How could I have believed that forcing him away would be for the best?
How could I have told him he frightened me?
Disgust with myself, was the strongest feeling coursing through my veins at that moment. I trusted him with my life. I had witnessed the hurt in his expression and the revulsion in his eyes, as I lied to him.
I took a look at my surroundings, slightly shaking my head in disbelief as I stared up at the stained ceiling. I couldn’t believe we had got to this again. Frankly I had never been more disappointed in myself. I wasn’t proud to admit, to myself at least, that my stubborn pride and reluctance to not get hurt again had taken a tight hold of me, but this was the first time I actually realised just how self-destructive that had become. In trying to protect myself, I had forced away once again the only man I had ever loved.
I made myself get up. I needed a shower and to have my stuff ready to go, the moment Brock and his son turned up for me. I wasn’t going to let anyone down ever again, not Nathan and especially not myself.
It took me close to an hour to shower, tidy up the room and gather my few belongings. In doing so, I kept glancing at the wall where only yesterday we had practically devoured each other, yet it seemed like a lifetime ago. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I tried to work out whether my churning stomach actually required food, or if I would just need to throw up if I ate anything. I was going to eat. I wasn’t going to be a burden on Brock and his son, not after they had unwittingly got mixed up in my bloody past as well.
Nathan’s phone started to vibrate with an incoming call. Looking at the screen I could see it was Frankie calling. I swiped the screen with my finger and placed it to my ear as I watched out of the dirty window, the sun had risen above the buildings in front of the motel.
A brand new day, a brand new me.
‘Hi, gorgeous girl,’ I spoke.
‘Are you OK?’
‘No… but if I ever see Nathan again and he gives me a chance to apologise… then just maybe I will be.’
‘Oh, Bella… what am I going to do with you two?’ I heard her let out a sad sigh. By the sounds coming through to me on the phone she had just sat herself down heavily on something comfortable.
‘Loving someone is… hard, isn’t it?’ I questioned. I was running my fingertips up and down the peeling paintwork to the side of the window, relishing the feel of the rough, cracked texture. I loved Nate’s calloused fingers on my skin and I quickly removed my hand as my thoughts went back to him, yet again.
‘Only when you make it that way. If you would just open up to him and if you love him enough to trust in what he tells you… then it’s the easiest thing on earth,’ she sighed at the end of her sentence, and I just knew that Alex had entered her head.
‘What has you awake at this ungodly hour, anyway?’ I questioned, making sure my voice no longer had the pitiful sad tone I had been speaking with earlier.
‘Nate just text, asking me to call you… he didn’t wake me… carrying this enormous child, that seems to want to play rugby with my bladder, does that all by itself.’ She laughed gently at her joke.
‘You don’t seem to be at all surprised that I’ve blown it again and that he’s left me?’
‘Well as I know he’s riding back to meet Alex, Scott and Hunter, I wouldn’t be surprised at that, now would I? I didn’t know however, that you two needed your heads knocking together again until I got his text. Which was a bit strange as it came from your mobile?’
‘Yeah he’s taken my phone… they think that Ioan has been tracking it and of course I’ve stupidly been using it and now they know where to find me… and no… no you’ve got that wrong.’ I heard my voice slipping back into the self-pitying tone that I had only just moments before managed to shake. ‘He has headed back to New York. The Jack Russell has an appointment with the doctor and he is going back to support her… she’s probably due around the same time as you, Frankie.’ I got the last bit out in between a few sobs that were once again pushing their way out of my body.
‘BELLA… STOP… you have got hold of the wrong end of the stick…’
‘I heard him, Frankie… he left her a message on the penthouse phone saying he would be around to support her and yes, you did hear that correctly, she is staying at his penthouse apartment.’ I made my way back to the bed and sat down in a dejected flop. I kicked my pumps back off my feet as I raised my legs and lay back down again on the bed.
