Maude and Myrtle dealt with the cleaning and cooked meals to coax back Audrey’s appetite but she ate little and seemed unaware of the hours and days as they passed. They didn’t know what to do. They had tried talking to Marged, but Audrey was unwilling for her sister to come into the house — in fact she wouldn’t see anyone, insisting that she needed to face the emptiness on her own before she could allow others back into her life. The truth was partly the need for privacy and partly her unwillingness to impart the news of the lost money.
The sisters didn’t go out either. When Stanley called to invite them to go for a final swim before the weather became too cold Audrey cried, the mention of the beach a harsh reminder of Wilf’s death. Myrtle pushed Stanley away from the door and slammed it shut.
‘I didn’t hurt him,’ he protested angrily through the letter box. ‘It isn’t my fault!’
‘Go away, you’re stupid,’ Maude hissed through the door.
‘Stupid yourself!’ he shouted. ‘Myrtle, open the door, I want to talk to you.’ The door remained closed and he went back and asked Eirlys and Ken why he was treated like the enemy.
‘You aren’t the enemy, Stanley,’ Eirlys comforted. ‘Myrtle is looking after Audrey until she recovers. For a while she is Myrtle’s priority, then everything will go back to normal.’ As she said the words, Eirlys doubted the truth of them. How could Audrey’s life return to normal after a marriage that had followed years of waiting and had ended so soon?
‘I wanted us to go for that swim.’ Stanley grumbled, pushing his brothers without need as he crossed the room. ‘Percival needs more practice or he’ll have forgotten by next summer.’
‘I ain’t going,‘ Percival whimpered. ‘I ’ates the sea.’
‘Rubbish, Percival, you always say that, then have more fun than the rest of us!’ Eirlys said with a laugh.
‘Go to the beach and have your swim,’ Ken coaxed. ‘I’ll stay with the baby and Eirlys can go with you.’
‘I ain’t coming, Stanley. It’s too cold.’ Percival gave a very impressive shiver and looked mournfully at Eirlys.
‘You’re coming, so stop acting like you’re dying and get your dippers!’ Stanley said sternly, pulling him out of his chair and pushing him towards the cupboard.
‘I can’t go, my dippers ain’t here.’ The protest was stopped by Stanley pulling the dark green bathers from a pile of clothes and waving them in front of Percival’s face.
When they had gathered what they needed, they set off. Stanley was, if not cheerful, less miserable than before. Ken slipped a few shillings into Eirlys’s pocket, ‘Chips after their swim and they’ll forget Myrtle’s rudeness.’
‘Thank goodness they’re still young enough for their problems to be sorted by their constant hunger,’ she whispered to Ken as she kissed him before closing the door.
Stanley stared down into the water, fighting his own fears. He imagined falling in and being unable to swim, which was what had happened to Wilf. His heart had weakened and he didn’t have the strength to save himself. If someone hadn’t dived in and hauled him out he would have died right there with all those people about; crowds laughing and fooling about and him dying within their reach. Then there would have been some who would have blamed Percival.
He looked up to where his brother was struggling with his clothes. ‘Come on, you lazy sod,’ he said, helping his young brother to pull his feet out of his trousers. ‘Why don’t you take your boots off first like everyone else?’ Taking a firm hold of his hand, he ran with him and jumped into the waves. He understood why Percival had been reluctant to come and he was the real reason Stanley wanted this swim. He had to kill off the demons that might invade Percival’s mind if he didn’t overlay the tragedy with laughter and fun.
* * *
Audrey began going out for walks, but she went at night, strolling around the dark streets where the blackout was still in force although cars were allowed to display a little more light than in the early years of the war. Shops were in darkness, and not all of the blank windows were due to blackout restrictions. Many businesses had failed since the shortages of so many items and the rationing of others meant there was little to sell.
