by Lux, Vivian
"You think this will make it up to me?" he snarled, stalling for time.
"Are you gonna do it?" Randall's voice was tight, his eyes squeezed shut.
"Fuck you!" J roared across the space between them. But when his fist sank into that soft gut, he recoiled, pulling back at the last second.
He had barely touched him, but still Randall grimaced. His breath left him with a high whooshing sound, and he sank to one knee.
J. tasted hot bile in the back of his throat and wondered if he was going to be sick.
"I tried," Randall gasped from the baking pavement. "I've been trying. To make it up."
"The fuck are you talking about."
J. felt impatient and very annoyed. This was the least satisfying punch he had ever thrown, as useless as punching his pillow. All the joy had gone out of his anger as soon as he had struck Randall. What was left was just numb sadness.
Randall struggled to his feet, still gasping. The sweat was running rivers down his face and he squinted as the droplets licked his eyes.
"That's why I'm here, Jerry." J. flinched at the name, but let him continue. "To make it up. When you got sent to prison, they were lost. Your mama doesn't know how to do...," he paused and his mouth twisted into a sick little smile, "well much of anything by way of repairs. Didn't even know how to put in the air conditioner that first summer." He pointed to the second story bedroom. "She nearly killed somebody walking by on the sidewalk when it fell outta her window."
A small smile tried to twist J.'s lips. He wouldn't let it.
"It was the least I could do." Randall continued, finding his breath finally. "I started coming by. Your mama, man, she kept me runnin'."
The smile tried again. This time J. had to duck his head.
"I tried, Jerry. To take care of them. For you. Because I knew that the whole reason you weren't there to do it yourself was cause of me." Randall lifted his chin. "I've regretted it every day."
The ground seemed unsteady under J.'s feet. He wavered, wanting to scoff. "But, Janelle? My own fucking sister?"
Randall grinned and looked down at the pavement. "I kept coming by and coming by and then, fuck, I just fell in love with her. Some days I wish I hadn't, man. That girl has got a mouth on her."
This time the smile won, but only for a second.
"How can we be square, J.?" Randall extended his hand. "How can I ever make it up to you? Can we ever get to a point where you stop breaking their hearts?"
"I don't know." It hurt to see Randall looking at him that way. Things had shifted. It felt like he was the bad guy now. J. backed away, moving towards his bike, the only place where anything made sense anymore.
"Tell me and I'll do it," Randall's voice was vehement. "You understand? You tell me what you need for me to do to make it up and I'll fucking do it. No questions asked."
J.waited for it to come to him. The two men stared at each other on the baking sidewalk as J. wracked his brain for the answer. The prickles of sweat that started at his hairline became rivers that streamed down his face. "There isn't a single thing that you can give that would be worth what you've already taken from me," he said without anger. He felt a strange calm settle over him. "There's nothing you can do," he repeated and this time the words sounded sad.
Chapter Twenty Three
Emmy
The breeze from the open window lifted the frilly white curtains I had chosen as an eighth birthday present.
It was cooler out here in the country. The oppressive heat of Philadelphia was a living thing in the summer time. Here I could dare to open my windows at night without fear of sweltering to death. The sticky, damp heat didn't settle into the room here like it did in the clubhouse.
Shit. I rolled over into my pillow and cursed my traitorous mind for reminding me of waking up in the clubhouse. I cursed it for letting me remember lying in J.'s arms so clearly that I might very well be wrapped in them now. When he held me so close I felt my heart would overflow. The love would wash over me in such a crashing wave that I could drown in it, never coming up for air again.
Fuck him for making me feel that way.
The sudden anger took me by surprise. I hated him for making me love him as much as I did. Because he clearly loved quite a few things more than he loved me. His anger. His regrets. His resentments. They all were much more important for him to hold on to than holding on to me.
For the first time since I'd left the clubhouse, the tears for what I had abandoned started to flow. I cried because as much as I hated how J. had treated me, I still loved him with all of my heart.
