by Annette Heys
A few days later they watched fireworks from a hospital window. Rockets and fountains lit up the sky and Ben chuckled and pointed to the brightly coloured sparks before they melted into blackness. At that moment Kate remembered feeling as though life was no more than a series of dreams, a journey in which we travel through periods of darkness and light. She was aware she had just been through one of the blackest periods of her life but was now standing in light. She later discovered that another name for meningitis is ‘spotted dog’. It was the trauma of almost losing her child that persuaded Kate to have another. Sam was born nine months later.
Her mother returned with the apple pie, bought at the bakery. When they’d finished eating they would go into the front room and her mother would resurrect another tale or two from her past, a past which Kate had worked out only seemed to cover one and a half decades of her life, between the ages of eleven and twenty six, just before she married her father. Had they been the best years of her life? Surely not. There had to be more to life than that.
She would stay for about an hour before leaving; glad to escape the monotony of the stories yet with a hint of sadness knowing her mother would spend the majority of another week alone.
3rd April
Well I suppose I better start at the beginning well I think I told you a bit about the landlady from hell who I lived with for a few years She must have been well in her 60’s she was a right bitch and her lazy bastard of a son I know I could have got another place to live but hated the thought of living by my self anyway I had a right argument and decided to leave it wasn’t untill later in the day I realised I had no where to stay I could have asked my reletives they didn’t want me to stay at their place in the first place that’s how I ended up with that bitch who I just left well here I was spending my first night out on the street I thought shit where am I going to go and what about sleep it was november and it was fucking cold there was frost on the ground early in the morning so there was no chance of sleep I have to admit I tried sleeping on a bench at a shopping centre it was like trying to sleep in the north pole I had to keep walking with my hands in my pockets it was that cold this was when winter was winter well I never sleept that night I just kept walking and walking what made it worse I only had about a tenner on me I was on the dole and I still had a week before I got paid so I went in this supermarket for some cigs and I see all this nice food but this tenner I had I had to make it last then I heard this little voice in my head say lets nick some food its not like they are gonna miss it when I thought about it my hart was pounding like mad I kept looking around to see if any body was watching so what I did I got a shopping basket there was no way I was going to stick things up my jumper so I went around like an ordinary shopper so I did not look out of place all the time I was shaking like a leaf I hated doing this but I could not see any other solution so it had to be done I looked at it like Robin Hood like borrowing from the rich and providing for the poor well any way there was these packet of pork pies yum yum I love them and some of those fancy sandwiches a few packets of them and some other stuff anyway the basket was half full and now I had to get out of the shop with out getting caught I walked by the checkout and there was one shut with a little chain across it I stept over it and headed straight for the door I did not dare look back I thought my hart was going to explode it was pounding like mad I kept walking and it was one of those revolving doors I just steped in and started to walk faster and faster I still did not dare look back I was expecting someone to tap me on the shoulder I think I would have died if that happened When I was far away from the shop I sat down and had a smoke I was shaking now I could just about hold my ciggy strange thing is I did not feel the cold for a while I dont want this to sound the way it does but I got a great high from what I just did I knew this food would not last long I knew deep down that I was gonna have to go through this again this was my first day on the street all I had to my name was some spare gear to wear now I had to get a wash so I went down to the hospital and fucked off to the toilets to get a wash or down the shopping centre anywere so I could get washed I did not want to be like these other people on the street smelly and dirty so Id go down the launderette to get some washing done I liked going there it was peaceful and warm it was a bit scary living on the streets the only thing I had on me to make me feel safe was this knife I found this was to prove my down fall in the end as you will find out later well I was probably into my third night on the street and well the food I had was all gone by now I was using what little money I had on ciggys only so I had to be Robin Hood again so I went back to this large shopping centre again I waited till it was busy so I would not stand out in the crowd my hart was still pounding but not as bad as the first time this time I needed more food than before so I would not have to do it again this time I got a shopping trolley and loaded that up you might wonder how I was gonna get this out well you werent the only one I surprised myself I walked past this checkout the person serving was busy so I went past this gap there were these customers looking at me while they were being served I prayed to god they wouldnt say anything and they never there was this one old bloke I caught his eye he had this smirk on his face I think he knew what I was doing he never said anything I thought that was close so heres me pushing this trolley out off the shop and down the road I still got this high from doing this I had this great rush of adrellaline going through me I had about five shopping bags full of food plus early in the morning Id see this milkman do his stuff I went past this chipshop at 6 in the morning and got some milk then the newspapers sitting outside this shop so I grabbed a few papers to read I love reading newspapers even if they are not mine dont think I steal of anybody I would not it was just I had to look after number one Ive never did anything like this since and I dont intend to either you have to understand my perdicament at the time I hope you dont hate me for this Id hate to lose you as a friend I do think a lot about you all good things of course?
