Failing was easier when she was our leader. With the other leader. The man. I failed like this.
That’s fucking it. I’ve fucking had it. She’s got to fucking go.
Twice. At least for me. The first was a failure I already mentioned.
He said get out. He said this is the last straw.
The woman said shut up. She said it’s only forty bucks. She said we told her to forget her name and she did. That’s one test she passed. She’s the champion of forgetting.
I was the champion of forgetting.
After that they called me champ. Except the leader. The man who was our leader. Or forgetful if I forgot something and failed another test. But that time she called me champ.
We went to another motel and it was not my turn to register for a room. Never again.
The last time. At least for me. At least so far. The leader said that’s fucking it. I’ve fucking had it. You’ve got to fucking go.
His face was standing over mine and spit and bready breath flew out of his mouth. His hands were fists.
Another hand. The woman’s. It came out of the door and put itself on the man’s shoulder. The hand’s voice said his name. I don’t remember. It said calm down.
But he didn’t calm down. He threw a fit. He punched the walls and kicked and his kicks knocked over the containers full of melted ice and the water spilled over the carpet and made dark shapes on it.
He didn’t care. He kept punching and kicking until he was too tired to punch and kick anymore and hunched over with his hands on his knees.
He looked up at me with just his eyes and said get out. He said that was the last straw.
I was too scared to get out of the way of his punching and kicking. I was still just sitting there with my back against the wall and I didn’t get up or get out.
Go he said. He said leave now.
The woman said we’ll take care of that later. She said first we need more ice.
A door opened down the hall and a head peeked out. The head said everything all right out there and the woman said go mind your own business.
My business was ice. I started to get up to gather the bucket and the trash cans and the mugs and the coffee pot but she said to just stay there.
She put her hands on the shoulders of the leader and walked him back into the room. She came out with the other man and they gathered up all the empty containers and took them down the hall to fill them and came back with the full containers and went back into the room.
The door closed behind them. They forgot to put something in it. I just sat there waiting until I fell asleep.
When I woke up they were in the room yelling. All of them. One of them said she won’t even remember. Because I’m the champion of forgetting. One said but I like doing surgery on her and another one said another good reason not to keep her around.
The woman said let’s do it and get out of here quick.
The door opened and I looked up. It was the woman. She said come on champ.
I got up slow and walked into the room.
I was nervous. I didn’t know if it was a test. I thought it was a test because everyone was looking at me but what kind of test is come on other than come into the room.
They were all standing there with their coats on and carrying their bags. All except the boy they had done sex to. The bathroom door was closed.
The woman. She had the ice bucket. She said we’re going to go.
Do something the leader said. We’re going to go do something. He said we have a special job for you while we do something.
We’re making you the leader of you and the boy in the bathtub.
I asked if it was a test. The man said yes this is a test. He said make sure you have enough ice for when we get back and remember not to remember your name. The other man said or ours and the rest of them said it again. Or ours.
Then the woman said let’s go and they went.
I just stayed there making sure my name was forgotten. The way I did this was to try to remember it and not be able to. It was a test that happened inside me and I always passed once I invented it.
It took me a long time to invent it because first I had to make sure I forgot it. After it was my turn to get the motel room I knew I could pass whenever I wanted. I was pretty sure there was enough ice.
I was about to tell myself that I had passed the test when our leader came back in. He was breathing hard so I guessed he made it all the way to the van before he remembered he forgot something important.
I was afraid he was going to make the boy in the bathtub the leader of me and the boy in the bathtub but he just looked at me and went in the bathroom.
I heard him in the bathroom going through something plastic. The bathroom door was open but I stayed where I was. Maybe a bag. Maybe the mini trash bag in the mini trash can. I couldn’t tell from the bedroom.
The sound stopped and he came out. He had a needle and a scalpel in his hand and he was wiping them off with a washcloth one at a time walking toward me.
I asked him if I passed the test. I asked him if I was still the leader of me and the boy in the bathtub. He just kept walking toward me wiping the scalpel and the needle with the washcloth.
When he got to me he held out his left hand. The washcloth was spread out on it like a tablecloth and the needle and the scalpel were laid out on it like a fork and a knife. Or knife and knife.
He said hold these and I held out my left hand like he was holding his so that I could just slide the whole thing onto my hand like in the magic trick except bringing the silverware with it.
He said no. He said just the scalpel and the needle.
So I took just the scalpel and the needle. It was full of sleep stuff. I took it with my left hand and closed it around them. I wondered if I was supposed to hold one in each hand.
I asked him if I passed and he said the test wasn’t over yet. He said remember not to remember our names. Or yours.
I asked him if I was still the leader of me and the boy in the bathtub and he said I’ve got to go champ and went.
That was the only time he called me champ. So far. It sounded funny. Like it was my name. But I did the test of trying to remember my name and couldn’t.
