by Angel Devlin
“He had a massive cock, Jenny. Like an elephant trunk.”
She laughed down the phone. “So you stayed for a repeat performance?”
“Absolutely. Several repeat performances.”
It was then I remembered the date. “Fucking hell. Oh my God, you all really had me going there. It’s April Fools’ Day. You’re supposed to have confessed by now. God, I’m suck an idiot. Totally fooled.”
“Sorry, Mila. It would be easier to tell you it was an April Fool’s but no, you really married him.”
“I did? Oh crap.” That was that sense of relief obliterated.
“So now what are you going to do?”
“Now I get an annulment and carry on with my life, although I’m hoping to see him again while he’s still here. I just wish I could remember more of what happened.”
“Oh, Mila. Didn’t you get what I was saying? They were recording. Louis. Is. A. YouTuber. I’d expect a video upload in the next few hours about the whole thing.”
There was a silence while I gathered my thoughts. “Pardon? You mean to tell me my evening’s exploits are going to be uploaded on YouTube?”
“I would have thought so. In the meantime, go catch up on who you just married. Louis Clayton. YouTube channel: Clayton’s Classics.”
Dread pooled in my stomach. “How bad is it on a scale of one to ten?”
“I’m saying nothing. Call me tomorrow. I’m here if you need me to help with any paperwork.”
She ended the call. I swung my legs off the couch and went to grab my laptop. It was time to familiarize myself with my new husband’s career and wait to see if the night became any clearer when I viewed it all on my screen.
What had I done?
Mila
My new husband does not only have a giant cock, he IS a giant cock.
A week ago he spent a stupid amount of money buying fries to see if he could win a great prize in a competition. He won more fries.
He has ridden a skateboard in a supermarket. Also, a scooter.
He has sat in a bath of cold beans.
He has eaten extremely hot chillies.
All for the sake of having some kind of ‘fame’ and it would appear to be working because he had plenty of sponsorship and subscribers. But his latest vlog is where things got really ‘rip my own hair out’. I pressed play to watch his latest video again.
“Well, hello there, everyone. We’re here live from the MGM Grand. Earlier you saw our rooms, now we’re going to show you some of the hotel. And what can I say? The place is vast. Absolutely enormous. Now as I’ve said to you before, this video is likely to end up 18+ and so for that reason I’ve put warnings all over the channel, so mum’s you might want to watch this one yourself. Right, so on that note here we have the Lobby Bar so we will make our way inside and try it out.”
It then cut to them drinking in another bar and then them going into a casino. The camera was fixed on Louis’ face as he chatted away. “Well, I can certainly see that my luck isn’t in tonight in terms of gambling, but that’s not why we’re here anyway guys is it? We can’t tell you our big secret yet, but we are here for a reason, and all shall become clear if I manage to pull it off and no, that’s not a euphemism.”
A big secret? Some other childish prank no doubt. His mother must be so proud.
While I watched, a new video came up on the sidebar. My eyes went out on stalks at the headline.
I GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS! MEET MRS. CLAYTON!
My breath came in short pants and I thought I would pass out. Please tell me I’m not going to find myself the main subject of a YouTube video watched by almost a million subscribers? Not when I was drunk out of my mind. And how much of my wedding is on there, given I can barely remember the evening at all?
I felt sure I would be sick.
My cell phone rang and I answered Jenny’s call.
“There’s a new video. Do you want me to come round? We can watch it together? Only it’s quite long and we may need to pause and chat.”
“Why would we need to pause and chat?”
“Max called me. It was Louis’ plan. To get married in Vegas for his channel. You’re likely to go viral, babes.”
I closed my eyes and sucked on my top lip.
“Get a cab straight over and bring lots of alcohol.”
Forty minutes later, Jenny walked in and shrugged off her jacket, leaving it on the back of a dining room chair. “I have wine. Oh you have glasses ready. Good girl.” She opened the bottle and began to pour.
“Fill that baby right up. The video already has 543,000 views, Jenny. Over half a million people have seen my wedding who are not me. I need to get this watched so we can decide on my next course of action.”
I pressed play and there he was heading into the nightclub.
“This place is epic.”
“Look how many people are here, bro.” One of his friends said. “There’s bound to be someone here.”
Footage followed of them getting drinks and dancing and then all of a sudden there me and Jenny were on screen.
“Oooh, I’m on YouTube.” Jenny squealed with excitement.
“Really?” I shot her a side-eye, and she shrugged and mumbled ‘sorry’ at me.
The camera panned in on me and Louis. You couldn’t hear what we were saying because it was one of the others filming at this point but what you could see was the mutual attraction between us. It was off the charts and on the screen.
“Whoa. You are undressing him with your eyes there, babes.”
“He is HOT.” I said. “Just a shame he’s a jerk.”
Then it’s Louis holding the camera, and he’s talking to me while we’re on screen. “So this is Mila. I think you’re going to agree with me that she’s absolutely gorgeous.”
“Awww thank you.” I say as I push him, so he staggers slightly.
Jeez, I was wasted.
