by Love, Kristy
“You have homework on the first day?” I scrambled to get my brain to work right, but I couldn’t stop thinking or looking at Will.
“Yeah, you know Mr. Brand. He’s an asshole who thinks we have nothing better to do than piles of homework every day,” Jax grumbled.
Will smiled before following Jax out of the room.
I sighed and slumped in my chair, missing Will’s presence but glad the tension had left with him. I had no idea how to fight my feelings for Will when they kept getting more and more intense.
And I wasn’t sure I wanted to fight them.
“Your dad has been gone a lot longer this time. Are you expecting him to be back anytime soon?” Courtney asked. We were hanging out around the pool, enjoying one of the last few warm days before fall came and brought colder temperatures.
“I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him in a while.”
“Did he call when Jax started school? I mean, it is his senior year.”
“Nope. Nothing.”
“He’s a really shitty human being.”
“You have no idea.”
“Well, at least you’re a good parent.” She reached over and squeezed my arm.
“I don’t really have much of an option.”
We sat in silence for several minutes. “What’s going on with you and Jax?”
I laughed bitterly. “Is it that obvious?”
“Completely.”
“He’s upset about Will.”
“What about Will?”
“He’s afraid I have feelings for him.”
“Well, duh. That’s pretty fucking obvious.”
I looked at her, eyes wide in horror. “Is it that obvious that I have feelings for him?”
“Are you fucking kidding me, Ry? You practically drool when he walks in the room.”
“Fuck…” No wonder Jax was up my ass about it. I couldn’t believe I was this bad at hiding my feelings. Shit, if Jax and Courtney could tell, did that mean Will could tell as well? I groaned and buried my face in my hands, embarrassed.
“It could be worse.” She grinned at me.
“How could it be worse?”
“You could wear a giant sign that says, ‘I want to fuck Will Mathers.’ That would be totally awkward.”
I balled up my towel and threw it at her. She laughed as the towel hit her in the face. “It is not that obvious.”
“Ry, I love you. You’re my best friend. But it is totally fucking obvious that you have feelings for him.” She flipped on her stomach to sun her back. “What is Jax’s problem anyway?”
“He thinks I’m going to shatter Will.” I sighed, not sure if I wanted to talk about Will or my feelings for him, but I knew I needed to. I needed Courtney’s brutal honesty. “Will seems really fragile, and he obviously has a lot of shit going on, so Jax is afraid I’ll do something to cause Will to completely crumble, especially since he has been so sheltered and overprotected.”
“That’s bullshit.” She propped herself up on her elbows. “If there is anyone around who is perfect for Will, it’s you. You’re caring, compassionate, and you’d treat him right.”
“Yeah.”
“No, seriously. The tension when you guys are around each other is ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like I need to fan myself and I’m not even part of it.”
I laughed. “I like him, Court, but I can’t.”
“Sure you can, sweetie.”
“No. I. Can’t.” I looked at her. “He has such a deep sadness inside of him, like he’s haunted by something, and I’m afraid I’d push him too far if I forced something to happen between us.”
“I understand, but sometimes being loved and cared for is the only thing that’ll help.” She plopped down on her belly and closed her eyes. The conversation was over and I was glad because I couldn’t talk about Will anymore; it made my heart ache in unbearable ways.
I sat at the kitchen island, working on my homework and waiting for Jax to come home. He had taken Will shopping for new clothes and I was incredibly anxious to hear how it went.
“Lovely sister, I’m home!” Jax yelled as the door slammed shut. I heard the rustling of bags and the sound of him walking closer.
“Hey. How’d it go?” I kept my back to him, afraid to show my true feelings.
“Turn around and see for yourself,” Jax said, his voice full of pride.
I spun around and gasped. Will’s hair was cut shorter on the sides, though he’d kept the length on the top, his hair falling against his eyebrows. His dark hair against his bright blue eyes was breathtaking. He had on cargo shorts that hung down past his knees and a fitted black shirt. It was such a casual look for him, different from anything I’d ever seen him wear.
