Ellie: I loved talking to you too. I wanted you to know, I’m really glad I met you. You’ve helped me feel like I can open up and live happily again…someday.
I’d regret my spark of candidness later, but in the moment I had never been prouder of myself. After all the setbacks and personal obstacles I had set for myself, I felt brave and forward. I just didn’t expect him to respond immediately.
Rhys: I love being there for you, almost as much as hearing this. What’s with the sudden confession?
Me: I’ve had a little to drink. Lol.
Rhys: Oh, so you’d probably tell me all your secrets, yeah?
Me: Not that drunk.
But in truth, maybe I was.
Rhys: Well, I tried.
Me: What would you want to know?
Rhys: Nothing, anything I want to know I’ll just ask you when you’re sober.
Me: Not as much fun.
Rhys: No, but I respect you. I’m also calling you. I prefer your voice over texts.
His voice was welcome, and he said he loved hearing my drunk giggle. He even mentioned that I was relaxed and that it was so noticeable in my tone it was breathtakingly beautiful. Being home had been wonderful, but I found myself counting the minutes to when I could return to London. It was odd being homesick for a place I’d only lived for a year, but it had become home and it seemed my heart had made its niche there too. I told him about my dream, not specifically, but that I’d had a nightmare and was exhausted.
Rhys didn’t pry, and instead told me that he used to have nightmares as a kid. He explained that it always helped him to think of the happiest things before bed. Obsessing over the puppy he wanted often worked. I could picture Rhys as a boy and he told me about his childhood. When we hung up, I fell asleep thinking about all our moments together, but especially hearing him describe me as beautiful.
∞
As I got ready for dinner with James the next day, my mind was filled with Anne and Rhys’ concerns. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year, but just like Anne, we both fell back into old routine easily. He suggested an old pizza place we frequented during high school and though it was one of Aaron’s favorites, I avoided it after he died. I only agreed with James so he wouldn’t give me a hard time about moving forward.
When I woke up that morning, I half expected to have texts from Rhys, but I was disappointed by his lack of contact and my expectations for it. He was busy with the play, and that was likely the reason for his silence, and so I made a rule to stop obsessing over him during my time at home. I clearly had a disregard for rules though; having broken the main one I had set when I moved to London. Can’t say I didn’t try.
James picked me up around 6:00 p.m. and came inside to see my parents. They asked him about work, and I could overhear upstairs when he mentioned that he’d finally passed the LSAT a few months back and acquired a position at a firm. As I began walking down the stairs James’ eyes locked with mine. He politely finished his sentence and then walked up to me and gave me a sincerely affectionate hug. His hands were comfortably low on my back, and he held me a moment too long, but I assumed it was because it had been a while. But then he caressed my back and it reminded me of how often Rhys did, except I didn’t like it. I pulled away subtly as my parents watched.
He looked down at me, eyes filled with emotion. “Hey stranger.”
“Hi, James.”
“Ready to go?” He nudged towards the door and I nodded.
As we walked towards his brand new Lexus, I noticed he was dressed professionally having come straight from work. His pants were black and fitted, and he still had his blue dress shirt tucked in perfectly.
He looked amazing, and very different from the James I knew in high school. It wasn’t uncommon for James to show up to school in pants with holes and frayed bottoms, but the years had clearly changed him. After opening the door for me, he joined me inside. “You look really good. It’s nice seeing you.”
I looked over at him. “You too. I’m glad we had time to catch up.”
“I’ll always make time for you, I hope you know that.” Something vulnerable crossed his gaze and his eyes lowered down my face, to my lips and neck before returning to my face. I smiled and looked ahead, hoping he would start the car and take us to dinner. His words were sweet, but something in his tone made me uncomfortable.
Walking into the old shop brought back too many memories, the smell of the dough being uniquely strong. They were famous for adding a ton of garlic to their dough, and it was one of Aaron’s favorite things about the place. I used to give him a hard time whenever he tried making out with me and he would insist it was okay because my breath stunk just as badly. We habitually came on Fridays after school, James in tow. Sometimes Anne would join too, and being there again was bittersweet. James must have felt the same way because he grabbed both my shoulders and squeezed them. “It’s exactly the same, right?”
“Mostly, there’s one big difference,” I shrugged. He pouted his lower lip and agreed, leading me to the table where we ordered half-cheese and half-Hawaiian.
“You still eat it?” I asked, not really remembering that he liked it so much.
“Yeah, it’s his favorite. After he passed I ate it therapeutically I guess, and now I love it. Weird, huh?”
“Actually, I love that,” I laughed.
“So, what’s new with you?” He leaned forward eagerly.
“Not much,” I lied, keeping Rhys to myself. “I’m off work for another week before fall courses start. It’s good to see everyone and be home though.”
“I’m sure. How come you decided to now? Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic you’re here, I’ve missed you a lot.”
I stared at him for a few beats as his emerald eyes lingered on mine. There was something in them I hadn’t noticed before, something intense, and I started worrying that Rhys and Anne had gotten into my head. I studied his face, noting that James had become even more handsome than he was in high school.
