by Eve Langlais
The receptionist, wearing tight serpentine curls and slanted cat-eye glasses, sat at the curved reception desk and offered him a smile. “Julio, what a coincidence. The commander is here and wants to speak with you.”
“What’s he doing here this late at night?” Brody usually preferred to keep daytime hours, whereas Julio liked to switch them up.
“He popped in to handle something. Wanted to set up a meeting for tomorrow but given you’re here…”
“I’ll go see what he wants then.” Julio strode quickly across the carpeted floor, a slate gray that complemented the other shades of gray that decorated the place. Grim Dating didn’t have gimmicky hearts and cupids like other matchmaking places. They took their business seriously. Except on their merchandise. The cartoon reaper with his scythe stabbing a heart was turning out to be a big hit. They couldn’t keep the bumper stickers or T-shirts in stock.
The glass door set inside a frosted wall led into a lush vestibule for the big man’s office. Brody, the commander, and Posie, recently appointed partner—and Brody’s pregnant, eating-everything-in-sight fiancée—were standing in front of the secretary’s desk rather than inside the office with its panoramic view.
Bambi, the devil’s own daughter, sat in the secretarial seat, twirling around. She wore a skirt that actually reached her knees, ankle boots, and a blouse tucked into the waistband and not cropped under her breasts. She almost looked mature.
Then she saw him and winked, offering the most lascivious smile possible. “There’s that hunk of Latino burning love we wanted to see. Wearing way too many clothes, I should add.”
“You can’t say that,” Posie chastised. “It can be construed as sexual harassment.”
“You’re ruining my fun. Do you know how long I’ve waited to be in charge so I can use my position of power to demand favors from people?” Bambi pouted. “Besides, I was just telling the truth from a position of experience.”
“And for it to be harassment, it has to be unwelcome. The CEO of Grim Dating can compliment me any day.” Julio winked but didn’t worry about Bambi taking him up on the offer. Rumor had it she was getting serious with someone. Love appeared to be in the air, and contagious. He’d been taking extra vitamins to avoid getting contaminated.
“Ugh, now I remember why I avoid coming here. Such spoilsports. Why did you call me, anyhow?” Bambi complained.
Brody slung his arm around Posie’s waist. “We’re going on a trip.”
“And you wanted to invite me along to spice things up?” Bambi’s expression brightened.
“No!” Posie and Brody exclaimed as one. They did that every so often. If they kept it up, they’d end up with a cutesy name like Brosie. Maybe Pody?
“Just the two of you? Sounds dull to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.” Bambi rose, readying to leave.
“Wait.” Brody held up a hand. “I called you both to talk about delegation of duties while I’m gone. Julio, you’ll be my eyes and ears but only report if it’s something I need to know or deal with. Bambi, I figured you’d take our spot.”
“Work here? On Earth?” Bambi’s nose wrinkled. “No thanks. I’m enjoying the break. Make him do it.” She pointed.
“Me?” Julio exclaimed. “Oh no. Spying I can do, but I am not management material.”
“Meaning you won’t try and steal my job,” Brody mused aloud. “You know what, that just might work. Julio, you’re in charge.”
Having seen what Brody dealt with on a daily basis, Julio roughly shook his head. “You can’t do this to me. I’m not meant to be fettered to a desk.”
“It’s only for two weeks.”
“Two weeks!” His voice reached a pitched he’d not heard since his teenage years.
“Yeah, two weeks. Try not to screw it up.”
He’d try. He really would. But it didn’t help that the moment Brody left, and Julio was in charge, the devil appeared wearing an evil grin.
“Hello, Julio. Miss me?”
“I saw you less than fifteen minutes ago.”
“And already disobeying I see. Where’s the angel?”
“Off proving she doesn’t need me.”
“Fear not. She’ll be back. In the meantime, I’ve got a special job for you.”
Was it just him that heard the ominous music?
9
“Grab her, would you?” Lucifer held out his daughter. “I need both hands to show you something.” His cute baby girl was dressed in a custom pink romper covered in hungry piranhas. Adorable.
