He was packing as I got ready for my new semester, and the size of his suitcases left me downhearted. They were larger, deeper, implying that this wasn’t a short trip, but for seven weeks. I tried focusing on editing my syllabus, a useless task because every time he exited his closet, our eyes would meet and fill with a gloom we were both failing to hide.
I was lying across the couch as I watched him, both appreciating and hating that my courses began the day he would be leaving. It would keep me distracted and hopefully time would pass quickly, though I would want to see him at the end of the day and wouldn’t. With an eight-hour difference, I would be ending my day and Rhys would be just starting. I had considered how much I missed him when I went home, when we were only friends, and how difficult it would be now that he had etched himself beneath my skin. Rhys looked up at me and tilted the right corner of his mouth into the most pathetic smile.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I said.
“Sorry, packing makes it undeniably realistic.”
He stopped folding clothes into the bag and walked over to me, lifting my curled up feet to sit with them on his lap. “Did you pick a date yet? I think that would make me feel better.”
“I did,” I paused. “Valentine’s…”
“Oh that’s perfect. You know I’ve never had a valentine.”
“Shut up,” I said sarcastically, somehow doubting that gorgeous man had lacked admirers.
“No really,” he laughed. “I had some foolish ones in school, but none as an adult.”
“I’m glad we’ll be together, but it’s just a day.”
“Regardless, I’ll always spoil you for it.”
That word always was so weighted and never promised. This was the part of loss that no one understood: words like forever or always became loaded with grief and falseness. The words lost their meaning after my type of struggle. My heart believed Rhys wanted always and that he would give me forever if he was in control, but we weren’t; Aaron wasn’t. I wanted it, badly, but my weak hope struggled to see if it was actually in the cards for us.
On our last full day together I woke up alone, sitting up in bed in a panic until I heard the music coming from downstairs. It was all he had played, and despite that he hadn’t known the songs, he had them memorized in a day. I washed up and proceed to join him in the kitchen to find him dancing like a fool. I hid on the stairs and spied on his happiness exuding from him. His moves were awful, but I was glad to see his lively smile after the rare sightings in the days before.
Rhys slid across the kitchen, almost falling and I couldn’t contain my laughter. He turned around and shouted, “Come down here right now, lady!”
I started giggling uncontrollably as I continued downstairs and approached him cautiously. His eyes were devilish with a look that made my insides skittish and my heartbeat race.
“You know, it’s not nice spying on people,” he said, switching off the stove and turning back to lift me over his shoulder. He tickled me to death, dropped me on the couch and laid over me, his body touching every inch of mine. Rhys kissed me, hard and commanding, giving the sense that he wanted more. “I was going to bring you breakfast in bed, love. You ruined my surprise.”
“Sorry. I woke up alone and…”
“You freaked out didn’t you?” I nodded and looked away. “Well,” he said, wondering if he should state the obvious.
“I know, it’s something I’ll just have to get used to…it’ll be fine.”
I kept repeating it, but I don’t think I convinced either of us. He kissed me again, his mouth hot against mine before he pressed it to my cheek, my ears, neck and my chest. He marked his lips all over my body and as he did this I started pulling his shirt off while he continued kissing my breasts. There was desperation in our desires, and though we’d been naked nonstop over the last few days, it was never enough. I think we liked the feel of our skin being in constant contact and the warmth of our sheen sweat. Perhaps subconsciously we were trying to prepare for the cold side of the bed we’d have in a few days.
Rhys and I undressed one another quickly, but made love slowly and thoughtfully on the sofa. We hadn’t done so yet, limiting ourselves to beds and showers, but that kind of sex, the kind where you couldn’t wait another minute, was the best we’d had. It wasn’t because it felt good, or because he was gorgeous when naked above me, but because it was based on such strong devotion. I could always feel Rhys’ love for me in everything he did: the small caresses in my hair or on my back, the smiles he gave me, or even the way he listened to me about everything, including Aaron. But when he was inside me and looked into my eyes, there was no doubt in my mind that I was his everything.
We lay together for a long time after, and he begged me stay on top of his skin so he could hold me. His hand affectionately stroked my back from top to bottom, and then he grabbed my butt, squeezing it with ownership. We didn’t say much in those few minutes, but I listened to his heartbeat, his breaths, and reassured myself that things would be fine. Only after some quiet did Rhys say, “I almost want the next three weeks to pass quickly so I can see you again. Is that insane, to wish three weeks of my life gone like that?”
“No, I keep thinking the same. I didn’t expect to fall so hard for you. It bothers me because before I was so independent and functioning, not healthily, but alone…now without you it’s like starting over.”
“But I’ll call you every chance I get, and text. I’ll be home a long time after I get back.”
“But what happens when you aren’t again? We’ll have to keep doing this forever? I’ll always worry that you aren’t safe in my bed, or that you may be with someone else. I’ll be alone and you’ll be making movies with gorgeous women in exotic locations.”
“Ellie,” he jerked beneath me. “How can you think that of me?”
I knew my words were stupid, but they were in my head, fogging up my judgment, and needed to get out. I think in my depression over his leaving, I’d started coming up with all the scenarios of what could go wrong.
