I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to give up a baby. To entrust all that is perfect and innocent in this world to another. No words can reflect the agony and desperation I felt when I looked into Gemma’s eyes for the first and last time, knowing that I wouldn’t get to see her again. My heart and soul splintered when her slight weight was removed from my arms, and I knew then that my future had permanently and irrevocably changed. And not for the better.
The truth surrounding Gemma’s adoption is one that I have never told anyone. Why I gave her up without telling Atlas about her is something I never wanted to share. Anyone. That’s not to say I wasn’t aware in the back of my mind that one day I would be forced to because I was. In fact, I wanted Gemma to come into the light. She didn’t
belong in the darkness that shrouded her. I just simply wasn’t prepared for it to be now.
In hindsight, I should have sensed this day was coming. My life had been too perfect for my sins not to come back to haunt me. You can’t possibly hide what I have and not expect your secrets to be revealed, but I didn’t. I pushed away the pain of knowing this day would come and told myself that I don’t for a second deserve the man in front of me silently searching for something, anything that will alert him to what I’m going to do next. And I further convinced myself that I don’t deserve the love of my beautiful, witty, intelligent daughter.
I was so sure that someone like me wasn’t worthy of the kind of love that I felt from Atlas, and the chance at a being a mom again, that I buried the last traces of hope so deeply they would never see the light of day. But as is the rest of my life to date, just when I was on the cusp of happiness, it was stolen away, and I have nobody to blame but myself.
“If that’s not what this is, then explain it to me, Emmy,” Atlas groans, squeezing the back of his neck with one large calloused hand. The frustration he feels permeating the room as if it is an entity all unto itself.
Five minutes before he walked in, I could have done all that and more. I had the words front and center, all but waiting to be written down and sealed in an envelope for him to read when I was gone. But now, now that he’s standing here in front of me, my mind is blank. My mouth
won’t work to form words. All that I can manage is a strangled sob as I gather what is left of my strength to resume packing.
As I zip the last duffle bag shut, Atlas’ palm closes around my hand that is wrapped around the bags’ handles.
“For fuck’s sake, Emmy. Don’t do this. Don’t throw what we’ve got away, just because you’re too gutless to stand and fight. Tell me. Trust me. Give me something, baby. Anything. I’ll take scraps at this point, Emmy, as long as you start talking.”
My heart aches as his voice cracks, the despair rolling off him in waves. And for a moment, a split second, I reconsider my options, but yet again end up coming to the same conclusion.
“I wasn’t leaving you, Atlas,” I impart. “I was giving you and Gemma a chance. Something I should have done in the very beginning.”
“What…?”
I cut him off quickly, knowing that if I let him speak, I’ll never say what needs to be said. And my God, Atlas needs to hear this.
“I love you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about Diesel earlier. I’m sorry that our son didn’t get the chance to know his father as he should have. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t leave Scott sooner and save Diesel from a lifetime of lies. I hate that our son didn’t have the opportunity to call you dad or live long enough for you to call him your son. And I know that was my fault, all of it. If
I were stronger, made smarter decisions, or taken any of the
hundred out’s Hoss gave me, then maybe things would have gone differently. But I didn’t, and that’s on me too. Now, with Gemma, I can make a difference. I can give you and her a chance. I may not be able to go back in time and change things, but I can alter your future. Let me give this to you both. Let me give you the opportunity to get to know your daughter the way you didn’t know your son.”
“I can do that without losing you, Em,” Atlas says defiantly, his tone belying the doubt in his eyes.
“No, baby. You think you can, but you can’t,” I shake my head sadly, admitting what he can’t.
“Em?”
“Please,” I beg, reaching out to grip his forearm. “Trust me, just this one last time. You and Gemma both need space, not from each other, but from me. Me being here is a constant reminder of what you and she have suffered. Every time Gemma sees me, it just rubs salt in wounds that have already been torn wide open.”
When Atlas goes to speak again, I silence him by going up onto my toes and pressing a tender kiss on his lips. I don’t make any moves to deepen it, and neither does he. It is soft and sweet, yet it conveys everything he needs to know.
“You couldn’t possibly know this, but this is all I have left to give. I walked away from us years ago, and I have regretted it every day since. But this is not that. This is not
me walking away from you. We aren’t those people anymore. So much of our lives were wasted on lies and half-truths. Even more of it because we were both too stubborn to put our pride and feelings aside and see how much better we were together than apart. I won’t allow that to happen again, Atlas,” I state, my voice coming out stronger than I anticipated.
Wrapping my arms around my midsection, I look deep into the eyes of the only man who has ever had my heart. His pain is etched into the laugh lines around his eyes. The confusion he feels is conveyed by the grim set of his mouth and the furrowing of his brow. This man who means everything to me is hurting, and that too is all my fault.
Bracing myself for the soul deep agony that is sure to come, I take a deep breath and exhale.
