by Jen Trinh
He was usually laid back, but when he felt like it, he really knew how to piss me off. “Just fucking go out and get some then.” The words slipped out before I could think. I turned back to my computer and continued typing, but I tensed, bracing myself for his reaction.
He shot me an incredulous look. “Are you fucking serious? You know how I feel about you.” Then he narrowed his eyes. “Don’t tell me that you’ve been going out and getting laid.”
“No, Asher, of course—”
“You’ve always been bad at lying.” His voice was dangerously low.
“Asher.” I really, really didn’t want to start some shit right now, but he was starting to piss me off. And to scare me. “I haven’t, really,” I whispered.
“Then why would you tell me to go out and fuck other people?” He stood up, his expression dark. “What the fuck. I gave you space because you asked for it. I let you stay here for almost nothing. Then you take advantage of me and just start fucking someone else?”
I raised my chin, furious, defiant. Part of me knew that I was in the wrong, that I shouldn’t have gotten us into this situation...but my emotional defenses kicked in, winning out over my guilt. “So what if I have? It just happened, just this weekend. I just met him.”
“I fucking KNEW IT. While I was gone? Like, you brought him home and fucked him while I wasn’t here?”
Yes. “No. God, why are you flipping out? We’ve been broken up for more than half a year, I thought we were good. I thought we were friends.” My guilt grew worse, a dense miasma spreading through my chest, crowding out the oxygen in my lungs.
He shook his head and slapped one hand into the other for emphasis, making me flinch and curl into myself. “Fuck. Friendship. We had something, you and me. I was just giving you space, ‘cause you felt too guilty about letting me take care of you. You know I wanted to get back together.”
I cried out and covered my face with my arms when he turned and punched the wall, leaving behind a hole. “FUCK.”
Horror warred with relief. He hadn’t hit me, but he’d been violent and shown a side of him that I’d never seen before. The Asher I knew was calm, collected, chill. Even when he was angry, he kept his cool. And he’d never laid a hand on me before...but there was a first time for everything, as my mother had found out the hard way. My eyes blurred with tears as I yelled, “ASHER! Calm down! You’re fucking scaring me.”
His jaw flexed and he opened and closed his fists, breathing hard. My legs tensed, ready to get away if he did anything else. But all he did was turn away and quietly say, “Get out.”
“What?” My heart sank, his words paralyzing me.
“Get the FUCK out of this apartment. You have till tonight to get your fucking shit out of here.”
He stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.
I stared after him, stunned, heart racing. With each beat, his words slowly sank in, deeper and deeper, searing every nerve. Then, with shaking hands, I picked up my phone and called the only other person I could in New York.
◆◆◆
Ian opened the door to his condo and walked inside, carrying in most of my meager possessions. He placed my stuff on the floor by the door and went downstairs to grab the rest from his car.
“Make yourself at home,” he softly called up.
I put down my own armload of stuff and walked inside. I’d been there just two days ago, but we’d been too busy getting busy for me to notice much. I looked around carefully then, taking in what would be my home for the foreseeable future.
The condo was spacious and well-lit, featuring floor to ceiling windows along two of the walls, shaded with gauzy white curtains. One wall featured exposed brick, from which he’d hung shelves with brilliant green plants that charmingly curled every which way. The remaining wall was painted white, with a series of framed photographs hanging across it. His kitchen was spotless and seemingly well-stocked, with plenty of counter space, including a beautiful marble island. The stainless steel appliances looked brand new.
It was night and day from my old place. I didn’t want to develop the same dependency on Ian that I had on Asher, so I didn’t think of this as my permanent home. But even so, it felt like I’d upgraded.
Ian re-entered the apartment carrying the last of my things. Most of the furniture in my old room had been Asher’s, so all I’d really brought with me was my clothing, keepsakes, and decorations. I didn’t have the money for much else.
I stopped looking around when I noticed that Ian was carrying my things towards the master bedroom on the right, instead of to the guest bedroom on the left.
“Hey wait, can I just stay in the guest bedroom? Then you can have your own room to yourself?” I liked Ian, but if we were going to live together, I wanted as much personal space of my own as possible. And luckily, he had a spare bedroom. I marveled at the extravagance of having a spare bedroom in New York City—how did he pay for all of this?
“You’ll stay with me in the master bedroom,” he said. “The guest room is for my parents.”
“Oh.” Bummer. “I mean, how often do your parents visit?” I noticed a framed photograph of the people in question. They were a handsome older Chinese couple: a woman with short black hair, permed in the typical old Chinese lady fashion, but with a warm smile and beautiful eyes...and a man who looked just like Ian, but with a bigger nose, thinner lips, and slightly longer, grayer hair. They were holding hands and standing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge with pleasant, windswept expressions.
“Like once a month,” he called out from his room.
“That’s...pretty often.” Maybe too often.
“Yeah. They’ll actually be here in a couple of weeks.”
I coughed at the sudden bile in my throat. Was he that close with them, that they visited that much? I didn’t want to deal with his parents, not this soon. I hadn’t met Asher’s parents until after a year of dating, and we hardly ever saw them after.
