“Ah, shit.” Kendra reached out and rubbed Jodie’s back. “Were you getting serious about him?”
Jodie sniffled pathetically. She’d been holding back the tears ever since Nick had walked out, and they were getting perilously close to the surface. “I guess I was. I didn’t even realize how much until he left.” She swiped the back of her hand across one eye. “We haven’t even known each other that long, but…I thought we really had something…special. I think I…” Her voice cracked. “I think I love him.”
Kendra looked like she was going to cry herself. “Shit.”
“I know.” Jodie tried for a wobbly, watery smile. “I’m sorry I got myself into this. The sad thing is, I got Zyana into it too. She’s going to miss him.”
“I don’t really get it. He didn’t have to dump you just because of the playoffs.”
“Obviously it’s more than that. He’s scared of getting involved with someone. Especially two someones.” She swiped her eyes again. “It’s for the best, if he can’t handle it.” She looked down at her ice cream through blurry eyes. “Except…it hurts so damn much.” Her voice broke as hot pain carved her insides into slices.
“Oh, Jodie. I’m so sorry.” Kendra moved and hugged her.
“I should have known better.” She dropped her spoon and hugged Kendra back, her chest full and aching. “I’ve never let a man get so close since Zyana was born because I didn’t want this to happen and now…it did. Dammit.”
“You can’t wall your heart off for the rest of your life.”
“I know. But it’s not just my heart I’m protecting—it’s my daughter’s too.”
“I know she’s the most important thing in your life. But you’re important too.” She squeezed Jodie’s shoulders.
“Aw. Thank you. Love you.” She leaned her head against her friend’s shoulder. “I’ll be okay. Maybe.”
“I’m here for you. Always. You know that.”
“Yeah.” Her heart hurt with a clawing vicious pain, but having her best friend there for her helped.
“And now I’m going over to Nick’s place to kick him in the nuts.”
Jodie choked on a half-laugh half-sob. “No, you’re not.”
“Okay, I’ll get Max to punch him. He’s bigger than me.”
“No. They’re friends. I don’t want this to mess that up.”
“You’re too nice.”
Maybe she was. Maybe she should want revenge. Want Nick to be punished. But somehow, she had a feeling he’d been punished enough in his life.
* * *
—
It was spring in Chicago—tulips blooming, trees bursting into fresh green, the breezes off the lake smelling like hope. Hockey season was heating up. The Western Conference Final began with a home game for the Aces against Anaheim.
Which they lost.
They won their next game, then traveled to Anaheim for the next two, which they again lost. Back to Chicago for another win, and then…heartbreak. They fought with everything they had, sending the game into overtime but ultimately losing. And their season was done.
Nick was just finishing cleaning out his locker when Coach Wendell called to him to come into his office. He trudged over, disappointment still weighing like a boulder inside him.
“I just want to thank you for your hard work this season.” Brad lowered himself into the chair behind his desk. “You had the best season of your career. Your work ethic set an example for all those young guys coming up. That’s what true leadership is…leading by example.”
Nick rubbed the back of his head, not sure what to say. “Uh, wow. Thank you.”
“I know it’s been hard for you, playing without Aleks.”
He swallowed and gave a short nod. “Yeah. I always feel like it should be him playing here, not me.”
Coach frowned. “What?”
Nick shrugged. “He was the talented one. He made it seem so easy. I had to work my ass off to get here. Like you just said…I have a good work ethic.” He smiled wryly.
“Well, yeah, you do.” His frown didn’t ease. “But you have a lot of skill, Nicky. My praise of your work ethic doesn’t mean that’s all you’ve got. Some guys come into the league at age eighteen and do amazing things. Others take a while to hit their stride. That’s you. The things you do on the ice don’t always get a lot of attention. You’re not a top goal-scorer. But you contribute a helluva lot out there. I want you to know that doesn’t go unnoticed by the team. Next year I want to build on that.”
Nick’s throat constricted, and he nodded again. “Yeah.” He coughed. “Me too.”
“Great. What are your plans for the summer?”
“I, uh, don’t know. Do some work on my house. I’ll probably go home at some point…go to the cottage on Georgian Bay.” Except that always reminded him of Aleks.
“That’s a gorgeous area. Grew up not far from there.”
They chatted a bit more, and then Nick was dismissed. He carried his stuff to his vehicle to head home.
He was kind of blown away by Brad’s praise. It was a tiny ray of light after the bitter disappointment of losing again, so close to making it to the finals.
In his big empty kitchen, he leaned against the counter. The letdown of being done for the season hadn’t even fully sunk in yet, but the silence and loneliness of the house pressed in on him. The house was quiet. Too quiet.
Wow. This was what he enjoyed…his home was his sanctuary of peace and solitude. But right now, it felt oppressive. Desolate.
His head jerked around at a knock on the back door. Frowning, he pushed away from the counter and strode to the door. His heart bumped at seeing Jodie.
It was the first time he’d seen her since he’d dropped off the root beer for Zyana that day. He’d been busy, with games every other day. And she’d kept out of his path.
