“There’s still a lot up in the air,” she said. “Nothing has been resolved. Well, you must see that this is not the time to stop your medication. When all of this is over, that’s the time to begin weaning you off. Not now, for heaven’s sake. Please listen to me.”
I rubbed my eyes and leaned my head back. “I can’t think any more.”
“Which is why I think it might be a good time for you to consider letting me admit you to the hospital for a week or two, to get you away from the stress.”
“You mean a psych ward?”
“I’m talking about a therapeutic, in-patient environment.”
“So, a psych ward.”
“I have a lovely place in mind,” she continued, “a peaceful facility near here where you can get your mental balance back. I’m worried that your GAD will get out of control and lead you into more serious problems, if it hasn’t already.”
“Are you kidding? No way! Jack would never stay with me. What do you think that would do to my so-called mental balance?”
“I don’t need your permission, Audrey, if I think you’re on a dangerous path.”
My temper skyrocketed, maybe out of fear and maybe out of disbelief; she’d said it so quickly it was obvious she’d been thinking of that as her Plan B before today. “Go to hell!” I said, and I grabbed my purse and left, slamming the door behind me.
I drove erratically all the way home and was shocked that I hadn’t been pulled over. What nerve she has, I thought. How arrogant to say that she could decide for me! I would not be admitted to any psych ward. That was the end of Dr. Steele.
A vision of me choking the daylights out of her flashed in my head. I saw myself squeezing that scrawny bird-neck of hers, as her face reddened and contorted. I could feel my thumbs pressing harder and harder on the soft flesh of her throat, until her trachea collapsed and her tongue lolled out of her mouth, like a dead dog I’d seen once on TV.
Shaking and sweating, I pulled into the parking area behind my apartment, managed to gather up my mail, and climbed the stairs. I tried to put the key into the lock but my hands wouldn’t be still; I could almost feel Carl’s gun in my back. I dropped the key and it fell through a crack in the decking, down to the gravel below. I wanted to scream, but diners were seated on both levels. Clenching my teeth, choking on my fury, I went back down the stairs, dropping and recovering two pieces of mail along the way. I finally retrieved my key, and went back up; this time I was able to let myself in.
I threw everything on the couch, wanting nothing more than to tear off the clothes that were strangling me. Piece by piece, I ripped them off and flung them aside, like a pissed-off exotic dancer, then ran through the kitchenette, into the bathroom, and into the shower, all the while hearing Dr. Steele’s voice in my head, threatening to put me away. As I turned on the water, I was overcome with a feeling of abject helplessness, wretched enough to weaken my knees. I sank to the floor, hugging myself and sobbing; I rocked back and forth until the water turned cold and forced me out.
Naked and wet, I paced my small apartment, wringing my hands, until I spotted the mail I’d dumped on the sofa. A bubble envelope, like the one Harley had sent to me before, lay partially covered by junk mail and bills; I picked it up and tore it open. The note inside read: May 13, same time. Like before, just you and me. H.
Harley wanted to Skype again. In two days. Already on overload, I stared at this new communication from her. What would she reveal this time? What new piece of the puzzle would she provide? I paced back and forth, faster and faster, tugging at my hair, so unfocused, that when someone knocked on the door, I just opened it.
“Whoa!” said Jack. “What are you doing? Back up so I can close the door.”
“What?”
“You opened the door in the buff, that’s what!”
I looked down at myself, horrified to see I was naked. “Oh, my God!” I grabbed the afghan from the sofa and wrapped it around myself.
“What’s going on?” Concern wrinkled his brow. “What if it hadn’t been me?”
“I, I don’t know,” I stammered. “I had a very upsetting session with Dr. Steele – she wants to admit me to a psycho ward!” You weren’t going to tell him that! I screamed inside my head. He’ll leave you now!
“She said that?”
“She claims it’s to get me away from this God-awful stress so I can gain back my mental balance, but I know what she means,” I said, unable to shut myself up. “She thinks I need to be put away. She said she doesn’t need my permission to do it!”
“Okay, calm down. You know I’m on your side, right?”
I nodded. “But you have no say in it. If she wants to go to court and get me put away, she can. With or without you.”
“Listen, go put something on and then come back and we’ll talk.”
I let the afghan fall to the ground. “Make love to me, Jack. Prove you love me.”
He took me in his arms and held me. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until the warmth of him seeped into my skin. He kissed the top of my head, and then whispered, “Not like this. Now go get dressed.”
When I returned, he was holding the note from Harley. “Another one? When did this come?”
“Today. Just now.”
“I’m on security detail that day,” he said. “She never gives you much notice, does she.”
I shook my head. “I’ll record the whole thing and play it for you. Listen, Jack – I’m so sorry about –”
“About what?” he smiled. “Answering the door in your birthday suit?”
“I’m so embarrassed,” I said. “I was in such a state.”
“I’m not complaining; I could look at you naked all day long. I just need you to ask who’s at the door before you open it – you know,” he chided, “to be sure it’s me and not the luckiest-ever Jehovah’s Witness, or some impressionable little Girl Scout selling cookies.”
“It’s just that Dr. Steele,” I started.
