Thorn and I left Trix to gather supplies for our trip, while we journeyed to recruit Nix. We arrived at the goblin town and knocked on Nix’s door. After a few moments, Nix’s mother, Edwinex, ushered us inside her house.
“Well, well,” she welcomed, “if it isn’t Arugohumna and Stephen. It’s nice to see you both again. If you’re after Forscewnix, he’s gone shopping, but he won’t be long. Can I offer you some tea?”
“Thank you, Edwinex,” Thorn replied politely. “That would be lovely.”
Nix’s mother bustled around preparing ingredients, and soon we were the recipients of tea, biscuits and inconsequential social chatter. Once the empty teacups had been returned to their saucers, a pair of twinkling, but very shrewd grey eyes, stared intently at us.
“This is something out of the ordinary, isn’t it?” she somehow divined. “I can see it in your attitudes and hear it in your voices.”
“You’re a very perceptive, um ….. elderly lady,” I praised. “You never cease to amaze me.”
“You young fairies think you know everything,” she chuckled, “but we older folk know a thing or two as well. Now tell me, what’s all this about?”
“Well,” I began, “Thorn, Trix and I stumbled upon an ancient building while we were searching for Trix’s pet, Zenith, and it turned out that it once belonged to a quite ……. nasty race called The Vile.”
Nix’s mother sat bolt upright in her chair with astonishment. “Did you say ‘The Vile’?” she demanded hoarsely.
“You’ve heard of them?” Thorn asked, curiously.
“I wish I hadn’t,” she grunted, settling down again. “You aren’t the only ones with a written tradition, you know. I remember reading about them when I was young. It gave me nightmares for weeks, I can tell you. They almost wiped us out. We were lucky to survive their murderous rampage. Gods above,” she exclaimed, sitting upright once more, “don’t tell me they still exist!”
“No, nothing like that,” I reassured her. “We just found one of their buildings, is all. But the Council of Elders is sending us out to scout around. No one really believes that there are any Vile left.”
“Thank goodness for that,” Nix’s mother decreed, sinking back onto the cushions again. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly at night if I thought there was the faintest chance of those horrible creatures still being alive. Now, let’s talk about something else. The very thought of those ……. animals make me uncomfortable.”
And so we chatted about other unrelated matters for about ten minutes until Nix arrived.
“Hello, hello!” he boomed. “And what do we have here? Mother, how many times have I told you not to let door-to-door salesman into the house? They’re pests. And you’ve fed them too, I see. Don’t you know that’s the worst possible thing you can do! Once they get a taste of food you’ll never get them to leave. And just look at them! I’ve never seen two specimens of the species more scruffy than this pair. Put them in the dustbin immediately!”
“Quiet, you ratbag!” Thorn countered, a huge smile on her face. “When your mother wants her home invaded by rubbish blown in off the street, she’ll put up a notice. In the meantime, do us all a favor and go back to the gutter where you were spawned. Better still, I’ll have your mother bring in an exorcist to rid the place of your smelly influence.”
“Will you listen to those two?” Nix’s mother exclaimed to me in wonder. “What would they be saying to each other if they weren’t friends?”
“They thrive on it,” I assured her, amused by the banter. “Thorn mopes around if she doesn’t get her usual injection of your son’s insults. It’s like a drug to her.”
“They’re both weird,” she stated firmly. “Luckily, we’re sane.”
“Yes,” I agreed, smiling. “Thank goodness for that small mercy.”
After the customary Thorn/Nix libellous greeting ritual had finished, Thorn and I explained our presence. At the mention of The Vile, Nix, like his mother, stiffened in alarm.
“You obviously know what we’re talking about,” I commented, observing his reaction.
“It’s a legend of horror, passed down through the ages,” he explained. “I always imagined it to be a fairy tale.” And then, unable to resist, he glanced slyly at Thorn. “Not that I’m comparing your incomparable fairy tail to my childhood fairy tale,” he smirked.
“What?” Thorn exclaimed, lost in the wordplay. “Stop babbling, you idiot. I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, stop it! This is serious.”
