by Jewel E. Ann
CHAPTER TWO
Addy
It felt like Quinn was in surgery forever. When Dr. Muñez came out to let us know that the surgery was a success, we all breathed a sigh of relief. He told us it would be a while before we could see him, so I decided to go back to the hotel where Elena was staying. I was in dire need of a shower and some clean clothes. It also gave me a chance to call Mac in private. I hadn’t talked with her since the accident, just texting. I knew she was worried and desperate for more information.
“Addy, how’s he doing?” Mac answered her phone with an emotion-choked voice.
“He’s out of surgery and the doctor said it was successful.”
“Thank God. You don’t sound very happy?”
“Mac, something happened.”
She hesitated before responding. “What do you mean? What happened?”
The truth was a heavy burden to bear. I took a deep breath then shared my painful heart with Mac.
“When he was climbing I … I let it slip that I’d been married.” My voice broke as the tears fell.
“Addy, you weren’t going to be able to keep it a secret forever.”
“Oh God, Mac, it’s not that.” I wiped my face and sniffled. “It’s when he fell.” A sob escaped as my heart ached with the memory of his bloodied, limp body.
“I don’t understand, sweetie. What’s when he fell?”
“As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, he fell. Mac, I’m the reason he fell. I’m the reason he’s broken and in the hospital.” I sucked in two quick shaky breaths.
“No, Addy, it’s not your fault. Don’t you dare take this all on yourself. I’m sure Quinn doesn’t blame you.”
I didn’t respond but the silence on the line said it all.
“Mac, he—”
“Jesus, Addy … he doesn’t remember, does he?” Mac’s voice was cautiously low.
“No.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“Yes, of course. I tried a couple of days ago, but then I accidentally pushed this button and his bed started to move and he started to scream. Then the nurse came in and—”
“Addy!” Mac cut me off. “Slow down. You’re starting to ramble.”
“Sorry. I’m nervous, scared, confused, and … and just freaking out. I don’t want to lose him.”
“You’re not going to lose him. He knows you have a past.”
“Mac, I’m no longer asking him to accept my past. I’m asking him to accept my past forever changing the course of his future. You didn’t see it, Mac. He would not have fallen in that spot at that time. And even if he would have, I know his instincts would have been better. It was as if he didn’t do anything to protect himself.”
“Addy, you don’t know that, and he’s going to be fine.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head. “They used plates and screws to piece his pelvis back together and he no longer has a spleen. It’s not like we were created with a bunch of unnecessary organs. ‘Hey, Quinn, sorry about your shitty immune system. A spleen would sure come in handy about now.’” I laughed at my own dramatic reaction and at the same time more tears fell to my cheeks. “What if he never walks without a limp? What if he never climbs, snowboards, or jumps out of a plane again?” A tight sob escaped from my chest. “What if … he never looks at me the same way again?” My voice was a strangled whisper.
“Addy, I’m getting on a plane as soon as I can to—”
“No, Mac, don’t do that. We’ll be home in a few weeks and you can fly to New York then.”
“Addy, I don’t want to see you go down that path again.”
“I won’t tell him until we get home.”
“And if he remembers on his own before then?”
I wanted to believe that nine years later I was a stronger person, but since Quinn had picked up so many pieces of my broken heart and claimed them for his own, I wasn’t so sure.
“Then you can get on a plane,” I conceded.
*
By the time I returned to the hospital, Quinn was out of recovery and in a private room.
“Hey, Addy, he just fell back to sleep. Chase and I are going to grab some food. Did you eat?”
“Yes, I grabbed something at the hotel.” I lied because she had enough to worry about; I didn’t want her feeling responsible for me. I wasn’t hungry, but I understood her motherly concern.
“Okay then, we’ll be back in an hour or so. Call if you need us.”
“I will. Thanks, Elena.”
Elena and Chase hugged me before leaving. I sat in the chair next to Quinn’s limp body in the hospital bed. The once chiseled edges to his muscles appeared softer, not quite as defined; the image before me was different than the naked, Latin sex god I used to stare at for hours. His face was pale and his eyes looked sunken in. The main reason I couldn’t eat was because of the guilt that sat like dead weight in the bottom of my gut. It was unlikely that Quinn’s dissociative amnesia would last forever. I needed to tell him before something triggered his memory. I reclined the chair and closed my eyes. Overcome with exhaustion, I fell asleep.
The sun had set and the room was dimly lit when I awoke. Dark chocolate eyes met mine, and I sat up in the chair.
“Hi,” I whispered in a soft, sleepy voice.
Quinn gave me a weak but loving smile as he opened his hand. I put mine in his, and even in his injured state, I was reminded of his strength as his large strong hand enveloped mine.
I looked around the room.
“They went back to the hotel. I told them not to wake you.” His voice was raspy.
He had major surgery just hours ago yet he was looking out for my well-being. My heart constricted.
“Are you in pain?”
“Not too bad. I think they have me on some pretty strong stuff.”
“Dr. Muñez said the surgery went as good as could be expected. Given your age and health, you should make a full recovery.” I was speaking to Quinn, but I was trying to convince myself more than him.
