by Love, Kristy
But I couldn’t force him.
I hated watching him suffer in silence.
Will
I WAS OUT RUNNING, trying to clear my head. I needed the escape.
All week I’d made sure to get to any classes I had with Jax right before the bell rang, then left as soon as the class was over, effectively avoiding him. I got permission to use the track at lunch so I could avoid him then as well, and I had ridden the bus to school all week. I wasn’t going to rely on Jax. I was sick of relying on people.
Ry and Jax hadn’t made it easy to avoid them. I got texts and calls all day, plus they showed up at the door. If Aunt Liv was home, I told her I was working on a project and didn’t want to be distracted, and if she wasn’t home I just ignored them. I thought after a few days, they would get the point, but it didn’t seem to be working. They had started standing outside at my usual running times, so I had to vary the times when I left. Avoiding them had become a job, but I couldn’t stand having them pity me. I hated that they knew how messed up I was.
After the first time I’d cut, I found myself cutting more often. I couldn’t avoid it. Running and cutting had become my escape, my vices. I couldn’t live without either of them and, unfortunately, I knew I took them to unhealthy levels. Every chance I got, I was outside running. Anytime I was in the bathroom for any length of time, I found myself cutting. It was inevitable and I hated it. It brought me calmness. I couldn’t stop.
Both of my arms were covered in cuts. It was a good thing the weather was cooler and I could get away with wearing long sleeved shirts all the time because there was no way I’d hide them otherwise.
I rounded the corner, running toward Aunt Liv’s driveway. I hated that I couldn’t think of it as my home, but it wasn’t. I didn’t have a home anymore. In the driveway, I stopped, doubled over, and tried to catch my breath. Normally, I ran for an hour or two, but today I’d pushed it to three. I needed to clear my head from all the stuff that had been swirling around and I hoped the extra running would allow me to avoid cutting. My muscles burned and shook and I was exhausted, but I felt better. I stretched, easing some of the ache in my muscles, lost in my own world.
A voice from behind me startled me. “Good run?”
I looked over my shoulder and saw that Ry was standing right behind me. “Yeah.” I turned back around and continued to stretch. She walked around so she was facing me, making it harder to avoid her. She forced a smile.
“How have you been this week?”
“Fine. You?”
“I’ve been okay, I guess.” She shifted her weight between her feet and looked at something over my shoulder, like she needed to gather courage. There was no way I was going to help her out. I didn’t particularly want to talk to her, but I couldn’t bring myself to be overly rude. “Liv called while you were out running. She invited Jax and me over for dinner.”
“That’s nice.” Aunt Liv had been bugging me about inviting Jax and Ry over for dinner. I kept blowing her off but eventually, I ran out of excuses.
“Are you going to be there?”
“It’s not like I have anywhere else to be.”
She nodded, then looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry about last Saturday.”
“Let’s not talk about it.”
“Okay. I just wanted to say I was sorry. Neither Jax nor I wanted to upset you.”
“Fine.” I finished stretching then opened my water bottle, taking long pulls from it. Her eyes looked everywhere but me.
“I had a favor I wanted to ask you,” she said timidly. I raised an eyebrow in question. “I’m planning a surprise party for Jax’s eighteenth birthday. Since his birthday’s only a few days before Halloween, I’m combining the two and I was hoping you could help me out. I need someone to keep him out of the house for a few hours while I set it up. Would you be willing to help?”
“When’s the party?”
“November first.”
“I’m not sure, Ry.” She winced as though her name on my lips was painful. I wondered how things had gotten so screwed up. Maybe Jax had been right all along. Getting involved with Ry was a bad idea. Not only had I lost Ry, but I’d also lost my best friend.
“I’m not asking you to do much, just keep him out of the house. You guys could go see a movie or something. I’d really like you to be there, and I know Jax would as well. I mean, if you want to come to the party, that is.”
