by Annette Heys
Point one. ‘you say you had to listen to all these things you did to him do you mean that some of it was made up by them or that there was more to it than your losing control when you argued with him’
Point two. ‘and didn’t you tell anybody about the things that had happened to you prior to the event as I would have thought things wouldn’t have been so bad for you if you had’
Point three. ‘you have said you gave two reasons the first on someones advice. What did they tell you to say’
what I meant by saying I had to listen to all these things I did to him was I felt bad enough about what Id done to him and they wanted me to go over and over the same story I know what I did to him its like your partener has just been caught having an affair with someone and you take him back but every time an argument comes up you go back to his affair what Im trying to say is when you do something bad you just want to try and forget it or put it in the back of your mind and hope it goes away none of what they were saying was made up I just explain myself wrong to you as usual Im just plain and simply stupid thats all very thick about me losing control there was no more to it I just lost my self control at the time and nobody is more sorry than me about what happened I’ve said this so many times if I was like I am today now and know what I know now none of this would have happened this is why Im nothing more than an animal a cold blooded evil murderer scum off the earth this is point one
and know point two
why did I not tell anybody what had happened to me prior to the event what tell them about me being on the street or what happened to me in the past well my past you have to understand courts are very scary places to be in if you have never been in one they scare the shit out of anyone they did me I have to be honest all this was new to me I did not understand half the things they were going on about at the time I just wanted it over with as soon as possible and anyway there was no way I was going to stand up in court in front of everyone and tell them my past I could not have controlled myself emotionly and anyway the Jury and Judge would have seen it as me trying to pull a fast one on them by trying to make them feel sorry for me no I got what I deserved for taking someones life no I don’t really I should have got life meaning life with the key throwen away I really mean this Kate this is point two
now for point three
you have said you have two versions—the first on someones advice I have to say I was a bit lost here you must of read some of the old stuff I gave you I hope Im write I will try and explain for you as best as I can when I was in jail waiting to go to court I got talking to some people inside well anyway I got to share a cell with this older guy he asked me what I was in for well I told him he started telling me to change my statement because I never knew any better at the time so he said to say when I next saw my baristers that I was to change my story I now look back on it and see how really stupid I was and still am I can’t really remember the bull shit version of my statement because that’s what it was but when I got to court I was made to look a compleat liar as you can imagine for changing my statement I should have listened to nobody but I did a 5 year old would have had more sence than to listen to someone else That bloke just droped me in the shit further than I already was so I hope I have told you what you need to know if not you can always ask again anyhow Im glad that thing about my T shirt brought a smile to your face I would have liked to have seen it if I can bring a smile to that beautiful face of yours then I am very happy indeed you say I have nothing to worry about because of the size I’am down below I have to tell you something it bothers me a great deal if you seen it you would not say to hell with it Id show you it and you would soon change your mind I don’t dare ware a shorter T-shirt in case I get called for a drug test or a cell search Ill tell you its 6 ½ I can’t believe Im telling you this considering your a woman but as I say I trust women well one certain one anyway I told you you wont find any man more honest than me or stupid enough to mention these kind of things but like I say I feel I can tell you anything you want to know anything at all you know something I thought about doing a questionair on you you know I have a one track mind well it would not be tatty or tastless I would ask you questions and you will be very surprised what I ask you probably things nobody has asked you before Id ask you about 30-40 questions and you simply can’t say yes or no or that would be to easy or just a kop out no you would have to give an answer to the question so what do you think yes or no your decission nobody else’s I think it would be fun you don’t know what sort of things I would ask you I think you would find it very interesting I really think you would so let me know if it is yes or no
if its yes I could easally find a good 50 or 60 questions your heart is probably pounding thinking if I say yes what am I letting myself in for or if I say no what would have been the questions knowing what sort of person I’am and being straight to the point with some of my questions about you already are you game for a laugh or are you taking the easy way out
by the time you told me about what not to write to you about Id already given you that written stuff I felt so foolish but I meant all that stuff I said when I wrote all them things in that letter I gave you Id forgotten most of the things I say in it like I can’t remember asking about your husband but thanks for telling me he sounds like a good man to me don’t forget to mention this to him I told you this before and you said you would tell him he is a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very veryvery very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky luckylucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky man indeed I bet you forget to tell him this little thing look straight up the page I don’t think so somehow do you my hand is hurting big time Im going to have to get the nurse to massarge them you don’t fancy doing them do you I think I’ve used up my one brain cell I cant think of much else to say so I except I don’t seem to get to spend any time with you any more in the class when it has finished I used to get five minutes or more but not no more which is a big shame
before turning this page over I have to say don’t look on the other side its totally up to you wheather you do or not I know you will be wondering what it is well its nothing don’t even bother turning this page over I mean it just take no notice its just a load of rubbish D N T over
Look at this before reading on its entirely up to you wheather you want to read on
Well you reckon I write well this is me writing really badly I’m ashamed to give you this really but its just to show you I can write the biggest load off shit you ever saw you can’t and you won’t disagree with me on this one I wish I could blame somebody else for this of course I can me who else If there is something you arent sure about or want to know just mention it next time.
