by Sky Corgan
Caleb
I can't see Willow anymore. I know that now. Peter's reaction...the fact that Willow didn't tell him about the assault.
I have to put myself in Peter's shoes. How would I feel if my girlfriend went to another man to console her? Not good at all. And if that man was my friend, I'd feel betrayed.
I know that Willow wants nothing more than to have us both in her life, but that's not how this works. Not when I have feelings for her and when...she doesn't know how she's supposed to act in a relationship. I'll be the martyr and save them both by just walking away, not because I want to but because it's the right thing to do.
I decide to avoid Willow like the plague. That's easier said than done when she's all chummy with me, though. She beats on my door every night, it seems. I peer at her through the peephole and then walk away. But I can't elude her forever.
A few days later, she catches me as I'm coming off of the elevator. I scowl as she blocks the door to my apartment, placing her hands on her hips.
“What's your problem? You haven't been answering my texts.”
I haven't, and it's been killing me. Especially when she asks me if I'm mad at her or if she did something wrong.
“I can't hang out with you anymore,” I tell her plainly before trying to get around her.
She presses her back against the door lock to stop me. “We're going to talk about this whether you like it or not. Is this about your girlfriend? Is she being a cunty bitch again?”
My jaw falls open at her boldness for saying something like that. “You don't even know anything about her.”
“Well, I know that if she's threatening to break up with you over us hanging out then she's no good for you.” Willow folds her arms over her chest.
“How is that not good for me? That's natural, Willow. It's fucking natural for people in a relationship not to want to share their partner with someone of the opposite sex, even as friends. You've been taking up too much of my time,” I keep my tone as cold as possible.
Willow sinks back, but she doesn't step away from the door. “I'm sorry. I thought it was a mutual thing. I mean, I can't hang out with Peter either when I'm with you, but I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the sake of our friendship.”
“Well, I'm not. My girlfriend doesn't like you. She doesn't want me hanging out with you anymore, and I'm going to respect her wishes.” I stand firm.
Willow snarls up at me. “Fuck your girlfriend.”
“Yeah. I probably will later if you'll get away from my fucking door.” I glare at her.
Her mouth drops and she huffs. I see a trace of pain behind her expression, but her voice remains calm. “Is this really what you want, Caleb?”
“Yes. It's really what I want.” I can't even look at her as I speak. “If having her in my life means that I can't have you in my life anymore, then that's what I want.”
The hallway is so silent that you could hear a pin drop. Willow's eyes go glassy. It's the same look she had after the assault. It's like something inside of her has died or gone dormant. She's not even looking at me anymore but through me. She lets out a shaky breath before finally stepping out of the way and returning to her apartment. She doesn't even turn back to me before going inside.
The tension of the moment fades, and I feel physically ill from the horrible thing I just said to her. I made it seem like she means nothing to me. But I did what I did because I want her to be happy—because I want Peter to be happy. I did what I did because they're both my friends and I care about them greatly.
I nudge Max aside with my shoe as I enter my apartment. Then I go straight to the sofa to lie down. I would fucking kill for my imaginary girlfriend to be real right now—to not have to live this lie. But more than that, to have some type of comfort.
I'm alone with my regrets. Max licks at my hand, but it does little to make me feel better. All I keep thinking is that I shouldn't have said that. I stew over my actions for what feels like a full hour before my guilt gets the better of me and I decide to go next door to apologize. I don't know what I'm going to say, but I have to make things right.
Fuck my life. I need to move or something so that I can get out of this fucked up situation. Living next door to the girl I've fallen in love with while she dates my best friend—it's torture. At least, if I move away, I'll have an excuse not to see her anymore. There won't be so much tension.
I sigh deeply as I bang on the door to Willow's apartment, expecting her to rush to open it. I stand there for several minutes. There are no footsteps. No sign that she's inside.
I lean against the door, wondering what the fuck I'm going to do—what in the fuck I'm doing. I need to stick to my resolve. I did the right thing. It's better that she thinks I'm serious about us not hanging out anymore.
The soft sound of sobbing grabs my attention. I know it's Willow. I've heard her cry before.
I follow the sound to the balcony, knowing that I'm going to charge down the stairs, take her into my arms, and do whatever it takes to fix this. Damn the consequences. Damn logic. I need to make this better.
My heart races as I take long strides to the stairs. But when I look over the balcony, what I see below stops me dead in my tracks. Willow is in the parking lot. Peter is holding her. She's sobbing uncontrollably into his arms.
It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and tossed three stories below to explode on the pavement. Because I know that this is the way things need to be. I can't be a part of their world anymore. Willow needs to forget about me.
Peter
She won't tell me why she's crying, but I'm not even sure I care. The fact that she called me to help her get through this instead of Caleb is all that matters. It feels selfish, but getting the text that said she needed me made me happy.
“Cry as much as you want,” I tell Willow as I stroke her hair.
