“This has been going on for almost four years, Santana! We’ve got to talk about it!”
She pulled a blanket over herself. “Please let me wash first.”
Will cast her a look of disappointment before walking to a corner of the room, where he’d left his pipe on a small table. He said nothing as he lit it, keeping his back to her. Santana quickly got up and pulled her dress back over her breasts. She walked into a small washroom and cleaned herself, fighting a returning panic, a need to scream, to tell Will the truth. She remembered that awful day, how she’d bathed and bathed, trying to get Hugo’s filth off of her. She hated feeling like that about her own husband. Her mind whirled with ways to explain her behavior. She had thought that all this time she’d been fooling him, had hoped and prayed her secret problems would not lead to this. She loved Will so, had tried to keep him satisfied without revealing how difficult it was for her to make love. She had even given him another child.
She took several deep breaths to stay in control, then went back into the room to see him standing at a window, puffing on his pipe. “I suppose you are right,” she said. “When you returned from the war, we were like strangers. I could not get over the feeling that you had abandoned me and the children.” It was all lies, but what else could she tell him? “You should have stayed. You had a family, a business to run. If you had not gone, perhaps Gerald also would have stayed, and he would still be alive.”
The room hung silent, and Santana knew her words had hurt him deeply. She felt the lies tangling together and beginning to choke their marriage.
He sighed, turning to face her. “You were always such a loving, forgiving person, Santana. I don’t understand how you can be this way after all this time. I thought we were doing okay, but tonight, the look on your face…” Though they stood across the room from each other, she could see the anger still burning in his eyes. It tore her heart to pieces. “Is there someone else?”
The question devastated her, and her eyes widened in shock. “Someone else! Another man? How could you think such a thing? You know that every spare moment of my time has been spent on Valioso! You know that I am incapable of cheating on my husband!”
Will looked away. “I know you haven’t seen anyone since I got home, but I was gone for a long time, Santana. I’ve been telling myself for four years now that things would get better, but they haven’t. We don’t make love nearly as often as we did before. You used to come to me, but now you never do. And the way you looked at me just now…You don’t enjoy my lovemaking anymore. You simply force yourself to endure it. You’ve been pretending for a long time, and I’ve been pretending there was nothing wrong. Tonight it was just more obvious. The way you behaved at first, I thought this would finally be different.” He met her eyes again. “Is there someone else? Or should I say was there someone else?”
“Never.” She raised her chin defiantly. “I have always loved only you, mi esposo. It hurts my heart that you would think such a thing.”
He set down his pipe and walked across the room to stand close to her. “And it hurts my heart to realize you no longer enjoy my lovemaking! What happened, Santana? It’s like I came home to a different woman. How could you love me so passionately before I left, and be so different when I returned? All this time I’ve tried to brush it off, pretend everything was fine. I thought in time things would get back to normal, but it isn’t happening.”
A tear slipped down her cheek. “I—I cannot explain it,” she said, feeling helpless. It seemed she was going to lose him either way. If she told him the truth, or if she allowed this terrible misunderstanding to remain between them, she would lose him. It was simply a matter of deciding which was less painful for him, and which most protected Valioso. That left her no choice at all. She looked away from him. “I am sorry, Will. When you were gone, the children became my whole world. I felt so abandoned, as though you had deserted us. I felt if you truly loved us, you never would have gone. I am sorry, carino mio. My trust in your total devotion to us was ruined when you left for a war I never understood, for a country to which I will never feel any allegiance.”
Will straightened, and Santana could feel his tension and anger. “Do you still love me, Santana?”
She met his eyes, aching at the hurt she saw there. “Yes, mi esposo, I do love you. There has never been another.”
Will wanted to believe her. But if it wasn’t another man who’d come between them, what was it? He had lost her, and he wasn’t sure exactly how. He supposed it was a combination of situations that had snowballed into something he could not control, and that frustrated him deeply. He was a man who had been in control of every aspect of his life…until the war. Here was another casualty, and he was helpless to know what to do about it.
“Go to sleep, Santana.” He turned away, tucking his shirt into his pants.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going out for a while. I need a drink. We’ll head home first light. I know you want to get back to the children.”
“Do not blame them, Will. They are innocent.”
He thought the remark a little strange. “I would never blame my children for anything. I only blame myself.”
Santana did not know what to say. His pain was her pain, but she had to let it be this way. “Do you still love me, Will?”
Will pulled on his suit jacket, then faced her, studied her lovely face, one that belied her thirty-one years. She was still perfection, and any man would want her. He wanted to believe there had been no other, but he could not forget a remark Noel had made to him not long after he’d returned from the war. He’d never told her about it because he’d brushed it off as a vicious rumor, but some of the workers at the mill had been saying they’d heard Santana had an affair with someone in San Francisco while he was gone. Noel didn’t know when or how the rumor had started, but he didn’t believe it, and he had set the other men straight. Will himself had been so glad to be back in one piece from the war, so glad to see his family and get back to normal living, that he could not face the rumor. He had buried it deep…until now. He still didn’t want to believe it, but what else was he to think, the way she had been behaving?
