by Annette Heys
She shivered as the car began to cool down. She desperately wanted to find out what was happening inside the flat and tried to concentrate on the radio to stop herself from going up there. The morning was cold and grey and she noted again the depressing aspect of the block of flats in front of her, remembered the dour walls within and the stinking lift that stopped on an equally dour landing. People shouldn’t have to live in these places, she thought.
An old song pervaded her gloomy thoughts . . . I can see clearly now the rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way . . . and she remembered first hearing it when she was pregnant with Ben. Even now, after all these years, she still experienced the nausea associated with morning sickness. The irony was, she couldn’t see clearly at all at that time, far from it. It was another period in her life when she thought things couldn’t get any worse. But now was not the time to dwell on the past. She needed to focus on the present.
She suddenly shuddered again. What was keeping them? Impulsively, she leaned over and took the keys out of the ignition. She would find out. Locking the car, she hurried around the side of the flats, ran through the door with the broken lock and headed for the lift. She pressed the button and waited, fiddling with the car keys as she watched the numbers slowly change above the door. Finally it arrived and she jumped inside, the stench assaulting her nostrils once again. The lift slowly clanked its way up to floor eleven. As soon as the door opened she sprinted out. Close by, a door slammed shut and as she walked around the corner, Ben and Sam were walking towards her, each carrying a couple of bin bags.
‘Sorry it took so long; I couldn’t find half the stuff I needed to bring with me,’ Ben said, shoving one of the bin bags into a chute in the wall.
Sam glowered at him. ‘Right, let’s get a move on. I can’t hang around here all day. I’ve got things to do at home.’
‘Have you emptied the fridge? Switched everything off? Kate asked him. ‘It’s going to be several weeks before you come back.’
‘Don’t worry, Mum, everything’s sorted.’
Again, Kate noticed a look of annoyance on Sam’s face as she glanced over at him before handing him one of the bags. She imagined Sam had been cleaning up for him. She wouldn’t leave the place in a state even if it wasn’t her mess. As children, Sam’s room was immaculate while Ben’s was the pits. Nothing had changed.
On the way home Kate made a pathetic attempt to break the silence. ‘Sam, would you and Alex like to come for tea?’
‘You’re OK thanks, Mum; I’ve already got something in.’
‘What about you, Ben; do you fancy anything special?’
‘Wouldn’t mind pizza,’ he replied.
‘Right, I’ll send for something later. There’s a takeaway in the village. You can sort your things out and have a rest before we eat.’
It seemed Sam was in no mood for chit-chat as she slipped a CD into the cassette and turned up the volume. It was some pop group completely alien to Kate but they were sufficiently loud enough to discourage conversation, and they continued their journey without another word between them.
She was relieved when Sam finally pulled up at home. ‘Are you coming in for a while? Kate asked, climbing out of the car. She thought it might make things easier if Sam was there. She and Jim had always got on.
‘No, I’ve got to get back. I’ll give you a call tomorrow, make sure everything’s OK.’
‘It had better be,’ she said looking at Ben. ‘Right, I’ll go and see what Jim’s up to. I left him tidying the spare room.’ As she walked up the path to the front door, she overheard Sam speaking to Ben and caught the words ‘You’d better tell them.’
She turned to see Ben wriggling out of the back seat. ‘Don’t worry, I will,’ he told her, quickly picking up the bin bags as if he couldn’t get away fast enough. Sam saw Kate watching them and turned around. Once she’d made sure that Ben was clear of the car, she gave her a wave and drove off down the road. Ben gave a weak smile and came striding up the path towards her.
‘What was all that about?’
‘What?’ he asked, feigning surprise.
‘What had you better tell us?’
‘Mum, can’t it wait. I’m really tired. I hardly slept a wink last night.’
‘None of us did . . . OK, but sometime today we need to talk, Ben.’ She quickly tempered the harshness in her tone before continuing, ‘It’s just that, we want to help you, but we can’t if you won’t tell us what’s wrong.’
‘I know and I’m really sorry . . .’
A look of sadness pierced his eyes and she was reminded of the prison hospital and Michael’s pained apology for what he’d done. ‘Come on, let’s get inside. You’re right, we’ll talk later.’
