by Anne Bogel
Words of Affirmation
People with the primary language of words of affirmation want to hear you speak your love through compliments and appreciative words. It’s not enough to show them you love them with your actions; they need to hear it spoken.
Words are incredibly important to someone with this primary love language. Imagine a realtor’s focus on “location, location, location.” For a person who needs words of affirmation, it’s all about “words, words, words.” These people love compliments, thoughtful notes, and encouraging texts. Kindness is universally important; these people crave it—and appreciate it—most of all. They need to be sincerely thanked for what they do, and they need to regularly hear the actual words I love you.
Quality Time
People with the primary love language of quality time best understand love in the form of undivided attention. The emphasis here is on quality. Not all time spent together is quality time. This doesn’t typically mean a side-by-side Netflix binge. Quality time people are big on quality conversation, which involves sharing thoughts and feelings. They need more than to just talk about something; they need to talk about how you feel about something.
People with this primary love language often put a high value on doing quality activities together. That may be a long walk, a Saturday canoe trip, a weekend getaway, or even a basement clean-out day. Chapman calls this yearning for shared quality activities a “dialect” of quality time.
When Will and I started dating, we loved to run errands together. We still do, really, and when you find that special someone who makes the DMV tolerable, you don’t let them go. Unsurprisingly, we’re both big on quality time.
Giving and Receiving Gifts
People with the primary love language of receiving gifts appreciate tangible, physical symbols of love. They want something they can hold in their hands, a touchable symbol of love.
Some symbols of love are obvious—a wedding ring, an anniversary bracelet, tickets for courtside seats. But inexpensive gifts can be symbols of love—ticket stubs from your first date, a dandelion in the fist of a child, a handwritten card. The last time my husband flew to Seattle for work he brought me back a pound of coffee from my favorite Seattle coffee shop. It wasn’t expensive, but it showed me he knows me, he knows what I like, and he was thinking of me even though he was three thousand miles away.
Sometimes the most important gift you can give is the gift of your physical presence, especially during a time of need. This could mean picking up a pizza on the way home or watching a show you’re not particularly interested in, just because your loved one asked you to.
Acts of Service
For people with the primary love language of acts of service, talk is cheap; they want to see your love in action. They appreciate it when someone does things for them out of love. This could involve a million different acts—mowing the grass, cooking dinner, phoning the appliance repairman. It may mean a spouse takes care of the duties their partner dreads, just because they know their partner truly appreciates it.
However, this doesn’t mean being a doormat or a martyr. For someone whose primary love language is acts of service, these acts must not be done out of obligation, guilt, or fear. Instead, they must be done as expressions of love to rank as deposits in their emotional bank account.
Physical Touch
Physical touch doesn’t mean only what you think it means. (Many men make the mistake of thinking physical touch is their primary love language because of the sex thing, but Chapman makes clear that’s only one aspect of it.) People with this primary love language feel connected through physical contact. Sex is one component of physical touch, obviously, but simple things like putting your hand on their arm to tell them something important, a brief hug or kiss when you say hello or goodbye, or sitting close to each other on the couch when you’re watching a movie are also important to those with this primary love language.
These people often have a tactile nature and appreciate things with pleasant textures, such as cozy blankets, or tangible communication, such as handwritten notes instead of texts or emails.
Not Just for Grown-Ups
The love languages aren’t just for grown-ups, either. At every age, each of us needs to know we are loved. We also need to experience that love. This is a foundational, universal human need. While the core five love languages are the same for children as for adults, the way those languages are used is different in children. (We’ll talk more about this later.)
When you learn to speak your child’s language, your relationship will be stronger, more relaxed, and more enjoyable.
Can Your Primary Love Language Change?
Chapman believes a person’s primary love language usually stays stable over the years. But different languages can temporarily take priority in different seasons. For example, I usually cook dinner for my family and mostly enjoy doing it. But even though Will and I both are usually quality time people, while I was writing this book and my time was limited, he cooked dinner many nights, not because he particularly enjoyed the cooking but as an act of service for me.
He scheduled the appointment to repair the dishwasher and stopped at the grocery store on his way home from work. He didn’t offer these acts of service because I said, “I’m too busy and don’t have time,” although that did happen sometimes. He knew I was swamped and asked how he could lighten my load.
While examples like these may make it appear that our love languages change over time, Chapman believes these are not permanent changes but temporary shifts due to circumstances.
Putting This Information to Work in Your Own Life
Once you understand the five love languages, you will probably recognize your primary language. But if your primary language is not immediately clear to you, ask yourself, When I need to feel loved, what do I ask for? Do I request a back rub, for my spouse to make dinner, for a friend to run an errand for me, or for a loved one to tell me why they love me?