I wanted to be angry at him. But I couldn't. My love for him forced me to understand and forgive.
The tears flowed hot and heavy as I wept in frustration over the injustice of it all.
The breeze puffed into the room, rustling the leaves outside of my window and the familiar sound quieted my tears. I rolled over to watch my curtains again. I watched them flick and flit, rising and falling, and for one brief moment, things weren't complicated. I could be eight again, here in my tiny room. I could hide here forever, refusing to walk out the door and re-enter the turmoil of my life. I could lie here in bed as the morning sun tilted through the window to shine a square of light on the carpet. I could just stay here, watching it move and change shape as the day wore on. Listening to my mother's happy humming outside my bedroom door.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and sat up instead. Something inside of me was taking shape. My tears had washed away the dirt and grime from something inside of me that was now shining clearly. I just needed to figure out what it was.
My mother's humming moved past my door and I heard her tread on the staircase. The sound brought me back to myself and where I was. It had cheered me as a little girl, but now it set me on edge. After last night's fight, any normal person would be sullen and sulking. The humming unnerved me enough to propel me from bed and into the day.
Andy was awake too, standing shirtless in the hallway and rubbing his hands through his wild hair. His eyes were barely open, but the set of his jaw was already tense.
"They were up talking a long time last night," he muttered to me by way of greeting. He nodded his tousled head in the direction of the humming. "That's odd." He grimaced and poked the carpet with his toes. "Makes me nervous that she's planning something."
The musical lilt moved about downstairs. I could picture my mother sashaying happily from room to room, going about her chores like some fairy tale character summoning the woodland creatures to do her bidding.
"She sounds happy," I observed dumbly.
"She's only happy when she gets her way."
"But what's her way?"
"That's what I'm worried about." Andy shuffled past me towards the bathroom.
My mother's voice sounded in the hallway below. "Are you kids up?" Her tone was light and loving. My tired heart leaped at the sound, ignoring the warning from my brain. I rushed to the top of the stairs.
"There's my princess," she cooed.
Be careful my head warned. But my heart gushed instead. "Hi mommy!"
"I'm making breakfast. Pancakes from scratch. In celebration of your homecoming."
My head whirled. I tried to make what I heard last night make sense with the cooing, humming apparition in front of me and failed.
"Great!" I hopped, just like a child. I don't know why.
She smiled widely. "I've missed you, princess."
I felt a twist in my chest. Like my hardened heart had wrenched itself open. I was being dumb and incautious, I knew this. But the starved part of me that still yearned for her unconditional love and approval burst out of its hiding place and jumped up and down eagerly.
"I've missed you too, mommy." There were tears at the edge of my voice.
"Come on down when you're ready, I'll keep them warm."
"I'm ready now." I thundered down the stairs two at a time to make her laugh. She obliged prettily, tossing her head back. Her carefully lined lips curved w
inningly over her still white teeth. With the sparkle dancing in her pale blue eyes, she ran her long fingers through her carefully arranged bob and tucked in a few errant strands. It dawned on me that my mother was a beautiful woman when she smiled.
I smiled too and sat down eagerly at the table.
"I thought maybe we could get lunch later. Someplace nice." She stood over me, petting my head and stroking her fingers through my hair until I practically purred under her touch. "Just a mother daughter thing."
"Of course," I thought for a moment. "But I don't really have anything nice to wear."
"You may borrow something of mine if you'd like."
I felt a twist of shame in my belly. "Mom, we're not the same size."
"Oh," she paused. "I thought you were looking smaller these days."
The memory of her words last night put me immediately on guard. She didn't think I was smaller at all.
"Nope," I gritted through a plastered on smile. "Haven't managed to lose a pound."