“Obviously I don’t know her, never met her, but I’m sure she has your best interest at heart. She probably didn’t mean she was going to send the men in white coats after you, she probably meant she wants you to get away for a while.”
“So you’re taking her side now?”
“Of course not – and you need to stop and think before you say something like that to me.”
“You’d better leave, Jack.”
“Audrey!”
“I mean it. I want you to go.”
He opened the door, but stopped and looked back at me. “You’d better consider going back on your medication. I can only do so much for you, Audrey, and I sure as hell can’t do that.” He left, slamming the door as he did.
No, no, no, no, no! Now I was turning Jack against me and there would be no one left – no one but Harley.
For the next day and a half, I bided my time looking for an apartment, and finally found a complex of efficiencies under construction not too far away. Units would not be ready for a couple of months, and the deposit required to reserve one, was thankfully an amount I could afford.
When Monday arrived, and I was mentally preparing myself to talk to Harley, I realized I’d forgotten that yesterday was Mother’s Day. I dug through my kitchen drawer for a marker and then proceeded to black out the entire day on my calendar, making sure no white showed through. It was something I did every year. The tradition had almost slipped by me this year with so much else on my mind. That done, it was time to set up my laptop; in an hour Harley’s face would appear on my monitor. I’d picked up a new pack of cassettes and loaded one into the recorder, and just to be sure, put in new batteries. Then I placed it on the table, just out of the monitor’s range.
My phone rang, and Jack’s picture appeared on the screen. I had ignored three other calls from him, so I decided to answer this time. “Hello?”
“Audrey, it’s me.”
“I know. What do you want?” My heart ached. I missed him so, but I couldn’t take a chance that he
would not only agree with Dr. Steele, but might work in concert with her to put me in some institution where I’d never get out.
“You may not want to talk to me,” he said, “but I wanted to give you a heads-up. Danny Stearns’ trial is about to get underway, and you’ll be called to testify. Someone from the Rochester PD will be getting in touch with you in the next day or two. I didn’t want it to come as a shock.”
“I appreciate that. Thank you.”
“Also,” he said, “it was confirmed that Danny Stearns’ DNA was inside that ski mask, but you knew it would be. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Jack, thanks. But I have to go now.” I clicked off and his face disappeared from the screen.
I turned on my laptop and the recorder, wondering how I would be able to mask the anger I still felt toward Harley after our last conversation. I was hoping to get new information from her, and I knew that being pissy was not going to help my cause. I did some slow breathing and waited for the Skype tone to tell me she was calling. Within a few minutes, she was there.
Chapter 26
She had changed her appearance. Her long, smooth dark hair was now shorter than mine, and choppy. And red. I thought of Lisa and wondered who had done the job on Harley.
“Hi Aud,” she waved.
I waved back, “Wow, do you look different!”
“Like it?” she giggled.
“I was surprised to get your note,” I said. “After the last time, I didn’t know if you’d ever get back in touch or not. I’m glad you did, because I wanted you to know that Carl came to the office. He had a gun.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the wheels in the recorder turn.
“Oh, no! What did he want?”
“I guess he wanted to see if he could scare me into telling him where you are. I told him over and over that I didn’t know, but then he tried to make me go upstairs with him and it scared the crap out of me. I was terrified!”
“Oh, God, Audrey, he didn’t hurt you did he?”
“No, in fact, I grabbed the crystal nameplate you gave me and put it through that little window on the staircase. That sucker is heavy; it smashed the glass all to hell and set off the alarm.”
“So he ran?”
“He tried, but the police arrested him. He’s in jail, just like Danny Stearns.”
She paused for a moment, then asked, “Do you remember when I was in the hospital and you told me that I was going to come stay with you in the office and you wouldn’t take no for an answer? Remember how in charge you were?”
“Yes. And I think that was the last time I felt that way.”
“Well, now I’m going to return the favor. I’m going to send you a one-way ticket. I’ll send it to the post office box. Do you still have the key?”
“Of course, but…”
“No buts about it – I’ll overnight it to you. You can stay with me.”
“Where are you?”
“Let it be a surprise. But pack light. We aren’t going anywhere cold.”
“I don’t know how I’d pull that off – what I’d do with all my things.”
“Audrey, what did you tell me? You said, leave it and get new stuff! It’s a new life! Start over!”
I didn’t know what to do. As angry as I was with her, she had separated herself from the three men, and she did seem to genuinely want to help me escape this life that was so overwhelming. I stopped for a moment to think of what I’d be leaving behind if I took Harley up on her offer. Sadly, the answer was not much. Nothing I couldn’t replace. My landlords could sell off the contents of my apartment and ditto for the guy I rented the office from. And Jack? Well, in the long run, Jack would be better off without me, just like Eddie.
“You don’t want to testify, do you?” she asked, “and you don’t want to end up in that booby hatch, right?”
“Right.”
“So come on - I can tell by your face that you’re thinking about it. I’ll overnight the ticket. It’ll be there tomorrow.”
“I’ll do it,” I said, with hope bubbling up in my chest. “It’s the perfect way out for me.”
