by Lena Manta
The young couple returned to Larissa full of enthusiasm and impatience for their new life. Aspasia could hardly wait. Kalamata was a much livelier city than Larissa and she counted the days until they moved into their new home, far from the courtyard that suffocated her.
As soon as they were settled, Kyrios Alekos made a trip to Kalamata to see the new office and left completely satisfied. Aspasia, who knew how much they were indebted to this man, did everything she could to look after him for the five days he stayed nearby, and Kyrios Alekos was truly pleased by Stavros’s good luck, although he couldn’t help thinking that if his daughter had more brains in her head, this fine, hardworking young man would now be his son. Together they could have done big things and spread out all over Greece. But instead, the girl had chosen a man she hardly ever saw as he traveled on big gas tankers for months on end, and the time she spent alone drove her to look for company that didn’t suit her.
It wasn’t very long before Aspasia suddenly realized that she was terribly bored. The discovery hit her like a giant wave. Stavros left before dawn each day and often returned late in the evening, leaving her with just her mother-in-law for company and her only amusement a walk to the sea. She had never found it easy to make friends, perhaps because she had sisters. From the time she was very young, she’d always had someone to play with, so she never sought the company of other girls. Later, when she was older, her sisters again took the place of friends as they told her all their secrets, great and small. Now that she was grown and living in Kalamata, she could have sought a companion among her neighbors, but she was still recovering from the claustrophobic feel of their neighborhood in Larissa, so she kept a wary distance.
Her mother-in-law, on the contrary, soon made a network of friends. She often left to have coffee with Aphrodite, who lived next door, or with Katina, whose house was two streets further up, and these women, in their turn, returned the visits. Aspasia usually took care to be out of the house at those times. She got tired of the boring conversations the older women had, about recipes, children, and grandchildren, and she preferred to take her regular walk to the sea. There, looking at the ocean that began at her feet and stretched as far as she could see, the desire for escape came back to her. The ships she saw leaving made her eyes fill with tears; she wanted to board one of them without knowing its destination, so much so that it sometimes felt painful. Kalamata began to feel like her village had—like the heavy ball and chain that prisoners once wore. It weighed down her feet and her soul and chained her to the ground, while she wanted to fly high and far, to see the world and live her life however it came. She didn’t dare write about these thoughts to her mother because she knew how she would answer. In the short letters she wrote, she confined herself to daily events.
Songs came back to her lips and with them the desire to make something of her voice, even though she wasn’t sure how. At the same time she thought about her husband; he had married to have a family, not for his wife to be a singer. Duty and desire fought each other inside her. So when she discovered, just over a year into their marriage, that she was pregnant, she felt some relief mixed with her joy. The child she was expecting was the distraction she needed to drive foolish ambition out of her heart and root out of her brain every false hope that she might have to one day become a singer.
Stavros was out of his mind with happiness when he found out the news. So was his mother, who impatiently waited for her first grandchild and set about making everything it would need. She embroidered sheets, crocheted blankets and little jackets, but not once did Aspasia tell anyone that she hoped the baby would be a boy so that it would take her husband’s name, as was the custom. She felt rather ashamed of this desire. To assuage her guilt, she prayed for hours on end that the child be healthy, whatever it was. Kyria Stella, who had begun to make daily visits to the church, prayed for something else: that this child would bring peace to her daughter-in-law’s soul. For some time she had known that Aspasia was a restless spirit. Kyria Stella was afraid when she saw the way the girl looked at the sea. Her desire for escape hadn’t gone unnoticed by the old woman and she feared the time when that desire would grow stronger than the feelings of duty that she knew Aspasia had in her.
Stavros and Aspasia’s daughter was born a few days before they celebrated their second wedding anniversary and by general admission, she was the most beautiful baby anyone in the hospital had ever seen—completely blond, with a bright little face and her mother’s regular features. Very moved, the mother-in-law held her grandchild in her arms and thanked God she was strong and healthy.
The baby swept everything up and changed everyone’s lives. Little Stella, as they called her, had very strong opinions about her care and would only calm down in her mother’s arms. Aspasia couldn’t be away from her for a moment or else the child would make a deafening racket with her cries and sobs. This wasn’t unpleasant at first, of course, but soon it began to be a nightmare for Aspasia. Wherever she went she had to take the baby; on her walks to the sea she now had company, and despite the fact that little Stella was quiet in her stroller, Aspasia felt as if she had lost her independence.
As soon as Stella was six months old, Aspasia discovered, this time without any pleasure, that she was pregnant again. Stavros could jump for joy and her mother-in-law could weep with emotion, but she didn’t feel the same. She was much more tired than she’d been during her first pregnancy and she wondered how she’d manage if the second child had the same disposition as the first. How much of her would be left?
A second daughter soon joined the family. Even though Aspasia had again hoped for a boy to name after her husband, she was happy to give the child her mother’s name. Little Theodora was the complete opposite of her sister. She never cried and showed no special need for much affection from her mother. On the contrary, she seemed very happy and satisfied in her father’s arms and got along well with her grandmother.