“I don’t want you to chase me, Atlas because I’m not running away. I don’t want you to follow me, either because there’s someone much more important and deserving of your attention here, just waiting for you to reach out and hold her. When you’re ready, when your relationship with Gemma is strong enough to withstand the truth, I’ll come home. And when I do, I’ll tell you both everything.”
“Why not now, Emmy? Like a Band-Aid, just rip it off and get it over with,” he all but commands.
God, if only it were so simple.
“Think hard, Atlas. Do you think I would have given our child up for adoption if there wasn’t a damn good reason
to? Do you think it was easy for me to say goodbye to my child, all the while raising another that would never know?
his sister or the depths of love I felt for her?”
“How the fuck would I know?” He snarls, startling me. “You hid my goddamn child from me, Em. Both of them. My son never knew how much his father wanted him, and my daughter will barely look at me after the shit she had to go through because of you and your choices. You did that, Em. You. To me. To Gemma. And to Diesel, God rest his soul. Our fucking family is in ruins because of you doing what you thought was best. And now, when the going is tough, you’re going to take off and leave us to it. No, I don’t fucking think so.”
The stark anger in Atlas’ voice frightens me. Not because I think he would hurt me, but because I’ve never seen this side of him before. Again, his reaction is my fault, so I will own this too.
“You’re right, I did. And just to make sure you have ammunition to attack me with later, I’d do it all over again if I had to,” I reply succinctly desperately trying to swallow the lump building in my throat.
“Jesus, woman, do you fucking hear yourself?” Atlas growls. “You’re actually standing here telling me you’d lie, cheat, and steal from me if given the opportunity for a do-over? Fuck, did I ever know you? Because straight up, the woman standing in front of me is not the woman I fell in love with.”
Absolutely gutted, unable to withstand anymore, I gather my bags, I throw one over my shoulder and grasp the
handles of the other two in each of my hands.
“Yes, that’s exactly what I�
�m saying,” I murmur so quietly, I know he has trouble hearing my voice above his heartbeat pounding in his ears.
“If you walk out that door without explaining yourself,
you’re not the woman I thought you were. My Emmy would never be so fucking cold and cruel. My Emmy wouldn’t rip my heart out and stomp on it like this,” he states resolutely to my retreating back.
If I weren't already gone in all but the physical sense, the hatred my husband conveyed in those few words would have slain me. But I was. My mental and emotional reserves were tapped out, leaving only the broken shell of a woman behind.
“And therein lies the problem,” I whisper without turning around. “Deep down, you honestly believe that everything I did was driven out of the selfish need to protect myself. There’s not one thing I could say or do to change your mind, and you know it. You have already painted me as the villain in our story, and that’s a role I’m more than happy to play if it suits your purposes.”
With a deep sigh, I glance over my shoulder and try to focus on the love of my life, all the while tears I had no hope in hell of holding back stream unchecked from my eyes.
“I have unconditionally loved three people in my life; you and our two children. I can admit that I made mistakes, hundreds of them. But not once, not ever, did I think you were one of them. Not until today. I love you, Atlas, but I
won’t be your emotional punching bag. Not over this. When you’re ready to hear all of it, I’ll drop everything and come back to give it to you. Until then, I want you to think long and hard about whether you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Because if you can’t, I see little hope for a future together. I won’t live in the past with you, Atlas. I can’t. I’m barely holding myself together as we speak; I won’t be able to hold up to years of your contempt and disapproval. I may have earned every ounce of your mistrust and condemnation, but I can’t live with it being thrown in my face every time I turn around.”
“Then for Christ’s sake, explain it to me. Explain why you stole my son and daughter from me. Explain why, not once, did you come to me for help. Tell me how it was for you back then, and make me understand why you’d chose to lie instead of telling me the truth. Give me something to hold onto, Em. I’m begging here, baby.”
Staring straight ahead at the framed picture of Atlas and me on our wedding day, I give him the last piece of me that I have to give. The last part I can.
“Do you remember the day you rode out of the forecourt with Gwen on the back of your bike, and you saw me standing with Hoss?” I ask, hoping I don’t have to go into more detail.
“Yeah,” he rumbles angrily.
“That was the day I gathered the courage to tell you about Gemma, but I ran into Hoss first. I told him that I was going to tell you I was pregnant and she was yours. I told
him that I had loved you for years, and I was sick of hiding it. Do you know what he said to me? Do you want to guess the next words that came out of his mouth?”
A sharp inhalation, followed by a muttered curse sounds behind me, but I forge ahead.