At a corner near Chapel’s Flowers, she stopped on a few occasions and tried to peer through the windows of the silent premises. She began thinking about a plan she and Wilf had once discussed, but at the time had decided it was too soon for the idea to gel. Although, she mused, perhaps now, while she was stinging with the hurt of his secrecy, was the moment to take the first step? She still had this painful ache inside and her head was filled with a confusion of memories that jostled with resentment and anger. The loss of the large sum of money was puzzling. Wilf should have been quite wealthy, but it wasn’t the money that disturbed her peace of mind, it was the mystery. Until her mind could think calmly about his death and she could face her future knowing she would be forever alone, she would be unable to keep her promise to him. A good promise, one Wilf had asked her to keep because it was right for her, not a selfish promise like the one her mother had forced her make all those years ago when she had been an ashamed and obedient child.
One morning, as she made her way to the shops to buy her ration of corned beef, she met Mrs Denver. Although Lilly had married Sam Edwards, Lilly’s daughter had been fathered by Mrs Denver’s son who had died in battle. Lilly had kept in touch with the child’s grandmother and Mrs Denver was grateful. Not wanting to talk, Audrey tried to avoid her but she couldn’t ignore her cheerful greeting.
‘I’ve just been to see your Lilly.’ she told Audrey. ‘Lovely child and Lilly cares for her so well.‘ She paused then, remembering the news of Wilf’s death. ‘Sorry I am about your dear husband. I hope you find plenty to fill your time, it helps, doesn’t it, to be busy?’
‘Thank you, yes. Once I gather my thoughts I’ll find a way of occupying myself.’ Tears threatened and at once Mrs Denver was sympathetic. ‘At least you won’t have money troubles. I was left with a little boy and no money. No husband, really, if the truths known. We never married.’ She chattered on, allowing Audrey time to recover. ‘Cooking saved me. I’ve always loved cooking and I found jobs cooking for cafés. Apple turnovers were my specials. Then there were my lodgers. Maldwyn, him at Chapel’s Flower shop, and poor Vera, they were the most recent. Don’t worry, Mrs Thomas, dear. Something will turn up for you. Although,’ she added, ‘sometimes you have to do a bit of searching — it doesn’t always come to you, you have to find it.’
* * *
Summer 1943 drifted to its close, and as the crowds stayed away the beach returned to its quiet winter mood. With the season at an end, Maude and Myrtle were looking for work. It had to be something temporary as they wanted to return to the beach again in the spring.
‘What about that night school course?’ Hetty said to Myrtle when Myrtle applied for a job in the children’s home where she had worked before. ‘You’ll still enrol for that, won’t you?’
‘I’ll be working shifts so I don’t know whether I can,’ she said. She wanted to go, there was a pleasure in dealing with numbers that she couldn’t explain: precision, no doubts, no halfway between what was correct and what was wrong. But Maude had discouraged her, convinced her she would be humiliated and teased once her lack of education was revealed.
‘I want to go as well,’ Audrey said when she explained her fears. She counted in her head before adding, ‘It’s more than thirty-eight years since I went to school, you can’t be more embarrassed in front of the other students than me!’
Bleddyn and Hetty had tried to persuade Maude to take shorthand and typing lessons but she had declined. Office work did not appeal and when would she need to type?
‘Myrtle and I missed our chances and it’s too late,’ she insisted.
‘Only if you want it to be,’ Hetty coaxed.
With her sister’s warnings of disillusionment ringing in her ears, Myrtle went to enrol with Audrey. Both booked to take a course in accountancy
and business. Maude looked at the list of courses on offer and decided there was nothing to suit her.
It was as they were walking home from their first lesson that Audrey told Myrtle of her plan, swearing her to complete secrecy. The idea she imparted, plus the secrecy, seemed to lift Audrey’s spirits. The studying, now with a legitimate purpose in mind, added to her enjoyment. Slowly, she began going out and picking up the threads of her life.
Marged crossed her fingers and hoped that after a winter to grieve, her sister would return to supporting the family business by doing the laundry and housekeeping once the summer of 1944 began. Besides Audrey herself, only Myrtle knew this was not going to happen and she said nothing.