“My apologies,” Nix said, winking at me. Then he grinned cheekily at Thorn. “Some fairies just can’t appreciate a compliment when they hear one,” he sniffed disdainfully. “Anyway, count me in. When do you want to start?”
“We might as well go now,” I shrugged. “Trix is gathering our supplies as we speak. I have to check on my human body, but I’ll be back in an hour or so from that. Then we can go.”
“What are we expecting to find?” Nix asked curiously.
“From what I’ve heard,” I answered, “I don’t expect to find anything. All we’re really doing is setting the Elders’ minds at ease. I certainly don’t want to run into any of The Vile, assuming they still exist. Past histories can exaggerate facts, but even if one tenth of what was written down is true, I have no desire to meet a single one of them.”
“Amen to that,” Nix’s mother fervently agreed.
Chapter 7
Nix, Thorn and I returned to the fairy settlement and I made my way to Phil’s laboratory where I completed the transfer procedure to restore my personality to my human body. After becoming human, I stretched and went to the kitchen for something to eat and drink. I suppose I should qualify that ‘human’ word. Even in fairy form, I still regarded myself as a human. At least, I think I was. It was becoming harder to tell the difference. How much did the physical body characterise the species? While in a fairy clone, could I be classed as a human or as a One? Or both? And did it really matter? I was me, Stephen, regardless of what I looked like. Interesting philosophical conundrum there. Not that I really gave rat’s …… um, bottom. I liked being a fairy as much as I liked being a human, and that should be the end of the story.
I went to the mailbox to check for correspondence and performed a similar, if virtual, operation for emails on my computer. I used the bathroom to perform essential evacuation procedures and then went for a brisk fifteen minute walk around the block for exercise. After all of that, I settled back on my bed and activated the transfer machine, waking as a fully fledged member(s) of the One society. As usual, Thorn and Tracey were waiting to welcome me back with hugs and kisses. Very nice. And one of the reasons I was happy to be a fairy.
We assembled back at the house prior to leaving on our expedition.
“Do we have the faintest idea of where we’re going?” Nix asked. “I’m only asking out of curiosity, you understand. I know we usually stumble around until we find something, but I thought that maybe, this time, for once, we might have some sort of a plan.”
“You think you’re so funny,” Thorn commented, “but you’re not, you know. You might be a big success on the borgulessa comedy circuit, but here, in civilised surroundings, nobody wants to hear your act.”
“Oho, do I detect some jealousy?” Nix explained. “And perhaps a certain, shall we say, romantic interest?”
“Don’t be absurd!” Thorn spluttered indignantly. “Jealous? Romantic interest? Are you out of your mind, you horrible borgulessa? Even if I’d been transformed into a lizard, I still wouldn’t have an interest in you, romantic or otherwise.”
“As that great human playwright once said ….. the lady doth protest too much, methinks …..” Nix proclaimed. “What do you think, Stephen? I’d say that Arugohumna fits that saying quite nicely. I’m sure she’s hiding a deep, underlying passion for me beneath that abusive exterior. I mean, it’s so obvious, isn’t it? Otherwise, why would she go out of her way so often to yell at me? It’s a sig
n of a thwarted infatuation. I just know it.”
“I yell at you because you deserve it,” Thorn snorted. “You’re a sick, twisted individual and you badly need medication. A few hefty blows to the head should suffice. Stay there while I fetch a hammer.”
“Stop acting like a pair of waffling wombats,” I commanded. “We have to put some sort of plan together.”
“Agreed,” Trix said. “But what?”
“Here’s my thoughts,” I announced, pulling out a piece of paper from my backpack and spreading it on the table. “I propose we go back to the cave and use that as a starting point, making it the middle of a circle. There was a Vile building there once, so presumably there used to be a series of connecting dwellings leading to it. We’ll explore each ninety degree quadrant outwards from that spot. That way we’ll be sure to cover everything. Can anybody think of a better way?”
A flurry of shaken heads greeted my question as I folded up the piece of paper. “Okay, troops,” I proposed, “let’s get to it.”
