Girl in the Song

by Chrissy Cymbala Toledo

  The weeks that followed were nearly unbearable. It felt as though something snapped inside of me, making me ultrasensitive and ultranervous all the time. The holidays going by without contact with my family made things even worse. I guess I should have been happier, given the fact that Lorna allowed Jaye to come visit the baby. There were times he’d come and the two of us would sit with Susie in the living room, appearing to be a family, yet I knew it was all fake. There was no way of knowing where Jaye stood with me. He was there, yet I didn’t know if he was really there.

  At times I wondered if Lorna was letting him come in an effort to secretly torment me, so that I would wake up and see my reality. I knew my reality. I was a worn-down, tired girl with a baby, desperate for this man for whom I had given up everything.

  Lorna went to church a few nights a week—for prayer meeting and for choir practice—and I would sometimes sneak Jaye in. But even then I felt very vulnerable and fragile. I hated that I was lying to Lorna just as I had lied to my parents. But as weary as my heart was, I couldn’t let go of that need to feel good enough for him.

  It was on a Tuesday night in February when I heard Lorna coming down the hall as I was rinsing shampoo out of Susie’s hair. She poked her head into the bathroom. “I’m heading to the prayer meeting now, honey.”

  I looked back at her while leaning over the tub. “Okay, Lorna,” I said, smiling wistfully.

  She immediately picked up on how low my spirits were. “Everything okay, Chrissy? Do you want me to stay and help you get the baby to bed?”

  I reached to pull out the drain stopper while thinking about calling Jaye. “Uh, thanks, Lorna, but I’ll be okay.”

  I couldn’t miss her concerned sigh as she walked back through the hallway to the front door. “Don’t forget that there’s more food on the stove,” she called out as the door shut behind her.

  I grabbed a towel. Jaye needs to get here within the hour if we’re going to be alone. Susie started squirming and I strained to lift her from the tub.

  “It’s okay, sweetie.” I quickly dried her off with the towel and wrapped it around her as I headed for the living room to call him. The house felt so painfully empty that a gloom came over me. An oppressive sadness seemed to slow my steps and weigh me down. I sat on the corner of the couch. After a long moment of staring at the empty chairs around the living room, I shifted the baby on my lap, grabbed the receiver, and dialed. The phone rang but no one picked up. I dialed again. No answer.

  A suffocating loneliness suddenly gripped me and I began to feel afraid. I laid the baby down on the sofa and started turning on every light in the house. It seemed that the only thing to do was to put Susie to bed and go to bed myself. Since I knew I wasn’t going to fall asleep, I checked in Lorna’s medicine cabinet for any kind of sedative to help knock me out, but there was nothing.

  When I finally got Susie settled in the crib, I put on my pajamas and cracked the door open a bit so that the light from the living room would permeate the darkness in the bedroom. Pulling the blankets back, I crawled to the center of the bed and adjusted the pillows, hoping I could shut off my brain and fall asleep. As I lay there in the stillness of the night with my baby across the room, I wished I could escape from all the tormenting emotions that I was drowning in; I didn’t want to think, feel, or live anymore. Closing my eyes, I started to let out a tearless cry when suddenly I felt something strange in the room; the atmosphere had changed.

  I opened my eyes slowly, not sure of what was going on, when I saw it at the foot of my bed—a pitch-black shadowy form. Even though I couldn’t clearly make out a face, it felt nasty and menacing. I was arrested by what I was seeing, strangely unafraid, an observer who just kept watching. As real as that gruesome figure was, another one appeared—a cloud-like form just as visible, but this one was full of a beautiful bright light. It was as though I had become part of a crazy dream, yet I knew that I wasn’t sleeping. I was very much awake.

