by Tyler Grey
I slowly got up and made my way to the kitchen. I gave Tank something to eat before trying to sort out something for myself. Alice had shown me how to cook without my eyes. She’d taken me around the kitchen, making me feel things, smell things, taste things. I knew the kitchen now more than I did when I could see. Still, it wasn’t the same without her. I eventually settled on a simple toasted cheese sandwich. I sliced the cheese with a grater instead of a knife in case I cut myself, and somehow managed to do it all without fail. I slowly took my food to the living room and sat down to eat. Then, just as I was about to take a bite, I moved and the plate slid to the floor. I got such a fright that the sandwich dropped from my hand and onto the floor. I sighed. I was hopeless without her. I wanted to leave the food on the floor and crawl back to sleep, but I was too worried about Tank walking on the broken pieces. I got up and went to clean it up, and just hoped that I was doing a good enough job. I felt angry and sorry for myself, but then I reminded myself of what I had done to Alice. I shook my head. I deserved to be blind.
Chapter 32
Alice
“I’m going to miss you,” I said to Laurie at the airport. We embraced, and I found myself crying all over again. The tears had been coming at regular intervals now. I’d cried with my mother too, although she’d just assumed it was out of happiness. I still hadn’t told her about Jacob.
“I’m going to miss you too,” Laurie said to me. She held me out at arm’s length and smiled at me. “But you’re doing the right thing. You’re going to have the time of your life. You’ll see. This is exactly what you need.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I know. It’s just going to be hard not having you there. I just realized that this is the first time I’ll be away from you. I feel like a kid who is saying goodbye to their mother on the first day of school.”
She chuckled. “You’ll be fine, Alice. You’ll see. This is going to be the best adventure of your life. I’ll come and visit. And we’ll phone each other every day. Now you better go, or you’re going to miss your flight.”
I gave her one more squeeze. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
If Laurie wasn’t watching me, I wasn’t sure if would’ve made it to the plane, but I did it because I knew that she would be disappointed if I stayed behind. Anyway, what reason did I have to stay behind for? I didn’t have a job, or even a boyfriend. Laurie was right; I needed to get away. I needed to stop thinking about the man that continued to hurt me from childhood to adulthood.
Two weeks later…
Belgium was beautiful, and the restaurant was even better. It was everything I had ever dreamed it would be. Of course, I had never wanted to work at a restaurant, but it was hard not to appreciate the aesthetics of the place. If I was just a visitor to the restaurant who was coming to eat, it would be an experience unlike any other. The food was exquisite, the décor breathtaking, and the attention to detail was so over the top it was hard not to be impressed. Everything about the restaurant was perfection. But I wasn’t a visitor; I worked there, and things were very different behind the scenes. Every day seemed more chaotic than the previous day.
After a whirlwind of a day, where I felt like I was doing everything wrong, I fell exhausted onto the soft white sheets in my apartment. The apartment still felt very hotel-like to me, but that was probably my fault, as I still hadn’t put anything of my own inside. I knew I would eventually have to go shopping and make the place feel more like home, but I couldn’t seem to find the motivation for it. The phone rang and I cringed when I saw it was my mother.
“Mom! What are you doing up so late?” I said as I answered.
“Darling, you keep forgetting the time difference, it’s still early here.”
“Oh, yes, of course, I keep forgetting.”
“What time is it there?”
I looked at the clock. “It’s 10 to 12.”
“And you’re still up!”
“That’s the life of a chef, I guess. We close at 11, but you never get to go home straight away. I literally just walked through the doors and flopped on the bed.”
“I still can’t believe my little girl is all the way in Belgium. I was telling all the ladies today. I was so proud to show you off like that. For once I was the one with the most interesting news. They are all so impressed by you, Alice. They are all planning a trip to visit. Of course, you know what they’re like; they’ll never actually hop on a plane. But it’s nice to dream. So, how was your day? Did you make anything amazing?”
“Not yet. I’m still in training. They have me running around like crazy. Right now I’m just the helper in the kitchen. They won’t actually put me on the chef staff until I’ve done about two months as a helper. And even then, you have to pass some strict tests to make it through. They are nothing but thorough.”
“Well, I’m not surprised. They’re not known as one of the best restaurants in the world for nothing. Don’t worry; you’ll get there. It’s still early days. I’m sure you are learning so much in the meantime.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I said. I was too tired to act excited.
“Darling, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re enjoying yourself, aren’t you?”
“I guess. It’s not easy.”
“Nobody said it would be easy. Anyway, nothing good came from easy.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m just tired. That’s all.”
“Go and get some sleep. Let’s chat when you’re not so tired. Okay?”
“Okay, Mom. I love you.”