whats it like to be married to your husband for fourteen years knowing each others bad habits and knowing each other so well? don’t you both ever get bored of each other? I dont mean this in a rude way you both must have had bad arguments with each other? who makes the first move to say sorry? or are you both stuburn as each other? if he want
s to go one place and you another who usually has to compromise? I suppose you ware the trousers in your house? as I know you are a very strong woman I mean you seem to me you always get your own way? have you ever fallen out with each other that you have nearly split up? who out of you both has the worse habit? do you ever regret getting married? do you ever get jelous when your husband goes out with other women? Does he get jelous of you when you are out with male friends? have you ever thought about having an affair while you have been married? what would you do if you found out your husband was having an affair with another woman? have you ever been imbaressed in front of your husband what was it? have you ever faked an orgasm with your husband? Do you enjoy sex? XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX
I know your mind is wondering whats been blacked out well you only have to ask me say for arguments sake you have sex 2 times a week? if you thought Viagra would boost this to say 4 times a day every day that’s 28 times all week would you take it? Do you sleep naked or ware something in bed? if your hubby said dont ware anything in bed would you? would you have liked more kids? if your sister was desperate for a kid and she could not have one and she asked you to get pregnent for her would you do this? is there anybody you have seen on T.V. or film star you would have liked to have gone out with? have you ever thought once or more in your 14 years of marriage about ever being unfaithful with your husband? anybody who has been married for 14 years or more or even less must have thought about this a few times if you could be anybody you wanted what would be your dream job? if you could have a one to one with anybody who would it be and why? if your husband asked you to dress up for him and he suggested a nurse’s uniform or one of these people who just dress in high heels black stockings suspenders nothing else no panties no bra just a whip handcuffs and a few chains would you agree to this considering it was in the private of your home? if playboy was to offer you 3 million to pose naked and not have to show your face would you? if you could have an affair with someone and get away with it would you be tempted at all? were in the world would you most like to live? with that great body you have how or what do you do to keep in such great shape? is there anybody in this world who you would most like to be if so who would it be and why?
would you be happy if you did not have much money?
what are your 5 main intrests in life what is it you enjoy doing the most? do you enjoy a good argument and do you usually win them? if you could live your life over again what would you change about it and why? whats the worst thing about being a mother and why? How do you feel when people say you are really sexy? because you really are Kate take it from me I know. What would you change about yourself if you could and what would it be? for you whats the biggest thrill in your life at the moment? and what would you do if your numbers come up on the lottery?
Well I don’t expect you to answer any of these as I know you wont but you have to admit there are some questions you might not think someone would ask you but I would have like to know some of the answers people or should I say me are very curious about other people or is it I’m just being plain nosey on my behalf now you know what sort of things I would ask you if I had the chance have I sent you to sleep yet I have that kind of affect on people you know well education was crap this morning first I arrived to early and had to go back to the hospital then when I finally get there Peter is filling in for John who is still of sick that Peter is alright I think he is funny anyway we had not sat down for long and we were told we are going back to the wing so everybody is ready to leave then we are told we are going know where so we all went back to class then 10 minutes later we are told again we are all going back to are cells what a carry on I feel sorry for those cookery classes having to put everything away then told to get it all out again then being told to put all the things back again I think they were all pissed off I don’t think these screws have a brain cell between the lot of them they could not organise a piss up in a brewery talking about me being that bit more confident in the class with reading and other things well its all down to you you sort of put me on the spot to read out in class you being around I feel that much more confident I told you John tryed to get me to read but I can get out of anything with John no problem but you no way you are hard work but I did tell you you just got to keep on at me and pushing me to do things that’s what you are good at anyway I don’t think you like giving up on anyone you are very stubborn you always get your way I can see I don’t mean this as an insult to you this is a good thing being a teacher but if all else fails you can always bring your whip in with you I will be first in line don’t worry about that Id gladly be your slave your wish is my command anyway what I was saying its all down to you for me being that bit more I even notice I talk that bit more than I would normally all thanks to you you done something all the other teachers could not do make me talk while others are still in the class which is something I did not like doing before one more question I thought of do you get more than one valentines card each year and if you do do you know who your secret admirers are? what do you really think of some of my questions I hope they are not to personal lets see now what other rubbish can I bore you with I told you when I was outside that I enjoyed walking for miles and miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles miles