Julio eyed him with trepidation. As Jujube reached for him, the reaper recoiled as if she were about to go off like a bomb. A possibility. Jujube did so love her temper tantrums. Lucifer had to reinforce her crib a few times.
“If I must.” With a long-suffering sigh, Julio plucked the baby and held her to his chest, hand holding her head, arm tucked under her bottom. A pro.
Lucifer frowned. “You’re awfully comfortable with her. How is that possible given I don’t recall any bastards in your file?” Because he’d been looking for any illegal progeny that might be able to join his legion.
“I was second oldest of seven kids. And two of my sisters got pregnant in their teens.”
A reminder Julio came from a long line of sinners. His family practically had a seat reserved on Charon’s boat, given how many of them died every year. But good news, they procreated like crazy. For example, Julio only knew of six siblings, yet by Lucifer’s reckoning, Daddy had sprinkled at least five more.
“I will keep your experience in mind the next time the missus and I need a night out. Crazy how no one wants to spend time with the prettiest girl in the world. Yes, she is.” Lucifer chucked her chin, and Jujube giggled. Not her real name, but the one that stuck. Lucifer kept her real name hidden, even from Gaia. There was something still not right about his wife.
Too happy. Too bright. Too horny.
All that sex he’d been having lately. The BJs… He didn’t trust it one bit. Married sex was supposed to be begged for. Then indulged in between commercial breaks. Maybe a quickie in the shower. But instead his babies slept at least a few hours straight and Gaia had been showing up wearing different outfits each time.
She was definitely up to something. Which was why he fucked her, and he fucked her good. Maybe he’d fuck her hard enough she’d admit her plan.
Okay, he fucked her just because it was amazing. But still, there had to be a way to get her to talk to him. Let him peek inside her head and see what she plotted.
“Why do you need two hands?” Julio interrupted, having placed the baby on his lap facing him so he could make faces at her.
The jealousy when she giggled and clapped almost had him erasing Julio. Stealing his girl! DIE!
Wait. He needed the guy still.
“Ah yes, the reason I’m here.” Lucifer pulled a cigar from his jacket stained in baby milk. With his other hand he lit it with a Zippo engraved with a duck, in loving memory of his rubber one, which had to be tossed after a toxic incident in the bath with his son.
May your duckie soul float forever. He’d miss its jabby horns when he sat down without looking and it rammed him in the butt.
Fun times.
“You shouldn’t smoke around the baby,” Julio admonished.
The nerve. Taking the devil to task. Lucifer slapped a gag over Julio’s mouth. “The grownups are talking. Meaning me. So listen. That angel you met.”
Julio’s head inclined, and he rolled his shoulders in a universal what?
“She’s cute.”
Julio snorted and rolled his eyes.
“Yes, she sounds a little crazy. But one can’t really blame her given her upbringing.”
Julio waggled his brows. Lucifer couldn’t quite understand his question and removed the gag. “You wanted to say something?”
“A little crazy? She doesn’t know how angels are made.”
“Do you know how angels are made?” Lucifer asked.
For a second,
Julio’s mouth worked. “Aren’t they made the same way as everyone else?”
“Not according to Heaven. According to them, baby angels just appear, brought there magically by storks.”
“Wait, are you telling me that bullshit story she told me is true?” His brows rose. “A fucking stork. Where does the bird get them from?”
Lucifer shrugged. “They don’t teach that part in Heaven.”
“But you know,” Julio stated.
“Of course, I know where babies come from,” Lucifer exclaimed. “However, if I just tell the angel, she’ll think I’m lying.”
“Show her proof.”
“Are you saying I should have sex with her and impregnate her with my virile seed?” He waited for Gaia to react. Not a single jealous lightning strike.
“Uh, no?”
“I’m married, I’ll have you know,” Lucifer huffed, feeling a little jilted. Did Gaia simply not care anymore? Or was she stepping out on him?
He’d kill anyone who laid a hand on his wife.