We said goodbye and I closed up the laptop, wondering if I should take it with me. I’d heard a hard drive contained everything, even deleted material, and I thought Jack could probably find my conversation with Harley on it. I didn’t know what a hard drive looked like, let alone know what to do with one. I had an idea and slid the machine into its case.
I carried the laptop next door to the salon and set it on Lisa’s desk. “Hey Girl,” I said. Lisa was in the middle of giving a man a Telly Savalas – in other words, shaving his head. While Telly’s head was beautifully shaped, smooth, and the same color as his face, this man’s skull was small, pink, and wrinkled. Not a good look – but you could tell he thought he was hot.
After he left, Lisa pointed to the laptop. “What’s this?”
“I want you to have it!” Excitement at escaping my life had overtaken me to the point where I was giddy. I could feel my face stretch into an absurd smile, but seeing the confusion on Lisa’s face brought me back with a thud. “I’m leaving, and I can’t take much with me.”
“You’re moving already? Why can’t you take your stuff?” I started to cry and Lisa went to the door and locked it. “Audrey! You’re up, you’re down, what’s the matter?”
“I can only tell you if you promise not to breathe a word. Not even to Jack.”
“Of course, you know I wouldn’t.”
“I’m going to meet Harley. I have to leave. Danny Stearns’ trial is coming up and I cannot – I mean I cannot – testify. My therapist wants to commit me. Jack and I are on the outs, and I’ve just had it. I can’t take any more.”
“Harley? I thought she flew the coop? You know where she is?”
“No.”
“Oh, Audrey, you are not making any sense! How can you go with Harley if you don’t know where she is?”
I explained how Harley was sending me a plane ticket. “I won’t know where I’m going until I see it.”
“Well, did she tell you to bring a passport?”
“No, and I don’t have one.”
“Then she’s still in the country somewhere.”
“I can get into Canada and Mexico with my driver’s license – she could be in one of those places, I guess.”
“This does not sound like the greatest idea,” she said. “Are you sure this isn’t just a gigantic knee-jerk reaction? I mean, what about Jack? You’re ready to just leave this guy you’re so crazy about?”
“Don’t try to talk me out of it, please! I’ve made up my mind. You’ve got my spare key. Go through the apartment after I’m gone and help yourself to whatever you want. I’m taking only a few things with me.” I pulled a key out of my pocket and pressed it into her hand. “This is my spare to Nelly. And here,” I said, as I pulled paperwork out of another pocket, “is the title and registration. I signed it all over to you. Take good care of her, okay?”
Lisa started to cry. “I can’t take your Jeep, Audrey.”
“You have to. Otherwise she’ll get sold, and I want to know she’s in good hands.”
“Are you ever coming back?”
“I don’t know,” I sobbed. “But remember, not a word of this.” We hugged for a long time and then said goodbye.
I went back to my apartment and popped two happy pills, then pulled the tape of my conversation with Harley out of the cassette and cut it into little pieces.
Chapter 27
Jack called, and not wanting him to remember me angry, I invited him over. By the time he arrived, I was in a better frame of mind, and fixed him dinner from food I had in the fridge; less to throw out before I went to meet Harley.
After we ate, we sat on the sofa, my head on his shoulder. “So what did Harley have to say?” he asked.
“No big revelations this time.”
“Huh,” he said. “So, where are you going?”
Startled, I sat up and looked at him, “What?�
�
“You found a new place, right? A new apartment?”
“Oh, yes,” I breathed, and settled back.
“I’ll help you pack up when it’s time.” I didn’t respond. “At least we’ll get to watch one parade from your window together,” he said. “You made it sound like fun.”
“It is.”
“You’re quiet tonight – one or two-word answers and no enthusiasm. You feel okay?”
“I’m fine Jack. Can you stay tonight?”
“That’s more like it,” he said. “I was hoping you’d ask.” I turned to him and stared at his wonderful face, taking in every laugh line and worry wrinkle. His Irish eyes and ruddy skin – he was everything I’d ever wanted. And I was going to walk out on him in a matter of days. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him – a lingering kiss that I could remember.
Taking the kiss as a signal, he stood up and unbuttoned his shirt, untucked the ends, and pulled it off. He tossed it on the sofa beside me. “Now you,” he whispered.
I was amazed, as I always was, at the well-defined muscles in his arms and shoulders, and the spectacle of them brought me to my feet. I pulled my T-shirt over my head and dropped it next to his. He unbuttoned his jeans, pushed them to the floor, and stepped out of them. I did the same. With one swoop, he picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, where we scrambled out of our underwear and fell onto the bed.
He slid his hands and mouth over me, igniting a hunger that I’d not yet experienced. I fought to lay still, resist the urge to give in to my yearning for him, and let him continue to press his lips and fingers into my flesh, but I couldn’t wait – I reached for him and brought him down on top of me.
We spent the night moving in concert, rising and falling together, calling to each other, responding to each other. He breathed, I moaned. He whispered my name, I whimpered. At last we rested, tied in a human knot. No one dared to move, for fear of triggering a reaction that would motivate us to go again, when neither of us had an ounce of energy left.
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