As the two girls grew, their differences continued to show. Little Stella went wherever her mother was, while Theodora was always with her grandmother. Nevertheless their love for one another was very obvious from the beginning. The little one, in particular, admired the older one and looked at her with adoration, and Stella, when they got a little older, took the blame for whatever mischief they’d been up to.
When Theodora was just eight months old, Aspasia realized that she was expecting a third child. Extremely upset by the news, she had a row with Stavros, their first serious quarrel in four years of marriage.
“I can’t go on having a baby nearly every year!” she exclaimed when Stavros tried to hug her.
“What are you saying?” he asked in surprise. “I don’t understand.”
“That I don’t want this baby!” Aspasia shouted.
Stavros’s face darkened. “Have you gone crazy, Aspasia? God sends us a child and you resent it?”
“First of all, it’s not one child, it’s the third. Secondly, the last one isn’t even a year old. And finally, I don’t think the Almighty has anything to do with your dirty business.”
“My dirty business? Is that how you feel every time I touch you?” Stavros was now beside himself.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. But I can’t go on having children all the time. I’m tired, don’t you understand?”
“No. But explain it to me so I can.”
“I’m trying but you don’t want to listen. The children are very young—one came right after the other. I can’t even imagine having another child in the house. And basically you’re gone all day.”
“So what should I do, then? Stay home? I have mouths to feed.”
“Yes, you do. Too many in fact, and now we’re adding another. You already work from morning till night so I never see you anymore; we don’t even go out. And I’m stuck in here all day with two babies and your mother. This is no life!”
“So what did you expect when we got married, Aspasia? Didn’t you know we’d have a family? And now what’
s missing? Whatever you ask for, you get! Did I ever make you do without clothes, shoes, and whatever else you want?”
“And why do I have them? What do I do with them? Do we ever go anywhere?”
“What does that have to do with the child?”
“Just that another child means more expenses and more of being tied down.”
“So if you didn’t have the children what would you do?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’d work.”
“Work? Where would you work then?”
“Somewhere! I’d bring some money into the house and more important, I wouldn’t be stuck inside all day.”
“Aspasia, are you in your right mind today? When I met you, did you have some plan to work that I didn’t know about? Had you decided to study or learn some skill and I got in your way? What’s this you’re flinging at me without any warning?”
“I like singing and you know I have a good voice. That’s what enchanted you back then if I’m not mistaken,” Aspasia said bitterly.
Stavros stood looking at her for a moment. “Who told you it was your voice that enchanted me? It was you yourself who enchanted me. I loved you and I thought you loved me too.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t love you.”
“Then why are you driving me crazy? And what does singing have to do with this conversation? I married you so we could set up a house, not a bouzouki joint. You’re a married woman with two children and you’re expecting a third, and we’re sitting here talking about what? The possibility that you’ll become a singer?”
“It’s my dream we’re talking about, Stavros! A dream that will never be anything else but a dream in the end!” Aspasia answered as her eyes filled with tears.
Stavros went to her, softer now. “Hey, sweetheart, why did this idea come to you today? All this time you never told me you had a dream like that. And now, instead of being happy because we’re expecting a baby, we’re quarreling about nonsense.”
Aspasia stopped crying and looked at him angrily. “Nonsense? Is that all you have to say about all the things I’ve just told you? Do you understand me so little? All you care about is having a wife at home to wash and iron and cook for you and to raise the children you make for her. Not to mention that later you’ll need her as a nurse for your mother.”
Stavros jumped up from beside her in a fury now. “You shouldn’t have said that! You’re wrong, Aspasia. And my mother adores you—she helps you and she embraced you with real love. How can you think that way about her and me?”
“Of all the things I said, what isn’t true?” Aspasia asked. “Do I do all the things I said or not? As for your mother, I have nothing against her, but that is what the outcome will be. So why are you angry? And amongst all these duties, where do I fit in? Where do I exist and when will I ever get to do what I want? When we married you were a simple driver; now Kyrios Alekos is getting ready to make you a partner. Your dreams, your career, everything is turning out as you wanted it. But what about me?”
“What about you? When I married you, you were a village girl who wanted, by any means you could, to escape the life you were leading.”
“And end up in a worse one where I have only responsibilities and no rights?”
“I’m not going to answer that because I’ll only say things I’ll regret afterward. I’m very sorry that you’ve spoiled an otherwise happy day—I didn’t know you felt like this. But there’s nothing else I can do, Aspasia. I’m offering you what I offered when we first agreed to marry. Nothing more and nothing less. The only thing I can promise you, now that I know what you want, is that there won’t be another child after this. Certainly, if you had said it before, I’d have taken precautions, but I didn’t know. It’s the only thing I can say I’m sorry about.”
