by Lacey Black
The ride back to my place is quiet, and not in a comfortable sense. Something happened between the blueberry waffles and now, that has caused her to withdraw from me. We went from playful and touching to distant and apprehensive in a matter of minutes, and I don’t like it.
Not one bit.
Chapter Eleven
Jaime
How in the world do we go from light and casual to labels and relationships?
That’s exactly what happened in a matter of moments at breakfast. One minute I’m sitting down, my hand comfortably resting on Ryan’s leg, when one of my sisters brings up dating. I know AJ meant no harm in asking her blasé question, but it struck a nerve and rocked me to the core.
See, this is why I didn’t want to date. I’m not ready to think about anything more than a few casual dates. And that is different than dating. At least it is to me. I’m all about maybe having a little fun with Ryan, because he is that–fun. He proved that over and over again last night. I have a great time with him, and if I wanted to, I might even be weak enough to admit I feel the chemistry he keeps referring to. But the fact is, I’m just not ready for anything serious.
Clearly, it’s time to nip this whole pre-relationship thing in the bud.
Cut my losses, and all that.
Get out while I still have possession of my heart.
Pulling into the driveway, Ryan cuts the engine and comes around to the passenger side. Still, without saying a word, he places his hand on my lower back and steers me towards his front door.
“I should go,” I whisper, averting my eyes, before we get to the front door.
Ryan’s hand stills just before his key reaches the doorknob. “Jaime -” he starts as he turns to face me.
I don’t let him get any further. “I had a great time last night,” I start, retreating just a few steps backwards. “Thank you for having me over for dinner last night. And…the other…thing.”
One eyebrow shoots heavenward “Thing?” he asks, a slight smirk playing on the corners of his lips.
“You know what I meant,” I mumble, ready to cut tail and run.
My breathing is shallow and my pulse beating a steady stream of Morse Code against my throat. My heart is telling me to run before Ryan has the chance to destroy it like a paper shredder, but my body is the ultimate traitor, pulling me back towards Ryan.
As Ryan’s long legs eat up the porch between us, I sway in his direction, drawn by some sort of magical pull that only he seems to possess. Strong arms wrap around me, and I don’t fight it. I’m helpless against it.
My hand holds a slight tremor as Ryan links his fingers around mine. Deep brown eyes focus entirely on me, burning into my soul with their honesty and hunger. “I know this is new and terrifying, but I’m not letting you push me away. I get that you’re scared, and that’s okay. I wasn’t looking for anything right now either, but shit happens. It did happen. I met you, and you’re the best thing to happen to me in a long damn time.”
Oxygen evaporates completely from the air. As if he could read my mind, Ryan confirms that he is ready to go to battle against every insecurity and demon I have. My fear of falling for the wrong guy, only to get my heart broken again, is put right out there on a silver platter. What more, Ryan seems unfazed by his revelation. Instead, he’s taking it as a challenge, a minor detail to overcome.
“So here’s the deal: I’m going to let you get into your car and head home. I’m going to give you a little space to sort through the crap you’re dealing with in that beautiful head of yours. But know this: I’m not going anywhere. I will fight for you–for us–because I believe this –” he gestures between the two of us, “is worth fighting for. Already I know it. I feel it. I believe deep down at the bottom of my soul that what we have is the start of something special. That we are worth it, and I’m ready to find out if that feeling is right.”
Ryan places a firm kiss on my lips before stepping back, allowing me the space to leave. I’m breathless–from the kiss and from his declaration–as I make my way to my car. Dropping into the front seat, my legs quiver and my hand trembles as I attempt to slide my key into the ignition. After the third try, I finally hit pay dirt, and my Honda fires up.
I feel Ryan’s eyes on me as I back out of his driveway and pull onto the street. Before shifting to drive, I risk a glance back up to the porch. Ryan is standing there, his hands resting on the handrail. I almost throw the car in drive and pull back in the driveway.
Almost.
