by Jen Trinh
“Hey, are you okay?” She was crying. She sank down and sat on the floor of the shower. I turned off the water and retrieved the towel from behind the door, then wrapped it around her. “What’s wrong? Anna, tell me what’s wrong.”
Her sobs came harder, so I pulled her into my arms. She came willingly, crying for a few minutes longer until all I heard was the occasional sniffle.
“Anna. What’s going on?”
She looked me in the eyes and sniffed, wiping her nose on the towel. “That was...amazing.”
I was very confused. “Are you crying because the sex was...so good?”
She whimpered. “Partly. I think I’m just...tired. Emotional. And it’s been a long time since I last, you know...” She trailed off.
She hiccuped once, then was quiet. “It’s just been a long day,” she whispered. She glanced up at me, then looked down at her hands. “Thank you.”
I stroked her wet hair. “Of course,” I replied, though I honestly wasn’t sure what precisely she was thanking me for. She started to shiver, so I scooped her up, opened the bathroom door, and carried her into her bedroom. The furnishings were sparse, but the few things in the room were cleaner and more tasteful than the furniture in the common area had been. I laid her down in the bed and pulled the covers up, but when I went to go close the door, she grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let me leave.
“Please stay.” She looked at me with wide, pleading eyes. “Don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I promised, gently pulling my arm away. I went into the living room and picked up our clothes, brought them into her room, and closed the door. I slipped into her bed and held her close as we both fell asleep, exhausted from the day.
Chapter 13
-Anna-
I woke up languid and pleasantly sore, but also way too hot. No wonder—Ian was plastered against my back, his arm tucked protectively around me, hand cupping my breast. I sleepily stretched, pausing when I felt his erection pulsing against my ass.
“Oh god.” I sat up and rubbed my face with my hands. My hair was wet and my eyes were puffy…and my inner thighs were still slick.
I’d asked him not to pull out. What the fuck was I thinking?
Ian stirred but didn’t wake up. He must’ve been just as exhausted and wrung out from the day as I was.
I slipped out of bed and pulled the towel around me, then creeped to the bathroom to relieve and cleanse myself. I did not want to get pregnant. Not with Ian’s child, not ever.
No matter that he had completely and utterly blown my mind with his lovemaking...twice. In a row. Way more than anyone else had ever done.
I didn’t want a family.
I tiptoed back into my room and stood next to the bed, watching Ian sleep. His breathing was even and blessedly quiet, unlike Asher, who was a prolific snorer. I could never sleep when he was around.
With his eyes closed, Ian looked so young and innocent, and not like a total sex demon. Without me in the bed, he’d curled up around a pillow, one well-muscled leg thrown out over the covers. I sat down on the bed next to him and stroked his hair until he opened his eyes.
“Hey,” I said, smiling slightly at him.
“Hey,” he replied, smiling back. He sat up and glanced around the room, then dry-cleared his throat. “Is there water somewhere?”
I grabbed my water bottle from my purse, glad that I had filled it up at the gym. He took a long drink, then handed the bottle back to me. I drank deeply too, surprised at my own thirst, then capped the bottle and put it away.
Ian held his hand out to me and I took it, allowing him to pull me back into bed. He wrapped his arms around me and I placed my head on his chest, quietly listening to his heartbeat.
“Do you...want to talk about it at all?” he quietly asked.
I was silent for a few moments. Then I giggled. “Sorry if I scared you. I think I just had a lot of...pent-up something.” I wasn’t sure if my tears were from relief, frustration, sadness, or satisfaction. Possibly a bit of all of the above. But I didn’t want to try to psychoanalyze myself, to him or to me. Ian and I hardly knew each other, and I didn’t want to scare him away. I wasn’t exactly sure if I wanted him to stay, either, but I wanted to have the option, at least.
He interlaced his fingers with mine, rubbing his thumb along the outside of my hand. “Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?” He kissed my hair and I snuggled closer, wrapping my leg around his hips. What I felt against my thigh confirmed what I had already suspected as soon as I’d woken up: he was ready for round 3. I was too, but I needed something else, first.
