He shook his head. “I want to go upstairs.” She thought he meant to go alone until he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and guided her toward the stairs. The layout of this house and the one next door was identical but she and her brothers had made many upgrades over the years. This house was caught in a time warp from the early eighties.
No, Tobias’s grandfather hadn’t liked to part with a dime. Instead, the man had scrimped and saved so his grandson could have whatever he needed for school and then post-secondary education. Kansas had loved the man deeply. Unlike her own parents who’d done their duty and departed as soon as she’d become a legal adult, William Slater had loved his grandson deeply.
Tears filled her eyes when they reached the top of the stairs and William’s bedroom. Like the rest of the house, it was plain, with a double bed dominating the room. A nightstand sat beside it and a chest of drawers was situated against the adjacent wall. No television up here. He hadn’t believed in having one in the bedroom. An old radio sat on the nightstand. She knew he’d enjoyed listening to music and the occasional ballgame before he went to bed.
Memories had to be bombarding Tobias as well. “He loved you,” she reminded him.
He nodded and took a deep breath and stepped inside. “I expect to hear him yelling up the stairs for me to come down to breakfast.” He ran his finger over the thin layer of dust that covered the dresser.
“I didn’t come back after the funeral. It didn’t seem right to be here if he wasn’t.” The dust on every surface was an embarrassment. She should have taken better care of William’s home, of Tobias’s home.
Tobias turned to her. “Thank you for looking after him, for loving him.”
She hugged him tight. “You don’t have to thank me for that.”
He nodded and ushered her out of the space. His steps were heavy as he took the final few strides down the hallway to his room. He paused outside the door and then pushed it open. He made a small sound of pain as he released her and walked inside. She crossed her arms and hugged herself, wishing there was some way she could ease his suffering.
“He never changed a damn thing.” Tobias turned to her. “I told him to go ahead and do whatever he wanted with the room, even offered him the money to do it, but he’d always shake his head and tell me this was my room so it was up to me to change it if I wanted to.”
Kansas had seen the room many times before. Was familiar with the desk in the corner where a pen sat on a pad of paper just waiting for Tobias. Several textbooks were propped up next to it. The shelf next to the desk contained books on law enforcement and paperback murder mysteries, along with a trophy for high school baseball.
“Fuck.” Tobias scrubbed his hands over his face. “I know I need to start going through this stuff.”
It was time for her to step in. “Not today.” She shook her head to make her point when he looked at her. “This is all a shock. It’s the first time you’ve been here and your grandfather isn’t with you.”
He swallowed hard and as she watched he blinked several times. She wasn’t quite as successful in hiding her emotions and a tear rolled down her cheek. Another quickly followed it. “I miss him too.”
“Kansas.” Tobias was by her side in a heartbeat. “Baby, don’t cry.” He banded his arms around her and held her until the onslaught of emotion subsided.
“I haven’t been back since I locked the door after his funeral,” she confessed. “It just seemed wrong to be here without him.”
He swore. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to come with me.”
“Yes, you should have. I’m glad you did.” She hugged him. “You’re not alone,” she reminded him.
What she really wanted to do was tell him she loved him but was afraid that would only drive him away. He’d lost everyone he’d ever cared about, and she knew he was skittish about relationships.
Time, she reminded herself. All she needed was time to make him understand it was safe to love her, that she’d always have his back and never leave him, at least not voluntarily. This empty house was a testament to the fact that life didn’t come with guarantees. But life was also as barren as this home was if you didn’t have love.
Kansas was lucky enough to have two brothers she dearly loved even when they were driving her crazy. She knew without a doubt that they’d always have her back.
What she felt for Tobias was a much different kind of love. She wanted to share her life and her family with him, to drive away the shadows that lingered in his eyes and ease the tension that seemed his constant companion.
“Let’s go home.” She tensed when she realized what she’d said. Thankfully, Tobias didn’t seem to notice the slip, or if he did he didn’t comment on it.
“Yeah. Okay.” They headed down the stairs and out the front door, locking up behind them. “I need to figure out what I’m going to get rid of and what I want to keep.” He huffed out a breath. “Hell, I don’t know if I’m going to put the house on the market or not.”
Her heart ached at the thought of him selling. If he was living next door, they had a chance. If he disappeared from her life again she didn’t know if her heart would ever recover from the blow.
“You don’t need to make any decisions today. You’re on leave, right?” She opened her front door and stepped inside. “Crap, I forgot to close the windows in your grandfather’s living room.” It was really Tobias’s living room now but saying that just didn’t sound right.
“I’ll get it later. The place needs to air out.” He followed her inside and automatically locked the door behind him. “And, yeah, I’m on leave. I’ve got to make some decisions about my life.”
Chapter Five
Tobias hadn’t expected the visit next door to hit him so damn hard. It had helped to have Kansas by his side, someone who cared about him, someone who had loved the old man as much as he had. It had been strange stepping back into the place, so familiar yet foreign at the same time. He no longer belonged there. He wasn’t the same man who’d left all those years ago.