Instead, I slowly release the break and move forward. Ryan watches me, our eyes locked on each other until I’m forced to look ahead to the road. Even then, I still couldn’t miss the grin that consumed his full lips a split second before I turned away.
It’s that grin that keeps me company on my drive home. That smile and those eyes and that incredible body that won’t quit. But as I pull into my own driveway, it’s his words that finally cause my body to sag in defeat. Because if I’ve learned anything about Ryan Elson, it’s that he won’t let this go–he won’t let me go. At least not yet.
Oh, he’ll be back. He’ll give me the space I need, but then he’ll come for me. You can bet on it, because he wants me. I see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. We’re two separate magnets pulled together by a natural force. It’s absolute. Final.
Closing my eyes in resignation, I realize one thing; I’m not strong enough to fight it.
***
“What do you say to coming over and watching a movie Friday night?” Payton asks while we tidy up the worktable the following Wednesday afternoon.
I haven’t heard from Ryan yet, but I know his radio silence won’t last much longer. He offered to give me space so that I could work out my concerns when it comes to him and dating. I go from wanting to run as fast and as far away as I possibly can in the opposite direction to willing to jump in with both feet, and every possibility in between. I’ve been over this every which way in the last three days numerous times, but I keep coming back to the same thing every time: I want him.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not scared to death of getting hurt again, which is why I’m willing to date Ryan casually. Keep it informal, and keep my heart safe. A few friendly dinners, followed by more mind-blowing sex. Walk away when it starts getting personal. Easy peasy.
“Um, yeah, that sounds good. I’ll bring the popcorn and beer. You get the pizza,” I tell my older sister as I grab my purse.
“Have you heard from him?” she asks, standing just over my shoulder.
“Not yet.” But I will. I know it. “I’m heading home to help Grandma peel peaches for pies. She says she has to make them tonight because it’s the only night she’s not watching Sex And The City reruns. How about you? Any big plans for this evening?”
“Wish I could join you, but I have an appointment with McIntire and Associates. I guess Roy is retiring and he’s assigning someone else my business taxes. I have to meet them tonight to go over the second quarter.” Snapping her fingers, she adds, “Which reminds me, I need to print off a profits and losses worksheet.” Absently, Payton starts to make a list on a loose piece of scratch paper.
Payton has occasionally complained about the stresses and headaches associated with being a business owner. Being single is for the best, or so she says. She’s not pulled between running her business and raising a family. There’s no guilt when she’s required to work late and no closing down the shop when the kids are sick.
Even though I see her resolve to her single ways, I can tell there’s something else there. Something that she keeps buried deep.
Longing.
She often changes the subject when marriage and kids are brought up, but I can see it. Maybe it’s because of my own disastrous relationship that I can so clearly see Pay’s mask that she keeps firmly locked in place so that no one can see her pain. Sure, I’ve brought it up before, but she refuses to talk about it. I won’t push her on it, though. At least not yet
. When she’s ready to talk or explore a relationship, then I’ll be there for her, eager to discuss all the details. Until then, I’ll wait.
Stepping out through the back door, I’m not surprised when I find Ryan waiting for me at my car. He’s carrying a handful of wildflowers in one hand, and there’s no mistaking the appraising gleam in his eyes.
“Hi.” He hands me the small grouping of flowers, a small smile crossing his full lips.
“Hi,” I mimic. “Thank you.”
“I just happened to be coming into town from a job site when I came upon these growing alongside the road. My truck stopped all on its own.”
“All on its own, huh? And I suppose you had no control over yourself as you got out and picked them?” I ask, a playful twinkle in my eyes that matches his.
“No control whatsoever. But that’s nothing new. I find I have absolutely no control over myself when it comes to you.”
Ryan steps closer, invading my personal space. He smells like wood and fresh air mixed with a little sweat. Wearing a worn t-shirt and a dirty pair of jeans, he’s almost edible in that ‘I want to throw you down on the hood of my car and ravish your body’ way.