‘Bella, he is traveling back to meet Alex and the others… they plan on confronting the Antonescus… are you listening to me and taking in what I’m saying to you?’ Her voice had taken on an assertive tone as she tried to break through my self-pitying bubble.
‘Oh my God!’ I pressed a hand to my mouth as the realisation hit me.
‘I don’t know what is wrong with Candy… but I don’t think she is carrying Nathan’s baby… obviously I don’t know one hundred percent, but I’m convinced he hasn’t been near her for a while… using the info I get from Alex,’ she added.
I didn’t say anything back for a few seconds, just letting my brain process what she had just said.
‘I was so cruel to him, Frankie… and all the time he was going to put himself in the firing line to save me from those bastards. I don’t think I can ever bloody forgive myself,’ I added, closing my eyes and trapping myself within my own thoughts.
‘You can and you will… he loves you… the two of you need each other more than oxygen, it’s obvious to anyone who sees you together. YOU just needed to recognise it, he realised way before you, but loved you enough to let you go and do what you felt you needed to do… he loved you enough to let you go and risk never having you back in his arms again. Trust him, Bella.’
‘Oh dear God, what have I done?’ I wasn’t really asking her, but questioning my own hurtful actions from earlier.
‘You can put it right… get in the car and go with Brock to California… they will all return from this, Bella… they have to.’ I heard her inner most thoughts in that statement and once again my guilt rose up inside of me. So many people putting their lives on the line for mine, was completely overwhelming and painful all at the same time.
We chatted on for a while, trying to talk about anything so our thoughts weren’t taken back to the men we loved, who as we spoke were travelling towards a showdown with the demonic bastard who raped a fifteen-year-old and the sadistic bastard who raised him and taught him all he knew. I had chosen the best person in the world to be my friend. She was worried about her new husband, growing daily with their child, and all she wanted to do was stay on the line to occupy me until Brock arrived. She told me all the gross details about her clinic appointments until she had me laughing as I lay on the bed chatting to her. I never did order breakfast.
‘I’m telling you, Bella… once you’ve been pregnant with everyone having a good look at you, and poking at all your intimate parts, you lose all sense of embarrassment. I love the appointments though as I get to watch Alex go into full-on jealous mode…’
‘I can imagine.’
‘Oh no… you most definitely cannot. I almost feel sorry for the doctors, he won’t budge from my side, I mean not at all. The doctors uncover part of me to do one of their many checks, they turn around to record the facts then come back… and he’s bloody covered me up again and stands there with his arms crossed against his chest glowering at them,’ she finished with a laugh. ‘I’ve suggested that perhaps he could wait outside and I have never seen such a bloody sulk in my life, so I now lie there with a big grin on my face as he scowls at them and covers me up. The clinicians quietly go about their business not daring to look up at him. Get back here soon, Christ knows what will happen if I go into labour without you to shout him down.’ It had worked and we both shared a quiet laugh together.
A sudden knock at the door broke my thoughts and pictures in my mind of Alex.
‘The door just went… hold on I’m going to have a quick look through the spy hole.’ I
peered through to the outside and there I saw smiling back at me, the man from the picture on Nate’s phone.
‘Bella… Is it Brock?’ Frankie whispered into my ear, like she was in the room with me. I didn’t answer I just watched as the man outside bent down and lifted up a small boy with dark brown hair, he moved the boys arm in a wave to me.
‘Hi, Frankie,’ came a call from outside.
‘Yes it’s Brock… he’s just called me Frankie, so I’m going to open the door.’ I opened the door wide with as much confidence as I could muster.
‘Thanks for that… small boy coming through, he needs to pee real bad.’ The information was bestowed on me as Brock entered the room fast, steering the three-foot high figure now in front of him into the middle of my room, stopping only once to take in where he needed to go next in order to stop another stain being put onto the lovely threadbare carpet. I watched as they disappeared into the bathroom.
‘Bella?’ Came into my ear. ‘OK?’