When trying to pinpoint your language, pay attention to how you express love. We tend to express love in the way we wish to receive it. It’s human nature to do for others what we would like done for us in return. When you are deliberately, consciously seeking to show your love for another person, does it involve spending quality time together or physically touching or giving a gift? If so, there’s a good chance that’s your primary love language.
It’s harder to identify others’ love languages. To figure it out, pay attention to how they express love to you and to others. When they want to do something kind for someone else, what form does it take? This may be an indicator of their primary love languages.
It’s helpful to spend some time thinking about your love language and the love languages of your loved ones. However, there’s no need to get obsessive. For one, Chapman believes we can be bilingual. Second, the biggest danger of the love languages is being totally blind to their existence and importance because of the misunderstandings and hurt that can result. If you’ve spent time reflecting thoughtfully, the blind spot isn’t so blind anymore.
When Two People Don’t Speak the Same Language
What happens when two people who love each other don’t speak the same language? It might look something like this. Imagine Will and I have a free Saturday afternoon. I want to do something really nice for him to make him feel loved and appreciated, so I plan to mow the grass, mulch the flower beds, and make our yard look amazing. (If you spotted acts of service at work, kudos for paying attention. I hate yard work, and acts of service isn’t really Will’s love language, but work with me.)
But Will has different plans. He wants to brew two cups of coffee, get out that list of things we’ve been meaning to talk about, and take a long walk. (This plan has quality time written all over it.)
You can see the conflict brewing, right? It would be so easy for one—or both—of us to get our feelings hurt by dinnertime. I want to show him I love him by doing the pesky yard work, but Will just doesn’t care all th
at much. He’s not going to appreciate my efforts. Even worse, he’s going to feel as though I prioritized yard work—which he knows I don’t even like!—over spending time with him. (To his way of thinking, I would have done the opposite if I had wanted to show him I loved him.)
Speaking Your Child’s Love Language
For a child to be emotionally healthy, they need to know, without a doubt, that they are loved. Without this assurance, they cannot feel safe and secure. This is where the love languages come in. While it’s beneficial for a child to receive love in all five languages, their primary language identifies how they best understand a parent’s love.
Chapman says it’s impossible to discover a child’s primary love language prior to age five—don’t even try. During this stage, and at any stage when you’re in doubt as to your child’s primary love language, strive to speak all five languages fluently, expressing your love in myriad ways. (If you’re not sure how to best demonstrate love or appreciation, this is not a bad strategy for any age or setting—shower your people with all five until you figure out which means the most to them.)
Here’s a quick peek at what the love languages look like in action for children.
Words of Affirmation and the Child
Words are always a powerful way to communicate love. The emotional tanks of children whose primary love language is words of affirmation cannot stay full without receiving words of affirmation from their parents. Don’t even think about saying you’re just not expressive. For your child’s emotional health, you need to learn how to use your words.
The right kind of praise is extremely important, and much has been written on this (apart from the love languages). To children, the volume you use and the manner in which you say something matter a great deal.
Especially in regard to children, it’s important to remember the flip side of the love languages. Cutting words always have the potential to be detrimental, but they will be more so to a child whose primary love language is words of affirmation.
Children with this love language appreciate hearing “I love you,” of course, but they also need a sincere thank-you for a job well done, a Post-it in their lunch box with a kind note written on it, or a phone call to say you’re thinking of them.
Quality Time and the Child
Children with quality time as their primary love language crave their parents’ undivided attention. They need to feel their presence is personally important to you.
I have one daughter who, more than my other kids, seeks quality time from the people she loves. She enjoys and invites one-on-one time by asking to read a story with me or taking a walk with my dad or running an errand with my husband. Her requests often include the key phrase “just you and me.” As in, “Mom, can we have a tea party, just you and me?”
Giving your child quality time might mean playing a game together, going out for ice cream, or watching their soccer game. It may involve sitting on the living room rug playing trucks or having a competition to see who can make the biggest cannonball splash in the pool. It may mean regular family mealtimes or a special bedtime ritual. Other family rituals can be great, such as paddleboarding (something we do as a family on vacation) or hiking or eating pizza on Friday nights. In families with multiple children, it may mean making space for one-on-one time, whether it’s just for a few minutes or for an afternoon out.
I know a family with twelve children, and the parents say it’s difficult to get quality one-on-one time with each of their kids because there are so many of them. The dad once told me he always grabs just one child to bring along when he runs to the grocery store or the bank or the Home Depot, because they can have great one-on-one conversations in the car.
Gifts and the Child
The love language of gifts has little to do with money and everything to do with love. Children whose primary love language is receiving gifts get their emotional needs met when they receive physical, tangible expressions of love. These gifts are an important symbol to these children.
Keep in mind that there’s a big difference between expressing love and spoiling a child. And if gift-giving is abused, children can recognize when they’re receiving gifts not as expressions of love but as substitutes for love.
