He stopped talking, but she waited.
“After I left, Aleks quit hockey. I came home once and kicked his ass, and he started playing again. He was determined to prove something…because I’d gotten a scholarship, and because we came from such a shitty background. He was hungry and desperate, and he was always the one who fought.”
“Ugh. I don’t like the fighting.”
He gave a barely perceptible nod. “He’d been hit in the head so many times, had a bunch of concussions. Not just from fighting, but mostly. And then our parents died.”
“Oh no.”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “A few months after Aleks got drafted. We both got drafted by the same team, a couple of years apart, which was amazing and cool. We went from the high of him being drafted and a whole new future for our family to him being down in the dumps. He took a hard hit and got another concussion, and this time it didn’t get better. The symptoms lingered for months…headaches, dizziness, fatigue. He couldn’t play for a long time, and it really got to him.” He looked down at his tequila. “I was glad we were playing for the same team, so I could keep an eye on him.”
She nodded, again not surprised by this, from what she knew of Nick.
“He had ups and downs, but the downs were so bad I got scared sometimes. Sometimes I was terrified because I didn’t know what to do, other than tell him I was there for him. This went on for years. I tried to convince him to get some professional help, but of course, big, tough, proud hockey player—he wouldn’t. We’re men…we’re supposed to be strong and handle our own problems. Even now, there’s still a stigma about mental health issues, although I’ve been working on that.”
Her imagination and intuition filled in some of the blanks of his story…how hard it must have been for him, trying to maintain his own demanding hockey career while desperately trying to help his little brother.
“He got back to playing, but he was still depressed. I talked to our coach and told him what was going on, and everyone on the team was really good. They were there for him. There were times he’d go off the radar though. Once he was out with a groin strain and I was trying to get hold of him and I couldn’t. The team couldn’t reach him either. We were on a road trip, and I ended up flying home to Chicago between games. I was so fucking terrified of what I was going to find.”
“I’m sorry.” Her heart squeezed.
“But he was fine. That time. I bought this house because it had the coach house out back. I wanted him to move in there. It would be his own place, but he’d be close and I could keep an eye on him. But he kept saying no.” He blew out a breath. “We bought a place in Georgian Bay, back home in Ontario. It’s beautiful there. We spent his last summer there, hanging out and fishing, and some of the guys came and stayed with us. I have great memories of that summer.”
“That’s good. I’m glad you have that.”
He nodded. “He started the season okay, and I thought things were better. It had been a while since he’d been really bad. Even so, I never used to turn off my phone, because I didn’t know when I’d get a call in the middle of the night because he was struggling. Then he relapsed. Couldn’t play again. We were on a road trip, and I don’t know why, but that night I turned off my phone.”
She made a soft sound of distress in her throat. “He called you?”
“Yeah. Left a message.” His voice thickened. “He was messed up. Fuck.” He squeezed his eyes shut and tipped his head back, and she saw the hints of moisture at the corners of his eyes. Her heart ached and her stomach tightened to the point of pain. “He killed himself that night.”
She’d known this was coming, somehow, since he’d started telling the story. Her eyes stung and her own throat closed up, hurting for him.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for that. What if my phone had been on? What if I’d talked to him?” He choked out the words and without conscious thought, she moved even closer, now her face against his chest, her arms around him…and his around her, his tequila glass abandoned on the table. He was solid and hot against her, but she could feel a fine trembling in his big body. His arms banded around her, and it felt so good, not just physically, but emotionally. She was glad to give him the tiniest bit of comfort by being here, listening to him, hugging him back.
“Of course, I went through everything in my head—over and over—every text, every conversation we’d had.” He cleared his throat. “Could I have done something different? Did I miss something? Was he putting on an act of feeling okay when he really wasn’t? I know there were times he felt like a burden on me, and it gutted me to think that was why he’d ended his life.”
“It sounds like he battled a lot of things,” Jodie said. “Maybe he just got tired of it.”
For a moment he said nothing, just hugged her tighter, his hand in her hair. Finally, he said, “Yeah. Maybe you’re right.” He pressed his lips to her forehead. “Thank you.” She felt some of the tension ease out of his body.
His words had relief shimmering through her. She’d been so afraid that when he was done telling this painful story he’d be angry at her because of it, knowing how private he was. “Thank you for telling me. Sometimes just talking about things helps.”
“Yeah.” He eased her away from him just enough that he could meet her eyes with a rueful smile. “I guess I should know better than to keep shit all bottled up inside me, huh?”
“Yes, you should.” She paused. “Do you think you’ve been depressed too?”
The corners of his lips turned down, but he gave her question serious consideration rather than dismissing it. “I’ve thought about it. I don’t think so. Yeah, I’ve been grouchy lately, but at this time of year I start thinking a lot about Aleks and I just…kind of like to wallow in it. I think I’m sort of punishing myself.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“That doesn’t stop me from feeling responsible. Guilty. Like I don’t deserve the success I’m having. He deserved it more than I do. So I just want to beat myself up for a few weeks. Then I’ll get back to normal.”