Technically, James was better looking than Aaron in that he was in ridiculous shape from playing football. He had a chiseled face, and light eyes. He was the pretty bad boy at our high school. But what Aaron lacked in looks, though still gorgeous, he made up in his personality in spades. Aaron was magnetic, and everyone couldn’t help being drawn to him. He made them laugh, paid attention to them when they spoke; he captured people’s hearts. That’s not to say that James didn’t have a good personality, but Aaron was just natural to be around. Kind of like Rhys was to me.
“It was the right time,” I answered. “I missed my parents.”
“Do you plan on moving back anytime soon?” he asked, leaning forward and narrowing his eyes on me.
His question caught me by surprise. I looked down at my hands before responding. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Why not?” His voice took on an aggressive tone.
“I’ve made a home for myself there. I enjoy living there, the city, the people; I love my job.”
“Yeah, but you could teach here,” he shrugged ignorantly.
“Not the way I can there.” I didn’t resist demonstrating my annoyance. “I mean…Shakespeare isn’t from New Jersey. I wouldn’t have the same opportunities.”
“I guess,” he said. His voice was filled with sarcasm and I hated him for a second. I saw signs of the James Aaron had often complained about. The smart-ass side I rarely saw. “You know, Ellie, there are people here who miss you and want you around, your parents, friends, me. I miss you when you aren’t around.”
His hand was suddenly placed on mine against the table and it didn’t feel right. It was forceful, aberrant, and I looked up at him to see his eyes piercing at me. I pulled my hand away gently as I kept eye contact, smiling lopsidedly to ease the tension.
“James, my parents support my decision and understand it. As my friend, I wish you’d support me too. I’m starting to become my old self again.”
“I’ve never seen you better, and that’s why
I’m being so blunt. Seeing you…it’s made me realize how much I hate that you’re alone over there.”
“I know you care for me,” I said, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the intimate tone he had taken on. “But that doesn’t mean I have to move home. I see you when I’m here because that’s important to me, and that’s why I keep in touch while I’m away.”
“You don’t get it,” he said, his voice hoarse and clipped. Our server placed our pizza and rolls on the table and when he’d barely walked away, James continued. “You mean more to me than you realize.”
A heavy silence took over the room and I sucked in a quiet breath, afraid of where this was going. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”
“I care for you as more than my friend. I know you know this,” he said accusingly. “Aaron always knew, but it never came between us because he knew I wouldn’t act on it. And I didn’t, but now things are…”
“No,” I said, holding my hand up in the air. “Are you serious? Don’t do this and complicate everything.”
“Why not? It’s how I feel.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re my friend, a really good one at that. You helped me through the worst time and because of that you mean the world to me, but that’s not what this is.”
“And it won’t ever be, will it?” His green eyes became glassy, and I felt for him, but I could never see him like that. The most annoying part was that Anne had been right. She’d called it, as usual.
“No, James, I don’t think so.”
His nostrils flared as he looked down at his plate. “Is it because of Aaron?”
“Yes and no. It’s because I don’t see us in that way. I care for you, you’re part of a select few in the world I’d give anything for—”
“Except yourself,” he broke in and stared harshly at me.
I pursed my lips at his adolescent attitude and answered him rather coldly. “I guess not. I’m sorry that’s not enough.”
“Me too.”
A moment of silence passed between us so slowly we could both hear the seconds ticking by, so I asked, “Does that mean we aren’t friends anymore?”
“No, Ellie,” he said, shaking his head morosely. “It just means I love you a little more than you love me.”
My heart hurt for him as I wished I could make him happy in that instant, but I couldn’t. My heart already belonged to two men, one awaiting my return, and I was hoping he would return his heart to me.
As I looked at James, I knew that things would no longer be the same, and I questioned his motivation to stay friends with me after Aaron died. There were times when we cried together, sitting around and watching TV cuddled on the sofa, hoping to forget the sad reality of losing Aaron if even for an hour. I wondered if they were all shaded in his intentions. I didn’t bring it up, deciding that it was better to avoid making the situation any more uncomfortable.
We finished our pizza in awkward silence, and he tried asking about work, but after belittling my job, I didn’t really want to talk about it. I especially didn’t mention how Rhys had not only become my friend, but had stolen my attention from other men. He would lose it to know I wanted a celebrity of all people, especially because here he was offering me years of friendship and love in his heart.
James paid for dinner, and despite our coldness he still treated me with respect and held open all the doors, including his car. He even walked me to my front door. We stood there clumsily before I entered and I wasn’t sure what to say. How do you mend someone’s broken pride when you’re the cause of its destruction? There were no words I could offer his heart, nothing I could do to make him feel better. As badly as I felt, I was also angry at him for insinuating that he knew what was best for me. He stared at his shoes as we stood emotionally and physically distant from one another. And when he looked up at me, forcing a small sad smile, I knew he was internalizing it all.
“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I thought it was worth telling you at least once…that you matter to me.”