‘Yes… I’m fine, it’s Brock… he and the small boy he’s with have disappeared into the bathroom, desperate for a pee apparently.’ I couldn’t help the smile that came over my face as I looked at the door that was now pushed to.
‘OK… I’m going to try and get some rest… I love you, bestie, if you hear anything phone me and I’ll do vice versa. OK?’
‘Of course, I love you too… speak soon.’
BELLA
I was pleased to leave the room behind and climbed into the passenger seat as Brock held open the door for me. I looked at the road signs as we pulled away from the motel and started to head in the direction of Texas. I had my few belongings on my lap in the rucksack and for the first few miles I’d pretended to play with them, all the while I was taking in the man who was sat next to me. The little guy in the back, who had been introduced as Max, was comfortably sitting in his car seat and had nodded off, leaving an awkward silence filling the car. In my peripheral view I was taking in everything I could about the complete stranger, who had come all this way to help me, even bringing his young son. He must love Nathan like a brother. True to the small picture I had seen on the phone he had short brown hair, apart from the top, which was long and held back by some sort of hair product. His eyes were like nothing I had ever seen before and I couldn’t quite decide what colour they were, as they seemed to change with the light, either ice blue or grey. He had a neat and well-trimmed beard. I guessed he was over six foot but not quite as tall as Nathan. He was lean and muscular, with just a few tattoos. He wore jeans and a T-shirt, with some band on it I had never heard of. The little boy behind me worshipped the ground he walked on. That much I had gleaned in the twenty minutes he had remained awake for.
‘Remind me not to let him sleep for long, won’t you?’ I felt his gaze leave the road and connect briefly with the side of my head.
‘Oh yeah, sure,’ I answered.
‘He’ll be hell tonight… when we need to sleep, he’ll be bouncing around and yapping,’ he offered, as a smile crossed over his lips. The smile helped me to relax a little and I slowly turned my head to smile back. ‘There she is,’ he added, clearly pleased I was finally opening up slightly.
‘Sorry.’
‘Nah… you’re OK… let’s start at the beginning. Nice to meet you, I’m Brock… Morish’s friend and sometimes his only friend … when he’s being an ass. The little fella behind you is my son, Max. He’s three and a real handful. Your turn.’
‘Hi I’m Bella…sorry… Frankie on this trip and I’m the stupid fool who’s in love with your best mate and has once again pushed him away… and, Morish?’
‘WOW! I’m going to really like you, Bella… It’s a first to find a woman who’s said no to that cocky, strutting asswipe. Hence his nickname.’ He continued to fill me in on their bromance. ‘So tell me, what the hell is going on with you two?’
‘It’s a long story.’
‘Bella, we have a long journey ahead of us… Time is on our side.’
I started at the beginning, how we had met in NYC and the mutual attraction we had for each other. I didn’t tell him why I left Nathan the first time, but I did tell him how we had got back together and my fears about Candy.
‘I watched you playing with his phone earlier, why don’t you take a look at his messages to her? I guarantee it isn’t what you think, I know him better than he thinks. I know what makes him tick better than he does. Candy does nothing for him at all, sure he feels sorry for her, I think, and maybe protective like a big brother. She has no hold over him… unlike you. On that subject, you two seriously need to sort out all the shit between you. He’s been racing these last few months like he’s had nothing to lose, he was so close to the edge at times I’ve felt more like a psychiatrist than his race team manager. When we get back the team has expanded, we have a different rider with us and with him, his whole entourage. I need Morish on his best game… Do you think you can help me with that or not?’ He glanced at me again with a questioning look.
‘I intend to apologise to him… I hope we can sort it all out.’
‘Well he doesn’t know this yet, but if I don’t think his head is in the right place… I will be pulling him from the race, that’s my call and my call only. We have some new sponsors, well some old sponsors to us, that have for some reason or another come back. I have to know he’s race ready, I won’t risk his safety and they’re breathing down my neck… the pressure is on all round.’ I could hear his tongue clicking in his mouth as he finished speaking and was perceptibly running his thoughts back through his mind. ‘You checking that phone?’
