in and I glanced at her as she came to stand beside me, confronting Ernie. He stared at us, his mouth curling back in a snarl as he saw Bridget.
‘Who let yer into me bleedin’ ’ouse?’
‘I let myself in,’ Bridget replied. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself, Ernie Cole. Your poor mother would turn in her grave if she could see what you’ve done to this place. Jean was a good, decent woman and she would be ashamed of you, so she would.’
‘Keep yer bleedin’ mouth shut or I’ll shut it fer yer.’
‘I’m not afraid of you, Ernie Cole. You always had a big mouth but you’ve gone too far this time – telling lies in the pub about my brother. Jamie will sort you out when he gets back.’
‘Jamie is coming back?’ I stared at her, forgetting about Ernie for the moment in my surprise. ‘Oh, Bridget, does that mean that Tom found him?’
‘No, I think they must have crossed paths as Tom went out to America. I had a telegram from Jamie this morning to say that he had arrived at Dover and would be coming to see me in the next day or two.’ Her eyes went over me anxiously. ‘I wrote to the last address I’d had for him and someone sent it on to him.’
‘Oh, Bridget!’ My heart began to race wildly. ‘Jamie will know the truth.’
‘Are you all right, Kathy love? Maggie told me you were here.’
‘She came then?’
A roar of rage from Ernie alerted me as he moved towards us. I hadn’t noticed what he was doing, but now I saw that he had fetched a heavy cudgel from somewhere and was charging at us from the direction of the kitchen. He must have gone to fetch it while our attention was diverted.
‘Yer really an interfering bitch, Bridget O’Rourke. I should ’ave taught yer a lesson years ago.’
His intention was clear. He was going to hit Bridget and the chances were that he would injure her badly.
Without thinking, I moved in front of her, putting out my hands in an attempt to wrench the cudgel from him. He was so strong, so very strong, and he was in a terrible temper.
‘I’ll kill ’er,’ he muttered as I wrestled with him. ‘Kill yer an’ all. Yer a bleedin’ whore like yer mother … ought ter ’ave killed yer years ago an’ ’er an’ all.’
‘You’re a fool,’ Bridget cried from behind me. ‘Put that thing down, Ernie. Put it down now before you hurt somebody.’
‘I intend to ’urt yer.’
I was holding on to his weapon with all my strength, trying to pry it from his grasp. Bridget rushed at him from the side, joining in the struggle and kicking at his shins. He gave a growl of rage and threw me off, then struck out at her with his stick. It glanced off her shoulder, sending her staggering back. Ernie went after her again, clearly about to hit her even harder, but I rushed between them, shielding my head with my arms as I tried to fend off the blow.
It caught me on my arm and I gave a cry of pain. He laughed and turned his attention to me, lifting the stick to rain blows down on me wherever he could as I tried desperately to fend him off. I was caught by his ferocious attack, unable to get away as I staggered and then fell to my knees and he went on and on hitting me like a mad thing.
‘Stop it, Ernie!’ I heard Bridget screaming at him. ‘You will kill her. They’ll hang you, you fool. Stop it!’
The pain was more than I could bear as I sank in a heap to the floor, but I was conscious that for some reason he had stopped hitting me and I thought I heard Joe Robinson’s voice and very faintly someone else just behind him. And then the blackness began to drag me down, down, down into the pit of pain and forgetfulness …
Twelve
The blackness was all enveloping for a long time, blotting out the pain and the fear. Then, very slowly, the pain came back to tear at me and torture my poor beaten body. Through all this time I was aware of the voices and sometimes the touch of a hand, caressing me, telling me that it would be all right.
‘He can’t hurt you anymore, my darling,’ the voice said. ‘I’m here with you now and I promise you’re safe. The children are safe and there’s nothing to worry about. I’m going to look after you. All you have to do is to get well again.’
‘Tom …? Is that Tom?’ I croaked and my voice was no more than a whimper of pain. My senses were telling me that Tom was with me, but I knew it couldn’t be true. Tom had gone to America and it might be months before he came home. But I wanted him here, I wanted him so badly. ‘Tom, I love you … tell Tom …’
‘Yes, I know, my love.’ A gentle hand soothed the damp hair from my brow. ‘I love you. I’m here. I’m with you. Rest now, Kathy. You’re safe, my darling. No one is going to hurt you any more and I shan’t leave you ever again. I promise I won’t go away.’
Tears trickled down my cheek. I wanted Tom so much, but I was married and we could never be together. Tom was my uncle … someone had told me that but I couldn’t remember who had said it. I couldn’t remember anything except the pain. Had there ever been a time before the pain – a time when I was happy?
Oh yes, I remembered being happy. I was strolling along a beach and the sun was shining. Tom was with me and he kissed me, later we lay in the sand and talked of how happy we would be when we were married, but we could never marry, never …
A whimper broke from me as I realized it was hopeless. I could never be with the man I loved. There was no future for me so why should I struggle against the pain? Why not just let go and slip away into that place of dark oblivion?
‘She is wandering in her mind,’ a voice said from somewhere beyond the mists. ‘Remembering. I think she has forgotten what happened.’
‘That’s just as well,’ another voice said. ‘That was a terrible beating, Mrs Robinson. The man who did it deserves to hang!’
‘He will be punished,’ Bridget’s voice said. ‘I can assure you, doctor. The police will catch him eventually and then he’ll hang for what he did. He tried to kill her, I saw it all and tried to stop him but there was nothing I could do u
ntil the others came.’
The voices were fading now and the pain was easing. I was drifting into a place where there was no pain and no fear. Drifting … drifting … drifting.
When I opened my eyes the sun was shining in at the window and I was aware that the fever and the worst of the pain had gone. I still felt very sore and I had a headache, but the terrible soul-destroying pain, that I had not been able to bear without help, had gone.
‘Are you better now, my love?’
I turned my head as someone came to stand by the bed. The light from the window was behind him and for a moment I couldn’t see his face, then I gave a glad cry of recognition. It was Tom and he was smiling down at me, reaching for my hand to take it gently into his own. I had longed for him so much and he was here. For a moment I thought I must be back in my nightmare world of mist and fantasy.
‘Tom … is it really you? I thought you had gone to America?’
‘No, I didn’t go,’ he said and raised my hand to his lips to kiss the palm. ‘I told Bridget that was where I was going and then I heard that Jamie had been seen in Ireland so I went there instead. I discovered that he had been there for a while but then he left and no one knew where he’d gone. I was going to get the next boat for America, and then I had a telegram from a friend who told me I was wanted urgently at home – and I arrived the morning that man did this to you.’
I put a hand up to my head, feeling the bulky bandages and beneath them the soreness. ‘What happened? I’m not sure. Someone hit me …’ Suddenly a vague memory came into my mind and I shuddered. ‘Was it Ernie Cole? Did he do this to me?’
‘Yes, he was the one.’ Tom bent to kiss me on the mouth, his hand trailing my cheek tenderly. ‘Don’t try to remember, Kathy. Sometimes it’s better to forget.’
‘I can’t remember much, Tom, but I think Bridget was there too.’
‘You tried to stop him attacking her and then he turned on you instead,’ Tom said. ‘You were very brave, my love.’