No, killing was too gentle. He’d torture them for an eternity. Muahahahaha.
As he laughed out loud, both Julio and Jujube eyeballed him.
“You okay, Dark Lord?”
“Yes! Never better. Anyhow, on to your mission. I need you to educate the angel. Although, FYI, she’s a virgin.”
A massive coughing fit had the baby bobbling on Julio’s lap. “You want to me to…”
Lucifer chuckled. “As if I’d ever ask one of my loyal employees to have sex with someone. It would be completely up to you whether you’d like to pop a cherry.” Julio turned a color that appeared unhealthy. Lucifer grabbed his baby. “Are you going to puke? Because I just had these boots licked and shone with a thousand tears from a repentant asshole.”
“Why do you want Helen to know how babies are made?”
“Because she and other angels are being lied to. Oppressed by my brother and his ancient beliefs that are sexist to females.”
“And telling them how babies are made fixes this how?” Julio asked.
“Because then they’d be sinning, according to my brother, and they’d fall. All mine without lifting a hand or killing anyone. Elegant, eh?”
“You think if angels have sex Heaven will collapse?”
No, or it would have happened already, but Lucifer wasn’t about to tell his minion. “It won’t collapse, but it will precipitate an uprising.” Because Lucifer had seen a few futures where Heaven erupted into chaos.
“And this uprising all rests on Helen knowing how babies are made?” Such skepticism in Julio’s tone.
“Not just babies. Angel babies. She needs to meet the Nephilim living on this plane.” And in case Julio didn’t know what that meant, he explained. “Nephilim are angel-human mixed children.”
“They exist?”
“Well, duh. Haven’t you been paying attention? Angels have been fucking and making babies with humans since they ventured down from Heaven.”
“Wouldn’t that render them sinners and automatically make them fall?”
“Except for the fact no sex with humans means they die out,” Lucifer answered before Julio’s slow brain caught up. “You see my brother learned early on that reproducing in a very limited gene pool proved less than ideal. So, he outright banned sex in Heaven. Made it a sin and sterilized half the population.”
Julio figured it out quickly this time. “He sterilized the females, because even if they do have sex, the lack of pregnancy means there’s no proof to expose the lie.”
“Now you understand. Boy angels, as a reward for being brown-nosing sycophants, get to flock down to Earth and sprinkle their seed. Those born with wings are taken to Heaven.”
“I’ve never heard of a baby born with wings.”
“Of course not. Humans can’t see them. Which you should know. Their wings are like your cloaks when on Earth.”
Julio bounced the baby as he took on a pensive expression. “I find it hard to believe angels have been using humans as baby makers and I’ve never heard of it.”
“As if my brother would allow such a thing to come to light. This has been an elaborate plot of his for eons.”
“Who’s got a plot?” Lucifer hadn’t noticed his wife had arrived.
“Wench, what a delight to see you!”
Gaia appeared in fine form, her hair bound back in French braids, her summer dress light and airy, floating around on gossamer wings. The butterflies were too delighted about being near Mother Earth to scream about being used for fashion.
“Husband. You are looking fine.” Her gaze tracked down over him, and he shivered. Such wicked promise in that gaze.
“I was just talking to Julio here about my plan to destabilize Heaven.” Close to the truth but skirting it.
Gaia should have called him out. Instead she smiled. “I can’t wait to hear all about it. First, my little girl needs a bath.” Gaia held out her hands for the baby.
“She had one this morning after an incident while diaper changing.”
“Then we’ll snuggle.” The fingers that reached elongated, vine-like and grasping.
Lucifer snatched the child with a chuckle. “Sounds like an excuse for a nap. I’m in. Shall we?” He wrapped his free arm around Gaia and then popped them into a room with his boy, who slept soundly until they arrived.
Junior woke, rubbing his eyes. He lifted his arms. “Da.”
Lucifer reached for his son, and Jujube yelled, “My Da. Me. Me.”
That didn’t please Gaia. “Mama has you.” Indeed, she had lifted the girl from Lucifer’s arms during their transition.