I remembered that champ was short for a job. The champion of forgetting.
By then I thought the ice might be melting or melted. I knew how long it took ice to melt. That was my job. But I didn’t know what happened once the ice had melted. We always left after the sex. I didn’t know what happened when the boy or girl woke up from the nap.
I went over to the bathroom door and knocked with the hand that wasn’t holding the needle or scalpel. The boy didn’t answer. I knocked again. I hoped I wasn’t disturbing him. There was no do not disturb sign on the doorknob.
I knocked again. I opened the door. I walked in.
The bathroom looked empty. Clean like when you first get the motel room. It made me want to sit on the toilet. Usually there was pee on the seat and trash in the trash and scalpels and towels and needles and shampoo bottles everywhere. The only good time was when you just got there.
The shower curtain was closed but I knew the boy was behind it. I said I’m going to pee so don’t look. I pulled down my pants and sat on the toilet but I was nervous the boy would look so I couldn’t go. I got up and got dressed.
I said you can look now but he didn’t.
I asked him if he was behind the curtain. I asked him if he was decent. He didn’t answer so I pulled the curtain open with my free hand and looked in. To check on the ice. And the boy because I was the leader of me and him.
The ice was melting but not melted. The boy was behind the curtain but not decent. He was naked on his back on the ice and I could see his whole front.
I told him it was okay. I told him I was our leader now. For now. But he didn’t answer. I reached down and touched his shoulder. I shoved his shoulder but he didn’t wake up. He was cold.
As the leader I had to do some
thing about his indecency and his coldness. Also the ice. I had to not remember my name or theirs while I did it.
I was used to being the champion of forgetting so I wasn’t worried about remembering but I had to stop and think about the indecency and the coldness and the ice. I wouldn’t be able to get his clothes on him or warm him up without taking him off the ice but why would I make sure there was enough ice if he wasn’t on it.
Then I thought of a thing that would kill two of the birds with one blanket and it was a blanket. I went back into the bedroom. There were two beds and one cot. The beds had a comforter and a blanket on them but the cot only had a blanket.
I didn’t know how long it would be until the others would get back and they would need the beds and the blankets on them so at first I was going to give him the blanket from my cot.
Then I remembered that I was the leader of me and the boy in the bathtub so I did a pros and cons and I made a decision like a leader and I pulled the comforters and the blankets and even sheets off both beds.
While I was pulling everything off the beds the hand holding the scalpel and needle dropped the scalpel and needle but my hands were full so I left them.
In the bathroom I dropped everything else on the floor and picked them up one at a time and put them on the boy in the bathtub. I tucked them in between his shoulders and the ice until the floor was clear again and the boy looked decent and maybe getting warm.
When I pulled my hands away from the last tuck I saw that they were wet and remembered that I was going to get ice. I went around the rooms and picked up the mini trash cans and the coffee mugs and the coffee pot.
They took the ice bucket with them. They always did after sex.
I had to put the mugs down to open the door so I put the mugs down. Then I remembered the needle and scalpel and got worried they would come back while I was getting ice and see that I had got ice without the needle and scalpel so I went and picked them up and dropped them in a mini trash can.
I opened the door and picked the mugs back up and went down the hall to get ice.
It took me a long time to fill all the containers with ice because the ice machine was taking a long time to make the ice and let go of it. So long that I thought about going to the one at the other end of the hall which sometimes worked.
I hoped that everyone would not get back and find the boy alone in the bathtub of melted ice without his leader but then all of the containers were full.
When I got back to the door of our motel room I shouldered it like I usually do to get in but it was closed and locked. My shoulder just made a thud against the door. It was either me or the boy in the bathtub. I didn’t hear anything on the other side of the door. The inside.
I wanted to knock on the door to see if the boy would let me in but I couldn’t because my hands were full of containers full of ice. It reminded me that there was probably no ice left for the boy in the bathtub and I worried about my leadership skills. I put the ice down so I could have the choice of knocking and do it.
I knocked. I listened. I didn’t hear anything. I knocked again. I didn’t hear anything.
I whispered into the door. I whispered like a yell. Boy in the bathtub. This is your leader. Can you hear me. If you can hear me let me in.
I don’t think he could hear me. He didn’t let me in. I didn’t remember if I left the bathroom door closed or open. If I left it closed he couldn’t hear me through two doors. But if I left it open I did not know why he didn’t answer me.
I was scared he woke up while I was taking a long time getting ice and left because I was taking such a long time. That he got mad at me because he woke up without enough ice. That it was all a trick to see if I was a good leader and I was not a good leader and I had failed another test.
I whispered into the door. I whispered like a yell.
I don’t remember my name.
I said I don’t remember our names.
I yelled I am the champion of forgetting.
I am the champion of forgetting.
I am the champion of forgetting.