“I still love you,” he answered. “I just wish you would tell me the truth, Santana. That’s all I care about. Until I feel you’re being totally honest, we can’t get our lives back to where they once were.”
He turned and walked out, and Santana stared after him. She wanted to run to him, to explain, but turned and walked to the bed instead, feeling weary and beaten. If only she could admit to all of it. If only she could turn to her husband for the strength she needed to carry this burden. But she had to protect Will from killing Hugo; and she had to protect Valioso from the ridicule he would receive from others, perhaps even from his own family, if they knew how he’d been conceived and who his real father was. The boy would be an outcast. She could not let that happen, even if it meant losing Will. She stretched out on the bed and wept, sobbing until her sides ached. Finally she fell asleep.
It was very late when Will came back. Santana woke when she heard him enter the room. She waited for him to speak, but he said nothing as he undressed. He did not even ask why she had not undressed herself. He pulled back the covers and climbed into his side of the bed, and Santana could smell tobacco smoke and liquor on him, as well as the faint scent of a cheap perfume.
The drive home was nearly silent. Santana watched the soft roll of hills that led home, remembering the time when Will had risked his life to save her from being abducted along a road like this one. California was more settled now, not so lawless, although Will and Enrique Hidalgo, who had driven their carriage to Sacramento and back, did carry weapons.
So much had changed in California. The railroad was there now, and Americans flowed in from the East in such numbers, she wondered if there was anyone left beyond the Sierras and the Rockies. San Francisco seemed to be the gathering point for all newcomers. It had grown from merely about eight
hundred residents before the gold rush, to a population of nearly one hundred thousand. It was a city of contrasts, with so many Chinese that they were forming their own little section in the city called Chinatown. There were other poor neighborhoods, and there was still a red-light district, although city authorities were trying to clean it out, as well as bring law and order along Pacific Avenue and Kearny Street, the infamous docks area where Will had met Noel…and where Santana had first set eyes on him.
Yes, much had changed since then. San Francisco now had many theaters and wonderful shops, opera houses, museums, parks, fine hotels, and the fancy homes of the rich on Nob Hill. Montgomery Street was the center of business, and Will had offices there, his wealth managed by accountants she didn’t even know. He had come a long way in the fifteen years since he’d first arrived in California, and Lassater Mills was still growing.
She wished things could be the way they’d been then, with not so many new people flocking to California, when life was quieter, less complicated, her father still alive. She missed him so, and no one understood that she had never been able to mourn her father’s death properly.
If only Will had killed Hugo the day of the duel. Then he would have been out of their lives forever. If Will knew the truth of what Hugo had done, he would probably never forgive himself for not planting that hatchet in Hugo’s skull. But the past was past, and there was no undoing what Hugo had done.
They left Enrique off at the main ranch, where they talked for a while with Hernando and Teresa, pretending that all was well. Will drove the carriage himself then, heading up the road that led through quiet forest toward home. Soon they would move into the bigger house they were building, a home that she would furnish and decorate to her heart’s content, with plenty of room for all the children…one big, happy family. That was what they were supposed to be. The mansion that was being built in San Francisco was Will’s dream home, and it would be at least two years before it was completed. The interior halls, doors, banisters, fireplace moldings, nearly every inch of the interior would be made of beautifully carved primavera wood from South America. The door windows and several other windows would be of stained glass. She had agreed to it because Will wanted one house that was styled more like a home he would have had if he were in New England.
Yes, these should have been the happiest years of their marriage—six children, beautiful new homes, a thriving business. If not for the war, Gerald’s death, Hugo’s violation…She studied the countryside, remembering when she and Will used to ride over hills like this, young, in love, simply happy to be together.
Will headed the carriage to the left, and she realized where he was going…to her special place. They neared the clearing and there it was, her forever tree, the faithful lodgepole pine where she used to come to be alone. It was here that she and Will had talked all those years ago. It had been a long time since she’d been here. Will halted the fine black horse that pulled the carriage and climbed down. He came to where she sat and he leaned against a wheel, meeting her eyes.
It was cool, and he wore a cotton jacket and a felt hat. She liked him in a hat. He was even more handsome that way. She only wished that the love and passion she used to see in his eyes were still there, but now she saw only hurt. She had been so determined not to let Hugo destroy the love she had shared with this man, but a part of her had died with Hugo’s attack, and she had not been able to bring it back to life. It made her sick to realize Hugo’s plan to destroy her from the inside out was working. Something important had been lost the night before, and she saw no way to explain to Will why it had happened. She must protect the love he felt for Valioso, and she must protect the boy himself, who loved his father with such innocent trust.
The children were all she had now, and it was as though Will had read her thoughts when he spoke.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said. “You’ve got the children. I have my business.”
Santana waited, her stomach hurting at the coldness in his voice.