I smiled at him. “You look amazing, Will.” I wanted to be in his arms the way I had in the pool that day, and knowing I would never get to feel his arms around me again or feel his lips against mine made me want to cry.
His eyes burned into me. “Thanks,” he said, smiling back at me.
“We did a pretty kick ass job, don’t you think, Ry?” Jax’s chest was practically puffed up with his ego.
“Yeah,” I said, my voice cracking. I cleared my throat and smiled. “You guys did a really good job.”
“You have your first somewhat girl approval,” Jax said, slapping Jax on the back.
“Somewhat girl? What the fuck does that mean?” I asked.
“It means you are only somewhat of a girl to us, Ryanne. You being my sister, your opinion is only somewhat important.”
“Jax, that’s kind of a jerk thing to say,” Will said, his voice ringing clear through the air. Both Jax and I turned to look at him, amazed. Will had never spoken up like that before. His eyes found mine again, holding me. “Ry’s opinion is just as important as anyone else’s and she’s definitely all girl.”
My throat felt like it was closing up and my eyes darted between Jax and Will. I felt incredibly uncomfortable. Jax made his feelings clear and it seemed Will was making his feelings clear and I had no idea where that left me. I cleared my throat, again, and decided to try to change the subject, hoping to cut through some of the tension that filled the room. “What do you think about your new look, Will?”
“It’s good,” Will smirked.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” When I raised an eyebrow at him, he continued. “I can’t wait to see what happens Monday at school, that’s all. I hope I’m not called adorable again.”
I was nervous about how Will would be seen at school. Part of me wanted him to find someone. Part of me wanted him to find me. “You are way beyond adorable. You’re hot.” His eyes widened and his lips parted in shock, then he looked down at the table and I wanted to smack myself for saying that out loud.
“Ryanne, leave your cougar claws out of Will,” Jax said, his voice sharp. He glared at me.
“Shut up. I’m just trying to help him out.”
“Stop.”
“Hush, little brother.” I smirked at Will and he grinned back. There was a newfound confidence in Will and as he smiled back at me, I felt a shift between us.
A good shift.
Will
THE WEEKEND WAS OVER and I was sitting in Jax’s truck in the school parking lot, preparing myself to walk in with my new look. I was nervous about how other people would see the changes.
“Let’s go,” Jax said. He flung his door open and climbed out.
Lindsey came over as soon as she saw Jax. “Holy shit, Will.” Her eyes widened. “You look really hot.”
“Thanks.” I felt an odd mix of embarrassment and pleasure and my cheeks heated.
“I bet Stacey would go out with you now.”
“Leave it alone, Linds. Will doesn’t want any part of Stacey.”
“Why not? She’s my best friend, Jax.”
“That’s fine. She can be your friend, and she can leave her claws out of my friend.” Jax waved for me to follow him. We started to walk away when Stacey came u
p and grabbed my arm.
“Wow, Will. You look really good.”
“Thanks.”
“Totally hot,” Lindsey said, sighing.
“Totally,” Stacey agreed. Her eyes moved over me from head to toe as if she were devouring me with her eyes. After her previous rejection of me, it was oddly satisfying to know I appealed to her now even though I had absolutely no interest in her.
“Leave him alone, Stacey. He doesn’t need your bullshit,” Jax said. “Let’s go man.” I followed Jax down the corridor. “You don’t want Stacey. She is only interested in guys who can do something for her. You need to learn a few things, but luckily, you have me.”
I nodded and went to my class. Jax came off like he didn’t care much about anyone, though he always had my back and I was glad I had him. It made changing my whole life easier to deal with. Besides, I had no idea what it was I needed to learn.
As the day went on, I realized how drastically the new clothing changed things. Girls I’d never met before were coming up to say hi, and one even asked me out, but I wasn’t happy with my newfound popularity. I had no desire to know anyone who was that fake.