“I’m sure naughty Nurse Addy will have me up in no time.”
It was faint, but I saw a sparkle in his eyes. I needed that more than he could ever have known.
“Hmm … are you thinking white uniform, cleavage, miniskirt, and garter belt?” I lowered the pitch of my voice and slid my tongue along my upper lip.
“Dear God, yes please.” His smile grew for a moment, but it was short lived as he winced.
I stood and stepped closer to him. “Are you ok?”
He exhaled a tight breath. “Yeah, just a reality check.”
I saw him push the button that controlled his pain medicine. It only took a few minutes for his eyes to get heavy again.
“I’m going to get a snack from the cafeteria. You get some rest. Okay, babe?” I leaned down and kissed his dry lips.
He didn’t speak, he just gave a slight nod before his eyes closed.
I didn’t go to the cafeteria. Instead, I went outside and walked around the hospital. The cool, evening breeze felt nice, and the fresh air helped clear my mind. I wanted to stay focused on Quinn and getting him better. We would talk about the other stuff once he was home and on the mend.
*
Quinn spent two and a half weeks in the hospital. Dr. Muñez wanted him to stay for a few more days, but Quinn insisted he was ready to leave. The physical therapist worked with Quinn, and he was able to get around with the aid of a walker. I had already made arrangements for one of the best physical therapists in New York City to come to our place and work with Quinn for as long as he needed.
Elena came back with us as well. She said she had some things to go through at her house anyway, but I knew Quinn was the real reason for her decision. She also insisted we start planning the “big” wedding. She thought it might cheer Quinn up and persuade him to work harder if he had a goal. I didn’t argue with her, but the wedding had fallen off my radar. Quinn and I had too many obstacles to overcome before a wedding was goin
g to be in the picture.
It was a relief to be home after the long flight. Elena went to her house to get settled while I made dinner for myself and Quinn.
“Nice to see you eating something again,” Quinn commented as I shoved a fork full of pasta into my mouth.
I smiled as I slurped up the last piece that hung from my mouth. “Not to sound conceited, but this tastes so good. Overripe bananas and mushy apples from the hospital cafeteria were getting old. I probably lost ten pounds. My clothes feel baggy.”
“You’re looking too thin.”
That comment was quite ironic coming from a guy who dated anorexic looking models.
“I won’t for long if I keep making comfort food like this.”
After dinner, Quinn rested on the couch while I unpacked our suitcases. He was looking drowsy by the time I came back downstairs.
“Do you want me to help you to bed, or would you like me to help you shower?”
Quinn laughed but it was more like a sarcastic grunt. “So this is how it’s going to be for the next so many weeks or months? ‘Quinn, do you need help with this? Quinn, do you need help with that? Quinn, do you need help with everything?’”
He looked out the window and not at me. I tried not to take it personally, since he didn’t know how much it really was my fault, but the words still hurt. I assumed he would probably fight some depression and go through moments of self-pity, but I wasn’t expecting it to start tonight.
I wondered if it was time to just tell him everything, lay it all on the line. The idea of getting it off my chest was liberating, and I thought maybe Quinn needed someone to blame.
“Quinn I—”
“No, Addy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I know this isn’t going to be easy on you either, and it was a shit thing for me to say.”
Tell him!
He looked at me and I saw so many mixed emotions in his expression: pain, anger, pity, but also love, compassion, and sorrow.
“I really need a shower, and yes, I would appreciate your help.”
I helped him shower and it was the first time we were both naked together without an impulsive hunger for each other. He was in too much pain and so was I, but mine was a different sort of pain. After he hobbled his injured body to the bed, I put an herbal healing salve on his wounds and a clean dressing.
When I stood to put the supplies away he grabbed my arm. “Thank you.”
“Please don’t thank me,” I pleaded with a painful smile.
“Addy, what’s wrong?”
I pulled away from him and walked toward the bathroom.
“Did you drop me?” It was a faint whisper, but I heard him.
I froze. I couldn’t turn to look at him. The time had come for me to tell him. I knew it would be a turning point in our relationship, but I feared it would be in the wrong direction. My breath was strangled, my heart constricted, and all words escaped me. I shook my head and kept walking. It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t drop him.
*
He didn’t ask me about it again, and I was a coward. Every time an opportunity presented itself to tell him, we were either interrupted or I lost my nerve.
The following month was treacherous. Quinn was making great progress during his physical therapy sessions, but not without pain. He defined “no pain, no gain.” It exhausted him, but he refused to sleep much during the day. He had his laptop in front of him almost constantly, working to keep his business deals moving forward. His assistant stopped by several days a week to have him sign papers, and he used video conferencing in place of traveling for meetings.
I felt like a helpless animal that had been attacked. Guilt was eating me alive, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take it. Elena was a lifesaver. She stayed with Quinn while I ran errands. Neither she nor Quinn ever asked me where I went or why I was gone for so long. When Quinn wasn’t focused on his pain, he was focused on business. Elena was trying to plan a wedding that didn’t have a date or location.