Jim stood up as we entered the living room. ‘All right, Ben? Come and sit down.’
‘Thanks,’ Ben said, looking slightly uncomfortable.
‘Jim, will you help me with these bags. You’ve sorted the room?’ She needed to talk to him alone before he jumped in with both feet.
‘Yes, it’s all ready.’ Jim picked up Ben’s bags.
‘It’s OK, I’ll take them . . .’
‘No, you stay there,’ Kate told him. ‘Once I’ve checked your room, you can go up and have a lie down before dinner.’ Jim and Kate went upstairs with Ben’s things. As soon as they were alone, as she’d predicted, Jim fired a question at her.
‘Well, what has he said?’
‘Nothing, yet. I told him we’d talk about it later.’ Jim shrugged and twisted his lips. ‘It’s no good looking at me like that, Jim. I’m not going to grill him as soon as he sets foot through the door. God knows what he might do.’
‘OK, OK. We’ll give him a couple of days to settle in. See how things go.’
Her sense of relief was immense if not a little surprising. She’d expected more resistance than that. What with Michael’s problems and now Ben, she needed Jim’s support more than ever. As long as they kept a united front, she felt sure they could help Ben through his problems. She took hold of Jim’s hands. ‘Thanks, Jim. You don’t know how much this means to me.’
‘Oh, I think I do.’ He smiled briefly and pulled away. ‘Better get back downstairs or he’ll think we’re colluding against him.’
Kate felt the weight falling from her shoulders and was happy to have her son home where she could take care of him.
Ben was eager to get up to his room and rest. He looked pale and gaunt and she thought of the day, not too far away, when he’d look healthy and strong again. She supposed it was easy to slip into bad habits, not eating properly or keeping on top of things when living alone. She would build him up and help him to get back on track. Hopefully, in a few weeks he would return home ready to face up to things with a more positive attitude. As she was thinking these things through, Jim surprised her by saying he was going out for a walk. ‘But it’s raining,’ she protested.
‘And? I won’t melt. I just feel like getting out for a while.’ She watched as he pulled on his jacket. He looked up and before she could utter a word he took hold of her shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. ‘Won’t be long.’ A few seconds later he was gone.
So he needed some space, Kate thought. It was understandable in the circumstances. It wasn’t an ideal situation but it would only be for a few weeks. She would just have to accept his need to escape from it all.
She went to her briefcase and took out her students’ work. She might as well use this opportunity to do some marking while Ben was resting and Jim had disappeared for a while. It would be hours before she need order a pizza.
Amongst the paperwork were a couple of exercises Michael had given her to look at. She thought about his last letter and the personal nature of it. By telling her everything about his sexual activities, past and present, she wondered if he was still trying to tempt her into
telling him about her own—though he had made a point of saying he hoped he wasn’t being too personal. Maybe he truly didn’t understand the boundaries between them and now saw her more as a friend than tutor. Or perhaps the fantasy world was taking over completely. The regime could tell him when to get up, when to eat, what he could or could not do, but no one could stop him from fantasising about whatever he liked. She had to admit, it worried her. Maybe she should try harder to get a job outside prison. She had managed to pick up a few more hours in a college doing GCSE English re-sits with sixteen year olds, which in some respects was more demanding than the prison work. At least the prisoners were well behaved in class.
Meanwhile, Jim was hurrying along wet streets with the rain pouring down his collar and into his shoes while phoning for a taxi on his mobile.
Kate had been working at the prison for several months before she received notification to attend a security meeting. Eight new employees from various departments within the prison gathered in a conference room to be instructed on prison regulations. These included personal safety, what was or was not acceptable between employee and prisoner; for instance, no one was to bring anything in for a prisoner, even if they offered to pay for it. Kate realised she had already broken that rule when a prisoner asked her to get him some moisturiser for his dry skin. She didn’t even consider it might be against the rules until Michael told her it was a very serious offence for anyone discovered bringing anything at all into prison for any inmate, no matter how trivial the request. The reasons for this were now made clear by the prison officer giving the talk. Bribes and bartering was rife inside and the fewer illicit commodities prisoners had, the easier it was to control.
