by Annette Heys
‘Sorry about the mess. I thought I’d have finished by now.’
Paint spattered dust sheets hung down over cupboards and covered every surface in the kitchen. Jim was standing on a stepladder in the middle of the room painting the ceiling, a job she had been asking him to do for months. It seemed nothing was too much trouble for him now.
‘If you want a brew you’ll have to go into the dining room. Everything’s set up in there.’
Bloody amazing, Kate thought to herself, how he can behave as though nothing has happened. She looked up into his smiling face and felt like kicking the ladders from under him. Without a word, Kate went into the living room and picked up the newspaper. It wasn’t long before Jim followed, paintbrush in one hand, blue envelope in the other and a sheepish look on his face.
‘You remember I mentioned us taking a holiday? Well . . . I’ve got a couple of tickets to Venice . . . in two weeks. It’s just for a long weekend.
Of all the cheek! Of all the bloody cheek! Kate thought. She lowered the newspaper and glared at him. ‘And I’ve booked a holiday in Tenerife—difference is, I go next week for seven days and I’ve only got one ticket.’
For a moment he stared at her, expressionless, and Kate wanted to laugh in his stupid face. How could he possibly think that a coat of paint in the kitchen and a weekend in Venice would put things right?
As soon as he walked out of the door, Kate dropped the newspaper onto her lap. She could no longer read, not with her eyes full of tears. Venice,—where they’d spent their honeymoon. Of all the places he could have chosen. She remembered one of Michael’s questions, ‘What’s the most romantic thing your husband has done for you?’ If it wasn’t for the fact he was using this as a fine gesture to exonerate himself from his adultery with that woman, then, Michael, this would have been it.
She quickly wiped a hand over her face and tried to concentrate on the day’s news.
5th October
Taxi to airport. Feeling nervous but determined to make the most of it. God knows, I need it.
Good journey apart from mild turbulence, oh, and loud family in front with hyperactive children and young man vomiting noisily into bag across aisle.
Queued for taxi from Sofia airport to apartments. Journey took about 15 minutes.
Apartment very spacious—meant for at least six people. Sea view from balcony. Bathed and changed before going for a stroll down to harbour. Very pretty with dozens of white sailed yachts bobbing about on the clear blue water. Glorious sunshine. Managed to get myself lost. Feet blistered when I finally arrived back hours later carrying two heavy bags of shopping. Thankful for free map or things could have been much worse. Stayed in apartment and read my book this evening.
6th October
Good night’s sleep. Breakfasted on orange juice, toast and tea. Wonderful sense of having nothing to worry about but my own well being. In the words of the song ‘All my troubles seem so far away.’ Another glorious sunny day.
Wandered down into Los Cristianos by 11 a.m. Stopped at a café/bar for a coke. Watched holidaymakers walking up and down promenade. Some bizarre sights! Scantily clad sexagenarians in teenage clothes, mini skirts and short tops revealing brown wrinkled stomachs. Men, topless, with huge beer guts hanging over shorts.
Strolled along promenade overlooking beach. Observed Spanish looking guy, about 28, riding along prom on his pushbike and then stopping in front of shower where young, topless girls swilled sand from glistening bodies. As soon as they began to put on their bikini tops, off he went, carousing the front for an eyeful of tit. Sad, sad boy. Men are such dogs!
Sunbathed by side of pool. Didn’t feel too conscious of being all alone.
7th October
Cloudy but warm. Walked down to shore again but took a different route—away from the tourists! Headed towards ragged cliffs to left of port. Passed three fisherman hooking up their rods, sitting in a line, soaking up the brine . . .
Always thought fishing must be a very relaxing sport, sitting for hours on end just letting your mind wander. Time to think; now there’s a luxury. Michael once said he thought it a ‘boring’ waste of time. But there seems to me more beauty in it than the droves of people who walk aimlessly up and down the promenade. Three fit fisherman sitting in a row outstrip a thousand tourists with nowhere to go. (Am going mad!)
Called in supermarket on way home for food and wine. Made prawn salad for dinner. Shit prawns—uncooked! Microwaved them but still not good. Can’t face eating out so another solitary night in as I don’t want to find myself blubbering out my problems to a total stranger. Feeling lonely.
8th October
Up at 8 a.m. Beside pool at 9.30. (Only one couple there.) Sunny and warm even so early. Thirsty so decided to pop into site shop and buy some water. Realised I hadn’t got my purse. Left it by the side of computer when I emailed Sam. Dashed in and searched around computer but nowhere to be seen. Discovered someone had handed it into reception. Phew!
