by Helen Line
‘I missed you Sir Justaboy.’ I smiled at him as warmly as I could, actually I didn’t have to fake it. I had a deep warm sensation at the sight of him.
His small, freckled face crumpled into that of a much younger child as he tried to make sense of what didn’t make sense.
‘Princess?’ he whispered.
I nodded. ‘Yes Richard, it was me. I was the princess and you were my knight, Sir Justaboy, and we rode through the forest together on white ponies.’
He fled across the room like a small hurricane and launched himself onto me. Pain shot through my broken arm as he landed but it didn’t matter. I found myself hugging this small boy with every ounce of my being and our tears mingled and merged into one narrow river.
‘Princess, I was so scared,’ he sobbed. ‘I tried calling you when he drove into the sea but you had gone.’
‘I know,’ I sobbed back at him. ‘I am so sorry to have left you.’
‘It’s a good thing she did.’ Tom’s voice was also thick with tears. ‘It was when she left you that Rae woke up from a coma and told the police how to find you.’
‘You did rescue me, you did.’ The small body shook with emotion.
‘I suppose I did.’
I really hadn’t thought of it that way before. We hugged some more until our tears finally dried up.
Janet had seated herself in the armchair next to the fireplace, it was probably a case of sit down before she fell down judging from the look of her. The poor woman was white and shaking and she also had tears pouring down her face, though she made no sound at all.
‘I’ll put the kettle on and then we can talk.’ Tom said as he strode back out of the room.
Janet was shaking her head now as if to clear her thinking. Richard and I just hugged each other and shared watery smiles.
Between us we put the pieces of the story together until Janet and Tom had a picture of the events that had happened from the moment Chris woke Richard up in the middle of the night until the moment the police found him on the beach.
By then poor Richard looked exhausted but he kept looking at me and smiling weak smiles that told me he was going to be ok.
Janet was a different matter. She had now been forced to hear what she really didn’t want to know and she had to decide how to deal with it.
‘I will never understand,’ she said, her voice only just above a whisper.
‘He was such a good man and he adored Richard. How could he have done this? What was he thinking? I knew he was getting worse but I never thought…..I never thought he would do anything like this.’
And then she burst into heart-rending sobs as she told us; ‘I loved him so much and now I think I hate him. If he wasn’t already dead I would kill the bastard.
I don’t know how to deal with this Tom.’
Tom put his arms around her and she seemed to shrivel somehow into him.
Richard was crying, silent tears that fell down his face and off the end of his chin without him even attempting to wipe them away.
‘Come and see Barney.’ I held out my hand to him.
He snatched at it as if it were a lifeline to a drowning man.
Barney worked his magic as usual and as he licked Richards salty tears from his face the boy began to giggle softly.
‘I thought I hated him too,’ he confided through a mass of golden fur.
‘But then I thought it was like having two Dads, a bad one and a good one and I still love the good one.’
How did such a youngster get to be so wise? I wondered as I looked at his earnest, tear-stained little face.
Janet’s face was drawn and her whole demeanour was deflated; her eyes looked sore and swollen from the shedding of copious amounts of tears. And yet, there was an air of peace around her that hadn’t been there before.
She forced a weak smile as I handed her a cup of strong tea.
‘Thanks Rae. Not just for the tea, I mean…thanks, for being there for Richard and…saving him. I am sorry you were so ill but I am so glad you were there for him when I couldn’t be.’
Her voice was as weak as the smile but the sentiment was genuine and went straight to my heart.
Richard climbed onto his mother’s lap, forcing her to hand me back the cup of tea. The two hugged each other in silence and the emotion in the room right then was so strong that I felt like an intruder. Looking across at Tom I could see he felt the same way so we silently crept back out into the kitchen and left the mother and son to their grief.
Richard
So, Mum didn’t really want me to go to Dad’s funeral, she said it would be too hard for me to cope with. I know it won’t. I’m scared or anything like that, just sad.
I take some flowers, big white ones with little purple ones mixed in and a lot of leaves. Mum pays for them for me and then I have to decide what to write on the little card. That is really hard ‘cos there isn’t enough room for everything I want to say so in the end I just write:
Love from Richard xxxx
Mum doesn’t do any flowers from her, she says she still hasn’t decided yet how she feels about him.
Usually when we go to church there are lots of people and sometimes they have to bring in extra seats from the back room. There aren’t many people in the church for the funeral though, just us and Grandma and Grandad and Rae and Pam.
I think Dad is probably there; Tom says most people go to their own funeral from the spirit world, so I keep smiling all around the church, ‘cos I don’t know which bit he is in and I want him to know I am OK with him.
Tom says some nice things about Dad to the people at the funeral. He calls him a man of principle (mum tells me later that means he stood by what he believed in) and tells everybody how Dad had helped some people from the church when they needed it. He doesn’t really mention what happened with me and at the end he just says that at last Dad is free from his torment.
