Air streamed from her mouth in a misty cloud. Winter was holding on tight this year. It was early March and still the snow swirled. The air smelled like copper pennies and the bite in the wind stung her cheeks. It nipped at her heels as she hurried back inside, chafing her arms.
While Sadie finished eating and jabbered, Josie pulled up their bank account on her phone but her ringless finger paused over the transfer button. This seemed the most concrete step to take. Somehow moving half the cyber-money from their joint account to her personal one seemed more of a statement than packing their clothes, loading them into the car and driving away. Steeling her jaw, she tapped the appropriate buttons and closed the program.
The little girl had lost all interest in eating her lunch and was using one thumb to smash peas into her tray, her pink tongue sticking out in concentration. Inky curls escaped her barrettes and tumbled around her ears. At that moment, she looked so much like her daddy that Josie sucked in a swift breath.
“Skish!” Sadie laughed.
“They’re squished all right,” Josie reached for a paper towel.
Sadie needed wiped down and a diaper change, and there were a few last minute items Josie had to grab. Trying to stuff her daughter’s tiny little arms into her winter coat was a challenge. How anybody could go from boneless to stiff as a two-by-four in an instant amazed her. It made a thirty-second task last six times as long and jacked the stress level up eight degrees. Each second chipped away at that numb shell she’d wrapped herself in this morning.
The minor fight at been the proverbial straw and her camel’s back was broken. She couldn’t face another argument, another chilling silence, another lonely night staring at the television. When was the last time they’d spoken to each other about something other than if was this bill paid or that piece of mail was important or if the gas tank needed filling? This morning was just another repetition of a tense cycle she couldn’t handle another minute.
She’d been up for an hour with Sadie, had made and fed her breakfast and turned on the television to keep the child from destroying anything while she cleaned up. Down the hall, the bedroom door opened and her fingers tightened around the sponge, anxiety creeping into her spine at the heavy footsteps coming up the hallway. He’d spoken to Sadie. There had been giggling, jabbering and a tickling match accompanied by deep bear growling sounds and childish joy. Then he came into the kitchen.
Wade had always been tall. At nearly six-five, he towered over everyone, including her, and she loved that. She’d looked down on most boys growing up and as an adult could stand toe to toe and nose to nose with them. Not Wade. He’d made her feel small and delicate, things she hadn’t felt since puberty.
He’d carried less weight when they’d met, his frame long and lanky. Now his body was a collection of hard muscles and well-defined lines. His broad shoulders stretched the cotton of his tee shirt tight across his chest. Biceps sporting new bulges and curves forced his shirtsleeves higher, exposing every inch of rounded muscle. His hair was longer than before, too. It curled around his ears and skimmed his collar like blackened wings. It framed his eyes beneath a set of dark brows.
His eyes were what had first made her heart stutter. A brilliant pale blue, they seemed almost too light for his dark coloring. Black Irish, his mother had joked, the wildest, rowdiest bunch of the Emerald Isle. Back when they’d met, she’d believed that. Wade had always been a fun-seeker, a rebel-rouser, the life of the party. Oh, he worked hard but he played just as hard, celebrating every breath as if he might never draw another.
She’d gotten wrapped up in that blaze of energy and had delighted in the burn. He used to laugh with her, make her laugh. Now his mouth was thin and clamped tight. He sank into his chair to pull on his work boots. The breadth of his back now astounded her. How many nights had she clung to those shoulders, nails raking across that back as she whimpered beneath him?
But it wasn’t this back, these shoulders. The man she’d married had changed. He’d gotten larger, bigger, harder.
He stood and yanked a dark blue hoodie over his head then reached for his travel mug. Coffee poured in silence as she wiped the clean sink over and over.
“Are we out of sugar?” He stared into the cabinet with a frown, empty sugar container in his hand. He took his coffee black and sweet.
“I guess so. I planned to go to the grocery store this afternoon.”