Her warm body is pressed against me. She's shivering and shaking, the sobs wrecking her small frame. The tears are falling non-stop. Something really bad must have happened for her to be this affected by it. Maybe it's suppressed emotions from the assault. Whatever the case, I'm here for her.
I glance up at the balcony and catch a glimpse of Caleb standing there. The second he sees me, he walks away. It bothers me that he's still tailing my girlfriend, but I can talk to him about it later. He needs to stay away from her—needs to know that this is my job. Not his.
I wait until Willow has gotten herself together before I offer to take her for coffee. She nods, looking to the balcony as if she somehow knows that Caleb was there only moments ago. Then she wraps her arm around my waist and allows me to lead her to my car. She stays quiet all the way to the coffee house.
“Would you like something to eat?” I look at the sweets counter. “Some sugar might make you feel better.”
“I'm not hungry.” She shakes her head slowly.
We sit at a small table. Willow's hands are circling her coffee, but she's not drinking it. She's just staring at the tabletop, seemingly lost in thought.
“I'm ready to listen when you're ready to tell me what has you so upset.”
Her eyes meet mine as if she's coming out of a dream. She looks at me but doesn't speak.
“Does this have something to do with the assault?” I press.
“Yeah. That's it,” she mumbles, looking away again.
“Well, I'm glad you called me instead of Caleb.” I scoot my chair closer to her and take her hand in mine.
She seems to tense at the sound of his name. “I'll never call him for anything again.”
“Good. That's what I like to hear. I want you to rely on me for everything.”
My words don't seem to bring her any comfort. I wonder if this is what she was like right after the assault. The shell of a person. The girl I know and love is miles away right now.
“Hey. Let's get out of here.” I nod towards the entrance.
She doesn't reply. She simply stands and follows me out of the coffee shop.
I drive her back to her apartment and we sit in the parking lot. The car is full of nothing but silence. I don't know what to do to make her feel better, and it's driving me crazy.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” I ask finally.
“No.” She offers me a weak smile. “You've done enough. Everything you're supposed to do.”
“I would do whatever it takes to make you feel better. If you want, we can go to the movies or just chill up in your apartment.” I glance up.
“I think I'll be fine now.” Willow unbuckles her seat belt. “Come to think of it, I'm not really even sure why I was crying in the first place.”
“You've been through a lot lately. It's understandable.” I look her over, hoping that she's really okay.
“And you've been amazing through it all.” She slides her hand on top of mine and entwines our fingers together before squeezing. “I really don't deserve you.”
“I think I'm the one who doesn't deserve you.” I dip slightly to catch her gaze. “I just want you to know that you're everything to me, Willow. Please don't ever forget it.”
Willow
I'm not okay. For days and days, I'm not okay.
I want to say that this is like when I heard Caleb talking about me with Alvin Miller in high school, but it's nothing like that. Back then, I admired Caleb from afar. He spoke a few words to me now and then, but we were never close.
This time...
Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe it hurts so badly. I catch myself listening for him at night, wondering if the footsteps padding down the hall belong to his feet. Every time I hear a dog bark downstairs, I go to my balcony to see if it's him and Max. I even came out of my apartment once to greet him, but he basically told me to piss off and then disappeared inside.
I don't understand why he's being so cold. All I know is that if I ever meet his girlfriend, I might claw her eyes out. What a fucking cunt, breaking up a friendship like that. But I suppose I should be mad at him, too, for letting some bitch get such a tight grasp on his balls.
I've been going to the gym with Becky religiously. Working out has shot up to the very top of my list of priorities, but it's not because I care about my fitness so much as that I want to see Caleb. As soon as he figured out what times we're there, he stopped going casually and only started showing up when he had a client so that he didn't have to interact with us.
Becky complains about his distance, but she doesn't feel it like I do. Her friendship has been the only thing that's comforted me in place of losing Caleb. I never thought I would say that in regards to her. That she would ever be important to me.
“Willow,” she tries to grab my attention.
I'm doing step ups right now. Caleb is in the gym with a rather attractive female client, and my head is permanently fixed to the side as I watch them. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about things that I shouldn't. What I felt when Caleb and I looked at each other in his apartment after my assault. His romantic words. The way he touched my face. How badly I wanted him to kiss me.
“Willow,” Becky repeats my name a bit more loudly.
“Hm?” I break my intense staring and glance over at her on the bicep curl machine.
She climbs off of the machine and walks over to me even though the light hasn't changed yet. She grips my arm to stop me from stepping and leans in to whisper to me, “You can't keep staring at him like that. People are starting to notice.”
“Notice what?” I huff. “And I want him to see me staring. I want him to know that I'm watching him.” Because I want him to know that I'm hurting without him in my life.
She lets out a small laugh, her gaze dropping to the floor for a moment.
“What?” I glare at her, though my anger is completely misdirected.
“It's obvious.” She grins.
“What is?”