“Da. Me,” Jujube insisted.
Whereas the boy hugged Lucifer and offered a smug, “My daddy.”
Which led to a sibling scream fest that put Jujube in his arms and sent Gaia fleeing.
How long could he keep thwarting her?
10
The minutes after Julio left were the most terrifying of Helen’s life. She’d not realized how safe she’d felt in his presence. How inconspicuous under the cover of his cloak.
With him gone, the Earthly plane crashed all her senses. She could barely handle all the color smeared everywhere. For an angel used to the muted pastels of heaven, the brightness and disharmony proved jarring. An overload to her senses rendered worse by the noise. Loud machines rumbled along on wheels. Everything hummed with electricity. The noise was almost enough to make her slap her hands over her ears, only she realized no one else was reacting. No one cared.
The people in the streets walked along as if those flashing bright signs weren’t stabbing their eyes. Or the cars going by weren’t belching smoke. They ignored those things but kept turning to eye her.
She glanced down at her voluminous night robe and her slippers. She needed to blend in. And quickly.
However, everywhere she turned, she was struck with the alien-ness of everything. Where should she go? Why hadn’t she accepted Julio’s offer of help? Because that would be like accepting the devil’s aid, and she knew that was a sin. She couldn’t exactly claim innocence if she did the dark lord’s bidding.
Scared and unsure of what to do next, Helen began to walk aimlessly, hugging herself as she left the busy streets for quieter ones with deep pockets of shadow. A few cars drove by, their bright lights blinding in the dark.
One slowed, and a window rolled down. “Hey, honey, you look lost. You want a ride?”
The idea of not walking filled Helen with intense relief. Her feet hurt. How kind of the man to offer.
Helen reached for the car door, only to have someone insert herself, literally pushing Helen out of the way. A very feminine voice purred, “Not tonight, sugar. She’s not ready.”
Before Helen could ask, “Not ready for what?”, the man snapped, “Mind your business, cunt. If the chick wants to make twenty bucks sucking my dick, then—”
The woman suddenly shoved her head through the open car window and said very softly but firmly, “I said no. A
nd no means no, fuckwad. Now go because if I see you again, I will separate you from the two-inch joke in your pants.”
“Yes, ma’am.” The car tires screamed something awful as he drove away, and the woman turned around.
She was pretty with blonde hair tied back and wearing an outfit of pink that included loose pants, a tucked-in blouse, and a fluffy jacket. She offered a smile to Helen. “Sorry about that. Some people are just so rude. I’m Bambi.” She held out a hand.
Eyeing it, Helen wondered what to do with it and replied, “I’m Helen.”
“Nice to meet you, Helen, and in the nick of time apparently. Good thing I found you. My Father wasn’t kidding when he said you needed a crash course on living on Earth.”
“Your Father?” Her eyes widened as she clued in. “You’re Lucifer’s daughter!”
“Yes, I am. The less famous one. The one you’ve probably heard of is Muriel, my younger sister.”
“Your sister is the world’s biggest whore?” Which she understood was someone who indulged in much fornication outside of marriage.
Bambi’s lips quirked. “Actually, that’s me. Multiverse winner many years in a row.”
“Isn’t being a whore a bad thing?”
The beautiful woman flipped her hair. “Not everyone is repressed about their sexuality. Do you even know what sex is, little cherub?”
“I’m not a cherub.” That was a name used for babies.
“You’re innocent like one. But don’t worry, we’ll fix that.”
“How?”
“By teaching you what you need to know to survive in this world.”
“Can I survive?” She’d begun to wonder.
“Anyone can. It’s just a matter of learning and preparing.”
“I don’t know if I have enough time. The devil claims there is a warrant for my arrest.” How could anyone believe those lies!
“And? So what if there’s a price on your head. I’ve got a few. As does my sister, her four husbands, even my sweet little niece.”
That sounded like a few too many husbands. “Why do people want to kill you? How have you sinned?” Helen asked.