Then they take the coffin away to another place but Mum won’t let me go to that bit. It doesn’t matter though, ‘cos I’m sure Dad knows I was at the church.
Me and Rae take Barney and Herman for a walk when the others go on to the other place. We walk through the woods and it’s a bit like being back in Narnia but without the ponies.
It’s really odd, Rae being the princess. I like it though ‘cos it means we can still be friends even though Narnia is gone. She says we can probably walk the dogs together like this some other times as well.
Rae is really pretty when she smiles and she smiled a lot more now, not like when she was coming to the house and arguing with Dad.
I tell her that I hope Dad is happy in the spirit world and that I hope he will come back through a medium at the church and let us know how he is doing.
‘I’m sure he will if he can,’ Rae says.
I tell her that Tom has been talking to me quite a lot. He says that one day I will be a brilliant medium, if I choose to be. He says it really is up to me. He says that he thinks I should wait until I am at least 17 before I think about it again though. And I tell her that I think that’s a good idea actually.
But I don’t tell her, like I didn’t tell Tom, that every night I ask for Dad to come and talk to me. He hasn’t been yet but I keep hoping.
And then I tell her that Tom says I should try writing down what happened to me and how I feel about it, ‘cos he says it will help me but I don’t think I can write it all down ‘cos some of it is bad. Rae thinks for a minute then she says,
‘I think that’s a good idea, why don’t I do it as well? It might help me too you know.’
So we agree to think about it and then Barney chases after a rabbit and I chase after Barney to make sure he doesn’t catch it.
Rae
I had been back at work for a couple of weeks; within a few days it had felt like I had never been away; I was catching up on a
backlog of paperwork when Pam came in flashing a sparkler on her third finger, left hand.
‘Oh my god Pam,’ I yelled, leaping to my feet and knocking paper everywhere.
‘Let me see that jewel.’
Her whole face was alight as she held out her hand for me to view the diamond.
‘I guess you finally got your man.’ I hugged her, thrilled for both of them.
‘And I aint letting him go this time,’ she drawled in a fake American accent.
‘This calls for coffee and a doughnut I think,’ I told her as I headed for the kitchen. ‘Then you can fill me in on all the details, like how did he do it? Did he go down on one knee?’
‘You know I have to confess that, in the beginning, I was very wary of your Tom. He seemed a little bit too good to be true and in my experience that usually meant that someone was hiding something really nasty.’
‘He’s a genuinely good man Rae, I have known him most of my life and he really is that caring. Mind you, he’s not a saint.’ She flushed as she said this and I guessed she was thinking of stuff that I didn’t really want to know about.
‘So how are you going to be with his Spiritualist stuff?’
‘Rae, I believe it, always have, although I hadn’t been to the church or anything.’
‘I never knew that.’ I was genuinely surprised that she had never mentioned this in all of our dealings with the Banks family.
She smiled at me and shook her head.
‘You never wanted to know.’
‘Tom tried to explain this Personal Responsibility thing to me once,’ I told her.
‘It sounded like something really good actually but I couldn’t seem to get it kick started and I couldn’t ask Tom more questions without having to tell him about Jim and stuff.’
‘How far did you get?’
So I told her how I had worked out that my weakness with Jim was due to fear and that I needed to be braver and stronger around him. I tried it and it did help a bit but it was hard to keep up because I still felt scared.
‘You made a good start but you didn’t go deep enough.’
‘What do you mean, deep enough?’
‘When you found out your weakness was due to fear did you ask yourself what you were afraid of?’
‘Him, I was afraid of him.’
She shook her head like a wise old owl.
‘Describe him to me.’
‘Well, he’s quite short, not much taller than me in fact, and he has dark hair and brown eyes and he likes things his own way and when he can’t get it he acts like one of our kids. He acts like he knows everything but really he didn’t have a good education and he tries to cover that up ‘cos it makes him feel inferior when he meets people who really do know what they are talking about.’
I stopped then, amazed at what I had just said. She just smiled at me encouragingly.
‘He has never had real success in his life,’ I was on a roll now. ‘So he has to take power where he can get it, like by putting people down and making himself feel superior.’
I felt high, like I had been taking something that made me rush with adrenaline.
‘And he has a little dick,’ I couldn’t resist adding with a giggle.
Pam threw back her head and roared with laughter and I joined in.
‘He’s quite pathetic really.’ I felt calmer then. ‘He is a small man with a huge complex, a bit like Chris Banks in some ways. Unable to fulfil their needs for their own self esteem they try to take control wherever they can. And when they get that control, well, they won’t let go. My god Pam, that’s a dangerous combination isn’t it? A power freak with a hold on someone who wants to please them, like Richard with his Dad, or is scared of them, like me with Jim.’