“Can we visit Zenith while we’re there?” Trix asked, wistfully.
“For sure,” I consoled. “After all, he is part of the family.”
“A hairy, smelly part, “ Nix noted, “but a true part for all that.”
“Like you,” Thorn sniggered.
Chapter 8
And so, after saying goodbye to Tracey, we set out. We made good time to the wolf cave and we waited outside while Trix called for Zenith. He bounded out with a joyful bark, his girlfriend shyly following behind. A pleasant reunion then occurred and we all took turns patting both the wolves. Trix then made an elaborate and intense mime show to try and explain to Zenith the nature of our quest. She took him inside the cave, pointed at the Vile ruins, swept her hand around our group and then pointed back to the ruins once again. After several repetitions of this, he appeared to receive the message because he whined in a disconcerting manner and appeared to urge Trix not to go. In response, she cuddled him and stroked his ears.
“We have to,” she whispered. “Now, be a good boy for your Mommy and stay out of trouble.”
It was obvious that Zenith felt dubious about what we were doing because he watched us uneasily as we departed. Trix turned around and gave him a farewell wave and he barked anxiously at her.
“I don’t think he likes the idea of our expedition,” Nix observed.
“I don’t blame him,” I replied. “I’m not looking forward to it either, but it has to be done. The sooner we do it, the sooner we can go home.”
“I’ve just thought of something,” Nix said. “If each of your quadrants takes a full day to explore, then we’ll have to go back to the settlement every day for you to return to your body. That’s going to prolong things, isn’t it?”
“I thought about that,” I answered, “and that’s why I bought along a portable version of the transfer machine. At the end of each day, I’ll use it to zap myself into a human and be back an hour later. In the meantime, I’ll trust you to look after this body for me.”
“Sounds logical,” Nix grunted with approval. “It will certainly speed things up for us.”
“Hey, I’m not just a pretty face, you know,” I said, with a grin.
“And you’re not even that,” Nix answered. “I honestly don’t know what Arugohumna sees in you. Now, I could understand if she was smitten with me! After all, I’m devilishly handsome, charismatic and overwhelmingly sexy. Women swoon whenever I walk down the street and it’s astonishing that Arugohumna hasn’t tried to proposition me yet. But, luckily for her, I’m the patient type. I can wait. Sooner or later, she’s bound to succumb and fall begging at my feet. She won’t be able to help herself. No female can resist me, especially one as morally bankrupt as she is.”
Thorn was struck speechless – a rare condition for her. As conditioned as we were to Nix’s outlandish statements, this one took the cake. I noticed that Trix had her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle a giggle. We all waited for Thorn’s reply which took awhile, because it became apparent she struggled to find phrases virulent enough to counteract Nix’s claims. Finally, not finding anywhere near the appropriate words, she contented herself with poking out her tongue at him and blowing a raspberry. That said it all.
The first quadrant be explored proved to be deserted. Of any Vile structures, I mean. There was animal life aplenty but no discernible ruins. After a full day’s walking, we were pleased to stop and have our meal.
“One down and three to go,” Nix commented.
“That’s amazing,” Thorn declared. “You can count! At least to four, anyway.”
“On my good days,” Nix proclaimed, buffing his fingernails on his shirt front, “I can go as high as eleven. That’s one more than you can, my dear. At least I don’t have to take my shoes off to count up to ten.”
“You wear shoes?” Thorn said pretending to be astonished. “Well, there’s a thing. I never knew that. How do you manage to tell your left shoe from your right? Are the letters ‘L’ and ‘R’ printed on the bottom of them or something?”
“Of course not,” Nix loftily replied. “That’s the usual fairy method. We borgulessa have a much more sophisticated system in place to make sure things work as they should.”
Despite herself, and against all her previous experience, Thorn was inveigled into continuing the conversation by saying, “What system? What do you do?”
“It’s easy,” Nix explained, an evil grin spreading across his face. “We simply watch you fairies putting on your shoes, and then we do the opposite.” This became too much for Trix and she burst out laughing.