He opened the door to her. Jodie didn’t smile. “Hi.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Sorry to bother you. I, uh, saw the game and…sorry you lost.”
“Yeah.”
She eyed him as if she wanted to say more. Then she pulled in a breath and lifted her chin. “I came to tell you that I’ve found another place. We’ll be moving out as of June first.”
He stared at her. Did he hear that right? He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “What? Why?”
She pushed her glasses up on her nose. “I thought it would be best. I really appreciate you letting us live here the last few months though.”
“You don’t have to move.”
No. Don’t move. Don’t leave. Please…
She gave a tiny shake of her head. “Yeah. We do. Anyway, I thought I should let you know. Thanks again.” Her mouth tightened, and she pushed her hair back. “Bye, Nick.”
She turned and hurtled back to the coach house as if one of those big dogs she was afraid of was snarling and snapping at her heels.
He slumped against the wall, leaning his head back, closing his eyes. His jaw locked. He pulled in air through his burning esophagus, the burn spreading to his gut like wildfire.
Shit.
He felt like his heart was incinerating in his chest. Everything caving in.
He’d tried his best not to think about Jodie for the last week. All he’d thought about was hockey.
Except he hadn’t been able to control his dreams. He’d dreamt about her every night…sexy dreams that left him hard and hurting. Sweet dreams that made him ache. Scary dreams, about trying to save her from something and not being able to, that made him sweat.
Now he didn’t have hockey to distract him.
And she was leaving in less than two weeks.
He covered his face with his hands as a knife turned slowly in his gut.
Then he gave his head a hard shake and shoved himself away from the wall. What the he
ll was wrong with him? He was the one who’d ended things. He was getting his freedom back—no more tenants, no more crying toddler, no more chatter.
No more laughing together, no more goofy hockey, no more cuddling on the couch. No more hot, sweet, heart-stopping, soul-burning sex.
He exhaled a sharp breath.
Where were they moving to? It had better be somewhere safe, with no creepy landlord or sketchy neighbors.
His front doorbell rang.
His heart leaped, then dove.
Hallsy. He’d said he’d come by and help him move the sideboard from the garage to the house now it was all done.
He opened the door to find Hallsy and Kendra. “Hey.”
Kendra gave him a long, cool look. Shit.
He’d seen her briefly at the games. He’d kind of sensed her displeasure with him, but he hadn’t really talked to her.
“Hey, man.” Hallsy stepped in. “How’s it going?”
“Okay.”
“I’m going to go see Jodie,” Kendra said, sweeping past him, chin in the air.
He and Hallsy followed her, stopping in the kitchen.
“She’s pissed, isn’t she?” Nick rubbed his face.
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t mean for things to get messed up.”
“I know. She’s just hurting for Jodie.”
“Jodie’s fine. She’s moving out at the end of the month.”
“She’s not fine.”
“What?” He frowned at Hallsy.
“She’s not fine. She’s fucked up.”
Nick squinted. “What are you talking about?”
“Never mind.” He studied Nick. “You look kinda fucked up too.”
“We just lost our chance at the Cup. Of course I’m fucked up.”
“Nah. That’s not it.” Hallsy folded his arms across his chest, his jaw set. “Is this still about Aleks?”
Nick shook his head. “No. I mean, not really. I was playing for him…I know he would’ve wanted us to go all the way.”
“He also knew you can’t win ’em all.”
“Yeah. He did.”
“So this is about Jodie.”
Nick opened his mouth to deny it but couldn’t get the words out. His breath tightened in his chest as he tried to speak. “Is she really upset about this?”
“Look, I’m not gonna be all junior high here. You want to know how she feels? Ask her. If you want to talk about how you’re dealing with it, I’m here.”
Nick leaned his elbows on the island and looked down, his belly muscles rigid. “I didn’t realize how much I’d miss her.”
“You miss her, huh?”
“Yeah. Fuck me.” He shook his head, still bent. “I had to end things. She’s an amazing person…a great mother. Scary smart. Funny. She and Zyana both deserve someone who can protect them and care for them.”
“And you can’t?”
“You know what happened when I looked after Zyana. And you know what happened with Aleks. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most.”
“You’ve gotta fucking forgive yourself for that,” Hallsy ground out. “You’re never going to move on with your life if you don’t.”
“Maybe I don’t want to move on.” He lifted his head to glare at Hallsy, his voice growing louder. “Maybe this is how I’m supposed to live my life…alone.”
“You said you miss her. That means you don’t want to be alone.”
“I do.” But Nick froze. He did. Didn’t he? Yeah, he missed her, but that didn’t mean…fuck. Pressure built inside him, his mind churning. He missed her.
He was so fucking fucked.
He wanted her in his life. He didn’t want to be alone anymore, after experiencing how she’d changed his life. How she’d brought laughter and love, fun and friendship. Intimacy. Maybe he had been lonely before…and just never realized it. Because now, life without her seemed…unbearable. Intolerable. Unendurable.
But he couldn’t have her. Red-hot pain sizzled through him.