When the officer talked about the relationship between employee and prisoner, Kate sat up with renewed interest. He emphasised that there must always be a working ‘distance’ between employee and prisoner. Whilst recognising that someone could easily feel compassion for a prisoner for one reason or another, it must always be remembered that they were behind bars because they had committed a crime. You could be a ‘friend’ to a prisoner but couldn’t form a ‘friendship’ with him. Kate listened carefully to all this, not without some concern, and when asked if there were any questions, she quickly tried to formulate a question that would cover the situation she was in. A prisoner is writing me page after page about his life . . . I’m replying but it’s an exercise . . . he doesn’t want anyone to know . . . the content is sometimes . . . The moment passed and the officer moved on to something else. Her heart pounded and she knew that had she managed to ask the question, she would have been told exactly what she must do. But it was too late.
By the time she left the security talk, she had convinced herself that she was simply being a ‘friend’ to Michael because she was still maintaining a working ‘distance’ from him.
She had visited Michael every Friday in hospital until he was well enough to come back to class. He still spent most of his time in the hospital and had been given a cleaning job which he seemed to enjoy. On those visits, they had been much more relaxed since there was no one else around to listen in on their conversations. In the small waiting room they were able to sit together and chat about how he was doing or what had happened during the week. Once he showed her some photographs of his family. It was the first time he’d really spoken about them and he seemed proud to be telling her their names and whether they were courting or married. This seemed to be a sign he was feeling happier because previously he’d never shown the slightest interest in his family, saying he wasn’t bothered if he never saw them again. He had told Kate they never visited him, but as far as she could tell, he never encouraged them to.
Now they were back in the classroom, she had to revert to being tutor rather than friend, and he just one of the students. It wasn’t that in those visits to the hospital there had been anything untoward between them; it was just that, as before, she could not show any favouritism or give more attention to one person than another; she had to be seen to be keeping a professional distance from him, as the system dictated.
She now knew quite a bit about Michael’s life but he still wanted to carry on writing and on his first day back he gave her a letter which began by giving painful details about his trial, something she had asked about on her last visit to him in hospital. He soon lapsed into a more personal account of his life, along with his fantasies. Recently, he’d begun to make sexual remarks in class and only that morning he’d made some quip that she passed off without comment. She now realised that this might have been seen as a sign of encouragement. Another disturbing aspect was when she read something factual he’d written about her or a member of her family. Sometimes she would tell him something about her life in order to make him feel better or to show him that everyone has problems. This brought to mind another warning from the security talk. Never tell them anything about yourself.
16th May
I remember a lot about going to court before I got sentenced to life it was a frighting experience I had to listen to all these things I did to this poor man I could not believe it was me they were talking about standing or sitting in court I was shaking like mad I knew I had did this horrible thing and there was nothing I could do to change this I remember the final day and all these people who came along to see me get life none of these people knew me or the victim they all come for there own pleasure I could never do this I kept thinking when I was in court why do’nt they just find me guilty and get it over with my Mum and her brother were there I thought when Im found guilty how she was going to feel at the end of it it did not help when all these people in court describe me as some horrible monster and nothing but evil and cold blooded person of course they were right It was then when I heard the judge say I sentence you to life in prison I did not think much about it at the time I did feel numb and cold all 12 people on the jury found me guilty it took them less than a minute to make there minds up I could not believe my life could get any worse I had nothing but shit all the way through it anyway once the judge said them words I thought thats it I wont see my family again I wont be able to do some of the few things I enjoyed then I thought you selfish bastard you just killed someone he’s got no life at all you took that away from him I’ve no excuse Im the lowest of them all like the judge said you are a cold evil murder who deserves life with the key thrown away you should rot in jail for your crime he did not say this but this is what I thought they would like to have said anyway court had finished and I was led away they let me see my Mum this is not actually true I thought well who’s going to want to know me I did not want to see my Mum how could I look her in the eye now I felt so ashamed of myself I could not understand why she still wanted to see me I would not have blamed her if she did not want to know me any more I was the black sheep of the family thats the way I looked at it and still do when she came and saw me I wanted to put my arms around her and say how sorry I was but thats something we have never done my Mum has never showed effection to any of us and us the same it sounds strange thats how its always been I’ve never put my arms around anybody and I probably would not