He whoops and I love that he doesn’t hide his excitement when he’s happy about something, especially when that something is me.
When I get to the promenade, I stop in the beach hut and buy us a 99 each and make my way down the sandy steps towards the carousel. Inside the tent, he’s kneeling beside the engine with his forehead furrowed in concentration but he looks up when he hears me and the brightest grin spreads across his face when his eyes fall on the ice creams in my hands.
‘For luck.’ I hold one out to him. ‘I don’t think I’m very good at being a lucky charm so I thought I’d better have something else as a back-up plan.’
He gets to his feet and wipes his hands with a cloth as he comes over to take one from me. ‘Thank you, and thanks for coming down. I probably shouldn’t have called because I don’t want you to see me fail if it goes badly, but things tend to go better when you’re around so I think you must be my lucky charm.’ His eyes are on the engine as he licks his ice cream. ‘This is where it all could go horribly wrong. I’ve finished cleaning the engine and got the organ back together, and I’m just about to start it up. If either of these things fail, this job is much bigger than I anticipated and unlikely to be finished before the summer holidays.’
‘It’ll work. You know what you’re doing.’
He meets my eyes. ‘Thanks, Ness.’
There’s something so deep in his eyes, darker brown than usual today, and I feel like the air is zinging between us, waiting for something to happen.
Then I misjudge a bite of my cornet and get ice cream up my nose instead.
Nath laughs. ‘At least it’s not just me who struggles with feeding myself.’
I decide to let him have that one. I’ve made enough of a wally of myself in front of Nathan that even ice cream up the nose is normal now.
We finish our ice creams and he beckons me over to where he was working. The engine is clean and shiny and all the wheels and pulleys he’d taken apart are back in place, and the organ is nearby, also back in one piece.
‘Cross every crossable thing you’ve got and think lucky thoughts,’ he says. ‘I estimated the length and cost of the job based on this. If it doesn’t work, I’m in trouble.’
I hold up crossed fingers on both hands, and when he crouches down by the engine, I step across and slide my hand over his left shoulder, and he tips his head down until his ear touches the back of my hand in gentle acknowledgement.
He puts his hands on the wheel and turns, slowly at first, obviously a struggle after it’s been still for so long. There’s a jarring screech of metal on metal until it starts to turn easier. The engine lets out a burst of steam, and after a few tense moments, starts chugging away.
He breathes a sigh of relief and we wait with bated breath for the organ to follow suit, until it finally makes a few jarring, untuned noises.
Nathan sags so much with relief that he nearly overbalances and only my legs behind him are holding him upright.
‘Thanks for coming down. It would’ve felt wrong to start it up without you,’ he says as he gets to his feet without dislodging my hand.
‘I would’ve hated to miss such an important occasion,’ I say, genuinely touched that he wanted me here. I love that he’s let me get so involved in the carousel. It’s something so special, and I’m humbled that he’s let someone as clumsy as me anywhere near it. My hand tightens on his shoulder because I don’t think he lets people into his work very often.
The organ thrums into life, that tinny, old-fashioned gramophone sound that you don’t hear these days, and I recognise the music immediately. ‘That’s “The Carousel Waltz” from the film.’
He grins. ‘Thought you’d like it.’
‘Did you program that?’
‘I might have.’ He meets my eyes. ‘I mean, not just because of Carousel. It’s such a beautiful piece of music, a real nostalgic carousel sound; there’s nothing more fitting really, is there?’
‘And you thought I’d like it?’ I ask, feeling flushed and shy.
He reaches up and slots his fingers between mine where they’re still resting on his shoulder and nods almost imperceptibly.
It’s such a soft, sweet gesture that it makes me go all weak at the knees as we stand there waiting for the carousel to start turning, his hand not letting go of mine. I know he did it because he knows how much I love Carousel, just like he always hums ‘If I Loved You’ because he knows I like it.
I don’t have a chance to think about it any further because slowly but surely, the bearings at the top of the central pole start to turn and the relief on Nathan’s face is palpable. Even I know that the whole carousel revolves around that one thing, the bars that hold the horses up and turn to simulate the feeling of jumping are suspended from the top of it. Even the platform that riders will stand on is hung from that pole, and seeing Nath looking so relieved makes me realise how important this is to him.
‘It’ll be a bit more impressive when it’s finished,’ he whispers, like speaking in a normal voice will break the spell.
‘This is impressive enough,’ I say, because it feels like something magical is happening, even though all we’re doing is standing in a tent on the beach watching the mechanical turning of bits of metal.
My fingers tighten around his where my hand is still on his shoulder, and his close around mine in return and he turns around without letting go. His eyes are damp and how much I want to kiss him takes my breath away. He is so raw and open, and I’m sure this is a moment he’s never shared with anyone before, and I’m floored that he’s letting me see such a vulnerability in him.
He lifts my other hand to his mouth and presses a kiss there, his eyes not leaving mine, as he holds one hand against his chest and uses the other to push me away, starting a waltz to the tune of the carousel.
‘Nath!’ I squeak. ‘Only you could start waltzing to “The Carousel Waltz”!’
