by Donna Alam
Both Geoff and Shane look down at my feet as Kai represses a smirk.
‘Is this what you’ve brought back from the war zone, bad language and attitude?’
‘Far out,’ I antagonize in an undertone. ‘People go to Dubai for holidays, not jihad, Geoff. If you were expecting me to come home in a burka, you can see you were wrong.’ I gesture to my undies flamboyantly. I may as well stick out my tongue.
There follows scolding, grievances, and words of complaint. I don’t listen. I can only look at Kai.
‘See ‘ya, Geoff,’ Shane calls over his shoulder as he pushes through the door. ‘No point hanging around now she’s fucked the show-pony over there.’
Kai’s hand almost touches my shoulder before he steps in front, halting Shane’s steps. ‘Fucked? Strange, wasn’t that what you did to your chance with Kate?’
‘What’s it got to do with you?’
‘She came back.’ His answer is frighteningly soft, his body language almost conciliatory and belying the thunderous look on his face. ‘But not for you.’
Shane’s mouth works without sound as he scrambles for an answer. His head swings to mine as though expecting me to butt in. Refute.
‘She’s worth more than you. More than both of us,’ Kai adds.
Shane’s mouth closes with a snap and he stalks to his car. Yanking open the driver’s door, he pauses for his parting shot. ‘Katie—you know what? Fuck you both, I hope you’ll make each other miserable.’
Brakes squeal as he tears down the empty street.
‘What have you done now? Who’s this fella?’ Geoff’s voice cuts through the sound of distant tyres.
‘What have I done? That’s bloody rich.’ I can’t look at Geoff, can’t move my eyes from Kai. ‘Why are you here?’ I ask quietly.
‘Because you left me.’
I curl my toes against the gravel but don’t move despite longing to. ‘What, Sofia not enough? Funny, she seemed pretty much at home on her knees.’
‘Katherine, for goodness’ sakes. Come inside this minute! What will the neighbours think?’ Mum joins the circus. There may as well be a big-top pitched in the front yard. Her fingers clutch the neck of a peony-coloured robe, her head swinging back and forth, the rollers in her hair doing a strange bobble dance. ‘Why is Shane leaving, Geoff? What’s happening?’
‘Listen to your elders for once, girly. That bloke came here to tell you he’s sorry, to beg for another chance. And, if you ask me, he deserves a fair go. A fair bloody crack of the whip.’
I burst into laughter, great big rib jarring guffaws. ‘Whip? D’you think that’d be something he’d be into, Geoff? I dunno, he never struck me as that type before. Struck—ha!’ My ribs ache under the effort as I curl into myself, borderline hysterical.
Geoff pushes past my mum, disappearing into the house amid a cloud of muttered disappointments. My laughter stops immediately, like a flipped switch as I turn to face her.
‘It’s not my fault you didn’t have more kids. Why does he blame me?’
This is the apathy of his parenthood. I’m not his, and I’ve had a lifetime of trying to fit the mould of his picture-perfect, mythical child. I’m done trying to be the pseudo-perfect daughter. The nice girl who always does as she’s told.
‘Katherine!’
‘Don’t, Mum. I love you, but I’ve had it. I’m not living like this anymore. Just go inside or . . . or . . . I’ll streak butt-naked down the street.’ I reach for the hem of my t-shirt and tug.
Craning her head out of the door, she does an uneasy sweep of the street before her eyes alight on mine. ‘Well . . . don’t you stay out here long,’ she admonishes, leaving the door ajar. ‘And put some shorts on.’
‘Alone at last.’ With a hesitant smile, Kai’s gaze returns to mine.
‘Apart from the twitching curtains.’
As a cool morning breeze pebbles my skin, I wrap my arms around myself for warmth and tighten them for restraint; hands shaking under the efforts of not holding them out to him.
‘You’re cold.’ Stepping towards me, he slides his jacket down his arms, but I step away, shaking my head. The last thing I need is to be surrounded by his scent.
The jacket hangs from his hands. He concentrates on it, not me. ‘We need to talk.’
‘Do we?’ Somehow, this sounds more like get fucked.
‘You know we do. Faris had no right to—’
‘To tell me what you refused to?’ Please let it not be, please.