So Im still on the street and its getting colder and I was getting really pissed off with life if I knew my life was going to be like this I would have ended it a long time ago I had a right shitty life so I only had one thing on my mind and that was to end it I had no one to turn to or go to I was all alone for the first time and the way I saw it at the time no one was going to miss me I was not feeling sorry for myself Id been feeling pretty low for a while I know now I was feeling very depressed as each day went by I was getting more and more depressed so I bought yes a load of tablets and some booze I waited till night so nobody would see me not that they would and just downed most the tablets and drink and waited I just lay on the grass looking up at the sky and waited to die I fell asleep I dont know how long for but I woke up feeling very sick I just lay there being sick over and over I brought most of the tablets up not that I wanted to I new I was not going to die now I knew I really couldnt do anything right I was devastated I went for a wash I looked really bad I hardly had a couple of hours sleep in 3 or 4 days I felt shattered I was in a right shitty mood.
Well not much happened over the next few days not until that night I took someones life I think I was in the local shopping town just to kill some time as there was not much to do and nobody to talk to well anyway I spent a few hours in the town and started to make my way back to were I was dosing about 3 or 4 miles away I did like walking a lot well I got to were I was hanging about I stopped at this bus shelter for a rest and a smoke it was still cold it was that cold I had 2 pairs of jeans just as well I know I went around to the hospital for a hot drink I dont know how long that was for but I stayed until I was warmed up I know I went around to the bus shelter again to keep out of the cold there were some people getting the bus but anyway there was this one bloke sitting in there well about 5 minutes went by and a couple of women came waiting for the bus not long after I heard this thud on the ground one of the women was having a fit so I ran to get an ambulance for her and it came and took her away I did feel sorry for her I wished I could h
ave done more to help her but never mind anyway this vagerant and me are by ourselfs and he stank badly I just could not stand it any more and told him to fuck off something like that anyway he said something well I just saw red and started hitting him I just could not control my anger I dont know what come over me Ive never acted like this before it was frightening then this knife of mine fell out of my pocket and I just started hitting him with it what I did next shocked me compleatly I dont believe it I stuck the knife in him I just stood their looking at this bloke with the knife in him he then fell to the ground I went forward to try and pull the blade out he just started kicking at me I think he thought I might do it again I looked up and saw people coming around the corner of the bus shelter I panicked and ran the other way around the hospital I now felt sick I went into the hospital for a drink not really just to get out of the way anyway I waited at the waiting room with some other people then a couple of police came in and asked everyone if they saw something going on at the hospital I had my back to them I was a nervous wreck by now and I saw spots of blood on me and nobody else noticed I went to the toilet and threw my jeans in the bin I sat on the toilet seat with my head in my hands this was when I decided to give myself up what made me do this was when I was waiting in the hospital I heard someone coming in screaming it was him when I left the hospital I saw all these police I didnt know what to do so I got out of the way I went in the chip shop until the police went further up the street I didnt go in the chip shop for anything Im not that cold harted or may be I am after this horrible crime Im nothing but evil
I left the chip shop and decided to give myself up it was the right thing to do I could not live with this if I did’nt
The police station must have been 3 or 4 miles I was like a zombie just walking and walking then I got to this police station even then I knew it was the beginning of the end for me but I had to do this you know I always wished he killed me after all Im the one who wanted to die it should never have been him he would have been better of in here.
Well Kate I hope this is what you want Im not that good at putting feelings into things so I hope this will be alright
This second letter from Michael left Kate feeling troubled. He had reiterated much of what he’d already told her but in more detail and at times at odds with the first. She seemed to remember he’d left his relatives because it was too crowded living there with eight people. Now he says they didn’t want him there in the first place. From the tone of his letter, it seemed going back and looking more closely at his life prior to the stabbing had awakened in him bitterness, anger and resentment towards everyone involved. He says he’s not that good at putting feelings into things but the emotion is there: in the notable change in his childlike handwriting, now smaller and shaky; in his use of short sentences, lack of punctuation and aggressive language. What if it really wasn’t a good thing for him to go back, to return to what must have been the darkest day in his whole life? Kate believed that writing was therapeutic, that it could act as a catharsis to release pent up emotions, but what if it turned out to do the opposite? What if instead of cleansing his soul he’d opened up a can of worms?