“I came out here to build Lassater Mills into something much bigger than my father ever dreamed of,” he continued. “I intend to do just that. I’ve let things slow me down and take my attention away from all that. From now on, I’m going to put every waking moment into the business. I haven’t done some things I’ve wanted to do, simply because I felt it would take too much time away from my family…and from you. Now it seems it doesn’t matter so much to you anymore. Something was lost between us when I went off to war, and that’s my fault. I’ve tried to get it back, but apparently it hasn’t worked, and now you’re burdened with Valioso, also because of the war.”
“I do not think of Valioso as a burden. He is a joy. I have told you over and over that I do not blame you for his affliction, Will.”
Will turned away, removing his hat to run a hand through his hair before putting the hat back on. “You say you don’t, but your actions don’t match your words. Maybe you do still love me, Santana. I know that I still love you. But we need to step back a little, each of us turn to other things for a while.
“I want you to know that for the next few months, maybe years, I’m going to work closely with James and also bring Glenn in on the business. I want to expand even more. There are millions of acres of virgin timber up in Oregon and Washington, around Puget Sound, up around Astoria, Gray’s Harbor, Coos Bay. I’m going to expand our line of ships, build two businesses, lumber and shipping. I know I can do it. Noel runs some of the mills practically single-handedly now, and I’ve got other good men. James is learning to the point that he can take over a couple of mills on his own, and someday I’d like to teach Glenn the shipping end of it. That’s less dangerous than working at the mills.”
He stopped to take his pipe from his pocket, then retrieved a small, flat can of tobacco from another pocket and began stuffing the pipe.
“What are you trying to tell me, Will?”
“I’m trying to tell you that I won’t be around a lot for a while. You said the children became your whole world when I was away. You’re a wonderful mother, Santana. You go ahead and devote all your time to the children, especially Valioso. Teach him everything you can. Give them all schooling, teach them to ride, give them your love. I’ll teach my sons the business as each of them gets old enough.
“Our new home is nearly complete. Between furnishing and decorating it, and tending the children, you’ll be plenty busy. You won’t miss me much while I’m traveling. I’ll have to be in San Francisco a lot, as well as travel up to Washington and Oregon. We’ll each do what needs doing and stop trying so hard with each other. I’m tired of pretending.”
Santana felt numb. How could the love and passion she had once felt for her husband have come to this terrible estrangement? There was a time when she never would have thought it possible, yet she could do nothing to stop it, because she did not know how to deal with her own inner turmoil. “I understand,” she answered quietly. “And you must understand that I love you, as much as ever. Please tell me that you do not believe there was ever another man.”
Will lit the pipe and puffed on it for a minute. “I’m not sure what to believe. I only know you were a different woman when I came back. I didn’t notice it at first because I was just so damn glad to be home. Then Valioso was born and you got pregnant again, and I was trying to rebuild…I just never stopped to face reality until last night, and the reality is something has been lost between us. I hope somehow we can get it back, but right now I’m too angry inside, too guilty, too hurt, and too confused.”
Hugo raped me! She wanted to scream the words, to help him understand, but she could not make herself speak them. “Maybe you are right. Maybe we do need time apart,” she said at last. “Maybe we tried too hard when you came back. I buried my own resentment because I was happy you were home and alive.”
Thunder rolled in the distance, and Will looked up at the sky. “We’d better get home.” He finally met her eyes again. “I’m going to have Noel move his
family into Gerald’s old house. It’s a fine home and shouldn’t be sitting there empty, and Noel’s wife deserves to live in a nice place. His two oldest boys work at the mills now, but there’s still an eleven-year-old daughter and a nine-year-old boy. Bernice will be good company for you, and the two youngest children can join ours in lessons with Estella.”
He told her everything with a note of finality, as though she had no say in this decision he had made. Santana knew he was in no mood to argue, and after hurting him as she had last night, she was not about to try. She did not want him to be gone even more. She needed him. But she would let him go, only because it was easier than trying to explain. Will climbed back into the driver’s seat and got the horse into motion again. He held the reins in one hand and his pipe in the other.
“With James, Noel, Derek, and Noel’s sons, I can expand and have dependable people managing every mill,” he told her. “Captain Eastman is still with me. I’ll work with him in expanding our shipping line, build some warehouses. By the way, I’m giving Bolivar a run for his money. I’ve taken away some of his warehousing business already.” He puffed on the pipe. “I’m going to outdo all of them, Santana. Gerald would have liked that, Gerald and my father both, and it will mean being able to send even more money back to Agatha. I’ll make up for all of it, Santana, for hurting you, for Gerald’s death, for Valioso’s affliction. And I’ll keep the promise I made my father to build Lassater Mills into something much greater than it ever was back east.”
I only want you here with me, Will. “You are a man of dreams, mi esposo. Whatever you set out to do, you always succeed.”
Except that I destroyed the one thing most important to me, Will thought. Time. Yes, that was all they needed. Time away from each other. He could not bear being close to her and feeling this cold distance between them. He would bury himself in his work, and maybe somehow, after a while, they would find each other again. He said nothing more as he headed home, where the children all ran out to greet them. Yes, they had this, sons and daughters. This would hold them together until they could recapture the love and trust they had once shared.
The Forever Tree Page 36