‘No. I think that would be really low… I trust him, I think.’
‘Yep, Bella… I think we’re gonna get along just fine,’ he added at my answer.
‘Can I ask you something?’ I looked at him feeling a little nervous, knowing how intrusive the question was.
‘Sure, I can’t guarantee I’ll answer you, but fire away.’
‘Why did you bring your son with you to come and pick me up? Couldn’t you have left him at home safe with his mum?’ The silence was back as I watched Brock take in my question, but he offered me no answer in reply. ‘Sorry have I overstepped the mark? It’s my investigative journalist blood… sometimes I just don’t know when to switch off the bloody switch.’ I placed my hands back down on my lap. My fingers were frantically trying to clean off non-existent smudges from Nate’s phone screen in my embarrassment.
‘It’s OK.’ He swung his head around to check Max was still asleep. ‘Max doesn’t know his mom, he’s looked after when I’m working by Tilly. She is one of our doctors and she has a little girl of her own. It seems to work for all of us.’
I was shocked, most men don’t have sole custody of their children.
‘How old are you, Brock?’
‘Thirty-two and a single parent… but I love him and he seems to thrive on it, so I consider myself a lucky bastard. We’ve all got a past you know, Bella… and I KNOW all about pasts catching up with you.’ He stopped speaking then, his eyes concentrating with a fierce intensity on the road ahead. I could see he no longer wanted to talk. I placed my bag down in the foot well in front of me and pulled my knees up, curling into a ball. I allowed my tiredness to sweep over me and take me off to a different place. Days of being on the bike and nights of restless sleep, between nightmares and my thoughts of Nathan, had worn me out.
We drove for hours. I alternated my seating position between sitting with Brock and being with Max. He needed a huge amount of occupying on such a long journey. In my guilt for dragging him to me, I was only too happy to oblige. We read, coloured and played I-spy.
That night we stayed in the most beautiful place I had ever seen. The Tonto Forest in Arizona. The scenery was absolutely stunning. Brock had booked ahead to stay overnight in a cabin, much to my relief it had two bedrooms. Brock, I had found out, was friendly and really likeable and I was pleased Nate had him as a best friend. He was the sort of guy, if my best friend
hadn’t already been married, I would have set her up with.
Maybe when Jassy got divorced I could set her up with him? I still couldn’t believe she was married.
Max was growing on me by the minute. He was a smart kid with a cheeky disposition, who loved his dad with everything he had. He was of course motorbike mad and tried to name every single bike we saw on our journey. To me they all looked the same and sounded the same, except of course for the Harleys. The throaty roar caught me every time and with everyone I heard, my heart jumped and pounded with excitement and I had to check it wasn’t Nate on the bike. Disappointment hit me with every realisation that it wasn’t him, even though I knew deep down they weren’t going to be. I missed him with every single part of me.
It was nice to get a shower and crawl into my own space and own thoughts, in my small room. We had heard nothing all day from anyone and my fears were once again starting to take a hold of me.
NATHAN
Town after town went past. The roads were all beginning to feel the fucking same. Thank fuck for the different textures under the wheels, it would have been so easy to fall asleep after the lack of sleep I had last night.
Ah last night, I could still see the sheen of sweat on her skin after we had made love, and the smell of vanilla and her sweet pussy was fucking haunting me.
The hot summer afternoon had started to give way to early evening. I had been riding for about ten hours, only stopping when I needed to take a leak. I grabbed caffeine and anything I could sit and eat on my bike. Normally I needed more food, but the rush of adrenalin was all that I fucking needed to keep me going today. Every time I stopped, I turned on Bella’s phone to contact Alex and to make sure it sent out a signal to the fucking bastards that were after her. Afterwards he would phone back on the secure line to update me on anything they had found out since I had last spoken to him and so it went on.
Inevitable Page 20