  All at once, the silence of the room was shattered when the repulsive figure started speaking to the luminous figure in a mocking voice. “I have her life,” it said, pointing to me. Its next words were chilling. “And now, she’s mine too.” The shadowy form appeared to move slowly toward the baby’s crib, large enough to cover it completely. My heart was jolted and forcefully seized by a strong instinct to protect my baby from the ominous cloud hovering over her. I wanted to jump up and fight for her with everything in me, but I couldn’t move. In an instant, the darkness disappeared and the light faded away. Then the most unexpected sensation came over my entire being: peace. Sweet peace rested on me like a blanket and I fell asleep.

  THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP and sat in the middle of the bed, trying to shake off my sleepy fog. When I got to my feet, I felt an extreme sense of lightness. My heart was buoyant and my entire body was relaxed.

  I called out loudly. “Lorna! Do you have a minute? Could you come here?” I needed her right away; this was so urgent that it couldn’t wait.

  “Good morning. What do you need?”

  “Lorna, could we pray together right now? I just really need to pray.”

  I detected the surprise in her face but she quickly said, “Sure! Yes! We can pray.”

  “But Lorna, I want to lead us in prayer.”

  She reached over and took both my hands as I began to open my heart to God.

  “Jesus, I thank You this morning for how good You’ve been to me . . . and . . .” I started to break down “. . . and my baby. I haven’t deserved any of this . . . including being safe here at Lorna’s house. Right now, I really need Your help. Please, Lord, help me to say good-bye to this relationship that I have not been able to let go of. I need Your strength because I can’t do it on my own.” While I was praying I felt a grace to yield my will like I had never felt before. “Thank You, Lord. Amen.”

  When I opened my eyes, Lorna had tears running down her cheeks. “Chrissy!” She reached over and grabbed my face, but seemed to be struggling for words. “I—I’m amazed!”

  My questioning look prompted her to continue.

  “This . . . I mean, you wanting to pray . . . was because of last night.”

  How does she know what happened to me last night?

  “We were in the prayer meeting, like every Tuesday,” Lorna continued, “but something incredible happened.” She became even more animated now. “It happened at the prayer meeting!”

  “What happened?” I asked, getting more confused.

  She started rushing the words. “It was just that somebody gave your dad a note! He told the people that someone had just handed him a note and he felt that he was supposed to share it. It said: ‘Tonight is Chrissy’s night.’

  “Chrissy, he read it almost like he knew something was going to happen. When we joined hands all over the building, the people started to pray. But they didn’t just pray, Chrissy . . .” She gripped my shoulders and gently shook me as if she needed me to hear what she was saying. “They have so much love for you in their hearts that they were crying out at the top of their voices. Girl, they were praying . . . they were shouting . . . they were making a loud noise up to heaven for you. The people cried out, ‘God! Help her!’ It just wouldn’t stop, Chrissy! It went on a long time until we felt like we had broken through in prayer.”

  I stood there, stunned by everything she said. “Lorna, I don’t know what happened,” I said as I dropped my face into my hands and began to weep. Lifting my head to look at her, I said, “Something’s changed! I feel different today. I just feel different. Last night after you left and I was getting the baby ready for bed . . . I can’t even explain . . . it was such a deep misery. It’s like I plummeted into a dark pit and wished I could end it all. Lorna, I looked through your medicine cabinet, and if there had been something that would have put me to sleep forever, I would have taken it. But there wasn’t. When I got in bed, the strangest thing happened. A dark figure and a light figure appeared at the foot of my bed. I could see them! The dark one
said I was his and that my baby would be his too.”

  I stopped to catch my breath, then went on. “I know I should have been afraid when the darkness moved toward the baby’s crib. But I didn’t feel any fear at all because instantly, the figures disappeared and peace flooded the room.” As Lorna and I stood there looking at each other, I could sense God’s sweet presence all around us.

  After Lorna left for work, I puttered around the house with Susie, tidying up and getting everything ready for her feedings. The same calmness I had experienced in my heart the night before lingered throughout the day. It was indescribable. I couldn’t help but keep thinking, Did something happen to me when they were praying for me last night? Knowing what I knew about God and having grown up seeing with my own eyes what God can do, I had to wonder: Could I finally be free? It almost didn’t seem possible because of how long I had been in this struggle, adapted to living this way—so tired and worn, so driven and obsessed. Unable to keep promises to do the right thing. Controlled only by what I felt I needed. I just knew that I had no strength to try anymore.

