by Lena Manta
That afternoon, when she arrived at Martha’s house to tell her about the new role, a surprise awaited her. Martha announced that she was expecting a baby. She was radiant and very happy, despite the doubts she was having about giving birth to a healthy baby at her age.
“But the doctor’s assured me that I’m completely healthy and I’ll manage it,” Martha said.
Polyxeni had never seen her friend like this. Her face had softened; her eyes shone with a strange light and a permanent sweet smile seemed to be painted on her lips. “You’ve changed,” Polyxeni said.
“I’m happy, Xenia. Stathis is everything I ever dreamed of, and the only thing I curse myself for is that I didn’t marry him earlier. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have the love of such a man.”
“To be honest, no. I can’t imagine feeling so satisfied by a man’s love.”
“Have you never been in love?”
“Never. And I don’t know, that is, I don’t think . . .” Polyxeni stopped in confusion.
Martha sat down beside her and took her hand. “Tell me, Xenia. I’m your friend—perhaps the only friend you’ll ever have. Don’t hide what you’re feeling inside.”
“I don’t think you want to hear it, and you certainly won’t understand it.”
“Try me. We’re alone—Stathis is out. Talk to me.”
With difficulty, Polyxeni began to describe her relationship with Leonidas. She described their lovemaking as if she were talking about the weather, completely indifferent. She confessed that she didn’t understand anything about the great wonder she was supposed to feel.
She stopped when she had said everything, then looked at Martha, whose sad expression annoyed her. “I told you that you wouldn’t understand,” she said sharply.
“Who said I didn’t understand?” Martha rejoined. “It’s precisely because I understood that I’m feeling such sorrow.”
“For me?”
“For you and for him. What do you want from life, Xenia? Have you thought about that?”
“I don’t know. Nothing gives me any pleasure except my work. When I’m on stage I feel alive. When I come down from there I become a spectator of my own life and nothing touches me, nothing moves me or affects me in any way. When I’m in front of the camera shooting a scene, I feel everything that the woman I am playing feels. In my own life, though, I feel nothing.”
“That’s not good.”
“But that’s the way I’m made, Martha. Why can’t you accept me the way I am?”
“I’ve never met anyone like you, despite the fact that I’ve known a lot of people in my life, including actresses with dreams and ambitions. You’re living half a life—crippled, without feelings. And what about Leonidas? How does this affect him?”
“He’s in his own world. He’s happy just because I’m in his bed.”
“You speak cynically. This is not love, my girl.”
“That’s why I’m thinking of putting an end to this relationship. And besides, it’s been going on for too long.”
“You got what you wanted,” Martha stated bitterly.
“You could put it like that.”
“And what will happen to Leonidas?”
“Mercy, Martha! What am I supposed to do? Stay with him out of pity? Basically, if he doesn’t understand that not all relationships lead to the altar, perhaps it’s time he learned.”
“All the gossip magazines say you’re heading for marriage.”
“You read them too? They’ve finally begun to take an interest in me!”
“Be careful, Xenia.”
“What should I be careful of?”
“Everybody knows about your relationship. If Leonidas does some harm to himself, they’ll all blame you.”
“So? I’ll go down in history as a fateful woman.”
Martha looked at her, shocked.
“You said you wanted to hear what I’m thinking, what’s going on inside me. Now you have to put up with the consequences. I never speak freely to anyone anymore, but you insisted.”
“You’re right. And I still prefer you tell me what you’re thinking rather than keep it to yourself. But when you do, you’ll have to accept my criticism and advice.”
“Fine. But that doesn’t mean I have to act on it.”
“Agreed.”
Polyxeni left feeling lighter than when she’d come, and she had to admit that she was breathing more freely. It had been years since she’d revealed herself to someone just as she was, and she still wondered how she had done it. Perhaps it was Martha’s calm voice and the sweet atmosphere of her house.
The decision to separate from Leonidas was delayed. A week after her conversation with Martha, he turned up with a signed contract for the purchase of the house. Polyxeni didn’t know what to say. She looked at his face, bright red with happiness, and wondered why she couldn’t love this man who offered her everything she wanted before she’d even asked for it. She did feel happy to finally have something of her own, a whole apartment that was entirely hers. She let Leonidas lead her straight to bed, where she became totally unaware of what her body was doing. Like a piece of wood, like a dead thing, she abandoned herself to his hands.
When Polyxeni realized that she and Leonidas had already been together for a year, she knew that she couldn’t delay their separation any longer. When her producer told her that he was taking her to a film festival in Thessaloniki for a few days, she decided it was the right moment.
“And how many days will you be away?” Leonidas asked sadly when she told him about her departure.
“Four—five at most,” she answered coldly.
“Shall I come with you?” he suggested longingly.
“No, of course not. I’ll have lots of things to do there and I won’t have time to pay attention to you.”
“Then when you get back, I’d finally like us to talk seriously about our future.”
“And I think we should do that now.”
“Even better,” Leonidas said, taking heart. “I say that, when you get back, we announce our engagement and arrange to have the wedding before Christmas. My parents are very anxious to meet you.”
