by Dara Girard
"I can look out for myself."
Janet didn't believe her, but knew nothing she said could change Ramani's mind. She invited her to a meeting at the International Student Association or the ISA as it was sometimes called, which was held every month in the Student Union building. But the meeting had the opposite effect. Ramani distanced herself from Janet even more and slowly became a stranger.
"What are you doing?" Janet demanded when Ramani returned back to the dorm around eleven p.m.
"I'm seeing someone."
Janet paused, realizing the significance. Janet wasn't allowed to date, not even a man in the church, unless the intent of marriage was made public. She also knew that Ramani wasn't allowed to date without her family's approval. "What's his name?"
"Ian."
"He's white?"
Ramani grinned. "You have something against white guys?"
Janet folded her arms.
"He's got a friend and when I showed him your picture, he thought you were cute."
Janet let her arms fall. "I'm not interested."
"I hope you know that men were created for a lot more than sketching," Ramani said, tapping a recent drawing Janet had on her desk.
Janet chewed her bottom lip uncertain. "You really like him?"
"What are you? My father?"
"I hate when you compare me to him."
"Then stop asking so many fucking questions."
Janet sighed not wanting to argue. "If he's important to you I'd like to meet him."
"Fine. Meet us tomorrow for lunch in the Student Union. Let's say twelve-thirty. I'm sure you'll like him as much as I do."
Janet hated him on sight. He had dirty hands and a lecherous glare, greasy hair and clothes that hadn't seen a washing machine in a while. But Janet could have ignored his appearance if he'd treated her friend with more dignity. Instead, he kept squeezing her butt and brushing his hand against her breasts. To Janet's relief he didn't last long. Soon Ramani was seeing someone else. Janet was never formally introduced but she eventually knew more about him than she'd wanted to when she walked in on them one afternoon.
They were both naked in Ramani's bed, humping like rabbits. He was calling her 'Beauty' and she was calling him 'Beast' and the name suited him. He was hairy everywhere. Janet's artistic gaze looked on in wonder. She never knew hair could cover a man's entire backside.
Ramani saw her and waved. "Just give us a few more minutes. Okay?"
Janet backed out of the room and closed the door. She leaned against the wall trying not to imagine what was happening inside. She failed. After ten minutes passed, Janet knocked on the door.
"Just a couple more minutes."
She waited five more minutes then pounded on the door. "Beauty! You're about to deal with an angry Bitch if you don't open this door right now," Janet said surprised by her own words and level of anger. She heard footsteps then the door swung open. Ramani tied the belt of her robe. She clicked her tongue. "Such language. What would your Daddy say?"
Janet pushed past her and set her backpack on her desk. The Beast held out his hand to her. "Hi I'm—"
Janet waved him away. "I'm sure you're a nice guy, but your name doesn't matter."
He kissed Ramani then left.
Ramani shut the door. "You didn't have to be rude."
Janet unzipped her bag.
Ramani walked over to her bed. "Sorry about that. Next time I'll leave a note or something on the door." She rested a hand on her hip. "Don't look at me like that. It's not like I'm pure anymore." She flashed a cynical smile. "I'm soiled goods remember?"
"No, you're not," Janet said thinking about the rape Ramani wouldn't talk about. "I can't say I agree with what you're doing, but at least have some standards."
"I've got standards. Did you see the size of his dick?"
"I don't care how well endowed he is. That's not enough."
Ramani laughed. "Then your standards are too high."
Janet scowled. "That's not what I meant. Ramani, don't do this. I know you're hurting. You need to see a counselor."
"I'm fine. I'm just having fun. I can't help if my fun is different than yours. I don't want to try ice skating. I don't want to go to different restaurants and try different foods."
"You used to."
She shrugged. "Life is to be lived and I'm planning to live it to the fullest."
And she did. She got drunk, had sex, and ate junk food. And as Janet saw the friend she loved slip away from her, her worry increased. Perhaps Ramani was right and she was a prude. What was wrong with tasting the temptations of life? The Amish had their Rumpspringa right? This was Ramani's turn to experiment. To be a little wild. But why did it feel wrong somehow?
"Tell her parents," Marisa Espinoza said when Janet shared her fears with her friends at the ISA. She was also an art student and had green streaks in her dark black hair and a ring in her aquiline nose.
"Do you want her to get killed?" another student said.
"I don't see another choice."
"I say let her be," a third student said with disdain. "She's become one of them. American women are selfish and shameless. They don't care about anyone but themselves. There is no sense of loyalty or duty."
Janet shook her head. "Ramani isn't like that. She's a good caring person."
"Is she thinking about her family's name every time she spreads her legs?"
"It's not like that."
"How many boyfriends has she had this semester alone? Four?"
Janet folded her arms. "She's just confused."
"She's selfish, but she's not alone. Look at the TV. You see women talking about sleeping with other women's husbands without a grain of guilt, of cheating on their own men, of driving drunk with their children in the backseat. If that's freedom they can keep it. My husband knows that if he lays a hand on me, my father and brother will slice him to bits."