  While I was washing the dishes, God’s gentle voice spoke to my heart. “You can do this, Chrissy, because I am going to help you.” The voice was so real and reassuring that in that moment, I felt a courage I had never known before. It was as if something outside of me was pushing me to pick up the phone. The last of the dishes could wait a little longer.

  I pulled up a kitchen chair next to the phone. When I dialed his number, my mind was clear. More important, I wasn’t anxious at all.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Jaye. It’s me. Do you have a few minutes?”

  “Sure. What’s up?”

  “I need to talk to you about our relationship.” Without going into detail about what I had experienced, I simply told him that I didn’t want to live anymore the way I’d been living.

  “For right now I don’t think we should be together,” I said. “Jaye, I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m not putting this on you at all. It’s really about what’s going on inside of me. I’ve been in a really bad place.”

  I knew as I was talking that he had heard this all before and was probably tired of the back and forth too. But he had to notice that my voice was firm and not frazzled, that it sounded like there was a harmony in me rather than ramblings that made no sense.

  “I don’t want us to be apart, but I know it’s the right thing for now. We can make arrangements for you to see the baby, if that sounds good.”

  “Okay, that’s fine.” I couldn’t read anything in his response as we hung up.

  Sitting at the empty kitchen table, I didn’t crumple in a heap of tears. So many times before, I had wanted to end our relationship, yet I never could. But now I felt a strength flowing through me to do what had always seemed impossible. What I had wondered just a few minutes ago, I was sure of now: God was helping me and I knew I wasn’t alone.

  An overcast muted-gray sky stretched out over the snow-covered trees lining the street leading to my parents’ house. The tires of the car crunched and slid on the layer of fresh snow that blanketed the driveway. A brisk wind blew outside the car, swirling the snow off the branches and onto the windshield. I turned off the car and sat in the silence. The fresh snowfall had softened the bare branches and hard edge of winter. Everything looked so bright and new around me. It was exactly how I felt inside.

  With my hands still gripping the steering wheel, I stared up at the house and remembered the agony I felt the last time I was there. Flashes from that day replayed in my mind, and as the images rolled, strong doubt began to creep up on me. I was tempted to think that my parents would turn me away once again, since the ugly voice had already started whispering, You haven’t changed. You know your parents shouldn’t take you back. You’ll always be that Chrissy.

  As quickly as the doubt came, a supernatural courage and strength took over and chased it away. Because of what I already knew God had done for me, I chose to believe that He had begun to change me. After all, He had helped me take the first step with the phone call to Jaye.

  If there was one thing I knew for sure, it was that my parents were merciful and that it crushed them to see me hurting myself. I continued to stare at the door, thinking for the first time how hard it must have been for them to see me standing on the doorstep with their granddaughter and not being able to open the door. I sobbed at all of the pain I had caused them, momentarily carried away by an emotional tidal wave. My decisions had all been wrong; I was now convicted not because I felt forced by judgment but because I felt so sorry. Their front door represented everything I knew to be true.

  Minutes later, I got out of the car with Susie in my arms and started up the walk, knowing that if I crossed that threshold I would be saying good-bye to my old life. Joy began to flood my whole being, like the joy I had as a little girl! I pressed the doorbell, and within seconds I heard the doorknob rattling. As I stood there I thought, How can I convey in words how I feel at this moment? How will I make them understand what I believe God has done in my heart?

  The door opened, and there was Mom’s face, framed by the storm door. It felt like time stood still. Our eyes met and instantly a huge smile spread across her face. As I stepped inside, I dropped my bag to the ground and wrapped my free arm around her, burying my face into her shoulder. “Mom, it’s over,” I said, my tears flowing once again.

  She held me tight, her voice breaking. “I know it is, Chrissy.”

  After a long embrace, we pulled away to look at each other. She searched my face as I asked, “Where’s Daddy?”