After a couple of hours sunbathing, changed and went for a walk to Playa Americas (4 km). Passed a huge hill that looked an easy enough climb. Will try it tomorrow. Lovely walk but scorching hot. Stopped at a bar for a shandy. A group of people walked in—a family? They greeted the owners, who were English. A few minutes later waitresses appeared, one carrying a cake with the number 24 on top, and another carrying champagne and a tray of glasses. Everyone shouted ‘Happy Anniversary’. The champagne cork popped, glasses clinked and laughter rang out from their table as they enjoyed their celebration. Wondered what they’d do to mark 25 years! Thought of Jim and remembered our honeymoon in Venice, gliding along the canals in a Gondola, steered expertly between enormous buildings rising up out of the water—blissfully happy. Wondered if the anniversary couple had experienced many disappointments in their 24 years of marriage—it couldn’t all have been plain sailing. (Pun not intended!) It just isn’t possible to go through life without disappointment. How to deal with it is the most important thing; but it’s never that easy, not where emotions are concerned. Reason goes out the window. Remembered a poem:
Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?
No, the most important thing is to do what makes us happiest. What am I waffling on about?
After my shandy, walked back to the apartments feeling slightly depressed in spite of the sunshine. Sunbathed, swam in pool, ate, showered, read paper and retired to bed—feeling sad and lonely.
9th October
Awoke early. After usual morning ritual set off to climb the hill. Quite isolated once I’d left the path, so glad to see three people not too far ahead of me. As I suspected, spectacular views from the top overlooking Los Cristianos to my left with its pretty harbour full of boats, and Playa Americas to my right. Huge curved beaches, their golden sands contrasting with the brightly coloured umbrellas in neat rows. Sparkling blue sea touching the sky in the distance. I turn around to see blue mountains capped with white clouds lining an expanse of flat land that spreads out for miles. Sat a while admiring the views and enjoying the breeze. So peaceful and quiet. Would have been wonderful to share this with Jim.
Walked down into Los Cristianos and stopped at a bar for a cool drink. Soon, a couple arrived followed by a small boy aged about 7 years old. The female was petite and reminded me of a small bird. She wore a tightly fitting blue dress and blue headscarf which hid all her hair. A small white bag was slung across her shoulders. Her partner was casually dressed in a sleeveless white shirt and dark trousers. He looked quite hippyish with long dark hair and a greying beard. He had a guitar and I happily realised they’d come to serenade us. After a few strums, they began their first song i
n Spanish. Standing side by side, they sang in perfect harmony. The young boy looked nervously about him. Everyone had stopped talking to listen and a look of relief crossed his face.
For a few brief moments everything around me melted into something timeless. It was in the music, the smell of the sea and clear blue sky, and I lost myself in the beauty of it. Suddenly the music stopped, people were clapping and the little bird flitted from table to table holding out a crocheted hat. The trio disappeared as quickly as they had arrived and everyone resumed their conversations.
I paid the waitress and left.
10th October
Bored with my own company and walking up and down the same stretch of road forced me into booking a trip—an island tour.
Caught the coach at 9 am. Our guide informed us of Tenerife’s history, invasions and so on, and of its volcanic landscape, among other things. I found it difficult to grasp everything she said as she was Russian and her English was not very well pronounced. Also she had to repeat everything in German which became rather tedious as she would start her English commentary well before we came up to a particular site which made it difficult to locate.
Stopped off for lunch at a restaurant overlooking a beauty spot, a small town at the bottom of a cliff. Sat with three ladies on holiday together and enjoyed the first proper conversation since I arrived. Called in at a couple more places of interest before jumping on a small boat and heading out to sea in search of dolphins. Didn’t spot any dolphins but enjoyed a couple of cups of sangria before heading back for the little fishing port and onto the coach.
Back at the apartments in time for dinner—or cold meat salad in my case.
Sat on the balcony with a glass of red wine watching the sun set over the sea. I remembered years ago when Jim and I took Ben and Sam to Minorca for a holiday. We would sit out on the balcony of our villa eating dinner and watching the sun set. Every night Jim would say ‘There’ll be such a sizzle in a minute,’ as the sun dipped towards the sea. By the end of the week, the children said they were glad to be going home if only to avoid another ‘sizzle’!
Watched the darkness close in and the lights come on in the apartments around me and in the tall buildings out towards the harbour. Tiny lights twinkled far away on top of the ocean as a small boat or ship passed slowly across the black water. The sense of tranquillity spoiled only by a feeling of loneliness and a niggling thought. I hadn’t heard from Jim all week. Perhaps he’d resigned himself to the fact that I wouldn’t forgive him or maybe he was with that woman. What do I care?
11th October
Last day. Spent it sitting around pool sunbathing. Glorious weather. Shall be sorry to leave it behind. Jim texted me. Offered to pick me up from the airport. Waited until evening before replying although I already knew what I was going to say.
The first couple of days after Kate had gone away Jim struggled to come to terms with his shattered life. He was grateful to Kate for not broadcasting his affair to Sharon or Ben and Sam although, realistically, he knew it must only be a matter of time before they found out. It was impossible not to notice when two people were at odds with each other. Another obstacle to any hope of reconciliation was Kate’s contention that it made no difference to her whether he had ended the affair that day or not. In fact, it made things worse. If she had not discovered Helen’s message, she would never have known that anything had been going on.