Regardless of what Jim might think, she didn’t believe he was looking for sympathy. He truly believed he deserved to be locked up, even wished he could swap places with his victim. She didn’t see a heartless, evil person; she saw someone who had led a tragic life which culminated in the most tragic of circumstances. He could have walked away from the scene but his conscience wouldn’t let him. At that stage he didn’t know how badly injured this man was. What were his chances of being discovered? No one saw anything. And this person—a tramp—what of his life; who would have missed him? Kate found herself wondering what she would have done in the same situation. All those lives irrevocably changed by a chance meeting with a stranger one cold winter’s night. If he’d had no conscience, it might just have been the one.
Then again, Mac had so much anger in him, so much intolerance towards others it was probably just a matter of time before something like this happened. He hadn’t had much luck in life. School, friends, family, girls,—all had let him down in one way or another.
She wondered if there was anything that could have changed events. From what he had told her so far, there was probably little he could have done about the bullying. Being the product of a Catholic/Protestant relationship in Belfast must have been hell and a child would have no chance of defending himself against those who chose to vent their anger on someone from such a union. His decision to move to England didn’t work out because he was unable to find somewhere suitable to live. Meeting his father after fifteen years with the notion he might have changed was soon shattered on discovering he was still a drunkard and a brute. The girls he met all seemed too worldly wise for this boy from Belfast who’d led a sheltered life. Like a Greek Tragedy, once the chain of events was set in motion, it was unstoppable.
It was difficult to make sense of someone else’s life. It was often difficult to make sense of one’s own. But it made her think. The grievances she had about her own childhood now seemed insignificant by comparison. Despite her mother’s sharp temper and her parents’ quarrels, there had been a sense of security about their home life. The excessive restrictions really amounted to over protectiveness but it’s impossible to see that as a child with a whole world to explore.
Most of the people Mac associated with appeared to have little or no stability in their lives. No, there was probably nothing he could have done to change things. His anger and intolerance, along with all the other negative emotions that had been brooding inside of him for years, were finally released in a bus shelter on a freezing night when he plunged a knife through the chest of an unsuspecting tramp.
Kate folded the letter, went upstairs to the bedroom and slid back the wardrobe door. Reaching up to the top shelf, she pulled out a tin where she kept her private papers and placed Michael’s letter at the bottom with the other. This act of secrecy made her feel uneasy. She wondered if she had made a mistake by asking Michael to write about his life. He had murdered someone, been sentenced and was now paying the price. The whole idea of this exercise was meant to help him . . . but help him what? How was it supposed to help him? Come to terms with what he’d done? Get things off his chest? She thought about the reason she’d asked him to write in the first place; wasn’t it to enable him to become more articulate. Yet, if he didn’t want anyone to know about the things he’d written, how would that help him? She wondered who this exercise was affecting most, Michael or herself. She wondered how difficult it was for him to revisit his miserable existence again and how much it might affect him emotionally. If he’d been in prison for seven years and had never spoken to anyone about his past or his crime, then this could not have been an easy thing for him to do. She wondered how he felt about himself. In his letter he said he was ‘nothing but evil’. Harsh words, and if he really meant them, he must be full of self-loathing. In a way she felt responsible because she had asked him to look back on his past. She couldn’t just leave it like this; she had to try and make him realise that he wasn’t evil, that all this happened because of everything that had gone wrong in his life, because of his landlady, his father, the lack of sleep, cold and hunger. All these things contributed to what happened that night, she felt sure. He was already being punished for what he’d done and he had to learn to forgive himself. All right, he could never forget what happened that night but he couldn’t go on punishing himself for the rest of his life.
She found some paper. Writing to him didn’t feel right but knew it was the only way to let him know he wasn’t the monster he believed himself to be.
Again, I found your letter very sad. It’s hard to imagine how desperate you must have been feeling when you were living on the street. It’s terrible that you felt you had no one to turn to after leaving your landlady’s place. If only you could have returned to your relatives for a couple of weeks befo
re going back to Belfast. But I expect you’ve already thought about that,—thought about everything that might have changed things.
I can understand you not wanting to live on your own. I tried it once for a few weeks and hated it. I don’t like being on my own either.
No, I don’t hate you for stealing from the supermarket. I don’t suppose you had much choice at the time. It’s difficult to know what anyone would do in that situation. It would have been better if you had been caught coming out of the supermarket; it might have changed everything.
I don’t believe you are an evil person, Michael. After all, you gave yourself up, and from what you say, it seems as though no one knew who had attacked that man. That shows you ‘couldn’t live with what you’d done’; it shows you have a conscience, so you can’t be evil.
Also, what you did wasn’t pre-meditated. You didn’t set out to kill someone that night. After everything that had happened to you, especially the constant lack of sleep at your lodgings, and then living outside in freezing weather still unable to sleep, must have added to your momentary loss of control.