“Don’t you usually go on Fridays after school?”
“I had a parent meeting yesterday and ran out of time. I had to get Sadie from daycare by five.”
His mouth pinched tight, white forming around his lips. The cabinet door banged shut and he dumped his steaming cup into the sink. “You couldn’t take her with you?”
“You’re the one who puts sugar in his coffee every morning. You could have told me we were out. Or brought some home with you.”
“I thought you’d pick it up at the store like you do every week.”
“I’ll get it when I go today.”
“And I’ll just go without coffee this morning.”
The sarcasm grated on her. “There’s always the donut shop on the corner.”
“Yeah.” Jerking his lunch box off the counter, he angled by her toward the door. “I have to get to work.”
The back door didn’t slam but that click when it closed rang like a death knell. He offered no goodbye, no kiss or touch, nothing to say she was more than a warm body that washed his clothes, fixed his meals and bought his damn sugar. She didn’t feel like Mrs. Wade McGowan anymore. She just felt alone and had for a long time.
Sadie tugged away and jerked Josie back into the present. As far as arguments went, this morning had been nothing. But it was also everything. It drove home that they weren’t working. This marriage wasn’t working. They were little more than strangers who occupied the same space.
She zipped the tiny pink coat as her eyes skated over every reminder of what she was walking away from; Wade’s sneakers resting on the rug by the door, the picture of their wedding day hanging above the mantel, a massive sweatshirt on the back of a dining room chair. Everything blurred once more.
An odd frantic beat formed in her bones, an urge to run, to run fast and run now. She thrust her arms into her coat, scooped up her daughter and headed out. She was a raw ball of sizzling nerves as she strapped Sadie into her car seat.
The rumbling of his truck engine chilled her blood. It was barely one and Wade wasn’t due home until seven. She should have been in the clear. If Sadie hadn’t fought putting on her coat. If Josie hadn’t taken time to braid her hair. If she hadn’t spent so much time shoving so many things into a too small case, cramming in one more shirt, one more pair of socks. If only…
She stood frozen as he pulled in beside her car and climbed out. Her fingers curled around the doorframe, fingertips digging into the cold metal. The crash of his truck door shutting made her jump like a cornered thief. A large rip in his jeans exposed his thigh and the edges of his dark blue boxer briefs.
“Did you hurt yourself?” Where had that come from, that calm wifely concern? There was no mark on his revealed skin, no blood on the torn denim. An order chanted through her brain. Run, run, run, run… Josie couldn’t move.
“Nah. Caught my leg on the corner of the damned toolbox. I can’t work all day with my underwear shining. Need to change pants.”
“Daddeee!” Inside the car, Sadie squirmed, determined to free her little body from the restraining straps.
He crossed the back of the car, stepping between her and the opened door to lean into Sadie. “Hey, Tatertot, you and Mommy going to the…”
His voice trailed off as he spotted the suitcases perched beside her car seat. Sadie yammered but Wade was no longer paying attention. His spine went stiff and he turned, his eyes filled with accusation. “What’s this?”
“We’re going to my mother’s.”
His frame unfolded in increments until he stood straight, blue eyes frigid with anger and lo
cked on her face. “You’re leaving me?”
The paralysis evaporated and she jumped into gear, reaching by him to shut Sadie’s door. Inside, the little girl burst into tears, calling for her daddy. Josie raced around the front of the car and popped open her door. “I can’t talk about this now.”
She hadn’t seen him move but his body blocked the sunlight, throwing a shadow across her in the driver’s seat. She couldn’t shut her door with him standing there. “Jesus, Josie, we have to talk about this.”
“Not now, Wade.”
In the backseat, Sadie was working up to stellar meltdown. The echoing noise pierced Josie’s ears like an ice pick and her frazzle nerves stretched to the breaking point.
Wade reached in and snatched the keys from her hand, then refused to budge. “Yes, now, damn it. What the hell is going on? Why are you leaving? What did I do?”