"Hmmm," she sniffed, then looked thoughtful for a moment. I thought she was going to suggest a new diet to try. She was always researching new weight loss fads and flinging information I didn't want at my feet. Then getting offended when I didn't try it. Or failing if I did. "Then we can just go to the cafe," she finally relented. "Dress in the best thing you brought, I guess."
"Okay." The magic was gone from the moment. I pulled away from her petting and looked at my plate. "I'm not that hungry," I lied. I didn't want to be alone with her any more. Andy was right. She was plotting something. She had given in too easily on the clothes issue. She normally would have forced us to go shopping.
"Oh, I know you are hungry for my pancakes," she laughed, the musical note re-entering her voice. "Of course you are."
And as hard as I tried to prove her wrong, she was right. I scarfed them down, half out of hunger, and half out of a wild desire to fill the empty hole of dread that opened in the pit of my stomach.
Chapter Twenty Four
J.
"We ride out in five," Teach called to the rest of the Sons. He had just hung up the phone.
"Here we go!" Crash rubbed his hands together and bounced lightly on his toes.
"Where are we going?" Doctor D. had spent the night before the negotiations drinking without pause. His bushy beard still smelled of bourbon, in spite of the shower and black coffee.
"Pine Barrens," Case announced, striding across the floor with a map. "I went out yesterday. Old shopping mall outside of Tuckahoe."
J. looked at his best friend, aware that those were the first words he had heard him speak since the club meeting two days ago. He stepped forward, but Case turned sharply away and mounted his bike without meeting J.'s eyes.
His limbs felt like they weighed a million pounds each. Dragging himself to his bike was something he accomplished through habit only. He felt nothing but a sick numbness inside, an Emmy-shaped hole in his heart. J. wrapped his fingers around the handlebars and forced himself to grip them tightly, trying to summon some of the energizing rage that had propelled him through yesterday's heartbreak. Looking at Teach's face helped galvanize him slightly. He looked forward to making someone pay for doing that to his mentor's face.
The Sons of Steel left the clubhouse in a single file formation, leaving it empty for the first time in the history of the club. Only Bonnie the guard dog stayed behind the chain link fence, her whines drowned out by the roar of the bikes.
The ride out to the peace meeting would have been enjoyable if J. was still capable of feelings. But now the scenery blew past him in an unremarkable blur. He got no pleasure from the feeling of speed, the wind in his face or the sun on his shoulders. Without Emmy's arms around his waist, he wondered what the point of riding even was.
It was duty. Nothing more. No one had spoken further about the proposal, but the air had changed. Only Teach still seemed eager to see it through. It was out of respect for their leader and mentor that the rest of the Sons were following him through the pines.
J. wondered why Teach was pushing the idea so hard. The urgency didn't suit his stoic philosophy. Teach had always been one to wait and bide his time. He had never rushed into anything in the whole time J. had known him.
J. was at the back of the pack. Too far back to see Teach as he rode, his dreads braided together in a fat rope down his back to keep them out of his eyes. His push for them to join the Storm Riders almost seemed like pleading, and that made J. very uneasy. One more worry to add to the litany of anxieties J. was rolling around in his mind.
The wait in that abandoned parking lot seemed interminable. It gave J. too much time to think. The numbness thawed the more he thought. And the more he thought, the angrier he became.
Six riders pulled up and cut their engines. The silence was louder than the noise that had come before. Heat radiated off the pavement as both parties squared off.
Desmond swung his long legs over his bike and crossed his arms. The huge president of the Storm Riders looked impassively at the assembled Sons.
"Jones," he growled.
"Harrington." Teach matched his bored tone, stepping slowly forward. J. winced at the difference in size between the two men. Harrington was a mountain of flesh, easily six foot five and nearly as broad. But there was nothing soft about his size, or the steely glint in his fiercely squinting eyes. Teach barely reached his shoulder. Though he had always been a slight man, his calm authority had always made him seem larger in J.'s eyes. But he had to crane his neck slightly upward just to look Desmond in the eye.