“It happens all the time. Women will do anything for you and I find it unsettling.”
“Have you ever stopped to consider that isn’t what I want? That I want you.”
He forced himself up beneath me and sat up with my legs wrapped around him. We were both vulnerable and naked, not just physically.
“Ellie, I’d never cheat on you.” I looked away and Rhys grabbed my chin to face me to him again. “Is that something you think I’m capable of?”
“No,” I said, mostly to convince myself. “But you could fall for someone else and break up with me, that’s not cheating, but it’s still awful.”
“Do you doubt this?” he said, placing my hand over his heart.
“No,” I shook my head and grew emotional. “I think your leaving is just messing with me.”
Rhys pulled me in and rubbed my head as he kissed my forehead. “Please don’t worry. All I’m thinking of is your visit… do you trust me?”
“Yes,” I said, blinking back the tears he wiped away.
“Trust me, I’m only yours.”
“I know,” I whispered. “Can we eat and forget this conversation happened? I’m just scared.”
Rhys nodded and we got dressed quietly. I regretted ruining the moment with my fears and noticed tension in the way he walked to the kitchen. He held my hand to the table, but we ate in silence, my apprehensions planting seeds in both our minds.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “My baggage caught up with me for a second.”
Rhys swallowed his bite and reached for my hand. “I understand. It’s a normal doubt in a relationship, so with your past and my career, it’s understandable.”
“You’re not mad?”
“No, I’m not mad. But I want you happy while I’m here, so no more tears.” Rhys walked to his desk and came back with a CD. “Here, I was going to give you this when I left, but I think you need it now.”
I looked it over and saw that he
had made a CD with all the songs he had given me, and a few new ones. He had even handwritten some notes by each title, revealing what he was feeling when he chose them. I read as we continued eating and he said, “I figured we should have them since the beginning.”
I smiled widely. “Can this be our thing, where we make mix CDs forever?”
“Yes,” he said. “I’d like that very much…forever.” His wink was playful, but his tone told me he really meant forever.
∞
We spent our last night together at my apartment since I had my first day of courses the next day. Rhys made me dinner while forcing me to pick out clothes for work and prepare work. I’d never been so disinterested in my career, the one I’d worked my ass off for, but it seemed fruitless without him to come home to.
Dinner passed quietly, the weight of his departure had descended over us like heavy pressure before a storm. I could hear it in the silence, in the words he’d used in avoidance, and even in the ones he didn’t say. Rhys was surprised when I asked to shower on my own, especially after spending all our others together, sometimes just cleaning up, and other times having amazing sex. But I really needed a minute; I needed to get some emotion out without his close watch that only made me feel dismal.
At first I actually showered, but slowly I began weeping and ended up sitting on the floor releasing harsh sobs. I didn’t want to be alone again. I didn’t want to need him so much, but I did and part of me loved that. Time passed under the water, my fingers pruned. Rhys came into the bathroom and knelt by my side. I’m sure he had tried waiting, that he’d attempted to give me space, but had heard me struggling to breathe and couldn’t anymore.
He undressed and came in approaching me slowly, lifting me to my feet. Feeling his hands around my waist only made it worse, but he held me as I got it out of my system. I was gracious for his silence, his arms holding me up, because I was so upset and numb I couldn’t feel my legs. Only I would fall in love with a man that had to leave me.
I don’t remember coming out of the shower, only feeling the rug under my feet as he dried me off. If Rhys was startled by me he didn’t show it because he remained silent and carried me to bed. He held me tightly as we lay there, letting my muffled sobs come out as puffs of air against his chest. I cried for myself, for losing Aaron, and now for having to be apart from the person that got me through it.
Between his scent, his tender pats on my back, and his sweet words in my ear, he eventually managed to soothe me and calm my breathing. In a way, it was cathartic getting it all out as he continued to whisper promises, even after my crying stopped and my breathing became less ragged. I savored his repeated, “We’ll be okay, love,” or “relax darling, breathe,” and even “I’ll be back before you know it,” each one calming me more than its predecessor.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice raspy from crying.
“You’re the strongest woman I know, don’t apologize for being human. Just keep in mind there are worse things. It’s three weeks, then Valentine’s, and then three more before I’m back. We can do this, okay?”
I nodded, my heart sore even as I sat in his arms. Looking up at him I saw that his eyes were glassy too. “I hate seeing you cry. I promised myself I’d limit that for you, but if anything, seeing you like this gives me hope that you’re really smitten with me,” he said.
“I am, ridiculously so.”
We ate a quick dinner and got back into bed, where Rhys made love to me one last time, slowly and carefully. He made sure to leave his mark like a tattoo, one that would keep me company in his absence, yet it wouldn’t be enough. He tried helping me fall asleep after, by reading and scratching my back, but it was futile. I turned to face him and explained, “I want to stay awake. Tomorrow I can sleep when you aren’t here, but for now I want to be with you while I can.”