* * *
Beth left the market café one afternoon, as the day closed in for a cold clear night. The stars were bright in the sky, the air was chill but clean and refreshing, and as she cycled along the lanes toward Bernard Gregory’s smallholding she felt at peace. If only Peter were home the day would be a perfect one.
When she saw two figures standing near the front gate her heart leapt — for a moment, she thought the soldier standing there was in fact her husband. There was a fleeting moment when she believed her wishes and thoughts had been realized because she had sensed he was near. Her feet pressed hard on the pedals, the wheels crackled over the gravelly surface as she increased her speed, but as she realized the man was not tall enough and was too heavily built to be Peter, the pedals became stationary as her joy died and the wheels freewheeled and slowed.
‘Hello Beth, remember Reggie?’ Mr Gregory called as she dismounted. ‘He’s in the army and with a few days leave he managed to call and see us, isn’t that nice?’
‘Reggie, how are you?’ Beth hid her disappointment well. adding, ‘Can you stay for something to eat? I made a casserole this morning and there’s plenty for an extra person.’
‘Thank you, I’d like that. Mr Gregory’s been showing me the fields. The fresh ground has done well for a first year, hasn’t it?’ Leaving the men discussing the crops Beth went into the kitchen and prepared the food. She wondered whether or not to mention Maude, but decided it best if they ate first. It might make Reggie feel uncomfortable and spoil the meal.
The decision was taken out of her hands. A knock at the door as she was setting out the plates was answered by Bernard, and Maude stood there.
‘Mr Gregory, I’ve been wondering if you have a vacancy for an unqualified but willing worker this winter,’ she said.
‘Hello, Maude,’ he said unnecessarily loudly. ‘You’d better come in.’
‘Hello, Maude.’ Reggie said.
Leaving them together, Bernard scuttled into the kitchen to assist Beth. ‘Better make that four plates,’ he said, showing firmly crossed fingers.
There had been a small deception. Maude had received a letter from Reggie in which he told her he planned to be there. Being left alone for a little while, they began to revive a promising friendship. Talking fast, they told each other their news, snatching a few kisses, always with a wary ear listening to the activities in the kitchen. They were rosy-faced and their eyes were glowing when Beth and Bernard rejoined them.
* * *
Audrey and Marged were still saying very little to each other and it seemed impossible to imagine things would ever return to their once close working partnership. Marged confided in Huw her fears that the estrangement, whatever its cause, was becoming harder to heal.
‘I know it’s six months before we need to think about the new season, but the weeks fly past and if Audrey and I don’t start talking soon, I’ll have to find a way of dealing with it without her help once again. This year was hard and I don’t know whether I could cope with another one like it.’
‘I know, Marged. Even someone as insensitive as me could see you were exhausted. You can’t manage another year without reliable help. Best if you get something sorted just in case, but say nothing. Then if she doesn’t want to help, you won’t be left without anyone. You can’t leave it and end up doing it all yourself, in the hope she’ll suddenly change her mind.’
‘Perhaps if I asked her?’
‘Best you wait, Marged.’ Huw knew how easily Marged could say the wrong thing and start an argument. ‘There’s plenty of time. Give Audrey a chance to think about it. I’m sure she’ll want to go back to how things were before Wilf’s illness changed things, but if you push her too soon she might think we’re insensitive, and refuse.’
Marged nodded, but as soon as Huw left to work in the chip shop with his brother, she called to see Audrey. She was in a gentle mood, concern for her sister giving her an air of compassion. But Audrey’s first words changed that to irritation.
‘Before you say anything, Marged, I’m not going back to working on the beach next summer.’
‘I only called to see how you are!’
‘I’m fine, but I still don’t intend to deal with the housekeeping.’
‘How can you say that? It’s months away. How can you know how you’ll feel next spring?’
‘Why not? You know how you’ll feel.’
‘Yes, I’ll feel duty bound to help in the family business!’ Too late Marged wished she had kept her voice calm.