“Get me some Plan B? And some condoms?” No earth-shattering orgasm was worth getting pregnant for.
“Of course.” Ian got out of bed and quickly got dressed. He kissed my forehead on the way out the door and said he’d be back in a few.
I shut the door behind him, then went back to my bed and curled up under the blanket, still warm from his body heat.
Through the window, I watched the dark sky brighten from the occasional flash of lightning, followed soon after by a low rumble of thunder. The tree branches rattled against the glass as the wind howled through a tiny crack in the frame. I curled further into the blankets, covered my head and burrowed deep...and sighed.
What was I doing?
Ian was undeniably sweet. Charming. Fun to hang out with. An amazing lover. I hadn’t felt so happy and at ease with someone in a long time.
But there was no way that it could work out between us long-term.
Firstly, I definitely didn’t want to deal with his undoubtedly fobby (i.e., judgmental, traditional, fake, etc.) family. It sounded trite, but there was too much trauma from my own dysfunctional family to allow me to deal with someone else’s. It was still too much to even think about right then.
Secondly, we’d soon (fingers crossed) be coworkers. I wasn’t sure what the workplace policy was around dating, but I knew at least that if we broke up, it would be unbearably awkward, even more awkward than it already was...and I really needed this job.
Thirdly...he was too dependable, someone who seemed like he would always be there for me. That was dangerous. I didn’t want to be dependent on yet another guy. I was working on getting a new job, and after that, I was going to make it on my own. I’d been trying to make it on my own for months, and a guy like him would make it easy to fall back into old habits. He was a crutch, an escape hatch, and I just wanted to be independent and free. My own person.
But, overall...he was wonderful. And I really liked him.
What to do?
◆◆◆
“Pizza?”
Thirty minutes later, Ian had come back with what I’d requested, as well as a large Sicilian pizza and a bottle of wine.
I wasn’t sure how I’d keep my walls fortified against him.
I took the pizza and wine to the kitchen while he took off his shoes. While I rummaged around for the bottle opener, he came up behind me and slipped his arms around my waist.
“Anna.”
I turned around in his arms and he leaned into me, gently pinning me against the counter.
“Ian. We should—”
He surprised me with a meltingly tender kiss, thoroughly dispelling all thoughts from my mind. My hands gripped his sweater, pulling him close and holding onto him for dear life, molding my body against his. It almost hurt, how well we fit together.
He broke the kiss. “We should what?”
I met his questioning gaze, then looked away. “We...ah…” I sighed. “I shouldn’t date anyone right now.”
He slipped a hand into my hair, cupping my head and gently turning it back to face him. He searched my face. “Why?”
I leaned into his touch. “I’m just...working through some stuff. Trying to focus on my career. I don’t want to be distracted. And I mean, we’ll be coworkers soon. Hopefully. I think it’s for the best if we don’t...start anything.” I hoped he understood what I was trying to say. My
thoughts were a jumbled mess.
“But...we like each other.” He cocked his head a little, unable to compute.
“Yes. But I shouldn’t—I can’t be with you. With anyone, right now.”
He let go of me and took a step back, disappointed. “I see. Then...do you want me to leave?”
I mourned his warmth, the weight of him against me. I knew that I should say yes, that I should start distancing myself from him as soon as possible. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable—it would only make things worse. But with the way he looked at me (a little bit sad, a little bit hopeful), his soothing scent, and the cold creeping into my skin...
“Not yet.” I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to me, kissing him like it was the last time. It very well might’ve been.
But after that, we went through rounds three and four. Then I knocked him out in round five. By then, I think I’d finally gotten the “pent-up something” out of my system.
I tried to enjoy myself that weekend. I would worry about the long-term issues later.
◆◆◆
Ian kissed my hair and removed his arm from around my shoulders. We were lying in bed on Sunday evening, listening to an old playlist that I had made on my laptop. He hadn’t left my apartment, other than to grab more food. “I should go.”