I wasn’t sure if her statement was true. Nothing good came from easy? Why did everything have to be so hard? I had hoped that two weeks into the job would have me feeling like I had done the right thing, but all I could think about was Jacob. Also, I wasn’t sure if I even enjoyed the job. A big part of me was sure that restaurant work wasn’t actually for me. I worked well when I cooked for one person, and my dreams of writing a book were getting stronger each day. But what was I to do? I wasn’t sure if I was cut out for the job, but I also didn’t want to miss out on what I knew to be an amazing opportunity. People would give anything for this job, and here I was wishing it away. I sighed and climbed into bed without bothering with a shower. I was even too tired to brush my teeth. I closed my eyes and willed sleep to come.
The following day I found myself feeling flustered all over again. I had already made several mistakes at work, and I wasn’t sure if it was because of my incompetence, or because my head wasn’t quite in the game. I was halfway through my shift when Tyronne LeNom pulled me aside to talk to me. He was a nice man, but not at all what I expected. He wasn’t in the restaurant as often as I thought he would be, but spent most of his time developing new ideas in his office. He was the ‘ideas man’ and the very reason why the restaurant was so different from the others. He had a few managers on-site that saw to the place and made sure that everything was running smoothly. I was sure that they had told him what an idiot I was.
“Alice, bonjour. How are you?”
“Ca vas bien,” I said in broken French. Thankfully the restaurant was filled with both French and English speakers, so I was able to tell what was going on most of the time, but I knew I was going to have to make more of an effort to learn. It was such a beautiful language but hard to learn at work. If anything I was probably just picking up on swear words more than anything else.
“I’m just checking to see how you are doing? It’s been two weeks already, so you should be feeling a bit more settled in. Are you struggling?”
I sighed. There was no point in denying it. He obviously already knew how much I was battling. “I am a little. It’s a great place, and I’m learning a lot. I’ve just made some silly mistakes.”
“You are very hard on yourself, but that is good. If you didn’t get frustrated and you didn’t care then I would be worried. Don’t give up, Alice; keep on pushing. You have great talent. I can see it. And you’re very good with people. Everyone likes you.”
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His comment surprised me. “They do? I thought they all thought I was an idiot.”
He laughed. “Not at all, Alice. Remember that they all started off where you are, they know how hard it is. You’ll be fine. Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Good, now today you can leave at 7, as we are closing for a few renovations. The restaurant will be closed tomorrow too, so you can enjoy a good day off. Take that time to think things through and come back in with even more determination than before. Deal?”
“Deal.”
I was so relieved. The thought of getting home at midnight again had made me feel sick. I went back to work and continued in the kitchen. I thought the pep talk would’ve made me feel better, but I still couldn’t seem to get into the groove of things. I had the gnawing sensation that I didn’t quite belong. Perhaps Tyronne was right. Maybe I just needed to take a step back and return with a new attitude. I managed to get through the day, but I was relieved when we were told we could leave.
I stepped out into the cool evening air and made my way home. The apartment was about a 15-minute walk from the restaurant, but I usually still got a cab home when I was done. I wasn’t sure how safe I felt walking home at that time of the night. Now that it was earlier, I decided to take a slow stroll, and take in a bit of the sights.
It was such a pretty road, but I was battling to fully enjoy it. I wanted someone to share it with me. Maybe I could convince Laurie to visit sooner than planned. I beautiful building across the road caught my attention, and I crossed over to get a better view. I saw that it was an art gallery and that it was open. I decided to go inside, as it seemed a much better idea than going home to my lonely apartment.
“Hello, lovely lady, come in. Come in.”
I looked over to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged man coming towards me. He was wearing a tailored blue suit that nobody else would be able to pull off as well as him. He had a kind face, and I took an immediate liking to him.
“Hello. What a beautiful place this is.”
He smiled. “Thank you. It’s my pride and joy.”
“You own it?”
“I sure do. I’m Patrick, by the way.”
“I’m Alice.”
“And you’re American?”
I laughed. “That obvious, huh? I sure am. Only been here two weeks.”
“And what brings you here?”
“Work,” I said and launched into the tale of how I now work for LeNom.
“Wonderful place. I go there all the time. Hard not to when it’s in walking distance of my work. You don’t seem happy, though. Homesick?”
I nodded. “Yeah, something like that.”
“Well, maybe some of this art will cheer you up. Please feel free to walk around and take your time. We stay open until late here.”
I walked around the room, looking at all the beautiful artwork on display. Some modern, some old. All of them were exquisite. I thought of Jacob, and how much he had loved art before he lost his eyesight. There was one in particular that evoked a strong sense of emotion in me. The more I looked at it, the more I couldn’t look away. I felt the tears falling down my cheeks, and I brushed them away.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Patrick said.
I looked at him and smiled. “It’s breathtaking.”
“You know, art is a bit like love.”
“How so?” I said, as I turned my attention back to the painting.
“You will find a few that you like, but there is that one piece of art that you can’t be without seeing every day.”
I smiled. “Nobody has ever said anything truer to me.”
“Is there someone back home that you’re missing?” he asked gently.
I nodded. “There is.”
“You look like you’re struggling with a decision.”
“I am. Are you a mind reader?” I asked.