I sighed. No matter what was said and what had happened, I still considered Jax to be my best friend and I still cared about Ry, even though part of me didn’t want to. “Sure. Just let me know when and I’ll help out.”
She smiled, a real smile for the first time since I had started talking to her this morning. “Thanks so much, Will. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Yep.” She waved and ran into her house. I made my way into the house and was about to head up the stairs to shower when Aunt Liv stopped me.
“I just wanted to let you know I invited Jax and Ryanne over for dinner. I’m making lasagna.”
“You’re cooking?” In the seven months I had lived with her, not once had I seen her cook.
She smiled. “Yeah, I can cook. I just don’t do it often.”
“I can’t wait.” I forced a smile before running up the stairs and into the bathroom. When the door was shut, I collapsed against it. All the tension the run had relieved was back and I was on edge. My eyes fell on my razor sitting harmlessly on the countertop and I was immediately drawn to it, wanting to cut myself open for the release. I needed the release it brought. Why couldn’t I be stronger? I picked up the razor, staring at it. It made the feelings that overwhelmed me easier to deal with. It cleared my head and made breathing easier. There was no point in fighting it.
I made a cut across my arm and closed my eyes, both from the physical pain and the relief it brought me. After several, long moments and another two cuts, I climbed into the shower and sagged against the wall. I wasn’t strong enough this time. Would I ever be strong?
I set the salad on the table just as the doorbell rang. Aunt Liv left to open it and anxiety flooded me, making me feel sick. I pushed on one of the fresh cuts, making it throb, the pain lessening the anxiety as Jax and Ryanne walked in. I wished I could go upstairs and bleed it out.
Jax and Ryanne eyed me nervously. I smiled stiffly at them, still running my finger over the cut. Jax watched the movement of my finger over my arm, but I had long sleeves on, so he couldn’t see the cuts that ran up and down my arm.
“Hey, Will,” he said. “It’s been awhile.”
“Yeah, I’ve been busy.”
He nodded. Aunt Liv put the lasagna on the table and told everyone to sit down. They made small talk, but I said nothing as I ran my finger over the cut, wishing I had more relief from the overwhelming emotions. I attempted to eat, though the food felt like a brick in my mouth.
“What are your plans for Halloween this year?” Aunt Liv asked.
“I’m not sure. We normally just hang out with friends,” Jax said, then put a bite into his mouth. “This is the shit, Liv.” Aunt Liv smiled. Ryanne took a bite and moaned, her eyes rolling back in her head.
“Holy shit, Liv,” Ryanne blurted out. “Why in the hell don’t you cook more often? This is the best lasagna I’ve ever had.”
Aunt Liv laughed. “Because I’m a busy woman and cooking for two people is difficult.”
“You can cook for us anytime you want,” Jax proclaimed. He had finished his whole serving and was getting another one.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Aunt Liv retorted. “What do you want to do for your first Halloween, Will?”
“First?” Ryanne looked at me, eyebrows raised. I pushed harder on the cut.
“I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween. My parents thought it was the devil’s holiday.”
“Shit.” Jax sat back in his chair, rubbing his stomach. “We have to get you all dressed up and full of candy then.”
“Are you having a party?�
� Aunt Liv asked.
“Maybe,” Ryanne said, her eyes sliding in my direction. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“We should. It’s Will’s first Halloween and I’m turning eighteen a few days before. We need to have a big party.”
“If you need any help, let me know,” Aunt Liv chimed in. She looked at Jax. “And before you ask, Jax, no. I will not get you any alcohol.”
“I wasn’t even going to ask, Liv,” Jax said, feigning innocence and disbelief.
“I’m sure.”
“No alcohol. Don’t worry,” Ryanne reassured. I pushed harder on the cut until I felt it tear open again and the blood began to drip. I closed my eyes.
“You okay, Will?”
My eyes flew open and found Ry. She looked worried. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I pushed back from the table and held my arm close to my body, hoping to hide the sight of the blood from everyone. “I have to run to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
In the bathroom, I cleaned the cut and put a fresh bandage on it. I braced my hands on the sink and hung my head, feeling weak, then went and changed my shirt. When I went back to the table, Ry looked at my shirt and gave me a questioning look, but didn’t say anything.