Seriously? Clearly, I’ve been hanging around Grandma too much.
“Sounds like a personal problem. I hear they make little pills for problems like that,” I retort, smiling sweetly.
Ryan’s hearty laugh fills the air, his brown eyes twinkling with amusement. Zeroing in on my lips, he steps even closer. His body is almost touching mine, his breath fanning across my forehead.
“Oh no, sweetheart. That’s not the problem I have. In fact, my problem is the complete opposite of that. I have positively no problem with not being able to rise for the occasion. In fact, the mere thought of you causes things to stand up and take notice. My body is humming and hard for you all the time. Every minute of every day. Hard. For. You.”
Just like that, the air around us changes. It sizzles and crackles with a sexually-charged current. Want zips through my body and lands at the junction of my legs. I can feel my body responding, wetness soaking my panties.
“And I know you want me too. I see it in your eyes, Jaime. I feel it in the way your touch sears my skin. My question to you is are you willing to explore that feeling? I’m not talking about jumping into bed, though that thought sounds pretty damn good right now. I’m talking about dating. I’m talking about dinner and movies and the occasional family outing. We’ll take this as slow as you need to, but I’m ready and I’m not going anywhere. I. Want. You.”
Ryan punctuates those words with a kiss. A consuming, bruising kiss that leaves me weak in the knees and yearning for the privacy of a bedroom. Gripping the back of his shirt, I hold on for dear life as his tongue sweeps across the seam of my lips. I open my mouth moments before his tongue plunges inside. His lips devour me, his mouth commanda me. It’s a delirious feeling to be so consumed that you have no control over your own actions.
A moan erupts from deep in his throat when I suck on his tongue. Ryan pulls me closer yet, his hands caressing my back, my neck.
Somewhere in the distance, a horn sounds, pulling me from the lust-induced spell he has me under. I startle, jumping back a fraction of an inch, unable to pull away since Ryan’s hands are wrapped tightly around me.
“Tell me you feel it, Jaime.” His words are husky, his eyes glazed with molten desire.
“I feel it.” My words are breathless and trembling.
“Will you trust me? Will you give us a chance? You set the pace. You set the boundaries. You are in control here. Just promise me you’ll try.”
I want to hesitate. I want to argue with myself about why this is the worst idea in the history of all ideas, but I can’t. Because at the end of the day, Ryan’s right. This feels right. He feels right. He and I together. And sure that’s scary as hell, and it’ll probably result in me left heartbroken, but the alternative seems unimaginable. Not being with Ryan seems completely impossible.
So I don’t hesitate. I nod my head, confirming what he already feels, what he hopes.
“I’ll try.”
And with those two words, I delve into my first relationship since my broken engagement. I willingly open myself up to the pain and suffering that is sure to come when this relationship ends. I’m risking it all.
And I’m terrified.
***
“Can you get the door?” Payton hollers from the kitchen when a light knock sounds at her apartment door.
After glancing through the peephole, I throw the lock and grant entrance to Abby. Reaching out, I take the bag of chips teetering atop a bowl of something warm she’s carrying with potholders.
“Thanks,” she says quietly as she steps inside.
“What did you bring?” I ask, inhaling the aroma of melted cheese with a hint of pepper.
“Jalapeno popper dip. I found the recipe in one of Levi’s magazines,” she states casually as we slip into the kitchen to join Payton.
Levi is Abby’s best friend, and, much like her twin sister, they’re as different as night and day. Levi is funny, outgoing, and gorgeous, while Abby is quiet, shy, and conservative. They’ve always made the oddest pairing, but their friendship has withstood all other relationships to date. And when I say relationships, I mean his. I’ve never known Abby to really date. Probably because she’s secretly in love with her best friend. Levi, on the other hand, seems to have a revolving front door with an endless stream of eager ladies willing to keep him company.
“Smells delicious,” Payton says as she finishes blending mango margaritas.