He’d been young and idealistic. Working in law enforcement had taken the shine off him and toughened him up, but he’d held onto his ideals. His last under cover assignment had smashed his ideals to pieces and left him wondering what the hell he thought he was doing. He’d sacrificed so much and what was the outcome? One drug organization was gone but another would pop back up to fill the void. Hell, it had already happened. There was always some shark circling, just waiting for an opportunity to strike.
“Why don’t we sit down?”
He was still standing in the foyer. “Yeah. Sure.” He walked into the living room, slumped down on one end of the sofa and tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling. His entire life he’d always known what he’d wanted to do, but no longer.
The cushions depressed next to him and he raised his head and stared at Kansas. Beautiful, generous, Kansas.
“What happened?”
He’d known that question was coming from the second he’d set eyes on her again. Strange thing was, he wanted to tell her about the past two years of his life, maybe not all of it, but enough so she’d understand.
“I’d agreed to infiltrate a drug cartel out in California.”
She pulled her feet up onto the edge of the sofa and wrapped her arms around her knees. “Before you left that last time?”
“Yeah.” He never should have kissed her knowing what he’d been headed into. “We knew it would take months or longer for me to work my way up the ranks enough to get some useful intel.”
“It took longer than a few months.” Her voice was so sad it made him want to wrap his arms around her, but if he did that they’d end up making love again and he might never find the courage to share this with her again.
“A lot longer.” It had seemed like forever to him sometimes. “It was tough.” Understatement of the century. “I had to live among them, break a few laws to fit in.”
Kansas nibbled on her bottom lip and r
ocked back and forth. “That had to have been tough on you.”
It had gone against everything he’d believed in, but his consolation was the reminder that what he was doing was for the greater good. “They were into so much. Drugs, guns, human trafficking.” That had been the worst for him. He’d done everything he could to funnel information back to his superiors. It had helped some of the women but not all.
She touched his arm. “You did what you could,” she reminded him.
“It wasn’t enough.” He saw their faces in his dreams, the ones he hadn’t been able to help, to save.
“Oh, Tobias.” Kansas came up onto her knees and swung one of them over his lap so she was sitting facing him with her legs on either side of his. She cupped his face and stared at him. He loved her eyes. They were a clear green and filled with such compassion.
He shook his head. “It was never enough.” That was what had finally broken him. He’d been thinking about asking to be pulled out when he’d finally got the information he’d needed. His bosses had nabbed a huge drug shipment and caught the drug lord and his top men red-handed. In the ensuing shootout, all of them had been killed. Tobias had been arrested along with the remaining others and finally set free.
“You’re only one man, Tobias. I know you so I know you did everything humanly possible. You did your job. You made a difference.”
He so wanted to believe her. “I can’t go back.” He didn’t have the stomach for it anymore. He needed to be around normal people doing normal things. “The problem with living and working with criminals is you get to know them as people.” He wanted Kansas to understand. “Some of them are decent guys who got dragged into the business by family or friends. Others are doing what they have to in order to make a living. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s hard to have dinner in a man’s home with his wife and kids and then have him arrested or see him killed in a shootout.”
She brushed her fingers through his hair. There was something about her touch that soothed the gnawing ache in his gut. “Those men all had choices, Tobias.” When he started to speak she shook her head. “No, I see it everyday in my work. There are always other options. You can walk away from crime and get help from any number of organizations. The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we have no choice. I’m sorry for the women and children who get caught up in that life or are dragged into it, the ones that can’t walk away, who have no hope. They’re the true victims. But you did what you had to do. Don’t ever feel ashamed of that.”
He had to kiss her. He wrapped his hand around her nape and pulled her close. Her breath was warm and her lips soft. He kissed her gently at first, wanting only to thank her. The gift of her understanding was priceless.
She tasted like hope and new beginnings. He angled his head so he could deepen the kiss. Their tongues tangled and their breathing quickened. He roamed his hands down her slender spine and back up again. She was lean but there was strength there too.
She clutched at his shoulders and kneaded his muscles. His cock pressed against her stomach and she made a soft sound of pleasure that had the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. He clutched her ass and squeezed the plump mounds.
He had to have her. Had to have her now.
“What the hell is going on?”
The male voice intruded, and Tobias reacted without thinking. He tossed Kansas onto the sofa behind him and whipped his gun out from the holster at the small of his back, aiming it at the threat.
“Don’t shoot,” the male voice bellowed. “For God’s sake, Slater, put the gun away.”
Heart pounding, blood pumping, Tobias took a deep breath and slowly lowered the weapon he’d been aiming at his best friend.
“What the fuck are you doing here, York?”
The tall man glared back at him. “I could ask you the same thing.”
“What’s going on?” Reno Fielding appeared behind his older brother.
Tobias tucked his gun back into the holster and ignored Reno’s question. Kansas was scrambling off the sofa, her face pale. He reached for her hand and helped her to her feet.