The rest of dinner passed uneventfully. Afterward, we cleaned the kitchen, then Ry and Jax left soon after. Aunt Liv said goodnight and went up to her room, and I climbed the stairs after her.
That dinner had been harder than I thought it would be. Sitting around the table, pretending we were a family and planning to celebrate Halloween, had been excruciating. I shouldn’t have been planning to break more of my parents’ rules by going to a Halloween party. I should have been sitting around our table back home with my parents. Instead, I sat at a table with people who only saw the worst in me.
The brief relief I had experienced by reopening the cut had brought was now gone.
Sadness filled every available space in my body, weighing me down. I walked into the bathroom and picked up the razor, then dragged it across my skin. Inhaling deeply, my lungs expanded with oxygen and relief filled me. The weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt more in control as I watched the blood drip into the sink until the cut on my arm clotted. I cleaned it, then covered it with antibacterial cream and a bandage.
As I walked into my room and collapsed on my bed, I realized one thing.
I would never be strong.
Ryanne
THE PARTY WAS IN AN hour and, of course, my dad had showed up. He hadn’t been home in several months, but now he wanted to play house. Not only that, but he’d arrived the day after Jax’s birthday and never said anything. Not even a freaking Hallmark card. But that was to be expected from our dad. He was a worthless parent and a pretty shitty human being as well. I told him about the party and he said he’d try to be there, though I wasn’t holding my breath. He would probably be in his office at work. It wasn’t like it was his son’s eighteenth-birthday party or anything.
I worried what my dad would do now that Jax was eighteen. Since we were both adults, he really had no reason to come home anymore. He could stop pretending to be a parent and go do whatever the fuck it was that he did. Before I’d turned eighteen, he’d spent more time at home, only gone one or two nights a month. He worked late hours, but he was home pretty consistently. As soon as I’d turned eighteen, he’d left more frequently and for longer periods of time. It didn’t matter that Jax was sixteen and I still had a few months left of high school. All that mattered was work.
On my eighteenth birthday, he didn’t say happy birthday or buy me a present. Instead, he sat me down and told me the things I needed to start taking care of—making sure Jax got to school and kept his grades up, making sure the house was kept in order, grocery shopping and paying the bills. I was basically responsible for everything. I hated my dad. The fact that he was ignoring his son’s birthday upset me, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I had given up on him years ago. I felt sorry for Jax, though. He deserved more than that.
Jax was out with Will; they had gone to see the newest horror movie. I hoped that would keep them out long enough so that Liv and I could finish getting things ready.
In a way, I was jealous that Jax was getting time with Will. Even though it had been a little over two weeks since our dinner at Liv’s, Will was still avoiding us. I had hoped that would help smooth things over, but he never came around anymore. Jax said he still left classes early and arrived just before they started and he wasn’t coming to lunch. Dread had become my constant companion. And guilt. And regret. I was a cocktail of fucked up and it was all because of Will.
Since homecoming, Jax’s opinion on Will and me had changed. I wasn’t sure exactly what had prompted the change; maybe he saw how happy Will made me, or maybe he saw how good Will and I had been together at the dance … well, before everything went to shit. But Jax told me if Will started coming around again, he would back off and let us figure things out.
“Ryanne, I just got a text from Will. They’re a few minutes away,” Liv said. Pain coursed through me knowing Will had texted Liv instead of me, but it was what it was. I couldn’t let it ruin Jax’s night.
The house was full of people, and I wasn’t sure where everyone was going to hide. “Guys, it’s time!” I yelled. Everyone disappeared as I turned the lights off.
A key moved in the door. “I can’t believe you screamed, dude,” Jax said after the door opened. “I knew you were a pussy, but I didn’t think it was that bad.” He laughed.
“Yeah, yeah,” Will said.