He laughed. “No, but for some reason, art always seems to bring out someone’s true emotions. You’ve found yours. Whatever is going on, you need to follow your heart. There is no such thing as right or wrong, and listening to others is only good up to a certain extent. There comes a time when you have to look within to make your decision.”
I looked at Patrick and smiled. “Thank you.” I suddenly knew what I had to do. All of a sudden it seemed like the most obvious decision in the world.
“Alice, will you do me a favor?”
“Of course. Anything.”
“If you leave Belgium, will you come back to visit?”
I chuckled. It seemed that Patrick knew what I had to do, too. I smiled. “I promise you that I will.”
Chapter 33
Jacob
I thought things would get easier, but I missed Alice every single day. Some nights I dreamed about her and would wake up thinking she was there. I’d feel for her and then feel deflated when I remembered that she had gone. Other nights I would dream about my childhood. I’d remember things that I had done to her, and I’d wake up relieved that she was out of my clutches. I wanted her to go out and live her life but I still wished that it could’ve been with me. I just hoped I had done the right thing. The one thing I knew for certain was that I was never going to find love again. I didn’t deserve it. I would live out my life listening to audiobooks and learning how to live as a blind person. I would reach out to others, and spend my years doing good to other people. But I would never let anyone get that close to me again.
I was busy in the kitchen when the door knocked. As usual, my heart thumped in my chest at the prospect of it being Alice.
“Oh hey, Hayden,” I said.
He laughed. “You creep me out when you do that. Do I smell bad or something? How do you always know when it’s me?”
“You do smell, actually. But not bad. Everyone has a smell, and you have a very particular one.”
He groaned. “That’s weird.”
“Well, it’s all I’ve got. Hey, why didn’t you let yourself in? You know you’ve got a key, right?” I said as I closed the door behind us.
“Yeah, but I’m not just going to walk in unannounced. For all I know you’re walking around the house without your clothes on.”
I laughed. “You’re right. I do that all the time, so it’s probably better that you knocked.”
“You do?” he exclaimed.
“No! Of course not.”
“Phew. I’m relieved. That was not a pretty picture.”
“Stop thinking about me. Would you like a beer and a sandwich? I was making one for myself.”
“Sure. I can make it, though.”
I shook my head. “Nah, I’ve got this. It’s about the only meal I know how to do without messing it up, so I might as well keep practicing.”
I made my way around the kitchen and explained what I was doing. He seemed impressed, and I was quite proud of how far I had come. I didn’t tell him about the amount of times I had messed up or dropped things on the floor. Or the time I had slid to the floor myself and burst into tears. He didn’t need to know about all the failures that I had been through, or the hardships. I was glad that it at least looked like I was doing okay. When the sandwiches were done, we made our way to the living room to eat.
“I’m impressed. I didn’t know you could find your way around the kitchen like that.”
I shrugged. “Ah, I can make very simple things. It’s okay. Although, I’m pretty sick of eating the same things every day. It’s better than nothing I suppose, and hopefully, I’ll get more adventurous in time. I’ve never been all that good in the kitchen, though.”
“Then you’re in luck. I found you another chef.”
“You did? I didn’t realize you were looking.”
“Oh? I mentioned it the last time. You said it was fine and that I could go ahead with it.”
“It does actually ring a bell. Sorry, Hayden. I guess my mind hasn’t been all that focused lately. I am actually happy that you’ve found someone. Nobody from my past, I hope?” I joked.
He laughed. “Of course not. Well, she’s starting on Monday. So you have a few more days of eating sandwiches in front of you.”
I actually couldn’t care less about the new chef. I wasn’t planning on becoming friends with them, and I certainly wasn’t going to sleep with them. I had learned my lesson the hard way. I also wasn’t going to fight him on it. Hayden wouldn’t want me to worry about cooking. He knew I didn’t actually enjoy it and I had a feeling he liked knowing that there was someone in the house with me. I couldn’t blame him. In a way, I was happy to have someone there too, although I was actually starting to get used to being on my own again.
“That’s fine. Monday is great. Thanks, Hayden. I appreciate it.”
“Ah, it’s fine. I don’t mind helping. So, how are you holding out? Have you heard from Alice at all?”
I shook my head. “I’m doing okay. It’s weird not having her here, but I’m getting used to it. I haven’t heard a thing from her, which is good. I don’t want to hear from her. I only did what I did so that she would go on and have a good life without me.”
Hayden sighed. “I still can’t believe you did that.”
“I know. It’s awful, isn’t it? I feel horrible. But it was the only thing to do. Being horrible to her meant that she could go away and stop thinking about me. She’s a great person, and that job in Belgium was too good to pass up. I would never be able to forgive myself knowing that she stayed behind for me. Nah, it was time that I did something for her for a change. She might hate me, but at least she’ll be happy.”
“You’re a good guy, Jacob.”
I snorted. “Good guy? Not really. I’m the opposite of a good guy.”