“From where? Where do they live?” I sat down on his couch and focused on breathing.
“They live in New Jersey, in Princeton. They moved there when I was there for undergrad.”
Of course he was a Princeton grad.
Another wave of nausea hit at the thought of his parents moving from California to Princeton to be near him. Who did that?
Having finished placing all of my stuff in the master bedroom, he came to sit next to me on the couch and took my hands in his. “Hey. You can stay here as long as you like. I know that you want space. I’m not going to expect us to spend every waking moment together. Just let me know when you want to hang out, and otherwise, I’ll work, climb, do stuff as usual, ok? You can tell me if—if it’s too much.”
I took in his earnest expression, the solemn promise there...and after a moment, squeezed his hands, grateful for his understanding. “Thanks, Ian.”
I didn’t want to get into the parents discussion right then. It was too big, and we could deal with them later. In the meantime, I resolved to find a new place as soon as possible. No need to meet his parents if we didn’t live together, right?
He stood up. “I’ll cook us some dinner in like an hour. I still have some work to do, so I’m going to go upstairs to the loft and do it.” I had completely missed that there was a loft. There was a loft, in addition to a spare bedroom?
He kissed my forehead and disappeared behind the brick wall, leaving me to my thoughts.
I sat for a while, taking in my surroundings, letting the situation sink in.
Asher, my ex-boyfriend, best friend in New York, and fellow audiophile, just kicked me out of his apartment, where he’d let me stay for years with reduced rent.
Ian, my boyfriend of less than a week, of whom I knew very little, had just taken me in and offered to let me stay for as long as I liked. We hadn’t discussed any rent.
Friend to relative stranger; shithole to Williamsburg condo; and still...dependent.
Fuck.
Chapter 16<
br />
-Ian-
I was nervous about having Anna live with me. Things were moving way too fast, when she’d explicitly asked us to go slowly. We’d just started dating, hardly knew each other, and would soon be colleagues, too. It seemed like a recipe for disaster.
But she didn’t have anywhere to go, and I didn’t want to turn her away. So I gave her space, as much as I possibly could.
She had a few days before starting work at Stumpstash, and I made sure to stay at work for my usual hours to give her time to settle into her own routine.
Her second night living with me, I went to the climbing gym and didn’t get home until she was already lying in bed, so I just showered and cuddled up next to her and held her as she slept. Her body was warm and sweet in my arms, and she snuggled close, sighing and fitting against me as if she’d always belonged there. I hadn’t known that I’d been sleeping poorly for so many years until I woke up next to her, without an alarm, refreshed and ready for the day.
The next night, I worked late and didn’t get home until 9pm. We fell asleep watching old comedy sketches together and woke up to brilliant sunshine, twin smiles on our faces.
On Saturday, we went climbing together. She was getting better, stronger, and braver, and the V1s in the gym were no match for her. Lina noticed it too, and began high-fiving Anna as often as I did. At one point, I even caught them whispering together and pointing at me, then giggling. Disturbing.
That night, we cooked and ate dinner together. With Anna as my sous chef, we made a green vegetable curry from scratch, with fresh kaffir lime leaves and galangal. Her pride and delight, that mouthgasm look that she wore throughout dinner, made every extra step worth it. It filled me with pride to know that I’d been the one to put that look on her face, and I was glad that she shared my love and appreciation of good food. And based on what happened after, the enthusiasm with which she thanked me for the meal...food was a good way to her heart.
I schemed and plotted out several more meals that we could cook together in the near future.
On Sunday, her last day of freedom before work started, she asked to be left alone. She spent the day in the loft, on her computer, oddly quiet. Maybe working on a playlist? I wasn’t sure.
So that night, during dinner, I asked her about it. “Is there a new playlist coming out tomorrow?”
“Oh. No, not this week.” She stared vacantly at her plate of roasted asparagus and salmon.
“What were you working on today?”
Her brow furrowed, and she pushed a piece of salmon skin back and forth on her plate. “I was looking at apartments.”
“Oh.” I knew she didn’t want to live with me forever, but the thought put me out a little. It must’ve put her out too. She sighed.
“You okay?” I asked.
She seemed to snap out of it. “Yeah, I’m fine. Excited to start tomorrow.” Her lips tilted into a half-baked smile.
I decided not to press. “We’re going to be seeing each other a lot, working at the same place and living together. Hope you don’t hate me by the end of the week,” I joked.
She looked down at her food. “I won’t live here for too long. I’ve found a couple of possible spots. I’ll move after I get a few weeks’ pay, once I can afford a security deposit.”
“Ok. But if you need to, you can stay here as long as you like, it’s no problem at all. It’s been really nice having you here.”
She pursed her lips. “I shouldn’t stay. I don’t want to be dependent on you. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone.”
I cut my asparagus stalks in half. “You’re not dependent on me. I’m just helping you out for a bit.” I glanced up and was surprised to see tears in her eyes. “Anna?”
She got up from the table and walked to the bedroom. I stood up and followed.
“Anna, what’s wrong?”
She’d sunk down to her knees on the floor by the bed, tears silently streaming down her face. I slowly sat down next to her and put my hand on her back, not saying anything, just letting her cry it out.