I flicked the light switch and everyone jumped out. “Surprise!”
Jax jumped backwards and his eyes widened. “Holy shit!”
“Happy birthday, little brother,” I said, pulling him in for a hug. “And happy first Halloween, Will. Let’s get this party started!” I exclaimed.
Music blasted and people started to dance as I went into the kitchen. Seeing Will had upset me. He didn’t look good. He was thinner than he had been last time and his eyes looked haunted. My heart hurt.
Jax followed me into the kitchen. “Thanks for doing this, Ry.”
“No problem. You know I love you.” I smiled.
“Love you too.” He pulled me into a brief hug. “Is Dad going to be here?”
“I don’t think so, but you never know.” I hated that I was put in this position. I shouldn’t have to tell my brother that his own father didn’t give a shit.
“Well, thank you anyway. It’s great.”
“Enjoy your party, little brother.”
He went back to the party and I finished picking up some garbage before going to the living room. I leaned against the wall to people watch. Most people were in costumes. Jax wasn’t dressed in a costume, obviously, but he wouldn’t have dressed up anyway. He always said he was too sexy to cover it up with a costume. He was dancing on the coffee table and pulled Will up with him. Will had changed into a costume—a pirate hat, white shirt with a pirate jacket over it and a plastic sword. Everyone around the coffee table cheered them on as they danced. My chest swelled with pride and ached at the same time. I was so proud of the man Jax was growing into. He was amazing. I smiled as I watched them dance.
Jax looked over at me, a devilish grin curled his lips. “Maybe if we ask really nicely, Ryanne will come and join us!” Jax yelled over the crowd. He motioned me over and I shook my head no. “Oh, come on, Ryanne, live a little!” I pushed away from the wall and tried to disappear into the kitchen, but Jax caught up to me. He pulled me toward the coffee table and shoved me up on it. “Give the people what they want, Ry! Let’s go!”
I stared at Will, awkwardly. He didn’t look happy, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me closer to him. I danced with Will and laughed as he stepped on my toes. He shrugged and stared at our feet, trying hard to not to step on me. He grabbed my hips, stopping my heart and my breathing at the same time, and smiled shyly.
He pulled me closer to him, and even though the room was crowded and loud,
nothing else existed but Will. The people around us faded away. All I heard was my breath and the beat of my heart. One of his hands moved to my lower back, removing any space that was between us. I rested my head on his chest and felt the warmth of his arms and breathed him in, relaxing for the first time in weeks.
All too quickly, he pulled away from me and hopped off the table. He held his hand up for me and I took it, following him down. When he moved to take his hand from mine, I held it tighter. I needed to talk to him. I looked around the room for Jax and when I found him, he nodded once and tilted his head toward the stairs, effectively giving me permission. I smiled and pulled Will behind me, up the stairs to my bedroom. I closed the door behind us and turned to Will. His eyes were wide with panic, his hands were clenched to his sides and his body tight with tension, making him look like a caged animal.
“Will, we need to talk.”
“What do you want, Ry? I think you and Jax have made it pretty clear how you felt.”
I winced at the hurt and anger in his voice. “Please, let me explain.” I moved closer to him, but he stepped away. “Jax and I are both sorry about what happened that night. He’s changed his mind and he’s fine with us being together. And I want that, Will. So much.” I reached out to him, snagging his hand, and moved closer, wrapping my arms around his waist.
“I don’t need Jax’s approval about who to date.”
I sighed. “I know, but it’s complicated. I didn’t want to cause issues with Jax for either of us. Now that he’s okay, I thought we could give it a chance. See what is between us.”
“I don’t need you to pity me, Ry.”
“I don’t pity you. I care about you. A lot.”
He stared down at me, seemingly unmoved. I realized, in that moment, how much we had hurt him, how much I had hurt him. I figured if my words couldn’t help heal him, my actions would. I pressed up on my toes and brushed my lips softly over his, my lips tingling with the small contact.