“Have you spoken to your parents about us?” Polyxeni’s voice didn’t hide her displeasure.
“Yes. But they’d already seen us in so many magazines! They knew we were going out together, and now they know that I love you and want to marry you.”
“Yes, but it’s not enough for only you to want it.”
“But I told you. My parents have no objection.”
“Have you asked me?”
The curt phrase made Leonidas lose all his color. “What are you trying to say? Don’t you love me anymore?”
“Did I ever say I loved you in the first place?”
Leonida was completely overcome. “But we’ve been together for so long—we have a . . . relationship!”
“And does that oblige us to marry?”
“What are you saying, my love? I feel as if you’re joking.”
“I’m not in the habit of joking. Listen, Leonidas. The truth is that you’ve been very good to me, and you’ve even given me this apartment, but I don’t think I want to marry you.”
“But why? Would you rather we go on as an unmarried couple?”
“I don’t want that either.”
Leonidas tottered as if he’d received a strong blow to his face. “Xenia, what are you saying?”
“I think you understand. I’m sorry Leonidas, but I want it to end here.”
“This can’t be true! You can’t be telling the truth! Xenia, I love you. I can’t live without you!”
“I’m afraid you’ll have to. I’m leaving for Thessaloniki in the morning and when I come back, I don’t want to see you again.”
“But why? What did I do to you? Is there someone else? Tell me the truth!”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course there’s no one else. I have no desire to get mixed up with someone else—I haven’t got out of this y
et.”
“Is this how you see me? Someone you got mixed up with? How is that possible? Only yesterday you were sighing in my arms.”
“It was probably you, sighing in mine, that you heard. If you were more perceptive you’d have seen that I never felt anything for you. I tried, because you’re a good person, but . . .”
Leonidas looked at her as if he didn’t recognize her. He rushed at her and grabbed her by the arms. He shook her, howling her name, trying to kiss her, but her lips remained closed and frozen.
Polyxeni looked at him with an empty gaze. “If you want to become violent, I won’t fight you,” she said coldly. “But whatever you do won’t change the fact that we’re finished.”
Leonidas pushed her hard and she fell on the carpet. Her coolness made him even more furious. “I’ll kill you!” he screamed.
“And that’s the way you’ll make me yours?”
“Afterward I’ll kill myself!”
“Not even in the next world will I be yours. Accept my decision and go, Leonidas! When you calm down, you’ll meet another woman who’ll love you.”
“Never! There’ll never be another!” he yelled, then left quickly, as if he were being pursued.
Polyxeni sighed with relief. After an entire year she finally felt free. Without any delay she began packing her bags. She wanted to dash out and see Martha before she left town. Martha’s pregnancy was progressing normally and she had begun to show. Stathis kept teasing her about her belly and laughing happily. Polyxeni was glad for her friend, but she didn’t envy her at all—in a little while she’d be stuck with diapers and pacifiers.
It was dark when she stepped outside to hail a taxi to go to Martha’s house, so Polyxeni didn’t see him immediately. When the taxi stopped in front of her, Leonidas appeared on the opposite sidewalk. She looked at him then got into the cab without paying him any further attention. As the car pulled away, he howled her name. As soon as the sound of his voice had faded behind them she heard the shot.
A nightmare—that’s what it must be—it couldn’t be true. Yet Leonidas was lying on the sidewalk in a pool of blood from the bullet that had penetrated his skull and killed him instantly. The taxi driver thought he had a flat tire and stopped. People from the building began shouting. A woman shrieked.
“Something’s happened,” said the driver, shaken, as he got back into the car. “It wasn’t a tire. It was a shot!”
“Whatever it was, I don’t have time—I’m in a hurry,” Polyxeni said sharply. “Please, let’s go!”
The driver hesitated at first. But then he realized the police would be coming soon, and he didn’t want to get mixed up in anything. So he drove off quickly.
As soon as Polyxeni got to the house, she collapsed in Stathis’s arms. Her reserves of self-control had evaporated. Stathis led her half fainting to the sofa while Martha ran to fetch water and smelling salts. With a great effort, Polyxeni explained to them what had happened in the afternoon when she ended things with Leonidas. When she got to the part about the suicide, Martha let out a small cry and collapsed in an armchair.
Polyxeni turned to Stathis, who looked angrily at her.
“I told you!” he yelled. “I warned you that he wouldn’t be able to bear losing you.”
“Stathis,” Martha intervened. “There’s no point in attacking her now.”
“Do you realize what she’s done? She sent a man to his death in cold blood!”
“I didn’t believe he’d do it,” Polyxeni said in a quiet voice. “A lot of people separate, and none of them die.”
“None of them except Leonidas. He has a history of suicidal tendencies. I told you that.”
“If I hadn’t been the reason for it to happen, someone else would have.”
“Perhaps someone else would not have aroused such a great love. But you were the love of his life and you know it. You slept with him for a year. You drove him crazy!”
“Is there any point in our saying this now?” Martha intervened again. “The point is to decide what we’ll do now that this has happened.”