“I don’t like that. But I get it.” She nibbled her bottom lip. “Do you want to be alone?”
He regarded her with slightly bleary eyes, then said, “No. Actually, I don’t. But I don’t want to talk anymore.”
Er…what did that mean? What did he want to do?
He picked up the remote. “Want to watch a movie with me? This was Aleks’s favorite.”
She let out her breath. “Sure.” She shifted so she was beside him facing the TV, his arm still around her, and they watched The Big Lebowski.
Chapter 15
Halfway through the movie, Nick’s doorbell rang. He frowned and glanced at Jodie.
She made a face and pushed up on the sofa. “It could be Kendra and Zyana home early.”
He paused the movie, and they went downstairs to find Hallsy at his front door. Nick heaved a sigh and opened the door. “I’m fine.”
Hallsy looked at Jodie, then back at him. “Why didn’t you answer my texts?”
“I did. The first one, anyway. I told you I’m fine.”
“Look, I know what day it is. Thought you might want some company drinking tequila.”
Nick huffed a laugh and shook his head. “You’re just after my Gran Patrón Piedra.”
Hallsy’s lips quirked. “It is good stuff.”
“I, uh, should go,” Jodie said.
Nick didn’t want her to go. But he couldn’t say that in front of Hallsy.
“Am I interrupting something?” Hallsy asked, looking back and forth between them.
Yeah. “We were watching a movie.” Nick looked at Jodie. “You can stay and watch the rest of it.”
“That’s okay. You can have some guy time.”
They all hiked into the kitchen where Nick poured another gla
ss of tequila for Hallsy. “Go on up,” he told him. “I’ll see Jodie out.”
Jodie picked up her jacket from the stool where she’d discarded it earlier. Something fell out of her pocket at Nick’s feet. He glanced down…to see two condoms.
He looked back up at Jodie.
“Oh man.” She bent and scooped them up and shoved them in her pocket. “Where did those come from?” When she stood and faced him, her cheeks were pink.
He moved closer, almost close enough to touch. “Did you come here for a booty call?”
“M-maybe.”
He brushed his mouth over hers. A sinking feeling of disappointment and regret filled him. “Shit. And here I am half wasted, crying in my tequila.”
“And Max is here.”
“I could get rid of him easily enough.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “But when I fuck you, I want to be perfectly sober so I know exactly what’s going on and I can remember every detail.”
“Oh.” She pulled in a quick breath. “I, uh, don’t get many chances to do that.”
He groaned. “I know. And I blew it.”
“Um. I have something to ask you.”
“What’s that?”
“I got a text message from your teammate. Cam Brickley.”
He frowned, remembering Cam asking for her number.
“He wants to go out with me.”
“Fuck no!” The words burst out of him before he could think about it. Heat burst in his chest and flashed through his veins.
Jodie blinked her long eyelashes at him. “I was going to ask if you think he’s a nice guy.”
“He’s a cocky asshole serial womanizer.” He winced inwardly at portraying his buddy that way. Well, he kind of was like that. “You can’t go out with him.”
“Um, you don’t really get to make that decision for me.” She straightened, a little notch between her eyebrows. “I just moved here. I don’t know many people. I’d like to go out once in a while. Have a social life.”
“You want to go out on a date? Fine. I’ll take you out on a date.” He stepped back, crossed his arms, and lifted his chin. “Name the day.”
Her mouth opened. Nothing came out. She closed it and tried again. “You want to take me out on a date.”
“Yeah.” Shit. As if she was going to want to go out on a date with a guy who could barely string a few sentences together in the name of conversation, whose idea of fun was sanding old furniture, who was drunk on a Sunday afternoon crying over his dead brother. His gut tensed. Cam was way more fun than he was.
He shoved a hand into his hair and looked away. “Never mind. Dumb idea.”
She inhaled slowly. “No, it’s not a dumb idea. I’ll go out with you.”
“Don’t do it because you feel sorry for me,” he muttered.
She snorted. “I mean, I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. But it wouldn’t be a pity date.”
“Ha. Good to know. Okay, I have next Friday off. Can you get a babysitter?”
“I’ll ask Kendra. I’ll let you know.”
They stared at each other in a moment of hot, vibrating silence. Then he reached out, grabbed her shoulders, and hauled her up against him for a long, hard kiss. Desire tore through his blood, setting him on fire. He pulled back, breathing roughly. “Okay.”
She swallowed, straightening her glasses then touching her hair, eyes dazed. “Okay. Bye.”
He watched her cross the yard back to the coach house, taking a moment to tamp down on the lust blazing inside him, then grabbed the tequila bottle and headed upstairs.
“That took a long time,” Hallsy said dryly. “The movie’s over.”
“What? You started it?”
“No, I’m kidding.” He lifted an eyebrow and sipped his tequila. “It did take a long time though. What’s going on?”
“I asked her out on a date.” He threw himself back down onto the sectional.
“Holy shit. Seriously?”
“Yeah.” He rubbed his face. “Apparently Brick wants to take her out and in some crazy moment of…I don’t know what. Jealousy? Competition? I told her not to go out with him, and I’d take her out.”