“What’s going on is that Tobias had his hands all over our baby sister.” York sounded pissed and Tobias couldn’t really blame the man. His friend had been in law enforcement and knew what Tobias had been doing the past few years, knew the toll it took on a man.
Reno leaned against the archway and crossed his arms over his chest. “He did, did he?”
“Stop it both of you.” Kansas pushed past him and glared at her brothers. “What goes on between me and Tobias is none of your business.”
“Not helping.” He kept his voice low but both men heard him.
“And what exactly has gone on?” York asked. Tobias wasn’t fooled by the man’s even tone. His friend was angry and more than ready for a fight.
Tobias decided to jump in before the situation got too out of hand. “I caught some guys hassling Kansas outside the house last night.” Her bothers’ attention was immediately diverted to their sister and her safety.
“I told you to be more careful,” York began.
“I knew something like that would happen.” Reno’s hands fisted at his sides like he wanted to hit something or someone. “Who was it?”
“I took care of it,” he told them. Both men turned their scowls on him but that didn’t bother him. He’d handled meaner than them over the past two years. These two were hard as nails but they played by the rules.
York dragged his fingers through his short brown hair. “Damn it, Kansas, you have to be more careful.”
“I am careful.” She propped her hands on her hips and glared at all three of them. “But I grew up in this neighbourhood, work here, shop here. Folks know where I live.”
“All the more reason to move,” York began.
“Don’t start.” She pointed her index finger at her brother. Tobias swallowed a smile. He loved watching her call out her brothers. It was sexy as hell. These men were used to intimidating those around them with their size and sheer presence, but not Kansas.
She whirled around and turned that finger on him, poking his chest. “And you. You’re no better. Why did you have to tell them about last night?”
For a moment his mind was flooded with images of them naked, their bodies entwined in her bed. His nostrils flared and his body tensed. Kansas froze, sensing the change in him. Reno pushed away from the wall and York took a step toward them.
“I’m going to make coffee,” she announced. He knew it was more an excuse to regroup than an actual need for coffee that motivated her. He didn’t blame her. “Behave while I’m gone,” she called over her shoulder.
There might only be a wall between them but the atmosphere changed now that it was only the three men in the room.
“What the hell have you done?” York demanded.
“None of your damn business,” he fired back. He wasn’t about to talk about what he and Kansas had done with anyone. He respected her too much for that.
“Kansas,” York yelled.
“What?” she called back.
“Get back in here,” he demanded.
“Hold your horses.” She appeared a few seconds later. “Coffee is brewing. Now, what has your shorts in a knot?”
“You slept with him, didn’t you?” York demanded. Reno was hanging back, watching all of them. Tobias didn’t like it.
“That’s none of your business, York.”
Her brother reached for her and Tobias, acting on instinct, grabbed her hand and pulled her behind him. He knew his friend wouldn’t hurt her but he couldn’t stop himself from protecting her. York’s jaw dropped and he shook his head.
Maybe he was being an idiot but Tobias didn’t care. “You don’t put your hands on her in anger. Not ever.”
He’d seen too much violence over the past few years, much of it he’d been unable to do anything about. Slender arms slid around his waist and she hugged him before she stepped to his side.
“Mighty prot
ective, aren’t you?”
He ignored Reno’s observation. Kansas huffed out a breath and tried to move around him but Tobias slung his arm over her shoulder and kept her close.
“How about we all go into the kitchen and have coffee like civilized people.” She glared at her brothers until they finally nodded.
She tried to move again but he applied subtle pressure and motioned to her brothers to go first. He didn’t like anyone at his back, anyone that is but Kansas.
Neither brother was thrilled but they turned and stomped into the kitchen. Reno sat, kicked out his long legs in front of him and rested his folded hands on his stomach. York ignored the chairs and leaned against the counter.
This was just like old times, the four of them together. What was new was the tension between them. It had never been like this before. Tobias was very afraid he’d damaged their relationship permanently.
He watched Kansas as she slid out from under his arm and began to pour coffee. He stayed closed and picked up two of the mugs, handing one of them to Reno. Neither man spoke, all of them glaring at one another.
***
This was ridiculous. Honestly, men could be so stupid at times. “What is wrong with you?” she demanded of her brothers. “Tobias is your best friend. He’s been gone for two years and this is how you greet him?” She threw in the next bit for good measure. “We just came back from next door.”
Both of her brothers looked very uncomfortable and then York sighed. “I’m really sorry about William, man.”
“Me too,” Reno told Tobias.
Kansas wanted to shake the lot of them except they were too darn big. Both her brothers were almost as large as Tobias. There was a hell of a lot of testosterone choking the oxygen supply in the room.
“Seriously, that’s the best you can do?” she demanded.
“It’s okay,” Tobias told her. “It’s enough.”
Kansas took a sip of her coffee to fortify her courage. This is not how she wanted to do this, but her brothers hadn’t left her much choice. She turned to York. He was the oldest of them all, more father at times than older brother. Her gaze softened. In spite of his dictatorial ways, she knew he loved her.
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