‘That’s neither fair nor true.’ He lifts his head and I can’t help but see the weariness around his eyes. ‘I’ve travelled half way around the world to tell you I didn’t want to hurt you, or involve you.’
‘It’s a bit late for that. Weeks too late.’
‘That’s not what I mean. I didn’t want this to hurt you. I wanted to sort it out before we talked. Please, Kate.’
‘Like I said, too late. And please what?’
‘You look like you’re ready to run again.’
‘Truthfully, I don’t have the energy. I’m just not sure where I belong.’
‘With me, sweetheart.’ He steps towards me and I step back, like this is some choreographed dance.
‘What, I belong shacked up with you while the missus waits at home in Riyadh?’
‘That’s not what I mean. I would never—that’s what I’m here to explain, if you’d just give me the chance. Can I come in? Or can we go somewhere? This isn’t really the place—’
‘I’m not going to your hotel.’ Harsh words; savage delivery. ‘Never again,’ I add vehemently.
‘I haven’t checked in anywhere,’ he replies with a frown. ‘I came straight from the airport.’ He steps towards me, hands hovering over my shoulders. ‘We need to talk.’
My head tells me I should send him on his way. My heart pleads that I hear him out. And my skin, well, it burns under his gaze, screaming for his touch.
‘Wait here.’
I turn to the house, my back stiff under the weight of his gaze. Ignoring my parent’s enquiries and incredulous looks, I grab my shorts from the bedroom floor. I’m unwashed and unkempt, but it’s all I’m prepared to do. But then I pause at the open bathroom door, deciding I’ll brush my teeth. Just in case? I can’t face myself in the mirror as I do.
‘You’ve got no shoes on.’ Mum’s words drift down the hall as I pass by the kitchen.
And Kai’s relief is clear as I open and step from the door.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I direct him to the beach, using words with economy. I don’t ask about his car—a Range Rover—don’t ask him where he’s staying and refuse to look at him. I daren’t turn my head in the close confines of the car, and breathe through my mouth to avoid his masculine scent.
As he parks, I can’t escape quickly enough, almost stumbling from the door.
Kai half jogs to catch up with me as I hurry towards the beach. Lowering myself onto the cold, damp sand, I fix my gaze on the ocean. The surf is like glass, sun sparking electrically from its surface, as surfers idle on their boards, observing time and tide.
Kai lowers himself beside me, mirroring my position and curling his hands around his knees. ‘Why did you leave? Why you didn’t wait to speak to me? Ask me if it’s true?’
I shrug with a detachment I don’t feel. ‘I could’ve asked Sofia, but she had her mouth full.’
‘What?’ he asks, playing confused.
‘It’s impolite to speak with your mouth full, didn’t you know? And at that point, it seemed like only one half of my heartbreak. You were right about your dad, though, if it’s any consolation. Turned out he was the least of my problems, because not only do you have a douchey dad but you’re also getting married and you fuck around. I don’t know where you find the time. Or the strength.’
‘I’m what?’
‘Getting married.’ I place my head on my knees. ‘Fucking Sofia—’
His hand grasps my arm as he turns. ‘Wait just a minute—I know
he told you about Riyadh, but what are you talking about, fucking around? You clearly know nothing about these kinds of marriages.’
‘Don’t Riyadh girls put out?’ I ask savagely, now facing him. ‘Hearing about your marriage was bad enough. I didn’t need to see the blow by blow account.’
‘What the—’
‘Do me a favour, there’s no point lying now. You can’t hurt me anymore than you have.’
‘What are you talking about? I’m not—’
‘Fucking? The beast with two backs? Come on, you with your liking for ancient literature. You should get that. I saw you. It’s no good pretending, and even if the images weren’t burned onto my retinas, there’s still the tiny matter of your impending nuptials that I knew nothing about.’ My chest rises and falls rapidly as I force my next words out on the breath of a laugh. ‘It’s a bit like the chicken and the egg thing, really, isn’t it.’
‘One at a time,’ he growls, grabbing my arm. ‘Let’s deal with this one issue at a time. Firstly, I’m not getting married. I told you very early on, Faris has control issues. I’ve been going to Riyadh on business for quite some time—’
I pull my arm away, insouciant. ‘Really? It wasn’t just from Faris’ mouth, though, was it? Essam’s been throwing out hints. Way before he tried to ram his tongue down my throat.’