“He told me that you and Gwen were expecting a baby. That she was four months along in her pregnancy and that you couldn’t have been happier. He said that you had proposed, given her a ring, and it was only a matter of time before she was wearing your property patch. When I asked him if you were truly happy, if Gwen made you that way, he gave me an unequivocal, yes. There was no doubt in his voice, not a shred of hesitation as he told me that you were the happiest you had ever been. So, yes, I made a decision. And, yes, it was the wrong one. But God, Atlas, what was I supposed to do? You were engaged to another woman – a woman that was carrying your child. I was alone, raising a teenage son, pregnant, and scared out of my mind. Hoss made me promise not to tell you unless something changed. For years nothing did, and by then, it was too late. Gemma was gone, Diesel was grown, and again, I was alone. The only difference being, I was used to it by then. So, no, I didn’t tell you. And to this day, if Gemma hadn’t shown up, I wouldn’t have.”
“Emmy,” he says with a hint of warning to tread carefully in his tone.
“No, Atlas. You wanted the truth, now you have some of it. The rest is for another day when I know you will listen and absorb its importance. Today is not that day. You’re angry, that’s something I understand. Intimately. And something else I understand is that anger and reason do not
cohabitate together. You’re blinded by what you view is my betrayal, and for that, I am more sorry than you will ever know. But until you can see the situation clearly, for what it is, not what you perceive it to be, then there’s no more to say.”
This is the first time in recent memory that I have gotten
the last word where Atlas is concerned. Usually, he interrupts and takes over the conversation, guiding it toward an outcome he has predetermined. But not this time, or should I say, not until he grates out his last and only ultimatum. Yeah, I should have known it was too good to be true and that he couldn’t leave well enough alone.
“You leave, and we’re through. I mean it, Emmy. If you walk out that door, there’s no coming back. I don’t give the first fuck what your reasons are. If you walk away from me now, we’re done.”
And just like that, my life as I knew it is over. Again. However, this time it’s different. This time, I don’t regret leaving because I know with absolute certainty it’s the right thing to do. That it’s the only thing to do.
CHAPTER THREE
~ Sarge ~
The beginning of forever
Somewhere on a highway in Tampa, forty-five years ago…
After hearing about how the sweet, innocent, beauty beside me came to be sitting on a stool in a rundown diner in the middle of nowhere, I wanted nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and protect her. My instinct all but screamed at me to do it, but I resisted the urge barely, knowing that the thoughts I was having about her would probably freak her the fuck out.
It wasn’t lost on me that as soon as she started speaking, I realized that I knew her. At first, I couldn’t place where I’d seen her before, but on hearing where she has traveled from, it only took me a matter of seconds to work it out. She was Skull’s girl. The daughter of my President. The woman I saw once for a little more than a fleeting moment two years ago. Not to mention, the only woman on the planet I was forbidden to touch.
That alone should have deterred me, knowing the hell I’d incur if I laid even one finger on her, but it didn’t. I was
young, stupid, and obsessed with the vision in front of me, and I could no more have stopped looking at her than I could have stopped breathing.
Listening to her talk about the bitches that practically dropped her off on the side of the road to fend for herself pisses me the fuck off. Those cunts’, the ones who claim to be her friends, could have got Emily hurt, or worse. But as angry as I am at them, I’m furious at the piece of shit ex she left behind.
As Emily speaks about her asshole ex, she becomes more animated, her face flushing as her hands move restlessly as if to punctuate her words. She tells me about her dad having to step in when the fuckwit raised his hand to her. She even promises that she’s done with him, regardless of his multiple attempts to apologize before she left. At that moment, I’m enraptured by the beauty sitting beside me. My sole focus is her, and only her. The rest of the world could melt away, but as long as she was by my side, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to give the first fuck.
Emily was everything I never knew I was looking for in a woman. Smart, strong, and insanely beautiful. I promised myself then that if she gave me a sign that she was interested too, that I would do everything in my power to make her mine.
And she did. Emily blinked up at me with those stunning wide eyes of hers and with that I was a goner. Stick a fork in me, I was done.
After driving her to an inexpensive, yet decent motel on the outskirts of town, I offered to pick her up later and take her to dinner. Emily readily agreed, just as
I had hoped. That was all it took; an invitation to dinner and she was as gone for me as I was for her.
We were inseparable after that. We spent three amazing weeks together, swimming, sightseeing, and getting to know each other. I knew our time would come to an end the second I told her who I was and how I came to be in Tampa, so I didn’t. I kept that shit to myself and enjoyed my time with her while I could.
It didn’t come as a surprise when Emily admitted she was a virgin during one particularly heavy make-out session in the back of my truck. I had gathered as much the first time I kissed her, I just hadn’t wanted to embarrass her by bringing it up.
As far as I was concerned, the fact that Emmy was untouched was a gift. Her innocence beguiled me, which in turn, made me feel like even more of an asshole. This woman was perfection personified. She was the light in the shadows. The reason I was willing to wage wars and do whatever it took to win. She was everything I didn’t deserve but desperately longed for at night. She was mine, and I’m selfish enough to admit it.
The night Emily gave herself to me – three weeks, two days, and six hours after I met her – I didn't realize it at the time, but she gave me the most precious gift I'd ever receive.
Sarge: Book 8 in the Vengeance MC series Page 5