“I’ve been told it’s amazing. I left half a bowl with Levi, and I think he had most of it gone before I was out the door.”
“Levi, huh?” Payton waggles her eyebrows at our littlest sister.
“Knock it off,” she chastises with a fierce blush. “We’re just friends and you know it.”
“That’s what you keep saying,” Payton adds in a singsong voice.
Fortunately for Abby, she’s saved from further scrutiny by the ringing of the doorbell. “Pizza’s here!” Payton yells before taking off for the door.
Five minutes later, we’re all sitting on the floor around the coffee table, stuffing our faces with cheese and sausage pizza, spicy jalapeno dip, and margaritas. Payton started The Italian Job when we sat down, but none of us pay Mark Wahlberg any attention.
“So I take it you and Ryan are an item now? For two days, you’ve had this dreamy look on your face every time your phone chimed with a text message. It’s nauseatingly sweet,” Payton says before taking a bite of her slice of pizza.
“I guess,” I mumble, refusing to make eye contact. All day Thursday Payton teased me about the make-out session in the parking lot. Apparently, she walked by the back window when heading to her office and witnessed our little PDA episode.
“You guess?” Abby asks, her nose scrunching up in question.
“I mean, yes. We’re dating, but we’re taking it slow.”
“Slow,” Payton snorts. “If eating each other’s faces off in public is taking it slow, I don’t want to know what happens when you guys get serious.”
“We won’t get serious,” I add, a little too quickly.
“It’s okay if you do,” Abby replies. “Not every relationship is going to end in failure, Jaime. Maybe Ryan is the one.”
Air catches in my throat and refuses to dislodge as I think about the one. “Maybe,” I say, appeasing my sister. Abby still believes in love at first sight, your forever love, and all that jazz. I believe that love hurts and is at the root of your worst pain. Clearly we’re on opposite sides of the spectrum.
“What about you, Abs? Anyone special you’re into?” Payton asks, but we already know the answer to her question.
“No.”
“You know, Abs, the delivery driver for Wholesale Flowers just broke up with his girlfriend. He’s cute and he’s in town two days a week. I bet I co
uld arrange for you to have coffee or lunch with him while he’s here,” Payton offers with a mouth full of pizza.
“No!” Abby’s usually soft voice is loud and filled with urgency. Her eyes appear scared, as if she’s afraid of being set up.
“Abby,” I start, dropping my voice to a soothing, motherly tone. “I know you’ve been waiting around for Levi, but maybe it’s time to move on. I mean, you guys have been friends for a decade and he hasn’t shown you he’s interested in anything more than your friendship, right? As much as you want it, he’s just not on the same page as you.”
Abby’s eyes drop to her lap and refuse to look up. But if the glistening in them were any indication, I’d say she’s on the verge of tears. She’s still for several moments before glancing up at me, and that’s when I see it. Confirmation of her tears. Slowly, she nods her head.
“Then, go have coffee with this guy. What could it hurt? If anything, maybe it’ll make Levi jealous and give him the kick in the pants he needs,” Payton adds.
Just when I think she’s not going to acknowledge us, Abby says, “I’ll think about it.”
I finish off my plate before turning focus on the oldest Summer sister. “What about you, Pay? Why aren’t you dating anyone?”
Payton squeaks out a noise while rolling her eyes. “Puh-lease. Who am I going to date in this town? All of the good ones are married, taken, gay, or there’s a reason why they’re still single. Besides, I’m not interested yet. I have Blossoms and Blooms, and that takes all of my free time.”
“But even you need a night out every once in a while. Why don’t you have coffee with the flower guy?” Abby asks.
“Besides the fact that he’s probably six years my junior? I’m just not interested in him.”
“Well, then who are you interested in? If not him, then who?”
“No one.” Payton tries to act all casual, but I catch the way she fidgets with her hands. There’s someone, she just won’t say. I’ll definitely have to keep my eyes open for signs of someone in her life.