  I could feel Mom’s anticipation. “Let me go get him.” When she ran up the stairs, I headed for the kitchen, the place that held so many memories. I stood looking out the window above the sink, bouncing the baby in my arms. The joy in my heart was so great I could barely absorb it. I feel new! I feel different. I’m home again and I’m free.

  The sound of Dad’s footsteps coming down the stairs sent an electrifying excitement through me. I heard him say, “Where is she?” At the sound of his voice, the little girl woke up in me again. He entered the room with my mom close behind.

  I rushed forward, handing the baby to her, then fell on my knees in front of him.

  “Daddy, I’ve sinned against God!” I sobbed, one shaky arm holding me up as my other hand gripped his pant leg. “I’ve sinned against myself.” I looked up at my parents. “I’ve sinned against you and Mommy. Please forgive me.” Without hesitating, Dad pulled me up from the floor and held me close as we cried together.

  Moments later we sat together in the living room. I was still overcome by what had just happened in the kitchen. When I had arrived at my parents’ house, I knew that I wasn’t the same girl anymore and that God was doing a miracle. But being on that kitchen floor and confessing my sin out loud had been the most liberating thing I had ever done in my life. I heard Susie Joy giggle. She was on her grandpa’s lap, his eyes brimming with love and adoration for this baby he had just met. My mom sat watching as though it was Christmas morning and she had just opened the best gift ever.

  Dad stood up and looked at me. His expression clearly indicated that the past was now behind us. “Well,” he said, with a note of celebration in his voice. “Do you know what we are going to do this Sunday, Chrissy? We are going to dedicate my beautiful granddaughter to the Lord.”

  THE FIRST FEW DAYS OF BEING HOME AGAIN were like being surrounded by a sweet comfort and warmth that had been long lost. In all of my running, I had never stopped to think about what I had been missing. Dad and Mom gave Susie and me the best room in the house, a sun-drenched room on the top floor with its own private bathroom. The sounds of my home were so pleasing to my senses, which had been worn and battered—giggles, doors opening and closing, and even the clattering of dinner dishes were soothing to me in a way that brought back what used to make me feel secure.

  My parents treated me as though nothing had ever happened. They didn’t make me fe
el like I was tainted or damaged goods by the way I had been living. Dad and Mom seemed to see no reason to bring up the past; it was like instantaneous forgiving and forgetting. And the baby coming into their lives—they were absolutely beside themselves with joy! Watching how much they loved Susie was unexpectedly fulfilling to me as a mom. I’d just stare at my parents as they kissed her over and over, while under my breath I was thanking God for His mercy to me.

  If my parents ever proved to me that they were “the real deal” when it came to their talk matching their walk, it was in those first days of being home. Their full acceptance really helped me to look with courage at the big day awaiting me—Sunday. Seeing my parents offer me such love and grace gave me hope that just maybe the people at church would follow their lead and receive me as well.

  The faint sound of the congregation singing floated into Dad’s office when Mom walked in. “Jim, the service has started.”

  Lorna popped her head in. “Hi, Pastor. Hi, Carol. Can I help?”

  “Oh yes, come on in.” Mom took Susie out of Dad’s arms. “Lorna, the dress is lovely! She looks so adorable. Thank you, as always.” She handed the baby to Lorna and came over to where I was sitting on the couch. “How are you doing, Chris? Are you ready?” she asked tenderly.

  “Yes, Mom. I’m doing good.”

  Dad chimed in, “Well then, let’s go.”

  My parents walked on either side of me as we made our way through the lobby. I could hear that the service was well under way, and I could tell the church was going to be packed with people when I saw chairs being set up in the lobby for overflow. When one of the ushers we passed said hello to me, I immediately became nervous.

  I took a deep breath, knowing that this day was inevitable and I had made up my mind not to run from it. Part of making things right was to face the people who loved me, even if it dredged up feelings of shame. I came down the side aisle with my head down, trying not to draw attention to myself, taking my reserved seat in the front row.