Avoidance became my method for survival. I went to yoga then jogging in Central Park. One day I even went to a matinee by myself. The guilt was killing me, and I looked for any excuse to escape. Quinn struggled to deal with his injuries, but he didn’t want my help.
I was even avoiding Mac by not answering her calls and giving short vague responses to her texts. She wanted to come visit, but I couldn’t face her until I told Quinn the truth. However, every day it managed to elude me.
Alexis was in town for the weekend so Elena wanted to spend some time with her. Quinn and I were alone for two days without interruptions, or in my case, without an escape.
I was sitting at the kitchen table looking at my computer while Quinn worked on his at the couch. He closed it and set it aside.
“Come here, baby.”
After shutting down my computer, I sat next to him. “Do you need something?”
He put his hand behind my head and pulled me to his lips. He kissed me slow at first, but then slipped his tongue into my mouth, deepening it. My body immediately responded. We had shared some cautious cuddling at night and chaste kisses before bed, but other than that, our relationship had felt more like roommates than lovers.
He pulled away. His eyes had that look that I hadn’t seen since the accident.
“Yes, I do need something.” Bringing me to his mouth again with one hand, the other slipped under my shirt. He pulled down the cup of my bra releasing my breast. I moaned into his mouth as he cupped my breast with his large hand, kneading it while rubbing his thumb over my erect nipple. Leaning in closer to him, I put my hand on the arm of the sofa to help support my weight. I wanted to straddle him and feel him between my legs, but I thought it would be too much.
My body was starving, I craved him so much. He released my breast and slipped his hand under the waistband of my leggings. I turned completely toward him, kneeling on the couch beside him to support myself. My tongue danced with his as soft needy moans escaped my chest. He slipped two fingers inside my wet and wanton sex.
“Quinn—” I tilted my head back as he moved his mouth to my neck.
My brain was struggling with guilt and shame, but my body was too desperate to be distracted by such thoughts. I moved my hips into his hand as his fingers plunged into me. He circled his thumb over my clit, and it didn’t take long before I was panting through the waves of an orgasm.
“Oh God, Quinn.”
I moved my hand down over his pants, but he grabbed my wrist.
“Don’t.”
I looked at him confused.
He released a breath. “Too many medications.”
My mind was worried about things like addiction and liver damage. I never stopped to think about the possibility of erectile dysfunction. “Then why did you—”
He gave me a quick kiss then brought my hand to his mouth. He pressed his lips to my palm. “Because I wanted to.”
I sat down next to him with my legs curled under me. “I don’t want you to do that.”
He laughed. “Could have fooled me.”
I bumped up against his arm and laid my head on his shoulder. “You know that’s not what I mean. If you can’t … you know, then I don’t want you to feel like you need to pleasure me.”
“I don’t think I need to pleasure you.” He held my hand and interlaced our fingers while he turned my ring from side to side. “I want to pleasure you. I love you. I love touching you. And I especially love listening to the sounds you make when you lose all control.”
I brought our entwined fingers up to my lips and kissed the back of his hand. “I love you too.”
*
Our intimate moment on the couch was incentive for Quinn to cut back on his pain medications. His X-rays at two months looked good, but his doctor recommended he avoid weight bearing activities for another month. Quinn moved from the couch to his office in our condo to do his work. Aside from going to the doctor, he refused to leave home. He said he felt like an old man hobbling around with a
cane. Each day was unpredictable. Some days were good and Quinn breezed through his therapy. Other days were awful. He tried to hide it, but I could see the pain nearly brought tears to his eyes. He took just enough pain medication to take the edge off, but some days it didn’t seem to have any effect.
Mac texted me that she and Evan were catching a flight to New York for the weekend and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. That was all it took for me to finally call her.
“Don’t even try and tell me it’s too soon, Addy. I should have been there for you in Spain. There’s no way I’m waiting any longer.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry, I’ve just been––” I let out a deep sigh. “Out of sorts.”
“I’m sure you have been, but I think it’s more about you avoiding me because you haven’t told Quinn. And you’re afraid of what I’m going to say.”
“Mac, it’s not that simple.”
“No shit. Nothing about you and Quinn has ever been simple, but the longer you wait, the worse the outcome will be.”
“I know, I know! But I’m not going to tell him until after you leave. If I tell him now, then you might as well not come.”
“Fine, but the second we leave on Sunday you’d better tell him. Deal?”
It felt like she was starting the countdown clock to Quinn leaving me, or more accurately, kicking me out. I was in a no-win situation.
“Whatever, just promise not to say anything about it while you’re here.”
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see you Friday afternoon.”
I pressed END just as Quinn was making his way to the great room from his office. The grimace on his face told me it was not a good day.
“Can I get you anything?”
He couldn’t even speak until he stopped at the kitchen counter and leaned into it.
“Fuck!” He keeled over like someone was stabbing a knife into his stomach.
The agonizing cry still ripped at my heart, but I no longer rushed to his aid. My pulse quickened, jaw clenched, and fingernails dug into my palms. The only thing more excruciating than his reaction to the pain was his reaction to my help. The rejection cut deep. Some days were good and some days were bad. This was his new “normal” on those bad days, and I hated feeling so helpless.