What did he do? Nothing. And everything. Wrapping her hands on the cold steering wheel, she blinked, trying to see, and swallowed something that threatened to scratch its way out of her throat.
“Josie.” He squatted, framed between her door and her seat. “Talk to me.”
“It’s cold. I need to shut the door. Give me my keys.”
She could feel his stare but didn’t dare turn her head and see it. It would be too easy to remember before, to look into those Black Irish blue eyes and remember back when they only needed each other. Whatever was in her throat found no escape so it dug deep into her lungs and tried to burrow its way out of her chest.
If he had reached for her, taken her in his arms or even taken her hand, maybe she could have pried herself out of the cold seat, could snuggle against his chest and let old memories and hope brush off this need to run away. But he did nothing, just looked at her.
“What’s happening? Is this a ‘I just need some space’ type deal or is this… Is this permanent?”
“I don’t know.”
His mouth worked but nothing escaped. His face held something questioning, something lost and something confused.
“Are you saying you want a divorce?”
Did she want one? No. But what else was left to do? “I can’t live like this anymore.”
“So you’re running away?”
Her eyes pinched to block out the pain in his voice. But she heard him suck in a slow breath. Sadie hadn’t stopped crying but Josie heard him and it sliced into her like a knife. This was Wade gearing up for a fight. She had no fight left in her.
“Is there another man?”
A snort flew from her lips and popped her eyes open. “Good hell, Wade, when would I have the damned time for a guy? In between teaching and Sadie, I’m lucky if I can take a shower let alone have some shitty affair.”
She’d looked at him and now couldn’t look away. His cheeks were red from the cold and his hair mussed. Tiny lines had started to form at the creases of his eyes and he’d missed a spot shaving this morning. At one time, she’d have teased him about that then licked along that rough spot beside his left ear. At one time… It seemed like a lifetime ago.
A whimper caught in her mouth, the bitter taste nearly gagging her. Traitorously, her hand wanted to cup his cheek, to stroke her thumb over that tiny patch of whiskers, but she merely squeezed the steering wheel.
His whisper stabbed her. “I love you, Josie. Don’t do this.”
“I have to go.”
Anger mixed with shock and morphed into determination on his face. His jaw went hard and the knuckles on his hands went white. “You can’t say it back?”
She could have. She could have shouted it until it left her throat raw and her voice cracked. But it wouldn’t fix anything. It was better to stay quiet. Maybe if she didn’t say it, she’d stop feeling it.
“Wade, please. The cold air’s not good for Sadie.”
His gaze flicked back to their daughter. One hand ran over his thigh, the one with the rip, and he nodded. “All right but this isn’t over. We need to talk.”
“Not now.”
“Then when? In front of judges and lawyers in divorce court? Over child custody hearings and property divisions?”
“I don’t know. Not now. Later.”
“Later?” A knot worked his throat where he swallowed. He hung his head and exhaled, but when he lifted his face, tight lines showed he wasn’t finished battling. “Tonight.”
She shook her head. Not tonight. It was too soon. Never was too soon. Couldn’t he tell that this minute was tearing her apart? How was a few hours supposed to make it any easier? How could a few years make it any easier?
“Tomorrow, then.”
The word grated from his lips, chewed to a raw grunt. His jaw worked back and forth but his eyes never left her face. She could feel his glare boring into her skin. One hand raked furiously through his hair.
“Damn it, Jo. I’m not letting you walk away from me like this. If you want a goddamned divorce, then fine, but not until you fucking tell me why. This is our marriage, our life, and Sadie’s future. You can’t just throw everything to the curb. Let me try to fix this. Please.”
Fix it? Could they fix this? Could he? God knows she had no idea how to even start. That was why she was running.
No words would come so she merely nodded. The concession stole some of the rigidity from his spine. He stood and opened the back door, crawling across the seat to kiss Sadie. He quieted her with gentle words and promises that daddy would see her soon. In a few minutes, Sadie was smiling and making her favorite rabbit toy hop along his chest and up to bop his chin. Wade pressed one last kiss to her head then climbed out and shut the door. He handed Josie her keys.