A door opened down the hall and a head peeked out. The head said everything all right out there. I turned to the head and stopped yelling.
Everything was not all right out there but everything had not been all right out there before and the girl had told the head to go mind its own business.
I did a pros and cons and told the head to go mind its own business but it didn’t go mind its own business. It peeked out more to its shoulders and an arm. It said what’s all that stuff.
Because it didn’t mind its own business I didn’t know what happened next so I told it to go mind its own business again. I told it it did it before but it was a body now and it was coming toward me looking at all the containers full of ice like it was very curious about them.
It said your ice is melting. It said what do you need all that ice for.
I said mind your own business. I yelled mind your own business.
Mind your own business. Go.
But his arm reached out and grabbed my arm and pulled and I was in his room with the door closed behind us and him between me and it almost right away.
I screamed. A little bit nothing and then let me out.
He said shut up. He said I only took you in here to get you to stop screaming. I’ll let you go when you stop screaming.
I stopped screaming.
He put his hands in his long hair and turned around and walked away from me. Then he walked back toward me. He looked like I failed another test. I started to worry that this was another test.
He said now what was all the ice for.
I said is this another test.
He said I asked you first.
I said you said you’d let me go if I stopped screaming.
He said first tell me what all the ice is for.
Fuck it if it is a test. And was it a test.
I tried to run past him but he was too big. He just pushed me back and I fell over. I got back up and tried to run past him again. This time I ducked his arm and when he tried to block me with his body I shoved the needle into his belly and pushed the button and pulled the needle back out.
At first he just looked surprised. Then he fell over face first.
After the stuff puts them to sleep the second needle takes out blood for the real test. I didn’t know what happened in that test. What the girl does in the bathroom. But I had seen them do the sex and I had a scalpel.
I squatted down and sat on him like a horse and used it to cut open his shirt. His back was hairy and even though there was nobody around I got nervous that someone would find out if I failed this test so my hand shook and I scratched him a little with the scalpel in the wrong place.
Then I put the scalpel in the right place. The skin there was the balloon and the meat was the meat. I poked through the balloon but not as hard as before and slid it down like I saw them do. Then I pulled the skin apart and pulled out the meat. It looked like the others.
I almost cried I was so happy.
Instead I looked around for his ice bucket. It was right on the counter. I went and got it but it was empty. I put the meat in anyway and the top back on.
I went to go get the ice which was melting. This time I remembered to put a thing in the door to keep it from locking. It was his shoe.
I brought back the ice and put a little of the ice in the ice bucket with the meat like they did and dumped the rest in the bathtub. There wasn’t much so I went back with all of the containers and filled them all which took a long time again and dumped them in the bathtub.
Usually when they put them in the bathtub they were smaller and two or three of them did it but there was only me. At first I tried to wake him up so we could do it together.
I said I am your leader. Wake up and help me get you in the bathtub. But he didn’t wake up.
I tried to lift him up but he was too heavy. I tried to pull him by his arms but they slipped out of my hands. Then I tried his
hair. He had long hair for me to get my hands in and I got my hands in and when I pulled, he budged. I pulled again harder and he budged a little more but not enough.
I did a pros and cons and realized I would never get him in the bathtub at this slowness so I went to the bathtub and filled all the containers with its ice and dumped them on him. On the floor. I hoped it would keep him cold enough.
Then I remembered the other boy I was the leader of. I took the ice bucket with the man’s meat and the empty containers and went to go get more ice for him but I left the man’s shoe in the door in case I needed to lead him anymore.
When I got back to the old room with all of the ice I put the ice down but kept the covered ice bucket in my hands. I knocked and said are you awake yet but the boy didn’t answer. So I waited. I sat down next to the ice with my back against the wall to my right of the door and the bucket in my arms and waited and fell asleep.
When I woke up there was a cart with garbage bags and towels in front of me and a maid standing over me saying do you want your bed made. I remembered that she could not make the bed because all of the makings were tucked around the boy in the bathtub if he was still in the bathtub.
I looked up at the door and saw the do not disturb sign on the doorknob. Do not disturb I said.
She said did your mom and dad lock you out.
I tried to remember their names for once and were the names Mom and Dad. I pictured the boy in the bathtub and thought Mom. I kept the picture and thought Dad. I didn’t think he was Mom or Dad but I didn’t know if he locked me out. Even if he did I was still his leader and I had to get back in to lead him.
Nobody locked me out or I don’t know his name I said. I think I would like my bed made after all.
The maid put her key into the lock and the door opened. I slipped by her into the room. I heard a groan and saw that the bathroom door was left open.
I said I don’t want my bed made anymore. I pointed to the do not disturb sign with the hand that wasn’t holding the ice bucket and said do not disturb. The maid shook her head but walked away and stopped disturbing me for then.
The Awful Possibilities Page 4