Janet wanted to argue, but at that moment the bell rang and they dispersed.
She sat alone feeling miserable, then something fell into her lap. She looked down at the shiny foil packets in her lap.
"If she won't let you help her there's nothing you can do," Marisa said.
Janet held up one of the objects.
"You know what it is, right?"
"Either really flat candy or a condom."
Marisa smiled. "Yes, either way, tell her to use these."
But Ramani only laughed. "Thanks, I've got my own supply. But you could put them to good use."
Janet felt relieved when winter break came. She avoided most of her family's question about dorm life and enjoyed the holidays. Fortunately, when Ramani returned to campus she was more like her old self. She went with Janet to basketball games and paid more attention to her studies. Janet's spirit lifted when Ramani didn't introduce her to a 'special' someone. They laughed as they used to and watched their favorite shows while munching on pizza and popcorn. Ramani's junk food habit hadn't diminished and she gained weight, but Janet didn't say anything because her friend was happy. Janet was certain everything was back to normal. In one night that hope was shattered.
Chapter 3
Janet never suspected anything when her phone rang. She was in the middle of trying to memorize classic artists and their famous works.
"I'm in the stairwell," Ramani said when Janet answered her phone. "I need your help."
Janet found her friend on the second level doubled over in pain. She hurried down the stairs. "What's wrong?"
"I feel so sick," Ramani gasped. "I think it's something I ate."
"Why didn't you take the elevator?"
"It was taking too long."
"Let's go to the health center."
"No, I just want to lie down. Get me to our room."
They had three more floors to go, but Janet knew it was useless mentioning it. She took Ramani's arm. "When we get you upstairs, I'll decide then."
They slowly climbed, Ramani gripping the railing as if it was the only thing to keep
her up right.
"I think you should rest," Janet said.
"I can make it," Ramani replied through gritted teeth. Sweat gleamed on her forehead and her face was flushed, but Janet knew she was determined. When Ramani could no longer stand, she made it the rest of the way by crawling on her knees. Once they reached their floor Janet helped her up and ushered her into the room.
Janet led her over to her bed. She gripped Janet and panted. "No, no I don't want to mess up any of the sheets. Take me to the bathroom."
Janet's concern grew. "I could get you a bucket if you think you'll be sick."
"Please Janet."
"Let me get a doctor," she begged as she pushed open the bathroom door.
"It's the cramps that are killing me." Her nails bit into Janet's arm then relaxed. "Oh. Good. They're going now." She eased down on the toilet seat and rested her head back. She unzipped her coat. "Could you make me a bath?"
"Do you know what you ate? Do you want me to get you some seltzer water or Pepto Bismol?"
"No, I just need to get in a bath."
"Fine," Janet said grateful for something to do. She turned on the water, checked the temperature then put the stopper in. She thought of adding bath bubbles but rejected the idea. As the tub filled she turned to her friend whose eyes were now shut.
"Let me help you with your coat," she said removing it for her.
Ramani looked at her, her hazel eyes bright with tears. "Janet, please forgive me," she said in a choked voice.
"What are you talking about? I don't need to forgive you. Come on. Get undressed. The bath is almost ready." When Ramani didn't move Janet helped her out of her sweatshirt then unbuttoned her blouse. "Have you forgotten it's spring? Why are you wearing so many layers?"
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen," she said in a small voice.
"Of course you didn't. Don't worry." She unbuttoned Ramani's top and tossed it away. She looked at her friend's face then she looked down and froze. She suddenly understood why Ramani had been wearing bulky clothes lately and the weight gain she'd attributed to lots of junk food. She'd come up with a number of reasons, but never this.
Ramani nodded to the bath. "The tub is going to overflow."
Janet snapped out of her paralysis and turned off the faucet. She took a deep breath then turned. This wasn't happening. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Ramani rested a hand on her swollen belly. "What would you have said?"
"I don't know," Janet said, her mind reeling. How could Ramani be pregnant? What would happen now?
Ramani gripped her hands into fists. "Shit, here comes another one."
"Don't tense up like that. You're supposed to breathe."
"What the hell do you know about this?"
"About as much as you do. Getting knocked up doesn't suddenly make you an expert."
Ramani released a breath. "You're right. I'm sorry." She stood and a rush of water fell from between her legs. "Fuck."
Janet forced herself to breathe. It was really happening. Her friend was having a baby. Now. "Your water just broke?"
Ramani pulled off her skirt and panties. "Well, I didn't just wet myself."
Janet stared at the evident swell of her friend's stomach, feeling foolish that she'd never noticed it. "Let me help you into the tub."
Once Ramani was settled Janet got a pillow from her bed and put it behind her head. Ramani sighed with pleasure. "That's better."
"I should call—"
Ramani stretched out her hand to her. "Don't leave me."
"We can have the ambulance here in no time."
"No one can know about this. And I can't bear to do this by myself."
Janet sat on the rim of the tub, resigned. She grabbed Ramani's hand still hoping she would open her eyes and realize it all was a nightmare. "I won't leave you. No matter what happens, I'll never leave you, but we need to—"
Ramani grimaced. "I feel like I have to push."