well as you can see I liked to walk until I could walk no further theres no one who could last the pace I here you enjoy walking Id keep you fit if I had the chance to go walking somewhere with you I dont think you would last very long I probably would have to carry you home when I say I walked for miles outside I really did it was a lot of fun and kept me very fit listen I dont want you to bother looking at them questions it was a load of shit which come out of my head as you can see every page is full of crap as far as I’am concerned I should really get rid of them pages but knowing you you will want to know what was on them so when I see you I will let you know the kind of things I have done on these pages if you don’t like them I will just rip them up in front of you as I should do with the rest of this trash that bit in your letter were you said you found my stuff most interesting but not the bits I might think you have no need for saying sorry its like if we both read the same book you might find things in it more interesting than me or I might find something in it that I like and you won’t we all like different things in life or we would all be very boring if everybody liked the same thing Im glad you found some of that written stuff interesting Im glad it brought a smile to your face I did not think you wanted to find out how far I went with the girl the one I used the ice cube on I don’t blame you really that thing you were on about me clarifying my two versions of the story on someones advice it was probably the second worse thing I’ve done how could I have been so stupid by letting someone tell me I should listen to them and letting them change my first story to a compleat pack of lies I always hated lying this other person sounded like he knew what he was talking about he was one of these people who sounded very convincing he made me think if I bull shited my second statement that I might get less time in jail but at the time I was not sure about this I believe if you do wrong you pay for it no matter what and he got me to change my plea of guilty to tell my soliciter Im changeing it to not guilty because I had no idea of prison and the law I really thought at the time this was how it was done but when I went to court I suddenly realised what I had done I told you I was made to look a compleat lier so what ever I said then it would have made no difference at all because I was nothing but a liar in all there eyes in court
so I only have myself to blame if I would have stuck to what I was going to say in the first place who knows this is why I don’t like hanging round with other prisoners it was these sort of people who fucked me up in the first place not all of them are like this but now I don’t really listen to the advice they have to give anymore so what else can I make you smile about lets see now that stuff I mention about me in Belfast going for walks in very quiet place’s and going for swims bollock naked and even walking about like this you might think he must have some balls to do this well I had not this is something I liked doing as long as the place was deserted and I would also walk around the house naked like this of course when nobody else was in and I made sure the front and back door were locked I would not answer the door for anyone you probably wonder why I did this kind of thing well it was such a turn on for me it really was Im sure Im not the only person who does this I know women who do it you might think well if you can walk around outside naked why would I bother about my small dick well no one ever saw me at least I don’t think so I suppose you have never done nothing like this this thing about you feeling ancient teaching a bunch of 16 year olds well I can tell you your not ancient you still look like your in your 20’s I notice you dont ware that much make-up believe me you dont need it the natural look suits you so let your hair go grey don’t be so vain I dont know what Im talking about if I could get hold of brown hair dye I would use it but Im not one bit vain thats why I stand in front of the mirror and it blushes when I look in it only kidding I’ve broke so many mirrors I only go out when its dark well this dorm Im staying in is nearly empty all but for one person he says he might be going today I hope so my love life has gone up the spout since these lot moved in I hope you don’t mind me telling you this I did tell you before theres nothing wrong with it everybody does it its all very natural us men wernt just given our—or should I say boy—just to wee and do nothing else with it if you have a partner you are okay sometimes but concidering my situation Ive not much choice and anyway I enjoy it a lot as long as I dont go blind or hope it does not fall off anyway I hope you are still smiling well I got cookery again this afternoon but my probation is meant to be coming to see me you know that woman I told you about I bet you anything she wants me to start going on these boring lifers meetings again I know it I can feel it in my blood they say I have to do these courses but there rubbish when I go on them I get butterflys badly I feel sick my mouth goes dry Im so nervous Im shaking with fear I start sweating my T.shirt is usually soaked so this is why I say they are rubbish Id rather sit in a lions cage kiss your feet anything as long as its not one of these wast of time course’s I know I have to do them but its not as if they do anything its not like education were you learn something and get something out of it I’ve learned more here on education than I ever did at school thats a fact you say I wont have much problems attracting women when I’am 40 thank you so lets say for arguments sake say you was not married would I have any problem attracting you forgetting the fact Im a prisoner Im not saying this to boost my ego because I dont have one that I know of yet you know me Im not one bit big-headed about anything you know me I don’t beat around the bush I come straight to the point when I want to I would say what was on my mind Id be way to open and honest for some peoples liking Id tell people what I really thought about them I know there are 2 sides to me the quiet one and bit shy one then there is the side that you have heard thats the one that writes all this everybody has two sides to them like theres a side of you which I probably wont see well Im sorry I’ve gone on to much again its beginning to come a bit of a habit but a good one I hope anyhow I dont know what you are going to make of this rubbish like I said pay no attention to them questions as I know you won’t well keep smiling and take care