know how to anyway well when I saw my Mum I expected to see her upset but that was not the case she was fine or she put on a good act it was like nothing happened she did not ask how I was I never asked how she was it was like neither of us wanted to show are feelings it was like meeting for the first time like how are you what you been up to then that kind of thing this is what I mean we have never been taught to show effection in our family well when I was put in the back of the van to go to jail I just staired out the window I could not talk I had some bloke next to me trying to talk to me but I was miles away I could not stop thinking about prison and how long I was going to have to do and thought how was I going to cope I was going to a place with all these strange people I was not used to dealing with being around men when I got to this prison in London I did not come out of my cell I could not It took me a while to get over this it was probably
all the things people used to tell me about prison when I was outside like what some of these people do to you when your in the shower but I now know this is a load of rubbish I was more worried about having to get changed in front of all these people while we were all going for a shower because of what I told you about me being small down below I had to make sure I was first in the shower and last out I would stand facing the wall so no one would see my small embaressment I really hated shower time it was a personal nightmare for me its like while Im down in this hospital I youse the shower every morning but with the light out or if I have to get a cell search they strip search you as well but you take one thing of at a time this is why my tee shirts are always long so when I take this of first then put it back on while I take the other stuff of one at a time I find this embaressing as well you might find this situation funny I hope you do it stresses me out badly I told you all this before I still can’t believe all these girls I turned down when I was outside if I was like I am now it would not bother me one bit about my small problem like I said there is now woman I could not satisfie on this earth they would not have to pretend to have an orgasm they would have no need to fake it what I lack down below I more than make up for in other ways I was only thinking this morning who needs Viagra being married to you you are a compleat turn on. When I was in the class I couldnt help looking at you you dress and look so very sexy XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX even though I only did it with one girl I still had a little fun like the time I lived in Birmingham there was this one girl who I knew fancied me for what reason I could not say Anyway this girl kept coming around to see me . . . and one day I just happen to have the place to myself well we got talking like I say I never felt anything for this girl she was more of a good friend than anything my landlady liked her she used to help out a lot and she was the only girl who was allowed in my bedroom cause my landlady knew there was nothing between us anyway I remember her saying to me once not to let her drink the hard stuff I had drink in the house and offered her it she took it and much more as well anyway she started getting a bit playful with me I tried to hold her back but I thought to heck with it lets see how far this gets so anyway she starts kissing me I thought shit what am I going to do now well considering it was a while since I went out with any girl since that girl I told you about the wicked bitch so I was not sure wheather to stop this before it got any further then she stops kissing me and sits up and takes her top off my heart was now pounding like mad and she was not even wearing anything under her top you know what I was thinking at the time do friends do this kind of thing stupid arnt I well she looked well so good Im seeing her in a different light now I wanted to touch her but I kept thinking shit she will want to touch me and Im not proud of what I’ve got so I was in two minds what to do so I thought sod it when it gets up. My thing that is its a reasonable size for some girls so I squeezed her breast gently I found myself lying her on the floor I went in the kitchen for some ice cubes you know what comes next well if you want to know I will tell you only if you want that is you will have to say wheather you want to hear what happens next I can tell you this for nothing you never seen anyone squirm so much in your life Then Id go home look long and hard in the mirror and think what could she possibly see in me she must have been very desperate . . . lets see now what else can I think about to tell you you already know so much about me I will try and think of something you dont know about me Well what about this my Mum asked my cousin around to look after us while she went out to bingo all the rest of my sisters went to friends house’s and my brother went out with his mates this cousin happened to be well you guessed it a girl she was 19 I was only 15 at the time She was a randy cow I always seemed to attract these people you know she wanted to play doctors and nurse’s with me I was very very shy at this age and she knew it she once took all her clothes of for me she was very rude she would ask me to do all these rude things but I never had a clue what she was talking about at the time she knew how to make even me blush she was not the only cousin I had who’se hormones were all over the place I had this younger cousin a year younger than me she was the same must have been something in the water over here she would come around when she knew my Mum went out and even the woman next doors daughter as well Im not even gods gift to women but I could have had quite a few if it was not for my small problem your a woman you see nothing in me just say you wernt married I never