His hands grasp my shoulders, forcibly turning me to face him again. ‘Tell me; succinctly. What. The. Fuck. Did he do?’
‘Your cousin seemed to think I was up for it, and with the wrong man. But, hey, that’s the way with you greedy Khalfan men, seems one woman is never enough.’ I try hard to pull from his grasp.
‘I’m not getting married!’ he yells, his fingers tightening as he shakes me by my arms, releasing me just as quickly. His hands go to his head, raking through the strands before he plants his forehead against his knees, his words a sort of pained plea. ‘Tell me, please. What did he do to you? I need to know.’
‘He didn’t . . .’ My hand grasps my neck unconsciously. ‘They pulled him off. Niamh wanted to call the police.’
Kai’s head rises slowly, eyes burning bright as he takes in the bruise. ‘I’ll fucking kill him. I had no idea . . . I don’t know what to say.’
‘You think you hurt me less than he did? In the grand scheme of things—’
‘In the grand scheme of things, you don’t understand. I haven’t deceived you. At least, not like you think.’ I open my mouth, obscenities on the tip of my tongue. ‘Because there is no marriage contract. I extricated myself.’
I shake my head staccato, drawing my knees to my chest. ‘Last minute cold feet? I don’t think I want to hear.’
‘Long before you, I made it clear to him I wasn’t interested. He just affects not to notice, but he’s known all along this wouldn’t work. He was just trying to frighten you off, Kate.’
‘One deception’s as damning as another,’ I mumble, not sure if I believe him, of what to think.
‘What the fuck’s that supposed to mean? Can you stop talking in riddles and tell me what I’m supposed to have done?’
‘Come off it.’ I laugh bitterly. ‘I know what went on, I was there. I came. I saw. I just didn’t stick around to watch you come.’ Suppressed fury rises so quickly, I practically burn. My hands ball in the sand, gripping handfuls so tightly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the grains turn to glass.
‘What? Who did you see? Came where?’
‘Down the back of her throat, by the sounds of things.’
‘I swear, Kate, if you don’t stop talking in riddles—speak fucking English! Please.’
I eye him for a moment, not sure whether to hurl words of fists. Eventually, words win out, the volley hitting the air in a whoosh.
‘I turned up at the hotel early. Caught the whole fucking show.’
I turn my head back to the ocean as my voice begins to crack under the effort.
‘But . . . I wasn’t at the hotel.’
‘Please don’t.’ Wrapping my arms around my knees, I dig my toes into the sand and will myself not to cry.
‘I wasn’t there,’ he replies, voice rising suddenly. ‘But I’m beginning to guess who fucking well was!’ Startled, my head shots up as a look I’ve never seen before dawns darkly cross his face. ‘Tell me what you saw.’
‘Enough.’ Enough to break my heart.
‘Whatever it was—whoever it was—it wasn’t me.’
‘Sofia,’ I yell. ‘I saw you fucking Sofia, or rather I saw you shove your dick in her mouth.’
He growls—it sounds painful, plaintive—a sound I’ve never heard before. ‘You didn’t see me, you probably saw Essam! He said he wanted to fuck her, you heard him! It wasn’t me, I’m not guilty of . . . whatever they were doing.
‘I didn’t get back to Dubai until the early hours and when you weren’t there, I thought you’d gone home. It was late, so I didn’t call. Then next morning your phone wasn’t on!’ His voice rises, desperation filling the tone. ‘Can you imagine how it felt to learn you’d left? Gone? You said you loved me. If that means anything to you at all, I expect, no, I demand the benefit of the doubt. I swear on my mother’s life—’
‘It had to be you,’ I whisper, beginning to shake.
‘It wasn’t,’ he pleads, reaching out. ‘Can’t you see? Think, Kate, don’t Essam and I look at least a little alike? Couldn’t it have been him?’
‘Don’t.’ I hold my hand out in warning, desperate to stay strong, despite the ring of truth in his words. I try hard to ignore the resemblance between the pair—their height, their gait—but facially they aren’t remotely the same. But I didn’t see his face . . .