I thought about her words. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone. No one could be fully independent all the time. What about her family? Did she have parents or siblings? Was she on bad terms with them? Was she an orphan or something? I wanted to know, but with the possibility of daddy issues hanging over us, and our relationship as new and tenuous as it was, it didn’t seem like a good time to ask.
After several minutes, she finally said, “I’m so tired of depending on people.” She sniffled.
“Hey, it’s not like that. This is just temporary. You’ll get on your own two feet at some point. And I don’t mind at all.” My hand rubbed soothing circles on her back.
“I’ve been a fucking leech for years. Asher took care of me, and now you’re taking care of me. And before that...” She angrily wiped her face with the sleeves of her sweater. “Nothing’s different. I just went from one guy to another.”
I hesitated, then said, “Maybe.”
“What?” Her eyes flashed, face taut with anger.
I met her gaze head-on. “So? You did it before, doesn’t mean you have to do it again. You’re not helpless, you’re an adult. It’s not like you’re incapable of taking control of your life. Don’t just sit there and cry, do something about it.”
She gave me a withering look, like she wanted to argue, or hit me. The way her fists opened and closed, I think she almost did. But after a moment, her face slackened. “You’re right,” she whispered.
I kissed her temple. “Everyone needs a little help sometimes.” When she didn’t respond, I stood up, then held my hand out to her. “C’mon. Let’s go finish dinner. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
She took my hand and nodded slightly. I helped her up and led her back to the dining table, where we finished our meal in relative silence.
◆◆◆
“Hey, Ba. How are you? How’s Ma?” Anna was in the other bedroom talking to Cassie.
“I’m okay, just tired. We were pretty lazy today.”
“What’d you do?”
“We walked to the grocery store to buy some fruit. And we finished another drama.” My parents loved watching Asian dramas. I thought it was cute that they watched them together. Sometimes my dad cried more at the end of them than my mom did.
“What happened in this one?” I asked.
“Well, a hardworking country girl gets raped, and she goes blind and becomes pregnant as a result. Everyone looks down on her, except for a handsome doctor who is traveling through the countryside. He stops and helps take care of her, and eventually she gets her eyesight back and falls in love with him. But then his ex-girlfriend gets jealous and tries to poison her so that she’ll go blind again, except that he gets poisoned instead and so he goes blind. So the country girl poisons herself and decides to be blind with him, but then she loses the baby.” He sniffed. “It was so touching.”
“I...see.” Nope. I cleared my throat. “So Ba, speaking of dramas, I have some news.”
“Oh? Did you get someone pregnant?” he joked.
I winced at the memory of how reckless we’d been. “No. But I do have a girlfriend now.”
“Ah, I knew my handsome son couldn’t stay single forever. Is she the girl you had coffee with?” Unlike my mom, my dad still had a sharp memory.
“Yes. Also, she’s...living with me now.”
He paused. “That fast? Is she homeless?”
“No!” Kind of. “It’s temporary. She just needs to stay with me for a bit while she finds her next place.”
“Okay.” He paused. “Can we still come over for Thanksgiving?”
“Of course! I’m sure that she’d love to meet you guys.” My parents were adorable, and I was sure they’d get along great with Anna.
“Ok. But if it’s inconvenient, we don’t have to come. Just let us know.”
“Ba, you and Ma are always welcome here, anytime. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it.”
My
dad chuckled. “Uh huh. Why don’t you ask her before you say that?”
“I will.” I made a mental note to do so.
Then I promptly forgot.
◆◆◆
The next morning, I showed Anna the commute: 10 minute walk to the station, M train for 15 minutes, then another 10 minute walk on the other side. I let go of her hand at the door to the building, as we’d agreed to keep it fully professional during the day.
It was clear that someone had let the cat out of the bag, though. I saw Emily and Tom chatting at the snack bar, and when I came up to get my morning coffee, they stopped talking and looked at me. “Hey Ian,” Emily called in a sing-songy voice, “I heard that you’re dating someone.” Tom didn’t say anything, just stared me down, hard.
I shrugged, threw a handful of nuts into my mouth, then grabbed my mug and walked away without answering. Let them gossip.
Surprisingly, I found it easier to concentrate now that Anna was in the office and not off somewhere in my imagination. I got through my backlog of code reviews and created new tickets for my team. Every so often, I looked up and saw Anna meeting someone new, or staring intently at her work laptop, no doubt going through the sexual harassment training materials. I noticed other guys (too many—it was a fintech company, after all) checking her out, too. By 6pm, I felt like I had accomplished enough and was ready to take Anna home and away from all those lonely men.
“How was your first day?” I asked, as we walked towards the subway.
“Good. Everyone seems really nice. I didn’t do much today besides meet people, take stock of what’s in the kitchen, and review some materials. I also started the sexual harassment training.” She took my hand. “Speaking of, I think Tom finally got the hint. He just waved today and didn’t say anything weird to me. Do you think Cassie told him?”
I snorted. “And probably everyone else from Stumpstash who was at her wedding. So, most of the company.”