asked any of these girls why they wanted me . . . and its like this other woman she had four kids and she fell for me she wanted me to live with her but I dont think so she was 26 I was only turned 21 I was naïve and to young for that kind of relationship and then this other woman had three kids she wanted me as well she would wait till her boyfriend went out then she would ask me over she would have eaten me alive if you know what I mean she was a man eater Im glad I resisted her charms because a while later I heard she gave some guy some sexual desease which I’ve never had I would never use a condom and anyway they don’t come in my size it would probably fall off anyway I wish I had this affect on all the women I’ve met well the only reason Im going on so much here is because Im down here in this dorm for five and Im the only one left so Im by myself and only you to talk to even if it is only on paper Im on my 8th page already and its not even 9 o’clock yet and at least my love life is back on again being in here alone again I told you in that other letter how many times a day I do it I told you it’s the most natural thing to do especially when you have no partner Im always at it when there is nobody else around Somebody once told me I will go blind or it will fall off it does not make much difference to me if it fell off there’s not that much left anyway what else can I waffle on about now . . . I felt I’ve knowen you a long time now I remember when I started to notice you as a good person and friend was remember when they decorated the education and classes were on the wings remember well I do very well I remember class had finished on the wing and when I got back to my cell I felt really guilty for leaving you over on the wing sitting by yourself I had no idea they took so long to come and pick you up so I decided I would wait till someone come for you I only did it because I thought well if I was you on the wing and you being a woman and all I would not have felt very comfortable by myself so I decided to look after you until someone come for you I felt a bit shy about telling you this at the time I think that teacher who kept picking you up must have thought I was some kind of weirdo but I know I’m not I just like looking out for people I have to admit something you have brought me out of myself even if it is only in front of you I remember I was very shy around you and I could never have told you any of this at the time but now I can talk to you about anything its like I talk to you in class and I forget there are other people in there . . . I have to stop one minute this guy on the telly is starting to undress this woman what a let down it was all over before it started the boring git I would not mind but not one person down here has any girlie magazines my imagination is running thin no hold up I’ve just thought of someone not a million miles from here she has this fantastic black top but puts it away for week ends I will have to ask if I can have classes at the week ends well you might think Im being nosey now what I was going to ask was how did you and your hubby meet and how much older is he than you I never felt that comfortable around people my own age I always got on better with a more mature person if I was going out with someone 20 years older than me it would not bother me one bit and I would not care what other people thought about it either if someone is happy with the other person then that’s all that matters Im not looking for a motherly type of woman I just find the more mature women more attractive than the younger ones I hope Im not being to personal tell me to mind my own business if you like . . . anyway that stuff you mention the other day about trying for a job at some college you will get it no problem you are a very smart woman and a great teacher the only thing is we might lose you as our teacher and it would be strange coming into the class and finding you not there any more Ive enjoyed seeing your warm
smile first thing in the mornings you make dull days bright you really do no joking theres been plenty of times I have come in the class feeling a bit down you have this something about you and you cheer everyone up with your laugh or you might say something funny you always seem jolly even when I know there is something up with you you don’t bring your problems to work you are very popular with everyone you are a very valuable teacher and person . . . I’ve done work for you I never thought I could do like poems I never did anything like this before they maybe rubbish and you got me doing other work I never had the confidence to do but you kept pushing me to do the work and now I wonder what all the fuss was about you are so confident in me that when I fail to do the work I don’t feel I’ve let myself down I feel I’ve let you down because you have so much faith in me I hate letting you down this is the way I am I do things to please others not myself . . . you reckon you did not wish to tell me your life story cause you thought it would bore me well it could not be as boring as mine thats for sure . . . anyway this maybe the last time I write this kind of stuff for you cause once you get that other Job you will be way to busy for anything else I’ve enjoyed doing this for ya and I also enjoyed reading your stuff maybe you could give your views on this for the last time Ive said your talents are wasted here at this place I hope you don’t mind me talking like this Im talking to you like this as if I was a good friend of yours outside Ive never forgot the fact that you are my teacher and I also have not forgot you are happily married as well I never had anybody who I could really talk to before or ever like this Im sorry if I seem to be to open or a bit to forward this is just the way I really am so take it easy and take good care of that family of yours as you all ways have