“That’s bullshit, man.” Hallsy shook his head. “Come on. You were the one telling me Ariana would want me to be happy.”
“That’s different.” He was nearly shouting again, his voice shaking. “You deserved to be happy again. You sacrificed your career for Ariana. You looked after her.” He paused to draw in a painful breath. “I don’t deserve it!”
Hallsy stared at him. “I don’t know what else to say to convince you that you do. Other than…shit, I wasn’t going to tell you this…”
“What?”
He hesitated. “Jodie’s in love with you.”
Nick’s head snapped up.
Hallsy groaned. “I shouldn’t be saying this. She’d kill me if she knew I told you. But come on, man…she must see something worthwhile in you, to have fallen in love with you. She trusted you with her daughter…who’s everything to her. She doesn’t blame you for what happened.”
“She should.”
Hallsy shook his head. “Get over yourself, for fuck’s sake. It sounds like you care about her too. Are you too much of a raisin sack to even give it a shot?”
Coward.
Jodie’s word reverberated in his head.
Now Hallsy was telling him he was a coward too, in slightly more colorful language.
“You told me there are no guarantees in life. Maybe things won’t work out with you and Jodie. But if we’ve learned nothing else from what we’ve been through, haven’t we learned what’s really important?”
Nick inhaled slowly, his lungs burning.
“The Stanley Cup doesn’t even really matter,” Hallsy said. “Yeah, we’re disappointed. But if I had to choose between it and Kendra, it’s no contest.” He held the edge of the island and leaned forward. “We’re here. We’re alive. We have to make the best of this life.”
He had told Hallsy that, when he was trying to get him to see that he needed to move on with his life.
“You avoid relationships.” Hallsy narrowed his eyes at him. “You avoid people and getting close to them. You think you’re trying to protect yourself. Maybe for once you should stop thinking about yourself and think about somebody else.”
Chapter 25
Nick felt like his buddy had just punched him in the throat. He couldn’t breathe. Heat flashed through his body and all he could hear was a thundering in his ears.
Jesus.
He bent his head, gripping the island.
“Sorry,” Hallsy said quietly. “That was brutally honest. I’m not trying to bust your balls. I did the same thing, remember? I was so focused on my own guilt and anxiety, I didn’t think about Kendra, and how she was feeling. I hurt her. I thought I’d lost her because I was an asshole.”
Nick’s breathing returned, but his heart still thumped. He couldn’t look at his friend.
Yeah, he’d been honest. And yeah, it was painful. Because, goddammit, the saying was true…the truth hurt.
The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.
He remembered one of his coaches saying that. The guy had pulled no punches when it came to giving feedback, but it had always been with the intention of making his players better.
Nick lifted his head and peered at Hallsy. His buddy met his eyes with a steady gaze.
“What did you do? To make it right with Kendra.”
“I was honest with her,” Hallsy said simply. “I told her how I felt.”
It sounded simple. But that had to be the most terrifying thing of all. Nick pulled in a few steadying breaths, then said, “Let’s get that sideboard.”
* * *
—
After Hallsy and Kendra left, Nick sat on a stool at his kitchen island.
He knew he had some thinking to do. This time he didn’t want tequil
a. He wanted his mind clear.
He needed to figure out what the hell he was doing with his life. Hallsy’s blunt words had struck right at his heart, along with Jodie calling him a coward.
Maybe he was a coward.
Tell her how you feel.
Sure. He could do that. Except…how did he feel?
He’d never felt like this before. He’d had girlfriends in the past…in high school and college. Girls were always happy to date hockey players, and he was happy to take advantage of that. But it was always going through the motions for him. He had fun. He liked sex. He liked having a pretty girlfriend. But he’d never fallen in love.
He’d accepted that he never would and that was okay. He wasn’t meant to fall in love.
He knew what love felt like—he’d loved his family, especially Aleks. But that felt nothing like this.
Oh, there were some similarities—caring about someone else, wanting to help them and look after them. Enjoying their company.
But he’d never felt this intense…need. A need to be with Jodie. To see her and talk to her and hear about her day. A need to protect her and take care of her. A need to make sure she had everything in the world she wanted, to make sure that she was happy every day of her life.
Yeah, he knew that wasn’t even possible, but still…that was how he felt.
On top of that, there was the physical need…the powerful need to touch her, to have her close to him, to be inside her, make her feel good.
Was that what love was?
Whatever this feeling was, it scared the hell out of him. It made panic buzz at the back of his brain. It made his heart go into a scary arrhythmia. It made his blood race fast and hot.
Hallsy’d said Jodie was in love with him.
His chest tightened to the point of not being able to breathe.
And to top all that off…Zyana. That cute little minx had somehow charmed her way into his heart along with her mother, making him feel that strange protective urge, that desire for her to be happy and safe forever.
The life he’d wanted—quiet, solitary, safe—now seemed empty, lonely, and sad. Jodie lived a life that was full and bright and alive. Full of love. Love for her daughter. For her friends. And maybe even…for him.
Big Stick: An Aces Hockey Novel Page 25