“So we’ve spent,” he looks at his watch, “the last hour together and well, folks, I’m in love. My mother was always going on about this instalove she reads about in books and I’d laugh at her. Well, Mum, I think you were right after all. I know I’m going to marry this girl.”
“You’re going to marry me?” I say. “When?”
“I don’t know. When shall we get married?”
“How about tonight? How about we get married right now?” My face breaks out into a huge beaming smile. I look down at my dress. “Look, I already have the dress on. It’s white and has lace.”
“Perfect.” He shouts.
“Oh my fucking God, that dress is stuck to my body with sweat. You can totally see my rack.” I turned to Jenny.
“Stop talking. I don’t want to miss a second of this.”
I pressed pause.
“Do you not remember this either? You were there?”
“No, I wasn’t.” She pointed to the screen and sure enough she’s not in shot. “I was at the bar with Max. When we got back you were gone. When we finally found out what had happened, you were back at the hotel with your new husband, so I stayed there.”
I pressed play.
“We need a ring.” My husband-to-be announces and two other guys follow us out of the club. In the next scene we are choosing a ring in the MGM Grand’s jewelry store.
“Hey, that ring of yours is worth a bit.”
I stared at the diamond and gold band on my hand. “I thought it was fake. Thank God I didn’t throw it in the trash can.”
From there we’re filmed in a cab riding to the Clark County Marriage Bureau and emerging with papers looking ecstatic. We can’t stop kissing each other by this stage. It’s mortifying to watch.
But not as mortifying as my wedding.
Louis has called several chapels and has found one with a vacancy. The wedding was already booked, but the couple were a no-show so for a reduced fee we take the slot agreeing to use everything they already had prepared. So as we walk in to the chapel, we are greeted by a dwarf dressed as Tyrion Lannister, who sta
nds behind a fridge containing alcohol.
“Your champagne is already paid for, let me get you all a drink while you wait for the ceremony.” He said.
“It’s not actually him off Game of Thrones is it?” I crinkled my eyes up trying to stare at the dwarf. I even bent down to his height. Lord have mercy.
After drinks we are taken through to the room where we are to be married. Is it a beautiful chapel bedecked with flowers? No, it’s decorated like the inside of a spaceship. At one side is a table with some eclairs and donuts on it, and a jukebox (at which point all my remembered flashbacks have appeared).
And then ‘Tyrion’ came back in dressed as Elvis, but Elvis in a Star Trek costume. I watched in horror as me and Louis were married by mini-Elvis who then sang Love me Tender to us live. But it wasn’t his singing making me cringe—it was me and Louis.
We were singing to each other. I didn’t know all the words so then I made my own up.
“Love me tender, love me back in your rooooom.” We kissed for about three minutes before we were informed it was all over and we had five minutes to eat a donut if we wanted one.
“So I’d like to present Mrs. Clayton to you.” Louis stroked the side of my face. “My lovely wife.”
“Your mum is gonna shit a brick.” A male voice yelled in the background.
“You’re gonna love her, Mum, she’s soooo pretty.”
“I have a new mom.” I gasped. “Got to be better than my old one.” I waved at the screen. “Hey, new mom.”
“It’s so funny how I say mum and you say mom.” Louis said, then he kissed me again, the phone wobbling and us going out of view. You could just hear small groans and slurping noises.
At this point I am watching the screen from behind my hand, my fingers outstretched.
Limos were provided as part of the wedding package and we all climbed inside.
“Well you did it.” A guy with red-hair said. “Aim achieved. You married a stranger in Vegas.”
“Ssshh.” The other guy said, to an eye-roll from the redhead.
“I am a very happily married man.” Louis announced. “Very happy indeed.”
“I am a very happily married woman.” I replied.
The video closed on us going into Louis’ room. Thank. Actual. God.
He closed the door with a wink on his face.
Then the screen faded to black.
Just as I thought it was finished his face returned to the screen.
“So,” Louis said looking at the screen. “Well, as you may have worked out. I came to Vegas to do the ultimate prank—marry a stranger—and as you can see, I did.” He looked off screen and smiled. “So what do you think? She’s lovely isn’t she?” He laughed a great hearty laugh, and the video ended.
I threw myself on the floor dramatically, face down.
“My life is over.” I mumbled into the carpet.
My cell beeped with an incoming text signal. I ignored it, then Jenny spoke.
“It’s your husband. He wants to meet you to discuss what you do next.”
“Next, I kill him for making me look an idiot in front of thousands of people.”
“Millions.” She says. “One-point-five-million views so far and he just hit a million subscribers.”
I rolled over and stared at the ceiling.
“I thought I might really like him, Jenny. Like reaaaalllly. But he’s an idiot. An idiot who married me for a joke. And so now I’m the joke. I’m not happy.”
Jenny leaned over and refilled my wine glass. “I wonder how famous he is? Whether or not the press will get hold of the story. You could end up famous.”
“I don’t want attention. I hate attention. Been there, done that.” I thought about all the photographers who had wanted to capture photos of Walt Williams, one of the richest men in New York, and the times I was told to look pretty and smile for the camera. If it got out who I’d just married, it would make my father a laughing stock.