“Let me know you get there okay.”
“It’s just on the other side of town.”
“But I won’t be there and you won’t be here. If you can’t stand to talk to me, just fucking text me. Let me know my wife and kid are safe, all right?”
Bobbing a fast nod, she shut the door, keyed the engine and drove away. If she hadn’t looked in the review mirror, she wouldn’t have seen the misery on his face. If she hadn’t looked back, she wouldn’t have seen the pain ripple across his cheeks. If she hadn’t looked back, she might have kept her tears at bay. But she had looked so she cried the entire drive to her parent’s house.
Chapter Two
We’re here and fine.
Less than forty minutes later, that was all her text had said. No I love you. No I’m sorry. No I want this to work out. Nothing.
He’d changed his jeans and gone back to work, terrorizing every man on his crew. Calling his mood black was an understatement and he ripped into more than one idiot for not following orders, dragging their feet or generally breathing in his vicinity. Finally, the second half of McGowan and Kramer Contracting had had enough and dragged him into the office trailer, demanding to know what had crawled up Wade’s ass.
“I don’t want to talk about it, just leave it alone.”
“Nope, you’re pissed about something major. I’ve seen you take a beating and be in a better mood. Spill.”
“Josie left me.”
Jesus, that hurt. Just saying it aloud burned like acid.
Mike blinked then whistled. “What the fuck, man? I thought you two were good.”
“Guess not.”
“What happened?”
“If I fucking knew that, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“Like left left or just shut you out of the bedroom left?”
She hadn’t been in the bedroom to shut him out. He scrubbed his face with useless hands. “She packed some stuff and took the baby to her mother’s.”
Mike shook his head. “Wade, dude, you need to, I don’t know, get a marriage counselor or some shit. I know that last year or so has been a bitch but you two are perfect for each other. You’re kind of disgusting how made for each other you are.”
“Not anymore.”
“No. Don’t be giving up like that. You gotta fix this, find some way to save what you two have. There has to
be something, some last ditch Hail Mary move that can keep you two from splitting. What about your priest? Can’t he help?”
Wade scoffed. “At this point, I’d ask Ronald McDonald if I thought it’d help. I have to get her to talk to me first, figure out what’s wrong. I can’t fix anything until I know that.”
“Did you ask her?” He glared and Mike shrugged. “Well, did you?”
“Yeah. She didn’t say anything.”
His partner blew a harsh breath. “Damn, I don’t know what else to say.”
“Say yes.” Wade tossed his work gloves on the desk and threw his body into the rickety chair. Just admitting she was gone aloud had sapped all his strength. “I know you’ve pulled a hell of a lot of weight around here while I was out after the wreck, but can we bum a couple days at your cabin? If I can take off a couple days, get her away from everything and just talk it out, maybe I can save us. I swear to God, I’ll make it up to you.”
“Whatever you need, man, I’m there. I figure you can pay me back when I find a girl to marry and knock up. Just go. In fact, take the rest of the day off. It’s Saturday and frankly, one of the men are going to accidently on purpose bash your skull with a crowbar if you keep bitching.”
Wade snorted as Mike dug into his pocket and fished out a set of keys. He pried one from the ring and tossed it on the desk.
“The place has been locked up all winter so you’ll need to air it out and ignore the dust. And take bed stuff, food and all that shit but there’s enough wood for the fire to last until August so that shouldn’t be a hassle. Get out of here. Go fix your marriage.”
“I owe you.”
Mike waved him away. Wade left, throwing himself into his truck with a tired curse. Jesus, how the fuck had this gone down the toilet so fast? A niggle at the back of his neck mocked him. It hadn’t been that fast. It started over a year ago. Letting his head fall back to smack against the seat, he sighed.
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