After school, Ryanne was about to climb in her car when we pulled into the driveway. “Hey, Will, how’d today go?” she asked.
“Okay.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to say too much. My feelings had changed toward Ryanne. Sure, I’d thought she was beautiful the first time I saw her, but when she told me I could be true to myself without forgetting my parents, my feelings became more intense. I saw her in a new light. She talked to me like she really cared, like I wasn’t insecure and annoying.
I wanted her.
I wanted her to be my friend, and I wanted to be able to hold her and touch her and say she was mine.
“Just okay?” The sound of hope in her voice wasn’t completely muffled.
“Yeah.” I gave her a half smile but really I wanted to grin and fist pump that this beautiful girl in front of me seemed to care.
“Oh, shut the fuck up, Will,” Jax said. He slammed his car door. “A ton of girls threw themselves at him and Will showed absolutely no interest.”
Ryanne smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “Make them work for it,” she said. “I have to head to class. You boys be good.”
I watched her climb in her car and drive away.
“Hey, dumbass, you going to stand there all night or are you going to come in?” Jax yelled from the front door when Ryanne’s car was out of sight.
“Yeah.” I ran a hand through my hair and grabbed the back of my neck as I walked into his house. I had no idea what to do about Ryanne. The feelings I had for her were getting stronger and I had been trying to deny them to myself, but I was finding it impossible. The way she looked at me like I was someone special made me want to be someone special to her. I wanted to cause her face to light up in a smile and I wanted to be the one to dry her tears when she cried.
I tossed my book bag onto a chair and followed Jax into the kitchen. He turned around and punched me in the arm. “I will impart some of my wisdom when it comes to females as long as you don’t turn it around and use it on my sister, you jackass.” He hit me in the shoulder again.
“Ow.” I rubbed my arm. He’d punched me so hard that my arm burned.
“You deserve it for giving my fucking sister those eyes.” He stomped over to a cabinet and pulled down a package of cookies.
“What are you talking about?”
“If you weren’t so God damned clueless, I’d be so pissed at you right now.” He shoved the cookie package closer to me. “You were looking at my sister like you wanted her to be your dinner, like she was the Promised Land and you were ready to discover it.”
“I was not.”
“Fuck, Will. Yeah, you were. And you always look at her like that. Luckily, her head is even farther up her ass than yours is.” He hopped up on the counter. “Typically, girls like that look. It makes them go all crazy and shit. If you want a girl to be interested in you, give her that look and you will have her eating out of the palm of your hand.”
“I guess that would be helpful if I even knew what look you were talking about.”
“Shit.” He was swearing a lot more than usual, which showed how annoyed and uncomfortable he was. “This is going to sound ridiculous, but it’s true, so bear with me.” He ran a hand down his face, clearly frustrated. “When you see a girl you think is really hot and that you are interested in, there’s a look you get on your face. I don’t mean you specifically, I mean guys in general.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “This is so incredibly awkward.”
I swallowed, trying to hide my embarrassment. “My mom used to call it ‘the smolder’.”
“That’s a stupid ass name, but it’ll work for our purposes.”
“I looked at Ryanne that way?”
“Yeah, and I suggest you cut that shit out.”
I stood, unmoving as Jax stalked from the room. I had no idea how to process what he said or what to do. I knew Jax was protective of his sister, but I hadn’t realized he was that protective.
I craved Ryanne.
But she was out of reach.
A week later, I was sitting in Jax’s room after school. He was blasting some techno music and playing air drums as he sat in a chair and rolled around, head banging. I gave up trying to study and laughed as I watched his performance. I found myself doing that a lot around Jax and I often forgot about whatever was bothering me. He brought me out of my head and I enjoyed the moment, usually because he was doing something completely ridiculous like he was now.
The song ended and he rolled his chair back over to his desk, brushing hair out of his eyes as he grinned. “I hate that fucking song.”