“How do I get hold of the UK press?” I asked Jenny.
PULSE ONLINE
Your one stop shop for celebrity gossip
MONDAY 2 APRIL 2018
**BREAKING NEWS**
Walt Williams’ errant daughter and heir, Mila, marries UK YouTube Sensation Louis Clayton in Vegas.
It’s presently unclear whether a genuine spontaneous wedding, or a prank for his channel.
UPDATES TO FOLLOW.
Louis
Sunday 1 April 2018
When my new wife woke up a few hours after our impromptu wedding, I don’t know what I expected but it certainly wasn’t a blow job. And boy was it a good one. Mila had mad skills.
So of course it would have been shady of me not to return the oral favour.
I sighed when I thought of all the hot sex we’d enjoyed, followed by pizza, and easy conversation.
I don’t think I could have found a better wife if I’d been dating someone for two years as who I’d found in two hours. This was ridiculous. I began berating myself. It was lust, pure and simple. Not love. Just luck that I’d found a hot babe who gave great head.
I stared at my wedding ring. I’d never had any jewellery before, now I had an eighteen-carat gold ring around my wedding finger. But although I kept playing with it as it felt unusual on my hand, I kind of liked it.
Last night I had drunk plenty, but I’d obviously not been as pissed up as my wife as at least I remembered getting married—and consummating the wedding. I mean did she not remember that too? It had been a bit of a quickie because by that point we’d almost dry humped each other to death, but still—bit of a knock to the system if she couldn’t remember it. I’d have to ask her, maybe. Perhaps it was better not to know?
The guys had been around my room now for a couple of hours and we were getting the video ready to upload, having had to edit it from different phones and what the chapel had given us. It had been surreal to watch the wedding sober. I couldn’t believe I’d actually done it.
“Well, your ratings are about to go through the roof. I’m sure.” Max said. “Are we gonna get room service and lots of booze and sit and watch what happens?”
“Of course!” I stretched out on the mattress, my head on the pillow. “It’s uploading. Pass the room service menu, Cam. All that sex today has made me ravenous.”
Three sets of eyes looked at me with envy.
“So what’s next then? Just get an annulment?” Jonno asked.
“I would imagine so. I need to arrange to meet her to sort it all out. She’s given me her phone number. But tonight lets just see what happens once the vlog hits and not worry about silly little things like me being legally wed to a fit bird.”
“Yeah my heart bleeds.” Jonno said. “Oh by the way,” he added. “You got your mobile phone nearby?”
“Yeah, why?”
It began ringing. “That’s why.”
I looked at the caller ID - my mother.
Shit.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Don’t you ‘hey ma’ me, you stupid child. Did I not bring you up with a brain in your head? I blame that bloody father of yours. Always making me the bad parent and letting you get away with murder. ‘Leave him be, Janet. The boy’s got to learn.’ What have you just learned now then? I’ll tell you. Number one: only complete tools would marry someone they only just met, and number two: only a complete dickhead—and yes you’re making your own mother be very rude—would get married WITHOUT THEIR MOTHER PRESENT.”
I held the phone out away from my ear because she’d just fried it with her ranting. She was so loud the guys could hear every word and were rolling around laughing. Yeah, thanks for the support there.
“Mum, it’s not a proper wedding. It’s just for the channel.”
“Oh.” She quietened down. “So it’s fake then? Bloody hell, it looked real. Did you have to pay the actress? She was very good at acting drunk I have to say.”
“Erm, no. The ceremony was legit and legal, but I’d only just met Mila earlie
r that night. I’m going to see her about getting an annulment.”
“Did you consummate the wedding, son?”
“Mother!”
“That’s a yes. I go back to my original statement. YOU’RE A COMPLETE DICKHEAD. Now I love you, but sort this out ASAP.”
With that she hung up on me.
“How long before those beers get here?”
We watched as the views kept climbing higher, and higher, and then it happened.
ONE MILLION SUBSCRIBERS.
I immediately did another video.
“Oh my God. Thank you so much guys. We just hit one million subscribers. That is amazing. Beyond my wildest dreams. We’re here now, the four of us, just chilling in my room. We have room service ordered, the beers will be here soon so we can celebrate more. But it's over to you. How do you want us to celebrate this milestone? Giveaways? You tell us. Please if you’ve liked the videos hit like. Don’t forget if you haven’t already to subscribe, and comment below with what we should do to celebrate.”
I logged off and then we watched as the comments came in.
There was the usual. Win a meet with us. Give away an Xbox. But one thing came up ten times more than any other suggestion.
We want to see more of Mila.
“Holy shit. They want to see the missus. How are you going to deliver on that one seeing as you’re getting an annulment?”
I chewed the side of my lip. The fact remained that we were here another five days yet, and I had an opportunity to spend a lot of that time having wildly hot sex if Mila was game. I was going to have to meet her, confess all and then see if I could get her on board with extending her time as Mrs Clayton. Just until the end of my trip.