‘You weren’t scared of Jim, Rae,’ she said softly. ‘Your fear was a fear of the feelings you had, not of the little man who triggered them. You know Rae you have been extremely difficult to get to know.’ She smiled as she said this to make sure I didn’t take offence. ‘But now that I am getting to know you I see that you are an incredibly brave woman, brave enough to face a completely new life alone in a strange place for example.’
I pulled a face at that. ‘I called it running away,’ I told her.
She shook her head. ‘No, it was starting over. And you were brave enough to fight back when you thought the little man was going to rape you. The easy way out of that would have been to lie back and let it happen.’
I was surprised then because that option had never occurred to me at the time.
‘And a young man not far from here will never forget how brave you were when you saved his life. No, don’t interrupt, hear me out. You are extremely professional and competent in your job, you obviously care deeply for the kids you work with and your sister and Barney and, I have to say Rae, you are really funny when you are pissed. In short, you are a good person Rae Simpson and as soon as you start to believe that you will never be a victim of a bully again.’
And then I knew she was right. When people talked of having seen the light I used to roll my eyes upwards and sigh. But I saw it then. It wasn’t a religious experience, it was the dawning of truth. Pam was right, I wasn’t scared of Jim at all, I had been scared of how bad I felt about myself when I believed the things he told me. I was scared of being a bad and useless person; but I wasn’t. I was a normal, decent human being and I was beginning to see it.
And in that instant I felt an enormous weight lift off my shoulders and a rush of warm emotions that I hadn’t felt for a long time. I felt alive.
Richard
I really like my new school and Mrs Tighe is the best teacher ever; I sit next to Mikey ‘cos Mrs Tighe thought we would get on well she says and she is right.
I like Mikey, he makes me laugh ‘cos he does Donald Duck voices and he is really good at Maths too so we have competitions to see who can get the most sums right.
Mrs Tighe says I am really good at Maths and she loves the stories that I write.
I have been thinking that I might be a writer when I grow up if I can’t be a footballer.
Mikey doesn’t like football though, so every lunch time I play football with Reece and Callum and Luke and Jade. Jade’s a girl but she’s a good footballer so we let her play.
And no-body calls me weirdo, ever.
Mum is still not really happy for me to talk much about Dad but I often think about him. Some nights, just before I go to sleep, I talk to him in my mind in case he can hear me. Then I lie really still and quiet with my face all screwed up tight listening really hard, but he hasn’t answered me yet.
Rae
I think PC Sam Morgan had been surprised when I told him that I intended to attend the court hearing. He kept reminding me that I wouldn’t have to give evidence because Jim had pleaded guilty and that this hearing was only to pass sentence. But I just knew that this was something I had to do for my own self-respect. Tom offered to come with me, of course, but I think he understood when I said it wouldn’t be necessary.
The courtroom was smaller than I expected it to be, in fact it was not much bigger than my office. And I was a little disappointed to see a table fronting up the room rather than a Judge’s raised platform. There were a few people sitting around whispering and coughing in hushed tones, as people always do at sombre occasions. But then silence fell as two officers brought Jim into the room.
His face was pale and drawn; never a heavy man he looked as if he had lost weight over the last few weeks. His hair was greasy and stuck flat to his head and he kept his eyes focused on the table top in front of him as they sat down on the right hand side of the room.
He must have known I was there, I was almost immediately opposite him, but he never once looked in my direction.
I was surprised to see that he was wearing handcuffs, did they think he would become violent in court? Seei
ng my expression Sam leaned over and whispered in my ear.
‘The ‘cuffs are just to stop him making a run for it.’
He didn’t look like he was going to be running anywhere soon.
The judge was a tiny wrinkled woman with a voice that suggested she smoked 40 fags a day. Her eyes were hard and bird like as she stared at Jim and questioned how he was pleading to the charges.
‘Guilty.’
She looked at me then and her sharp little eyes softened a little. With a small nod of her head she looked back at her paperwork.
She sentenced him to four years in prison.
Jim was led away from the courtroom, head still hanging low. He hadn’t looked at me once and I had hardly stopped looking at him. Sam crossed the room and shook my hand, as if I had scored a victory; which I had, but probably not the one he thought of. My victory was in looking at my ex-husband without a hint of fear and feeling a deep knowledge that he was weak and ashamed and that I was strong.
Jen would have been worried if she had seen me driving home ‘cos I cried all the way.
I cried for the perfect marriage that never was, the loss of the children we never had. I cried for the loss of a dream that never became reality.
Jen
I was late, as usual. Rae was waiting on her doorstep when I pulled up outside desperate for the loo.
‘Hurry up,’ she sounded like my mother calling up the stairs after me. ‘I don’t want to walk in at the same time as the bride.’
We were off the Spiritualist Church, where Tom and Pam were finally going to tie the knot.
The small church was full of people and decorated with white flowers and bows of white ribbons. Despite Rae’s panicking we were there in plenty of time to grab seats and take a look around.
‘Hat alert, second row back, third in,’ she whispered.