J. stepped forward without meaning to. It took everything he had not to leap between the two Presidents. The hot sun beat down on his neck but the blood in his veins ran ice cold.
"You watching'?" Des barked over Teach's head to the rest of the Sons.
"Yah, we see you," Doctor D. drawled lazily. Mac grunted.
"Wayne!" Des called. J. balled his fists when the big man took off his helmet and stepped sullenly forward.
Just then a ham-hock sized fist crashed into Wayne gut. He doubled over with a muffled "oof," but managed to stay standing. A Storm Rider J. had never seen helped Wayne right himself before sending another fist cracking across his face. A spray of blood shot from his mouth. He swore and spat out a tooth, then nodded. The third punch sent him staggering backward, clutching his eye. He didn't moan or protest; only swore low and long.
The Storm Rider who had attacked him stood straight and rubbed his hand over his knuckles. Then he cracked them, nodded at Des and turned to face the Sons.
J. saw the patch on his cut. Sergeant At Arms. The brother on charge of security.
And discipline.
"Your turn," Des snarled at Teach.
Teach still met his eyes, but a flicker of pain flashed across his face. A hollow realization suddenly dawned on J., even before Teach opened his mouth.
"J."
J. felt his mouth fall open. He hesitated for a moment, and Desmond sneered. "Thought you said he'd be a man about it, Jones."
Teach ignored the jibe. Instead he turned to where Case stood, rooted to the spot. "Do it now, Case. Those are the terms."
Case's eyes glittered and he blinked fiercely. He stepped forward, right up to where J. still blinked uncomprehendingly. "It ain't personal, it's just business," he whispered, low and ragged.
"You're my best friend, asshole," J. reminded him, dumbfounded.
A hard gleam shone in Case's eyes, the likes of which J. had never seen. "The greater good," he hissed. "Remember what I told you?"
With a sudden flood of understanding that made him woozy, J. remembered. Case had tried to warn him of what the terms had to be. He was being sold out to keep the peace. He was being "disciplined" in full view of the man who had insulted him. Those were the terms. And why? Because Teach wanted to form an alliance bigger than them. He looked at his mentor, the man who had pulled him out of the suicidal spiral in prison and formed him into the man he was today. And the only feeling
he could summon was mute hatred.
"I told you," Case repeated, his voice high and tight. "You're my friend. But this club is my fucking family." And he buried his fist in J.'s stomach before J. could utter another word of protest.
The two of them had wrestled and sparred their entire friendship, so the sheer strength wasn't a surprise. What was surprising was the anger behind it. Case wasn't holding back. J. doubled over coughing when the first blow hit him, so he didn't see the second hit until it snapped his neck violently to the left. He threw up his hands on instinct, leaving his side wide open to catch the third blow directly in his ribs. He fell to the side, and it was only Crash's quick catch that prevented him from landing on the burning pavement.
"Stand up and shake it off, man," Crash hissed. "They're watching."
J. steadied himself and hauled himself back to his feet. A quick assessment of his injuries let him know he had had worse.
It was the hurt to his heart that pained him the most.
Des was watching him with interest. "Thought you might just be another bunch of posers just playing with bikes. Now I see you're real men. And real men deal with problems head on. Truce." He extended his meaty forearm to Teach who clasped it in his hand.
"Truce," Teach replied keeping his eyes on Des, never once looking back to where J. stood gasping and reeling.
Chapter Twenty Five
Emmy
The pancakes sat in my stomach like a lead ball. I had pleaded myself away from further conversation with my mom by saying I wanted time to get ready for our lunch. She always understood what she called "making an effort in your appearance."
My father had finally woken from whatever stupor he had slept through. I shut the door to my room when I heard his footfall hit the creaky floorboard outside of their room. I wasn't ready to deal with him yet.
The vanity mirror was below my line of sight. I had to stoop to get a good look at myself, and when I did, my own bewildered eyes stared back at me. What are you doing here? they asked.