“It wasn’t that funny,” Thorn growled. “Okay, maybe a little clever, but that’s all. Don’t encourage him by laughing. It gives the false impression that he’s slightly more than a worthless individual. The best thing for everyone would be if he was culled from the herd. We don’t want his depraved chromosomes tainting the gene pool.”
“Not bad,” Nix grudgingly admitted. “I see that associating with me has sharpened your wits to some degree at least. If you keep going at this rate, Arugohumna, one day people might even think you’re smart. Of course, they’d be totally wrong.”
“I’m smart enough to stay away from you as much as I can,” Thorn retaliated, grinning. “My IQ diminishes by ten points every time I so much as see you.”
“I know,” Nix replied urbanely. “That’s because you’re overcome with lust and your brain stops functioning because of it. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly natural. A lot of women tell me the same thing.”
“Enough!” I interrupted. “I don’t want to spend the rest of the night listening to you two weird wombats. I’ll make a quick trip back to the surface and be back in about half an hour. Look after my body, will you?”
“Of course, my captain,” Nix cheekily replied. “Your wish is my command. We’ll await your return in breathless anticipation. Would you like us to paint your toenails while you’re gone?”
“Just behave yourself,” I sighed wearily, “if that’s at all possible. I won’t be long.”
Chapter 9
I quickly returned to my human body, preformed the now well-rehearsed maintenance routines and hurried back to the underground world. Everything appeared to be normal. Trix was talking to Thorn, while Nix prepared the meal. During these transfers, I always had the irrational fear that I’d wake up in some other reality entirely, where I didn’t recognise anything and nothing existed as it should. Quite understandable, I suppose. Switching bodies wasn’t a normal day-to-day occurrence and the brain might occasionally get a few wires crossed.
I stirred and instantly Thorn focused her attention on me. “Stephen?” she asked.
“Of course it is, you dummy,” Nix snorted. “Who were you expecting?”
“You never know,” Thorn replied. “Frankly, sometimes this whole business of transferring bodies gives me the creeps. Anything could pop in.”
“I’m an ‘anything’ now?” I grumbled, sitting up. “Wel
l, thank you very much!”
Thorn giggled and ran her fingers lovingly through my hair. “You may be an anything, Stephen,” she told me, “but you’re my anything and I wouldn’t trade you for the world. I’m dreadfully lucky, really. Consider the alternatives. You could be a borgulessa, for example. Think of the horror! You wouldn’t be able to sleep for the nightmares.”
“Too true,” Nix agreed. “The only thing worse than that would be if you woke up as a One. Oh gods, you already have! You poor thing, Stephen. Your worst nightmare has come true! And look what’s sitting beside you! How can anything be so hideous?”
“Very funny,” Thorn commented, with a grimace. “Sick, twisted, perverted and disturbing, but nevertheless, slightly humorous.”
“You’re too kind,” Nix replied, giving a slight bow. “I’ll be here all night, doing my act at hourly intervals.”
“May the gods preserve us,” Thorn groaned theatrically. “Thank goodness we’ll all be asleep soon. Maybe we’ll get some peace at last.”
We had our meal and settled down for the night. When I say ‘night’, I’m using purely surface terminology. No ‘night’ as such existed in this underground dimension. The star-like lights embedded in the rocky ceilings shone consistently, and it was up to each species to regulate individual sleeping patterns. As I cuddled Thorn, I vaguely wondered what would happen if the lights ever went out. Surely that time would come sooner or later. If it did happen, maybe everyone would have to come to the surface to live. What a shock that would be to the human race! Thorn interrupted my reverie by drowsily burrowing even further into my embrace and I kissed the top of her head.
“Good night, sweetheart,” I whispered.
“You, too,” she murmured.
“Don’t forget our secret rendezvous later on when Stephen’s asleep,” came Nix’s nearby sibilant comment.
“Shut up, you horrible thing,” Thorn retaliated, “before I squash you like a bug.”
The Vile (6) (The Underground Kingdom) Page 3