He grins and treads on my toes, but I realise I’m laughing as I follow his lead, the emotion of a few moments ago being replaced by joy as he’s back to being the silly, uninhibited Nathan that I don’t think many people ever get to see.
He’s laughing as I fall against him, both of us tripping over ourselves yet again. I’ve always thought I had two left feet, but I think he’s got at least six of them, and probably a few right feet as well, because it’s like dancing with a giant spider, in the nicest way possible. If spiders were six-foot-four, gorgeous, and smelt of pink pepper and dusky coconut aftershave.
The song comes to an end and halts for a few moments while the engine continues chugging, puffing steam into the tent because the chimney to route it outside isn’t fitted yet, before it finally starts up again from the beginning. His eyes fill with delight.
‘We did it!’ The smile on his face is obscenely wide and his arms slide around my waist and he lifts me up, holding me against his body and spinning us in a circle.
I wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze him so tightly that it must start to hurt.
‘We?’ I say in his ear. ‘I didn’t have anything to do with this. All I’ve done is sand a bit of paint off wooden horses. That organ terrifies me. It looks like something that would be running an evil robot factory in a horror film.’
He nuzzles his face into my neck and I can feel his smile against my skin even though he makes no move to put me down. ‘Don’t you understand how much difference it makes to have you here? Listening, asking questions, getting involved, helping, talking. Caring. I’m not even halfway through and this is the best job I’ve ever been on because of you, Ness.’
It makes my breath catch in my throat and my arms tighten around him. ‘I hate that anyone’s ever made you feel inferior for doing something you love,’ I say against his ear.
He sets my feet back on the wooden flooring but doesn’t step away, and I pull back until I can make eye contact, because he needs to hear this.
I reach up and brush my fingers through his hair. ‘You’re incredible, Nath. Do
you have any idea how much I’ve enjoyed spending time with you? Any idea how amazing your stories are? How fascinating it is to talk to you? I’m behind on my own work because I don’t want to be anywhere else. Your enthusiasm has captured me. Other than loving the film, I didn’t know the first thing about carousels until a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t know how they worked or the stories behind them. You’ve made me care. You’ve made me interested. I will never look at a carousel the same way again because of you. How much you love your job makes me want to chuck mine in and find something I love. You’re inspirational like that.’
I’m still brushing his hair back and his face has turned in to my hand as I’ve been speaking and his eyes are closed. ‘Where have you been all my life?’ His words are muffled against my palm. ‘Can I keep you? Just, like, have you in my pocket all day to pop out and say nice things when I need to hear them?’
I reach my other hand out and jiggle the denim edge of the pocket of his dungarees. ‘Well, you do seem to keep everything in there.’
‘I mean it, Ness.’ His eyes are serious when they open. ‘Well, maybe not about the pocket thing, that would just be weird, but … I don’t know how to go back to before I met you—’
I use my grip on his hair to pull his head down, push myself up on my tiptoes, and smash my mouth against his. No false starts. No drips of sweat, forehead clashes, or parents walking in. A kiss that I’ve wanted since I saw the dimples dent his cheeks on that train.
He kisses me back like a drowning man. His hands come up and cup the back of my head, his fingers tangling in my hair, fingertips brushing my skin so gently and the way he touches me makes me feel precious. The way he kisses is so careful and hesitant, like he isn’t sure it’s real either, and my fingers tighten in his hair, pulling him impossibly closer, letting him know I want this too, and he gets the hint. He moans against my mouth as the kiss gets stronger, and my knees go weak until I’m hanging on to him and I squeak into it as his hands slide down, around my waist, under my thighs and he lifts me, our lips not leaving each other’s as my legs wrap around him. He carries me across the tent and sits me on something wooden and curved, a carousel horse, as he keeps kissing me, and I pull him closer again. I hear the grunt as he nearly overbalances, and I never, ever want this to end. Nothing beyond him and me exists in this moment.
We’re both gasping for air when he eventually pulls back and I’ve gone all light-headed.
Now that is throwing yourself in with both feet and not making excuses to avoid the things you really want to do. Daphne would be so proud.
‘I didn’t pull back because I wanted to stop kissing you but because I’m going to black out from lack of oxygen any second,’ he pants.
‘Same,’ I wheeze, wondering if I look as dazed as he does.
That’s the kind of kiss I’ve only ever seen in movies. So breathtaking that it takes me a while to get my bearings. I’m sitting on the saddle of Ivy’s horse, which is sanded down and ready for priming like most of the others now, and he’s leaning against it, looking like he can barely hold himself up, one arm behind me, one in front, holding me on because he’s so caring.
‘You have no idea how desperate I’ve been to do that.’ He rests his forehead against mine, still breathing heavily.
‘Me too.’ I grin at him, loving the sight of the smile he can’t seem to get off his face. ‘I thought you didn’t want a relationship.’
‘I didn’t until I met you. The only reason I keep saying it is because I’m trying to convince myself it’s still true, when it isn’t.’
I grin and he leans down to press his lips against mine again, just a peck this time, but it makes my heart start pounding again.