"Then do it."
She bore down then relaxed and looked up at Janet. "Can you see anything?"
Janet peered down. "Not really."
"Look harder."
"I can't look any harder and don't even think about asking me to put my head under the water."
Ramani held out her hand again. "Get me a face towel."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want anyone to hear me scream."
Janet handed Ramani the towel. She bit into it as she bore down again. She rested her head back and looked hopeful. "Anything?"
"I think I see some hair."
"You're not sure?"
"Check it yourself."
Ramani tentatively felt between her legs. "Yes, that's the head. It'll be over soon."
But it wasn't. Ten minutes later they'd both lost patience. "Why the fuck is this taking so long?"
"I don't know," Janet said worried. "Grip your knees. Yes, that's it. Keep pushing. Something's happening... I see a head."
Ramani closed her eyes exhausted. "Good. Help me get it out."
"It's coming. You're making progress."
Ramani slapped the water with the flat of her hand. "I don't care about progress. I want it out! Be my God damn forceps!"
Janet stripped down to her panties and bra, jumped in the tub and gripped the baby's head. "Why did you have to do this in the tub?" she asked sweat dripping down her forehead.
"I saw a woman do it on TV. She made it look easy."
"You shouldn't believe everything you see on TV."
Ramani laughed then her face changed into a grimace.
"Yes, push, push it's coming!"
"Get it out!"
"Keep going. You're doing great."
"Stop being so cheerful."
"You're doing it. It's almost there."
"It hurts like ahhh..." She bit into her towel, her face red.
"It's out," Janet said as the baby slid into her arms. She lifted the baby out of the water and cleared its mouth with her finger. She turned it over and patted its back until it let out a cry. She said a silent prayer. "It's a girl."
"Shit!"
Janet ignored the outburst. "What are you going to call her?"
"I'm not calling her anything."
Janet handed Ramani the baby. "Rest her against your chest so that she can feel your heartbeat. That will help her stop crying."
"Where are you going?" Ramani asked when Janet climbed out of the tub.
Janet dried herself off with a towel. "I need a shoestring to tie off the umbilical cord. No don't get up. You're not done yet."
"What do you mean?"
"There's the afterbirth."
"How do you know all this stuff?"
Janet winked. "I didn't sleep through Sex Ed and I took First Aid during freshman year."
"I can't believe your father let you go to Sex Ed."
"I forged his signature," Janet said then exited. She grabbed a shoestring from one of her sneakers then looked around for something to wrap the baby in. She snatched a large beach towel off the top shelf in her closet.
"I have something for—" Her words died away when she saw Ramani holding the baby under the water.
Janet dropped everything and yanked the baby away. "Are you crazy?" Janet checked to make sure the baby was still breathing. It was.
"I have to get rid of it."
"No way."
"I have to," Ramani said in a frantic voice. "My life is ruined if anyone finds out. Do you care about this thing more than me?"
"You can't kill her."
Ramani met her eyes. "It's been done before."
Janet stared back. "No."
"Either she dies or I do. You know what will happen."
Janet did, but she didn't want to think about it now. "I'll take care of it."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know."
"You can put her in the dumpster downstairs."
Janet ignored her. She changed then wrapped the baby up tight, emptied out her sport
s bag and put the baby inside. She left without saying goodbye. Luckily Janet knew that an unwanted baby could be dropped off at a hospital—no questions asked. That was exactly what she did.
When she returned an hour later, Ramani didn't ask what she'd done with the baby and Janet didn't tell her. Three weeks later, summer break came and they drove home. "No one can ever know," Ramani said. "Promise me. No matter what happens this will always be our secret."
"I promise."
But secrets were hard to keep in Hamsford.
Chapter 4
Rumors of Ramani's drinking and partying began to surface but one day it reached the boiling point. Janet received a text message on her cell phone (a model so old it still had an antenna) from Ramani's cousin, Darika. Janet rarely received phone or text messages because her father always checked so the sight of it shocked her. Darika's words shocked her even more: Ur n trble. They know.
Janet didn't breathe as she stared down at the message. What did they know?
Seconds later her father barged into her bedroom. He snatched the phone from her hands. "Downstairs! Now!"
When Janet walked into the family room she saw Ramani and her parents. Janet sat next to her friend who avoided her eyes. She looked over at her parents. "What's going on?"
Her question started a firestorm of rage and accusations. Someone had sent a photo of Ramani dancing at a party to her brother and her father had seen it. Janet listened to the shouting inwardly calm—they didn't know about the baby.
"You promised you'd look out for each other," Mr. Barnett said.
"Why did you let her go out? You should have stopped her!" Mr. Malik said.
The accusations and reprimands continued for the next hour until the Maliks left, splitting their families for good. Janet's freedom was gone. A week later Ramani went on a trip to India and was never heard from again.
* * *
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Frederick Durand asked his friend as they looked down over the city of Hamsford. He was unimpressed but tried to be objective.
Jeffrey Farmer nodded with a sense of satisfaction. "Yes, I'm going to finish what my father started. With your help of course."