She bites her bottom lip for a moment as if she's worried that what she's going to say next will offend me. “You're in love with him.”
“What?” My mouth falls agape.
Becky holds her hands up to stop the fit of word vomit that wants to come from my mouth. “Think about it. You've been obsessing about him for days. Every time he comes into the gym, all you do is stare at him. And you're not even looking at him with contempt.
“I can see the sadness in your eyes. The longing.”
“I miss my friend,” I insist.
“You miss him so much that you've been putting off dates with Peter just to come here. You haven't even spoken about Peter in days. You sit at work looking broken. Every time you talk about Caleb's girlfriend, I can hear the jealousy in your voice.”
“I'm not jealous.” I fold my arms over my chest. I'm not? Am I?
Becky takes a deep breath. “I know what it looks like when a girl is in love with someone. I'm telling you, you are in love with that man.” She nods towards Caleb.
“Whatever.” I wave her away and continue on to the shoulder press machine.
For as much as I want to discredit what she said, one of her points sticks out to me the most. She's right about the fact that I keep putting off Peter just to go to the gym. Any time he's asked me if we could do something right after work, I've come back with a firm no. I tell him that's my time to work on my fitness. That's my time to hang out with Becky.
But that's bullshit and I know it. The real reason I've been going to the gym religiously is because I've become obsessed with my need to be closer to Caleb in some way.
I loathe knowing that's the truth, but it is...and I can't change it. My relationship with Peter is suffering because of my need to have Caleb in my life. It's not fair to Peter, but I feel powerless against my own compulsions. All I can do is hope that this is a phase that will eventually pass. Or that Caleb and his girlfriend will break up. Obviously, that would be the ideal situation.
He leaves the gym before us, and my mood dips when he's gone, but at least I'm able to better focus on my workout. The fact that he didn't even look in my general direction the entire time he was here hurts.
After our workout, Becky and I walk out to our cars. We parked side by side, and she faces me for our standard goodbye for the evening.
“I really think you should forget about him, Willow,” she tells me.
“That's kind of hard when he lives right next door,” I mutter.
“That's not what I mean.” She shakes her head. “You tried so hard to get with Peter. You have a wonderful man in your life now. You don't want to ruin that because you're obsessing over someone else.”
She's right. I can't let this ruin the relationship that I fought so hard to build. There's no point to it anyway, especially when Caleb has his own relationship to attend to.
“Maybe we should start going to another gym for a while.” Becky shifts her weight. “Our membership covers several gyms in the city.”
“No.” I shake my head. “This one is the closest to both of us. I'll be fine. I just need to get over this.” To get over him.
Becky
Jealousy is an evil beast, but I need to be supportive of Willow. She told me the whole story about how she and Peter ended up together. I have to admire a woman who would go that far out of her way to be with a man. I would never put even a fraction as much effort into getting someone. All it's ever taken for me was a flip of my hair and a bat of my eyelashes. Maybe a few suggestive words, at best.
Well, usually that's all it takes. Obviously, I was rejected by Peter. And Caleb, to some extent. It seems that guys like them go after the good girls. And I'm not a good girl. Not in the same sense that Willow is. I'm not wholesome or naive, though I play a good game of pretending to be naive.
It's admittedly odd watching someone who only seems worthy of McDonalds struggling to choose between steak and caviar. I'm not sure if Caleb's interest in Willow is mutual, but it's obvious that not having him in her life is tearing her apart. I now know the whole story between them, too. It was inevitable that she would fall for him again
. He's quite the catch, though on a completely different level from Peter. Both men would make favorable partners.
I want to help her try to save her relationship, because I can see it spiraling downward with her obsession with Caleb. Peter doesn't look at her the same way. His face always seems filled with concern when he sees her sulking. It's obvious that he knows something is wrong but probably can't figure out what. I'm not sure how open Willow is with him about the whole Caleb situation.
I try to remind her every chance that I get about how lucky she is to have Peter as her boyfriend. He's every girl's dream. The fact that she can't see it anymore... I don't really understand it.
If I can do something about this, she'll be more likely to let me move in with her, and that's my end goal. I befriended her for Caleb, though I don't really regret it. Now that we've gotten over being nasty to one another, I'm seeing her as someone I can get along with. We'll never be best friends, but I think she's a pretty honest person, and that's what I need in a roommate.
This is all a game of helpful manipulation. If I can do Willow a solid, she'll feel obligated to pay me back. We both win.
I convince her to skip out on the gym one day and go out on a date with Peter, telling her that she really needs to refocus her attention on the relationship if she wants it to survive. Then I take the opportunity to corner Caleb at the gym. Even without Willow there, he tries to avoid me, but I'm tenacious. It's one of my better qualities. I may not always get what I want, but I will press until I at least get a final answer.
Caleb finishes up with his client, goes to the locker room, and then takes long strides out of the building. I jog to catch up to him, clutching onto his arm to make him stop. He looks down at me with alarm before his expression settles into recognition.