‘I don’t know how to be without you. I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel like a part of me is missing whenever I’m not with you. And I know we haven’t known each other for three weeks yet, and I don’t … I didn’t think I even believed in love, and I definitely don’t believe in love at first sight, but I don’t know how to explain what’s been happening between us on the train, because something has, hasn’t it?’
I nod silently, blown away by his words.
‘You calm me every time I see you. I hate travelling and I hate crowded trains, and I focus on something on my phone to prevent a full-blown panic attack whenever I have to get one, but a sense of peace settles over me whenever I see you. And that morning when we were much closer than usual to each other, I seriously considered missing my connection just to talk to you, which is so flipping out of character for me, and then you answered the phone that night and I knew it was you. What was that, Ness?’
‘The same thing that made me want to come up here and meet you in person? The same thing that’s made this very odd situation seem completely normal? I basically stalked you halfway up the country. I thought you’d run a mile.’
‘I’ve literally never been happier to see someone than when you walked onto the beach with two ice creams. I thought I was hallucinating. I’d spent the whole day trying to figure out how soon I could afford a weekend off from the carousel and come back to London with the excuse of getting the phone, but really because I didn’t know how to wait until I was due back at the end of July to meet you. And you know me, London is not somewhere I voluntarily return to.’
He kisses me again and I melt into his arms for a long few minutes, before common sense takes over. I have to tell him about the article. ‘Listen, Nath, there’s something I—’
I’m cut off by the sound of the engine coming to a very grindy halt, as the organ comes to a screechy stop, and bearings on the metal pole creak into stillness.
Nathan swears and kisses my cheek quickly. ‘Hold that thought.’
Because it wouldn’t be a kiss without some form of unmitigated disaster, would it?
‘Is everything okay?’ I jump off the horse and follow him across the tent.
He mutters something about a water injector and does something to the engine, and I wait, barely daring to breathe as he turns the wheel again and it chugs back into life, the bearings start turning, and ‘The Carousel Waltz’ kicks in where it left off.
He stands up and wraps his arms around me from behind, pulling me against his chest and pressing a kiss to my hair. He holds me tight and we just stand there and listen to the music, the old organ making the tune sound exactly the same as it does when Billy invites Julie onto the carousel in the opening scene of the film.
‘Will it always play this?’ I ask after a few minutes of just enjoying the feeling of his strong arms around me, my fingers trailing up and down his muscular forearms where he’s holding me tight.
‘I don’t know, that’ll be the decision of the carousel operator.’
‘God, that would be an amazing job, wouldn’t it? Can you imagine getting to stand here and operate it all day? A modern-day barker, like Billy Bigelow. Taking the money, helping people on, starting the engine … Watching the joy on little faces as the horses start to move. I’d love that.’
I feel him smile against my hair. ‘I’m happy fixing them, but you should go for it. You could stay here then. We both could … Sorry, I shouldn’t be saying that, you’re happy in your own job, aren’t you? I know you don’t love it, but …’
‘I used to think I did. I thought it was just a stepping stone to something better but I don’t even know if I want the something better. I meant what I said just now. Seeing how much you love what you do has made me realise how much I don’t.’
‘So find something else. Even if it’s scary. Even if it’s a massive risk.’
‘It sounds so easy when I’m here with you, but back in London, job-hunting is tough and not being able to pay the rent is tougher. And I have no idea what kind of job I’d be looking for anyway. I’m rubbish at everything.’
‘You’re good at restoring vintage carousels.’
‘Hah.’ I snort at his well-meaning but misguided words. ‘All I’ve done is clean up some horses and sand some old p
aint off them. I can’t even mend the ones that are broken. They’re all waiting over there for you to do.’
‘I could show you.’
‘It’s a lovely idea, Nath, but it’s not a permanent solution, is it? I’d love a couple more weeks of helping you out here, but then reality kicks in and I have rent and bills to pay.’
‘Yeah, I guess so.’ His sigh sounds as disheartened as I feel.
‘Will you ever come back here after the job is finished to see the carousel up and running?’
‘I don’t usually – my job ends when the restoration ends, but this one feels a bit more special than any other job. I think this one will stay with me for a long while after it’s finished.’ I hear him swallow hard. ‘I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to ask if you’ll come for a holiday here next year, just you and me if we can get a week off work at the same time, book the cottage …’
‘Next year? I don’t want to leave it that long before coming back to Pearlholme.’
‘I don’t want to leave Pearlholme,’ he whispers. ‘I can’t imagine not coming back. And it would be amazing to see the carousel in full swing.’
‘It feels a little bit magical.’
‘It found me you,’ he says into my neck. ‘Maybe Ivy never found her missing carousel maker, but the love for her that he put into this spills over and draws people in. Maybe she’s not lying in wait to castrate cheating blokes but to spread the love she lost …’
‘You’re sounding like an old romantic, Nath,’ I whisper, barely getting the words out before he kisses me again.
When we eventually stop kissing because the engine grinds to a halt again, we step outside the tent for a breath of fresh air, only to be greeted by a crowd of onlookers standing on the promenade.
‘We heard the music and came to see!’ Camilla calls, leaning on the blue railing with Charles’s arm around her.
The Little Vintage Carousel by the Sea Page 27