“Okay.” I paused the music and sat up, then watched as he got dressed, enjoying the shadows that played across the ridges on his sculpted body.
A familiar tone began to play from my laptop. I checked the time. Oh! It was Cassie calling for our weekly chat.
Ian looked up, one sock halfway on. “It’s Cassie,” I explained. I connected the call, glad that I had already been wearing a t-shirt.
“Heyyy!” Cassie’s voice came through, followed by video footage of her smiling face a moment later.
“Hey, Cass.” I met Ian’s eyes. He made to continue leaving, clearly willing to keep our hookup a secret, but I shook my head and waved him over. I’d been planning on telling Cassie anyway—there was no reason to hide it.
Cassie said, “What are you look—”
He came up before the laptop and leaned over so that his head appeared upside down on the screen. “Yo, Cassie.”
Her eyes widened. “Whoa! Ian! What are you doing over there on a Sunday night?”
Ian looked at me to respond.
“He was helping me prepare for the interview.” He raised an eyebrow at me, eyes full of laughter, but he didn’t contradict me.
“Is that so?” asked Cassie, utterly unconvinced. “What kind of prep—”
“Hey Cassie,” Ian interrupted, “I’m going to go. Unless you want me to push tomorrow’s deadline on the design spec?”
“No, I need that spec! Go away and do it.”
He chuckled. “Alright, alright. Talk to you tomorrow.” He met my eyes, grinned, then let himself out.
“Girl, you need to tell me what’s going on.” Cassie demanded.
I rubbed my chin and feigned thoughtful innocence. “Ah, well...we went climbing today. No wait, that was yesterday—”
“You had sex, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but—”
“You look like you’ve been having sex all weekend.”
“Wow, what does that mean? How can you even tell?”
“Nana, your face has severe post-sex glow. I can always tell when you’ve gotten laid. I can even tell how good it was. You are positively radiant and you can’t stop smiling!”
It was true. I couldn’t stop, and my cheeks hurt a little. “Okay, fine, we had a lot of sex this weekend.”
“Thought so. How was it? I assume if you did it all weekend, it must’ve been—”
“Yeah, it was amazing. He’s just so...attentive. And patient.” I shivered at the memory of his hands. That mouth. Mmph.
“Wow, good job, Ian. So what now? Are you guys together?”
I sighed. “No.”
“What! Why? Didn’t you just say the sex—”
“Sex isn’t everything! And we’re going to be coworkers soon! And like...this weekend was nice, but I hardly know him, and what little I do know of him...I’m skeptical.”
“Nana. There are plenty of Stumpstashers who are dating, so don’t worry about that. But tell me more about why you’re skeptical.” Cassie crossed her arms and sat back, eyes hard. Her arguing pose.
I didn’t want to tell her the full truth of how I felt. I knew that some of my reasons would not hold up to scrutiny well, even if I felt strongly about them. So I listed some modified reasons off on my fingers. “Well, one, he’s a tech bro. All tech bros I have ever met have been basic nice guys who just like to watch movies and go hiking. Snore. Two, he’s Chinese, and his parents speak Mandarin with him, meaning that his family is probably pretty fobby, and therefore, not one I want to deal with. You know why. Three, I’ve been trying to focus on myself and my career. I’m not ready to date again, not until I get my shit together.”
Cassie sat up and started listing counterarguments on her fingers. “One, he also likes climbing, which automatically elevates a guy, in my book.” She winked. “And not all tech bros are the same. Michael is a software engineer and he’s really into art and photography, and he’s super fun to be with. Two, the way Ian talks about his family, they seem totally chill. He told me that when his mom first came to the US and learned about high-fives, she started giving them to everyone. How cute is that? And he’s pretty progressive, not old-school. Whatever his family is like, it can’t be anywhere close to as bad as what your family was like. Third, you’ve been single for seven months. You told me that you felt like you were in a slump with your music writing. Maybe he can help you get out of it. Music is about feelings, right? Maybe he’ll help you feel something? Inspire you?”