Children with this primary love language even appreciate the kinds of gifts that don’t have to be bought—a postcard from your vacation spot, an interesting pebble you found on a walk, or a handwritten note or letter. These children especially value when you serve them food on a special plate, take extra effort to make a pretty snack, or pack something special just for them when you set off for that road trip or are even just out running errands for a long time.
Acts of Service and the Child
Parenting means serving. Parents do stuff for their kids all the time. They provide food, shelter, clothing—and are expected to do so. They cook, they clean, they run carpool, and they do laundry. Parenting babies and toddlers can feel like nonstop acts of service.
Understanding this love language gets complicated because so much of parenting is service. When it comes to the love language of service, we’re talking about the kind of service that is a gift, given deliberately as a purposeful expression of love—not out of duty, necessity, or obligation. These acts of service aren’t given because we have to, and they’re definitely not for the purpose of behavior modification (as in, “Get an A on that test, and I’ll take you out for ice cream”).
Most children will be emotionally impacted by acts of service done freely out of love for them. But for children with this primary love language, these acts of service are how they most deeply feel loved. This means serving your kids when you don’t have to and in a way that matters to your child. When I was in high school, I was overcome with the notion that I needed to make my bedroom more sophisticated. My parents not only let me repaint my room from pale blue to a deep brick red, but they also helped me choose the precise color. My mom drove me to the store to pick out a new grown-up comforter. I think she paid for it too, but what I most remember years later is the time and effort she put into helping me complete my special project.
If your child’s primary love language is acts of service, you can also express your love by doting on them when they are sick, making them a special breakfast every once in a while, helping them get ready (without berating them!) when they oversleep, or helping them find their favorite teddy bear (or for older kids, their car keys).
Of course, doing your kid’s laundry can be an act of service, but so can teaching them to do it themselves (especially if they’re headed off to college soon) or showing them how to wash the car. You’re teaching them essential life skills, which is both the job of a parent and an act of love, especially if you’re doing it not just because you want to get them off your back but because you want them to be properly equipped for the real world.
Physical Touch and the Child
All children need to be touched—and often. This doesn’t mean only “affectionate” touch—hugs, cuddles, and kisses. Throughout the childhood years, much physical touch comes through playing games: tickle fights, wrestling, high fives, fist bumps. Touch is especially important to kids who have this as their primary love language.
Incorporating physical touch into everyday life can be simple: a high five when you pass in the hallway and warm greetings and goodbyes, including a hug, a kiss, or just a pat on the shoulder. Group hugs among family members are a good way to incorporate physical touch and something that teenagers may not be as resistant to. At my house, we smush our kids into group hugs, making “Silas sandwiches” or “Sarah tacos.” They’ll probably reach an age when they’re not okay with this anymore, but we’re not there yet.
Speaking the Languages of Appreciation outside the Home
The love languages aren’t confined to family life.
Everyone wants to feel as though the work they do matters, whether it’s the kind of work that builds a career, brings home a paycheck, involves volunteering, or means running e
rrands on a Tuesday afternoon. And we feel like what we do matters when other people appreciate it—and us. We need to feel appreciation to enjoy our work, to give it our best effort, and to keep it up for the long term.
But what makes one person feel appreciated might not make another person feel the same way. We tend not to hear or notice this appreciation unless it’s expressed in a way we can truly understand.
Because talking about love languages at your tech company could be weird or uncomfortable, in work settings, Chapman calls the love languages the “languages of appreciation.”3 At work, we all need to know intellectually that we’re appreciated—and we also need to feel it. It’s not just about feeling warm and fuzzy; feeling appreciated boosts job satisfaction and improves the overall quality of relationships in the workplace and between coworkers. Reflecting on these languages helps us to be self-aware, proactive, and kind. Even if nobody else understands the languages of appreciation you’re trying to speak, your own experience will improve as you shift your focus toward appreciation for what others are doing well.
Being sensitive to the languages of others can be a huge help in the work we’re doing, whether that work is paid, in a committee meeting, or in a neighborhood. On garbage day, my retired neighbor faithfully drags the garbage cans from the curb back to where they belong for all the parents of young children on our street. That’s appreciation in action.
Years ago, I supervised someone who was in the midst of a personal crisis. She was exhausted and distracted, and her work was suffering. We were reviewing yet another project she’d done that was rife with critical errors when she stopped me and said she had an odd request. “I know I’m not doing great work right now, and it’s killing me,” she said. “But could you please tell me when I actually do something well? I know it sounds strange—especially now—but it’s really important to me.”
Her language of appreciation was words of encouragement, so I immediately shifted my focus to what she was doing correctly and started telling her whenever I spotted her doing something well. Since that time, I’ve made it a habit to notice and appreciate—out loud—what the people I work with are doing correctly. Whether their primary love language is words of affirmation doesn’t matter. It certainly can’t hurt to affirm their good work, and it’s great for my outlook to focus on the positive instead of only calling out people for messing up.