‘Don’t tell me I can’t touch you.’ Angry and defiant, he rests his hand on my thigh, his touch searing my skin. ‘I swear to you.’ His words, soft and deep, pull at familiar strings. I try to swallow the feelings, to hang onto the hurt. ‘I need you, Kate. I know I’ve fucked up, but not how you think. You have to believe me. You have to want me still.’
I abhor myself for feeling like this, for listening to him. Giving him the chance. Feeding the fire inside, I shake off his hand.
‘I should have realized. It all makes sense now, no wonder you left. I love you, would never hurt you. Please don’t doubt it. I don’t doubt you. Talk to me, please.’
My whole body aches from the force of keeping it together, when all I want to do is unravel. Shatter. Break apart. ‘You asked me to trust you,’ I yell at him. ‘Said you wouldn’t hurt me. Look at me, Kai. Am I vulnerable enough for you now?’
‘I don’t want that kind of vulnerable,’ he murmurs, holding his hand to my face. ‘I thought I could protect you. I am so sorry, Kate. You’re in my heart and in my head. The way I feel about you—I can’t be without you. I won’t. Look at me. I’m vulnerable, I’m raw,’ he cries, his tone rising once more. ‘I came here knowing nothing of this. Ask Rashid. I’ll show you proof of my flight, whatever you want!’
‘Rashid.’ I snort. Like I’d get two words against Kai out of him.
‘Think. Did you actually see me with her? Did my father have anything to offer but words and perhaps some vague hope on his part? I came to tell you I’m sorry for everything. I thought you’d left because of the flat, for what I said about you and Matt. I came to say that I love you . . . that I can’t be without you. That I’d live any fucking place you want, so long as you’d be mine. As long as you’ll marry me.’
Breath leaves my chest in a whoosh. ‘Are you nuts?’ I quickly scramble up from the sand. ‘You’re joking, right? You hate the idea of marriage! You come here spouting crap about your dad engineering this . . . this . . . huge deception, this massive clusterfuck, just for dating you? Then you expect me to believe that wasn’t you in the hotel room? That it wasn’t your dick in her mouth!’
My voice rises, hands in the air like I’d wring his neck if I could only trust myself to be near. In my peripheral vision, I can see dog-walkers staring, joggers slowing their pace just to see what’s th
e go.
Stick around folks, any more lies and I might end him right now.
‘And now?’ I laugh, though not really. It resembles mirth. Manic mirth. The kind that lands you in a padded cell. ‘The man who thinks marriage outdated, is here with a proposal, or is it a merger, Kai? It’s kind of an extreme way for you to just get your hands on my assets again.’
‘Fuck that, fuck him!’ He moves onto his knees in front of me. Our audience must be loving this. ‘I won’t let any of this come between us. And you’re right. I’ve never considered marriage, but I’ve spent the last sixteen hours trying to put myself in your shoes. And you were right before, about hiding. That’s the beauty of this. I shouldn’t have asked you to hide or skulk around, I shouldn’t have offered you an apartment. A part of my time. Marry me, Kate. Let me put this right.’
I’m stunned, my mouth unattractively gaping as I begin to move away. ‘You’ve seriously lost the plot.’ I raise my hands in frustration. ‘You’re nuts!’
Almost jumping to his feet, he takes my hands in his. ‘Think about it. It will take the power from him. Marriage will protect you—’
‘Yeah, that sounds completely sane. Marry me to sort out your dad? Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.’
‘You’re not listening! I love you, want to be with you, and I know you feel the same.’ I dig my heels into the sand trying very hard to pull from his embrace, but he only tightens his hold, drawing me closer, gathering me to his chest. ‘Don’t fight me. The thought of never holding you, never touching you again hurts so much.’ His voice is a low, passionate plea. ‘I’m guilty of a lot of things, but I swear to you upon everything that I hold dear, I would never betray you.’
Something inside unclenches—his words and body, the key to my calm. I relax unintentionally, the knot in my stomach dissolving as he draws my bunched fists down from my chest to my sides, slipping them to the small of my back.
‘When I discovered you’d left, I was so desperate,’ he whispers, ‘I don’t ever want to be without you again. I never understood what marriage meant until faced with losing you. Marry me, Kate, for no other reason than I love you and you love me.’