The more he was rebuffed by Kate, the more he found himself thinking about Helen and wondering what kind of life they could have had together. Before he met Helen, he never imagined that he would ever have cheated on Kate; he believed she was everything to him, but emotions were like nature in their unpredictability. All it takes is a shift in the regular pattern of things to start a chain of cataclysmic events. It was true both he and Kate had been under a lot of pressure but that in itself wasn’t enough to make him risk ruining his marriage. He knew as soon as he saw Helen that she was dangerous to him and it was that initial realisation that had stirred his emotions.
By the third day of Kate’s absence, Jim was like someone trying to break a habit. He found it impossible to concentrate on anything. He was agitated, unable to sleep at night and intolerably lonely. Several times he picked up his phone with the idea of calling Helen. He was starting to convince himself that Kate would never take him back which made him wonder whether he should try and salvage something from the mess. A vague awareness that his fractured senses commanded false reasoning stopped him from contacting Helen and when a letter arrived from her the next day, his relief at having left well alone was beyond measure.
7th October
Dearest Jim,
I am still finding it difficult knowing you are no longer in my life and that yours will most likely have reverted to how it was before we met. In that case you will have no notion of how dejected that makes me feel. I really believed you cared for me but it seems I was wrong otherwise how could you have walked away so easily? You say it is because of your family that you have given me up but I can’t believe that is the real reason. I asked you many times if seeing me was putting pressure on your family life and you always reassured me that you needed me as much, if not more, than them.
So you see, Jim, I don’t believe that you have been honest with me. Something happened to make you change your mind about us, something that must have had an even greater influence on you than your family. As I see it, there’s only one thing it could be—my confession. Everything was fine until I told you about what happened that night. My being honest with you is the true reason you have forsaken me. My love for you gave me the courage to share my darkest secret with you, something I have never told another living soul. Because of that I lost you. If nothing else, it has taught me that I must never again make the same mistake in believing it possible for anyone to understand the awful predicament I found myself in. I fear there is much truth in the saying, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself”.
It might surprise you to know that I have not lived so peacefully as you might imagine and have sought comfort from all kinds of sources but ultimately it is up to me how I deal with what I did. Howard was cruel to me when he was alive, so why should I care what people thought of him when he died? He should never have made me drive that night.
I think I understand you well enough to know that you will not cause me any more pain and that eventually you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I would hate to think that our time together will always be tarnished with regret.
I have decided to sell up and move abroad in the hope of making a fresh start and perhaps finding even a modicum of happiness in this precarious existence of mine.
I have no regrets about telling you even if it has made you despise me. I want you to know I could never have kept such a thing from you.
With much love,
Helen x
Jim read through the letter twice and then stared at the slip of paper that had been carefully wrapped inside it. It was a cheque for ten thousand pounds, much more than was necessary since he had nowhere near finished the work. If he was meant to be grateful by this gesture it had no such effect. He was overcome by a sense of nausea. This passionate affair that had most likely cost him his marriage had been no more than a sham. No matter what she said in her letter about truth and honesty, he believed that Helen was as much the aggrieved lover as Scarlett O’Hara. A survivor, that’s what Helen Duncan was and this cheque proved it. Just like Carl, he had been paid off.
Kate scanned the host of expectant faces craning over the barrier at airport arrivals. Someone was waving and she saw Jim making his way towards her. She gripped the handles of the trolley more tightly. It was impossible not to feel anything for him; he was still as handsome to her now as the first time they had met. But that was superficial, meaningless, because the thing that had attracted her most of all had been the thing t
hat he had destroyed—his integrity. Having realised this on seeing him, she was now glad she had not said in her brief reply to his text how much she had missed him.
Jim took her luggage from her. ‘You look good,’ he said as they cut across the car park.
‘Thanks.’ She allowed him to take her case without so much as a glance in his direction. They travelled home in silence. She didn’t feel like talking about her holiday, and anyway, Jim didn’t ask.
When they arrived home he carried her suitcase into the house. It had always felt good to step inside her home after a holiday, to be greeted by the familiar smells and have her own furniture and ornaments around her instead of the scant furnishings of an apartment. But not this time. It was as if everything had been tainted by Jim’s infidelity. She assumed he’d never brought that woman here, but it made no difference. She felt her presence everywhere and could not rid herself of the thought of her and Jim together.
‘Where shall I put it?’ he asked following her into the hall.
‘Just leave it there. I’ll see to it later.’ Normally, she would have made a cup of tea and put her feet up but she couldn’t bring herself to sit and chat with Jim as though everything was fine. She felt a desperate need to get away. ‘I’d better go and see Mother.’ She rooted through her hand luggage for the present she’d bought her and then went to find her car keys. As she passed through the living room, Jim glanced up from his chair as if he was about to speak, but said nothing. There was no need; the look on his face said it all. She hurried on out of the house. All week she had thought about how things would be when she got home. Now she knew, and the reality of the situation was much different from what she had imagined.