Hallsy laughed. And kept laughing. “How drunk are you? You don’t date.”
“I do. Well. Not really.”
“You just have hookups with Lindsey.”
“Haven’t seen her for a while,” he muttered, reaching for the remote. “Anyway, Jodie’s going to ask Kendra to babysit Friday night. You have to make sure she says yes.”
“Hey. What if we have plans Friday night?”
Nick pursed his lips. “Do you?”
“Nah.”
“Asshole.”
Hallsy grinned. He sipped his tequila. “I thought you said Jodie was annoying.”
Nick grimaced. He had said that. “She talks a lot.”
Hallsy shrugged. “She’s friendly. Outgoing.”
“I guess.”
“So what…is this just going out with her because Brick wants to?”
“I don’t know.” Nick slumped into the couch.
“Don’t be a dick to her. She’s a nice girl. And Kendra’s best friend.”
“I’m not a dick.”
He felt Hallsy’s long look at him and tried to ignore it. “I don’t know why I’m doing it. And I don’t know why she agreed. Brick’s a fun guy. I’m a…dick.” He shook his head. “She denies it, but she probably just feels sorry for me. I just told her about Aleks.”
Hallsy nearly spilled his drink. “You did?”
Nick shrugged. “It just came out.”
“You never talk about Aleks.”
“Yes, I do. When I go out to schools and talk about mental health, I talk about him all the time.”
“Ah. Right. But…”
Hallsy was right. He didn’t talk about Aleks much to his friends. He was guilty of that same tough-guy mentality Aleks had been—keeping things to himself, not wanting to let on to anyone that he was hurting. Yet with Jodie…it had just felt easy. “Okay, it actually felt good to talk about it.”
“Fuck me. This is great!”
Nick frowned. “What? Why?”
“You actually talked to a woman and asked her out on a date. This is progress, man.”
“Progress? What the fuck? You’re talking like there’s something wrong with me.” Well. The truth was, he kind of felt like there was something wrong with him. Like nobody would ever want to be with him, since he wasn’t exactly the life of a party. And he knew he didn’t deserve anyone wanting to be with him. But he’d never admit those feelings out loud, not even to his best bro. He liked his life the way it was.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Hallsy said. “But it would be good for you to have someone in your life.”
“Whoa, whoa. This is not like that. This is one date.”
“Sure.”
“I don’t like kids,” Nick reminded him.
“Right, right.” Hallsy relaxed back into the cushions.
Nick scowled. He didn’t need “someone” in his life. His life was fine the way it was.
* * *
—
It had been a helluva long time since he’d been on a date.
How sad was his life?
Nick shook his head. Not sad at all. This was how he wanted it. Hookups and hockey were enough for him.
Yet tonight, as he got ready to take Jodie out on a date, he wished he had a little more practice at this. An unfamiliar sense of uncertainty gripped him, tensing his muscles, making his mouth dry. He was almost ready to cancel the whole thing. Why was he even doing this? He was wasting an evening of her time, when she could be going out with someone like Brick, who was fun and knew what the hell he was doing when it came to women and dating.
&
nbsp; Canceling would be a dick move though. Also, offering to order in pizza and watch a movie would be pathetic.
He rubbed his jaw as he looked in his bathroom mirror, then ran a hand through his hair. He’d showered, shampooed, trimmed his stubble to a shadow, and was dressed in a pair of navy pants with a navy and tan checked shirt. For luck, he was wearing one of his craziest pairs of socks…navy blue with pink flamingoes.
He could do this.
He actually had a plan. Hopefully Jodie would enjoy it. She was smart and funny, and he wanted to do something she would like.
He grabbed his wallet, phone, and keys, slid on his leather jacket, and headed out to the coach house to pick her up.
She opened the door with a smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He let his gaze move over her, taking in the stylish black wide-legged trousers and short boxy gray sweater. She’d emphasized her eyes with some makeup, and her full lips gleamed with shiny gloss. “You look great.”
“Thank you. So do you. I just need my coat, hang on.”
He stepped inside and closed the door behind him while she opened the closet. “Zyana’s at Max and Kendra’s?”
“Yep. She was pretty excited about it too.”
He definitely owed Hallsy for this.
He took her coat and held it out so she could push her arms into the sleeves.
“Thank you.” She flipped her hair out and moved to pick up a small purse sitting on the island. “Okay. I’m curious to know what you have planned for us.”
He hadn’t shared the details with her, just told her to dress casual. He’d considered dinner at a fancy, expensive restaurant but somehow he felt like Jodie was more down to earth than that.
“First, we eat,” he said, opening the door for her. “Hopefully you’re hungry.”
“Starving, actually.”
He got onto North Lincoln and headed toward Old Town. Traffic was crazy, so it took a while to get to their destination and then find parking. Jodie chatted about her day and told funny stories about Zyana as he drove. “So she wouldn’t give up the tampon and wanted to take it to daycare to show her friends. When I told her she couldn’t, she had a meltdown. Oh my God.”
Big Stick: An Aces Hockey Novel Page 15