“Okay, darling. Come here,” he said, pulling me closer. We talked for hours, exchanging stories from our childhood that made us laugh and helped us avoid our impending change. I told him stories of my first few months in London, and some even Anne had never heard. We must have fallen asleep though, because I awoke groggy a few hours later.
We got ready quietly, dressing as we would any other day, and then ate breakfast that he had made while I’d gotten ready for work. It was somber in the apartment, as if it, too, was mourning that Rhys’ smell and body wouldn’t inhabit it for nearly two months. Pretending it was just another day only made it worse because I knew I would be coming back alone.
Only when I came out from brushing my teeth did he say, “Look, why don’t we pretend that you’ll see me later, because you will…” he paused, seeing my doubtful expression. “Hear me out. I’m going to video chat you later, as often as possible, so it won’t be so bad.”
“I doubt that. We’ve been practically living together, Rhys.”
“I know, but we have to make the best of it. Let’s just say bye for now.”
“Fine,” I said, grabbing my purse and messenger bag. “I need you to leave me outside, not here at the door. On the street I can’t freak out. I can just walk away, and you’ll be gone.”
“Fine, but I want to kiss you here first. I don’t want people bothering us for the last one.”
He didn’t wait for me to say yes and just kissed me, like he owned me. It was a combination of all his kisses: sweet, slow, sensual, rough and longing, tender, and full of heartache. His hands were on my face, and then they trailed down my neck and back just as they had that first time after the show. The kiss both saddened me and exhilarated me, knowing it would be three weeks before another. But it was only three weeks, and a test on me to see if there was actually a future, because inevitably we’d be apart again.
After minutes of his mouth rubbing mine, Rhys looked into my eyes. “You ready?” he asked, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. I nodded and we opened the door to head out.
I hugged him on the street, kissed his neck and then pulled away only to hold his hand. “When I turn around, I don’t want you here…okay?”
“Okay,” he nodded, biting his lower lip and running his fingers through his hair.
I knew he wasn’t fond of the idea, but I started walking away and got to the other side of the street. When I turned around, he was still there and I waved my hands in the air frustratingly, annoyed that he was making it harder to keep walking.
“I love you,” he shouted from across the street. “I just wanted you to look at me one more time. I’ll call you later, okay?”
I laughed, exasperated with him. “I love you, too. Now go!”
I started to watch him leave down the street and turned to continue on my way. Just before I turned the corner, I checked once more, and despite that I was annoyed he hadn’t originally listened, I was hoping he’d still be there watching me. But he wasn’t, he’d gone for real that time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
My day was a blur. I’m certain I taught my courses and introduced myself, but I don’t really recall. All I remember is staring at the clock behind my classroom and contemplating where Rhys was. His flight was scheduled for noon, London time, which meant he would arrive in LA at midnight my time. Despite probable exhaustion, Rhys promised he would call me the first chance he could. I stared at my watch, or the corner of my computer screen, and the ticking of my office clock became torturous. It was impossible not noticing that the more time passed, the further he was slipping away. It didn’t matter that it meant less time apart, because I wanted him by my side now.
I shouldn’t have left him on the road, and when I got to that spot on my way home I doubted my choice. I wasn’t actually sad until I’d turned around to see him gone, but I knew sending him off at the airport surrounded by fans and photographers would’ve made the goodbye worse.
When I stepped into my apartment, it seemed too vacant. There were traces of him all around; pictures of us in frames, his mug I’d jokingly purchased that read I love Rhys Edwards. His clothes were hanging in my closet, like empt
y ghosts reminding me of his presence, and of course I had the tiny Shakespeare ornament hanging near my desk. I felt him everywhere, but he wasn’t there, and it eerily felt like when I had lost Aaron.
I decided to go running, promising myself the whole walk home that I wasn’t going to lay in bed and cry all night. After changing, I went to wash off my makeup and found an envelope taped to my mirror. I took it down gently, careful not to rip a last trace of him in my home and saw his handwriting peeking through. I wondered when he’d left it, if he had done it on our way out or if he came back after I left him.
Ellie,
I’m sure you’re wondering how I did this, and I can imagine you crinkling your brows in confusion. Am I right? Well, I snuck up after separating on the street. I wanted to leave you a little something for your return from work. First, I hope your initial day went well. Second, I miss you already, but you need to be positive. We can do this and it’s simply circumstance we need to push through. I love you so much, and I know I’ve told you this many times before, but I can’t imagine life without you.
As I watched you walk away, I observed how the hidden London sunlight shone over your hair and skin, how gorgeous you looked, and especially how much you hated leaving me. I know you were sad, but I also know that I’ve never felt so loved as when you looked at me from across the road. Sorry I didn’t listen, but not too sorry since I got to see your beautiful caramel eyes that secretly wanted me to still be there. Am I right, again? I can’t wait to see those eyes when you come to visit me.
I thought of something last night and am on my way to arrange it now. Spend the weekends at my place. I know it may feel odd without me, but I think it’ll help to be around my things. I’m leaving you little notes all over, so you’ll have to discover them while I’m gone. Take care of yourself and I’ll call you later tonight. In the meantime, here’s a song for you today, Where You Go - The Young Romans.
Love, Rhys.
For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) Page 30