“We can’t do anything,” Stathis argued. “Nor do we have anything to do with this. But her? Can you imagine what will happen when the newspapers find out? Their relationship was known to everyone. He blew his brains out right outside her door!”
Polyxeni got up and began pacing nervously. “It’s not my fault if Leonidas didn’t know how to take rejection. I couldn’t stay with him any longer because I was afraid he might do the crazy thing he finally did.”
“Well now you’ll have a lot more to be afraid of,” Stathis warned. “Especially when it comes to your career. All those people who know you as a tender, loving girl—do you think they’ll accept the fact that you drove a man to suicide?”
Polyxeni’s panic began to rise. “What shall I do? What shall I do? I wanted us to separate, not for him to die.”
Martha got up, stood beside her, and put her arms around Polyxeni’s shoulders. Then she looked pleadingly at her husband. “Will you help her?”
Stathis, for a moment, thought of refusing, but his wife’s look changed his mind. He took a deep breath before he spoke. “I must think up a story for the press. If you appear in public as you are now, it’ll all be over for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have to look as if you’re in shock. You have to present your separation as a tragic disagreement that poor Leonidas misunderstood, then killed himself in despair. The newspapers and magazines worship great love stories. You’ll be the heroine in a tragedy and that will save you from a lynching.”
“So what am I to do? I’m flying to Thessaloniki tomorrow.”
“That’s impossible. Forget about it! You can’t make a promotional appearance at the same time as your lover’s funeral.”
“I can’t go to his funeral!” Polyxeni protested with horror.
“You won’t need to. I’ll arrange it with a doctor and we’ll announce that you’ve had a nervous breakdown. Then you’ll wait patiently until the story’s been forgotten. That way there’ll be no danger of ruining your name. If the press describes you as a hard, unfeeling woman who drove someone to suicide, you’re finished.”
“I’ll do anything you tell me. I’ll call my director, the producer.”
“Are you mad?” Stathis scolded. “You’re not supposed to know anything about the tragic event. You left your house to come and see us, and he did what he did behind you, without your knowing. I’ll drive you home now. The press will probably be waiting outside. You’ll act as if you don’t know anything.”
“I can’t do that.”
“You can. You’re an actress. So play the scene to save your neck.”
The next hours were a bad dream for Polyxeni. Stathis took her home and, as he’d predicted, a swarm of reporters was waiting outside.
“As soon as you hear the news, faint!” Stathis ordered her through clenched teeth.
That evening Polyxeni gave the best performance of her life. As soon as somebody asked her what she had to say about Leonidas’s suicide, she persuasively feigned ignorance. And when they explained to her what had happened, she collapsed in Stathis’s arms. He lifted her up and took her to her apartment. Later he came out to learn the details. Leonidas had left a note that they had found on him. The only thing he said was that he couldn’t live without his beloved. When Stathis finally permitted the reporters to come up to her apartment for a brief interview, he stood beside her like Cerberus.
Polyxeni explained that she loved Leonidas, that there’d been a misunderstanding, an argument, and he, thinking he had lost her, did what he did. Finally she burst into loud weeping. It was the excuse for Stathis to dismiss the reporters, telling them they must leave Miss Olympiou to lament the loss of her beloved.
When he closed the door behind them Polyxeni looked at him, wiping her eyes and completely under control.
“How do you think it went?” she asked.
“From the first moment
I saw you perform, I said you were a good actress, but in fact you’ve become much better,” he answered coldly.
“So what do we do from here?”
Polyxeni’s casual attitude infuriated Stathis. “I’m asking myself, finally, what sort of person you are,” he shouted at her. “Do you understand what happened tonight? A young man died and what was his crime? That he loved a heartless bitch like you!”
“Would it make any difference if I was crying and beating my breast?”
“At least you could show some remorse for what you provoked.”
“I didn’t tell him to go and kill himself! You’d think the world was running out of women.”
“What can I say to you that you could possibly understand?”
“I just want to know what to do now.”
“Call the director and tell him what happened. Tell him you’re not going to Thessaloniki.”
“At all?”
“Xenia, you will be in bed recovering from a nervous breakdown. Stop worrying about attending the premieres at the festival. You’ll find yourself at many more from now on. Your star is in the ascendant. May God pity your suitors and whoever loves you!”
Polyxeni ignored the insult. “And what will you do now?” she asked.
“I’ll contact my doctor and he’ll send an announcement to the papers about your condition. You, for the time being, will shut yourself up in the apartment. Martha and I will come to see you and bring you whatever you need. Are you happy now?”
“Let’s say, yes. And when will I be able to leave the apartment? My next shoot begins in ten days.”
“Don’t worry. By then you’ll be free and your admirers can stand in line to see their sad heroine. And you can expect a leading role very soon.”
Stathis was completely right about everything. Beside the headlines announcing Leonidas’s suicide, the papers featured a photograph of Polyxeni fainting in Stathis’s arms. The captions pleased her: Miss Xenia Olympiou distraught about the unfortunate death of her beloved, one wrote. Miss Olympiou collapsed when she was told about the unfortunate death of her lover. The cause was a misunderstanding, another one informed the public.