I laughed. “You knew every word. And you totally jammed out to it.” I tossed my pencil on my book. “And it was on your iPod.”
He shrugged. “Lindsey likes it. One day you’ll understand putting shitty songs on your iPod just because it makes your girlfriend happy.”
My smile faded and I turned back to my homework. The only girl I was interested in was Ryanne and Jax had told me to stay away from her. I tried to pretend that didn’t sting as much as it did, but I wasn’t very successful. Jax started a new song on his iPod and I was relieved that line of conversation ended before it went any farther. I heard his door open and I turned to find Ryanne standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrow raised.
“Aren’t you supposed to be doing homework or something? Not whatever it is you’re actually doing?” She tried to sound stern, but the smile sliding over her lips gave her away.
“Sometimes my awesomeness just builds up and it needs to be released with a drum solo.”
“Awesome drum solos do not earn you good grades.”
“My grades are fine, my dearest sister. In fact, you interrupted the actual studying.”
“Less jamming, more work.” Her eyes slid over to me and her eyebrows furrowed. I turned away for a moment, trying to hide how I was really feeling. When I finally looked back at her, I saw compassion in her eyes and a desire to understand. I wished she could understand. Maybe then I would understand too.
“Hey, Will, can you come help me reach something down in the kitchen?” She motioned behind her.
“Sure.” Jax turned back to his work and I followed Ryanne downstairs to the kitchen. “What do you need help with?”
“Sit down with me a minute.” She sat at one of the tall stools at the kitchen island and gestured for me to sit in the other one. I cautiously walked over and sat next to her. “I don’t know what has you upset, but I wanted to tell you that I’m here for you. I know you’re going through a lot right now, but you aren’t alone.”
“Yeah, thanks.” I didn’t know what she was getting at, but I felt a strange tugging in my heart.
“I’m really fucking this up.” She grabbed a strand of her hair and twirled it. “Listen, I’m not going to get all feel good on you, and I’m
not going to sprout a lot of bullshit I’m sure you’ve heard before.” Her eyes swept over me and she seemed to make up her mind about something. “What’s going on? You seem really upset. I thought I’d walk into that room and see you and Jax acting like idiots, but instead, Jax was staring at you like he had never seen you before and your nose was buried in your book.”
“Nothing, I was just trying to study.” I grabbed a napkin off the counter and folded it.
“Bullshit.” She leaned back in her chair. “I won’t bullshit you if you don’t bullshit me and I smell bullshit.”
I sighed. “I’m not sure why you care.” I shot a glance over at her, trying to gauge her reaction, and her face softened. She put her hand over mine, stilling my movements with the napkin. Sparks raced up my arm from where she touched me. That happened every time we touched, whether it was an intentional touch or accidental, and it confused me.
“I care because you’re a good person who has had really shitty luck. I don’t know everything that has happened to you, but I know enough to understand why you’re sad. Sometimes, the sadness seems to take over you and it seems like you can’t see through it. I want to be able to help you out. I know guys don’t do all the touchy-feely talk that girls do, and so I know Jax won’t ask you why you’re so sad, but I will. I think you need to know someone cares.”
I nodded slowly. She made sense. I felt incredibly alone and I didn’t know what to do about it. Even though I considered Jax, Ry and Courtney my friends, I still felt alone. No one knew the real me and I craved that. I wanted someone to know the inner turmoil that ripped me apart every day. Maybe Ryanne could be that person.
She leaned down until she caught my downcast eyes. “You aren’t alone, Will, and I have faith in you. I know things seem hard right now, but you’ve shown incredible strength so far. You’ve lost your family and relocated to live with an aunt you didn’t really know. You started public school and you’ve been making friends.” She squeezed my hands. “I think you need to hear how well you’ve done, and how much of a survivor you really are. It’s easy to forget how many great things you’ve accomplished when you’re grieving so hard. ”