Stavros suddenly looked very tired. He left the room and Aspasia heard the door shut behind him. Almost immediately she started to cry. She already regretted all the things she had said. She was ashamed of her ingratitude and for throwing it all so insensitively in his face, and she berated herself for not being happy with her life. Stavros was right about everything he had said and she hadn’t had the courage to accept it and say she was sorry before he’d left so bitterly. She thanked God that the children were sleeping and her mother-in-law was out. If Kyria Stella had overheard what she’d said about caring for her, Aspasia would have died of shame. What had come over her?
A little while later, when Stavros came back home, she flung herself into his arms weeping and asking for forgiveness. When Stavros saw the sincerity in her eyes, he hugged her tightly, taking a deep breath as if he’d been drowning.
“Don’t do that to me again, Aspasia,” he whispered. “I felt as if the ground was giving way under my feet. I thought my head would burst. I love you more than my own life and I try to do the best for you and the children. I understand that you’ve been lonely here, that we don’t go out and have fun at all, but I promise you that these things will pass. Look how successful we’ve been since we married. In a little while we’ll be able to buy our own house. Just be a little bit patient.”
“Forget everything I said—I was being silly. Maybe it’s the pregnancy. The doctor says a pregnant woman’s hormones do all sorts of strange things. That’s what’s wrong. Do you forgive me?”
His kiss conveyed his forgiveness. Then she led him to the bed and gave herself to him with a passion that reminded her of the first days of their marriage.
Months later, Aspasia’s son, unable to survive the difficulty of birth, died before he’d properly come into the world. The house was truly overwhelmed with grief, but Stavros and his mother hid their despair as they tried to help Aspasia, who got worse every day. She forced herself to get out of bed each morning, but even little Stella couldn’t attract her attention; as for little Theodora, it was as if she didn’t exist as far as her mother was concerned. For hours on end, Aspasia would sit and stare at nothing, and if it hadn’t been for her mother-in-law feeding her, she might have died of starvation. At night she hardly slept, and although Christmas was approaching and the nights were chilly, she went outside and sat for hours on the verandah. Her gaze passed over the lights of the town and focused on the harbor and the boats that were anchored there. In time, she came down with a severe cold and was confined to her bed for weeks with high fevers. All the while, her grief persisted. In fact, she cried even more.
In a moment of helplessness, Stavros yelled at her. “Enough!” he shouted one day when Aspasia started crying again. “It’s been three months since you lost the baby and instead of getting better, you get worse and worse! Life goes on, Aspasia—you don’t seem to understand that! We have two other children who need you. What do you think you’ll achieve with this behavior? Will it bring him back?”
“I’m not crying for that,” Aspasia answered.
Stavros was thunderstruck. “So why are you crying?” he asked.
“I’m to blame for everything that happened. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Forgive yourself for what? Tell me, Aspasia, so we can find some way out. The way things are going, we’re heading for disaster. Why do you say it’s your fault?”
“I didn’t want the child and said terrible things when I found out I was pregnant. And so God has punished me. He took the baby from me before I could hold him in my arms. That’s why I’m crying.”
“What you’re saying is crazy, Aspasia! What fault is it of yours that the child had a heart defect and couldn’t survive? Didn’t you hear the doctor? Even if the boy had lived, it wouldn’t have been for long. Perhaps for a week, perhaps a little longer, but he would have died. It’s not your fault!”
“How can you say that after everything I said? The memory of it all makes me want to end it all in the sea.”
“Oh, nice words, Aspasia!” Stavros said sarcastically. “And what about our children? They need you. And what’s more, I do too. It’s not your fault, my darling, that we lost the child. It was the will of God, like so m
any other things that happen in the world. The important thing is for you to look ahead and offer our girls what they need. And if you want to pray about something, pray that our daughters are healthy and strong. And later on, if you want to, we’ll have another child.”
Aspasia fell into her husband’s arms and began to finally calm down. From that day on she slowly recovered and her mother-in-law hurried to light a large candle in the church as she prayed that her daughter-in-law would find peace.
The wedding celebration of one of Stavros’s colleagues would put his own marriage to the test, although none of them knew it at the time. No one could imagine that the reception following the ceremony would cause so much damage.
Three years had passed since Aspasia had lost her son, but she hadn’t mentioned the subject of another child and Stavros hadn’t pressured her. Little Stella had turned six and was going to school, leaving Theodora inconsolable during the hours that her sister was away.
On the evening of the wedding, Aspasia was more beautiful than ever. Her daughters were so dazzled as they watched her and their father leave that they forgot to complain about being left behind with their grandmother. Immediately after the ceremony, the couple went to the nightclub where the reception was being held. It had been years since Aspasia had had any fun and she enjoyed it with all her heart. In her high spirits, she took the microphone from the singer and opened Pandora’s box with a single song. It was a tremendous surprise for everyone who knew them, but also for Aspasia herself. Her clear, strong voice blended perfectly with the band and everyone’s spirits were lifted even higher. When she tried to give back the microphone, the hired singer refused and begged her to continue as he backed her in harmony. They sang the third song together.