“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, but I hope that when time passes, you’ll still be my friend.” I didn’t expect it any time soon, already noticing the expanse between us growing. Though he didn’t respond, he grabbed my arm and squeezed it affectionately, getting in one last touch for a while.
“I’ll see you next time,” he said, letting go of my arm and walking away silently.
∞
The moment I walked inside my mother said, “You’re back early.”
“He has work in the morning,” I offered, going upstairs to avoid her inquisition. My mom had also suggested the idea that James harbored feelings for me years ago, but I brushed her off and after the uncomfortable dinner I’d had, I wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about hearing I told you so.
But it was early, only 7:30 p.m. and I found myself bored in my house, missing Rhys, and wishing I was in my flat. As I was changing I heard my phone chime on the bed and the speed to which I jumped for it proved I had no shame.
Rhys: Hope you’re well. Just wanted to see how dinner went.
Was he asking because he cared, because he was jealous, or both? Maybe it was just curiosity, but I allowed myself to enjoy my wishes.
Me: It was awful. You and Anne were right.
Tiny text bubbles appeared, indicating that he was typing something, but they would start and stop, lasting for almost five minutes. As my exasperation grew, Rhys’ face appeared on my phone instead.
“Hey.”
“What happened?”
“Why are you up so late, aren’t you exhausted?” I asked, avoiding the topic.
“I’m beat, but I can’t sleep.”
My heart swelled and the smile on my mouth was so ostentatious I had to bite my lower lip to keep a squeal from escaping my throat. Rhys had never mentioned sleep issues. In fact he told me before that besides his childhood nightmares, he always slept easily. He was worried about James and what I’d be dealing with.
I sighed, using it to cover the deep breath I was taking. “He basically criticized my move, belittled my job, and then confessed that he’s liked me all these years, but never acted on it because of Aaron. He seemed to think since it’s been two years, I would take him with open arms.”
“And I take it you didn’t?”
“Of course not. I don’t feel that way about him, we’re not right for each other. I feel guilty though, unrequited affections are the worst.”
“Yeah, but that’s not the right reason to be with someone.” He paused, the silence echoing between us. “Are you okay?”
“I’m not sure. I think I lost a friend. I don’t expect to hear from him for a while.”
“I’m sorry,” he offered with a sigh that suspiciously gave off relief.
Thanking him, we shared silence again, and it was so still I could hear his breathing through the phone. The rhythm was relaxing, and I turned off my muted TV and bedside lamp to give it complete focus. Sitting in the dark with his sounds directly in my ear made it dangerously intimate, like he was mine in that quiet moment. It seemed he was savoring it just as much and I regretted breaking the silence when I nervously asked about his day. He told me about interviews and how exhausting rehearsals had been throughout the week, to which I told him he needed to take care of himself.
“Are you worried for me?” he asked, his adorable accent music to my ears. I could hear his smile through the phone.
“Mmm…nah,” I giggled. “Practicing with you was an investment, and if you get sick and cancel shows then it’s wasted effort.”
“Ouch,” he laughed, and with my eyes closed I could picture him beside me. “It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone that you’re absolutely worried for me.”
“Whatever makes you feel good, Rhys.”
“Actually, it does.” He let his words settle before asking, “You’re seeing his parents tomorrow, yes?”
“Yup, for lunch.”
“Good luck. I wanted to tell you that I’ll
be on E! in the states tomorrow around 7:00 p.m. I’d really like you to watch it.”
“Are you worried I’ve forgotten what you look like?”
“No, don’t be clever. I just want you to see it, I mentioned the show.”
“Okay, I will.”
“You also need to send me your flight information so I can pick you up.”
“Will do,” I yawned.
“I think we should both go to bed,” he suggested.
“Probably,” I lingered, really wanting to fall asleep to his voice.
“We’ll talk tomorrow, after you see the interview. I want to hear your thoughts on it. But you can text me after lunch if you need me. I’ll answer when I can.”
“Thanks, Rhys.”
“Night, Ellie.”
∞
After running 4 miles, I showered and headed to Max and Julie’s house. It had been about two years since I’d visited there, having avoided Aaron’s childhood home like a plague since he died. There were too many memories, having made-out there so many times, swimming in their pool every summer since tenth grade; it was a place that held the history of our love that I didn’t want to revisit. The memories still played in my mind, but there I was in control of them. I directed the way they took me back and for how long, finding distraction in some way. But to actually see the sets of those scenes before me, it was why I always opted to go out when I saw them.
The last time I’d been there was just after the funeral. I hesitated when Julie offered to make lunch, but suspected she was trying to get me to move forward in some way. Avoiding their house forever wasn’t exactly realistic, and Aaron would be happy if I went there. So for Aaron, I knocked on their freshly painted black door and held my breath.
His father opened it, grinned at me and placed his hands on his belly. Max had always reminded me of a younger version of Santa Claus. He wasn’t that heavy, but he had a rounded stomach, and this smile that just made it feel like Christmas all year round. It was the same smile Aaron gave me when he looked at me.
For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) Page 11