‘I’ve had a lifetime of duty. I’m ready for something different. Plans Wilf and I were making. I’m starting something new.’
‘At your age? Don’t talk daft, Audrey. Past fifty you are, how can you think of starting anything? What are you talking about?’
‘Something for myself. Something that doesn’t involve my being at your beck and call.’
‘All right, we can work out other ways for you to help. You don’t have to do the washing and the cooking. What about the café? You and I could do that between us without having to employ more than a part-time assistant. Maude and Myrtle can help on the sands and in the shop and we can manage the cooking between us, we’ll manage fine.’ She looked away and admitted. ‘I’m desperate, our Audrey, this summer was hard and I’d be so glad if you’d help us like you always have.’
Audrey softened and guilt made her stomach churn, but she strengthened her will and refused. ‘Get some help arranged as soon as you can. Don’t expect everyone to feel as strongly about the business as you do,’ she advised. ‘You shouldn’t depend on anyone anymore. People have to make up their own minds.’
‘That’s rot. We’ve always managed and until the boys come back and everything settles down again, we all have to do what we can.’
‘No, Marged. You can manage without me, and anyone else who refuses to help. There are people out there who’d love working on the sands and you have to find them. If Wilf had lived, I’d have been looking after him but as he isn’t alive anymore, I’m going to look after myself.’
‘But what will you do? You can’t sit in a chair and do nothing for the rest of your life. You’re only fifty-one, Audrey, not ninety!’
‘First I’m too old and now I’m too young, what an awkward age fifty-one has turned out to be!’
Marged didn’t stay long. There was a gleam in Audrey’s eyes that observed her with something suspiciously like humour as she struggled to persuade her sister of her family duty, and Marged knew that if she didn’t leave she would lose her temper and say more than she should.
‘I don’t know what’s got into you,’ was her parting shot. ‘You’re acting like a child!’
Audrey took out the estate agent’s leaflet she had been studying before her sister’s visit and began to make notes in the margin.
Maude came in an hour later and with her was Reggie Probert.
‘Do you mind my coming in?’ Reggie asked apologetically. ‘After what my brother did I’d understand if you didn’t want to see me.’
‘We can’t be responsible for our family, Reggie,’ she assured him. ‘We have to follow our own path and try to be understanding about how others follow theirs.’
Reggie had a late train to catch but after sharing a hot drink and a few biscuits, he and Maud
e stayed on the doorstep and talked for a while, then she walked with him to the corner. He took out a piece of paper, made her kiss it and added his own kiss on top. It was there that Marged saw them.
‘Was that the man who stole from Audrey?’ she asked, as Reggie waved and ran towards the station.
‘No, Auntie Marged, it was his brother, you know, Reggie, who worked for Mr Gregory.’
‘I hope you told him to stay away.’
‘Oh yes, of course I did,’ Maude lied with a smile.
* * *
Audrey searched through Wilf’s papers in an effort to find out what had gone wrong and caused him to lose so much money. His mother’s house had been sold and the money should have been in their building society account. All that was left was money she had saved and some left to her by her mother. Distressed by the mystery, and after going through everything once more, she went to the cemetery to grieve all over again. She stood for a long time beside the small grave of their son, who had been born and died in November the same year, then reminded herself that whereas grief was normal, excessive grief was nothing more than an indulgence, or self-pity, something Wilf would not have liked to see. She had to do something, talking about it to Myrtle was not enough. Mrs Denver’s words echoed as she stood there, reminding her that solutions didn’t always come, they had to be searched for.
Leaving the quiet cemetery, she called at the estate agents and asked to see a property that had once, a long time ago, been a café where shoppers had paused between their shopping and their bus ride home, to drink tea and share some gossip. It was next to Elliot’s fashion emporium, not far from Chapel’s Flowers. It was a corner site, and inside several large mirrors were fixed to the walls, which were decorated with worn and poorly hung yellow wallpaper.
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