That was what I was afraid of. I didn’t want him to make me feel anything. Feelings made things complicated, and I needed life to be simple right now. To Cassie, I grumbled, “Sure, maybe, but all you’ve told me about him is the good. What about the bad? What are his flaws?”
“Uhhh. He...works too much? I’m honestly impressed that you got him to stay with you all weekend because he works his ass off. And he can be very blunt, sometimes. He’s usually a really nice guy, but if he thinks you’re wrong or being unreasonable, he can get kinda scary. Not someone you want to argue with. He’s definitely made some enemies at Stumpstash with this bluntness.” Cassie tapped her chin with her finger. “I think that might be it.”
I shook my head. “Just means you don’t know him well enough.” That list was too reasonable—there had to be something else wrong with him.
“Just give him a chance,” said Cassie. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
I sighed. I could think of lots of things.
He could turn out to be an asshole, and then we’d break up and I’d be miserable at work.
He could make me lose my mind with lust and I could accidentally get pregnant. I vowed to be more careful from now on.
Or he could make me fall madly in love...and utterly break me. Given our explosive chemistry and my fucked-up past, this seemed the strongest possibility of the three.
On screen, Cassie was rocking side to side, waggling her eyebrows and and holding two thumbs up. “Dooo it! Nana! Dooo it! Nana!”
I laughed. “Fine! I’ll give it a shot. But Cassie...if you’re wrong, I’m never taking dating advice from you again.”
She grinned. “I’ll take that risk.”
Later that evening, I texted Ian. My onsite is on Wednesday. Dinner after?
He responded immediately. Absolutely.
Chapter 14
-Ian-
I thought that after such a restful, lazy weekend, I’d be more productive at work.
Instead, I found myself constantly distracted by anything that reminded me of Anna. And that was a lot.
A teal-colored backpack. Bananas. Pizza. Indie music.
Cassie.
“Soooo. Anna.” Cassie and I had
a conference call scheduled to review the design spec, but I could see that it was going to be derailed from the start. Her eyebrows danced up and down, and I was sure that if I were in the SF office that day, she would’ve been nudging me in the ribs with her elbows.
“Yep. Anna. I assume that you know that I wasn’t really helping her with her interview prep?”
Cassie’s coy smile said it all. “Of course. She had her post-sex face on.”
I laughed and shook my head. “Ah...Cassie. Tell me the truth. Do you think I have a chance with her?”
She took a deep breath. “So, I’m not going to say yes or no, but I will say that she’s been through some shit. Just treat her with respect and maybe it’ll work out. I think you guys would be great together.”
I raised my eyebrows. “You think I wouldn’t respect her?”
“Nooo. I just mean that she wants to be independent, and she needs someone who can be her partner, not like...controlling her. She’s had bad experiences with guys in the past. And her family.”
I sighed. “I know. You told me when you were drunk that she had ‘daddy issues’.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh shit. I said that?” She paused and bit her lip. “I didn’t...say anything more than that, did I?”
“No,” I replied slowly, “but should you have? Is there more that I should know?”
She vehemently shook her head. “It’s Anna’s story to tell, not mine.” She pointed an accusatory finger at me through the screen. “And don’t go asking me questions about her when I’m drunk.”
“Not even about benign things, like what she likes and doesn’t like?”
“Psh, c’mon, Ian.” She rolled her eyes. “You can ask her those things yourself.”
I laughed. “Fine. Now are you ready to talk about this design?”
She heaved a big sigh. “Fine.”
◆◆◆
“How many people work in this office?”
I glanced up from my computer at the sound of Anna’s voice. She was talking to the facilities manager, who was leading her around the office on a tour. We locked eyes for a second but she quickly looked away, pretending not to know me. As she walked past, I continued to watch her from the corner of my eye, taking in her ponytail, tan cashmere sweater, tight black pants and black heeled boots. The pants and heel combo was very...stimulating. I looked forward to dinner, and to what I hoped came after.