by Love, Kristy
“Obviously I am! Because they are dead! They are dead because of my decisions!” Angry tears burned my eyes. “No, you know what? They aren’t dead because of my decisions. They are dead because of their own freaking decisions. If they wouldn’t have suffocated me, I wouldn’t have been at the party that night. If they would have let me pick my own friends and actually live, I wouldn’t have felt the need to lie and drink and fool around with a girl who didn’t care about me. I wanted to feel like I could make my own decisions. Like I could be grown up. I was sick of being treated like a child. So yeah, I made stupid decisions, but I feel like I was forced into it! I felt like they were breathing down my neck and I couldn’t even breathe without them being there telling me I was doing it wrong!”
“What are you feeling right now, Will?” Dr. Thomas’ voice was gentle.
“I’m angry! I’m angry at them for not letting me live and I’m angry at them for dying. I feel guilty that I’m happier without them here. What kind of son does that make me?”
“You are human. That’s what it makes you. Sometimes being human means making bad decisions and being wrong. Life is made in the screw ups, Will. Life is messy and hard and complicated, but also beautiful.”
“Does it make me awful that I’m glad I can live my own life?”
“No. You miss your parents and you love them and I’m sure you wish they were still alive, but at the same time, you are experiencing life without their strict rules and guidelines. It’s normal.”
“I do miss them. Every day. At the same time, if things hadn’t happened the way they did, I wouldn’t have met Jax and Ry. I wouldn’t be as close to Aunt Liv as I am.”
“It’s okay to be resentful, Will.”
“I’m not resentful.”
“Stop and get in touch with your feelings. Don’t answer right away, then tell me how you feel.”
After a few moments of silent contemplation, I finally answered. “I do resent them. I resent them for so much and at the same time, I’m thankful that they loved me as much as they did. Why am I always a mess of thoughts and feelings?”
“Most situations aren’t black and white. You can feel a million different emotions about one thing. And the next time the situation comes up, you can feel something completely different. Life is lived in the grey area.”
“I hate the way my parents raised me.”
“You’re allowed.”
“I feel like they set me up for failure.”
“When someone is sheltered and isolated as much as you were, that’s common. High anxiety and depression are common because you’ve been made to feel like the world is a scary place and that you aren’t able to handle life.”
“That’s true. I am scared. I have no confidence in myself.”
“You formerly had no confidence in yourself. The language you use when talking about yourself is powerful, Will. You’ve been showing incredible growth. You haven’t cut in over a week. You’re able to express your emotions and your thoughts, even if they are unpleasant. You are a survivor, Will. You have amazing strength.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are all human and we all make mistakes, it’s part of life. You are trying, though. That’s all that matters.”
Two Weeks Later
“You’ve been doing amazing, Will,” Dr. Thomas said.
“Thank you. I feel a lot better.”
“It shows.”
The last three weeks had been the hardest weeks of my entire life. I had examined most of my life and I felt free. I had forgiven Nick for everything that had happened and I had forgiven my parents for the resentment. I felt strong and confident, and writing about my thoughts and feelings had become a great way for me to handle my urges.
“Today I want to talk about Jax and Ryanne,” she said.
“Okay. What about them?”
“Why did you push them away when you needed them the most?” I shrugged. “Come on, Will. You can do better than that.”
“Honestly?”
“Only honesty is allowed in our sessions.”
I sighed. “Because everyone leaves. I’m sick of being left behind or betrayed.”
“Who has left?”
“My parents, my friends, my family other than Aunt Liv.”
“All your friends?”
“Both Nick and Chase disappeared after the accident. Nick wouldn’t even come to the funeral. Chase came, but he avoided me. I tried to apologize to him, but he ignored me.”
“Have you tried reaching out to him after that?”
“Yeah, I went over to his house before I moved down here. His mom told me he wasn’t up to visitors.”
“Back to Ryanne and Jax, why do you think they will abandon you?”
“Doesn’t everyone?”
“Don’t you think you are lumping them in with people unfairly?”
“I don’t know.”
“Have they come to visit you since you’ve been here?”
“No, I asked them not to.”
“Why?”
“I’m embarrassed.”
“You are working to make yourself better, Will. There is nothing shameful about being here.”
“I feel like I’m crazy.”
“You aren’t crazy. You needed help and you’re getting it. That’s a very smart and sane thing to do.”
“I guess so.”
She smiled. “Back to Ryanne and Jax. Have they at least written?”
“Yeah. I get at least a letter a week from Jax and a letter every couple of days from Ryanne.”
“That’s nice, isn’t it?”
“I guess so.”
“How do you feel about Ryanne?”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem close to her.”
“I care about her a lot.”
“Do you want more than friendship with her?”
“I’m not capable of being more than friends with anyone.”
“Why not?”
“I’m too broken.”
“You aren’t broken, you are getting stronger. And even then, that’s no reason to avoid a relationship.”
“What if I suck at it?”
“Why would you suck at it?”
“I’ve never done any type of relationship before.”
“You are generous and compassionate, those are good attributes to bring into a relationship.”
I looked to the side, staring at the wall. “I’m not sure if Ryanne wants me that way.”
“From what you’ve told me, I think it’s pretty clear.”
“I’m afraid. I think that’s more likely the case.”
“You need to give yourself more credit, Will.”
“I’m afraid of putting myself out there and being betrayed again. How do I know I can trust them?”
“Have they shown themselves to be untrustworthy?”
“No.”
“They seem to be really trustworthy and to care a lot about you. Give them a chance. Give yourself a chance.”
I nodded, hoping I had the strength.
Will
I HAD BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL for almost a month which meant Christmas was spent surrounded by strangers. That was difficult. My mom had always made a big deal over Christmas with turkey and stuffing, pies, cookies, ham. She worked for a month to make food for shelters or people in the church who didn’t have much money. I missed that. I missed the feeling of love and knowing they were always there for me.
I missed them.
I spent most of my time in my room and in therapy, and I attended several art programs that were therapeutic. I was focused on getting better because the quicker I got out of here, the sooner I could go back to my friends and family on the outside. Most patients had a two-week stay, but Aunt Liv had worked it out with the insurance and the hospital so that I stayed longer. She worried that, without the intensive therapy I was getting in here, I’d go right back to cutting. It was a concern of mine as well. Part of me was
anxious to get out of here, but the other part of me was terrified of leaving.
“Hi, Will,” Dr. Thomas greeted me as she walked in and sat in the chair across from me. “How are you doing today?”
“I’m good.” I toyed with the cuff on my hoodie, feeling anxious.
“You seem on edge. What’s wrong?”
“I was told I was going home next week.”
“Is this upsetting you?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure how I’ll be able to deal with triggers when I’m back out in the world.”
“You can use a lot of the techniques you’ve learned in here. You’ll continue to see me on an out-patient basis, and you’ll continue on your depression and anxiety medications. We can come up with plans for how to deal with triggers and stress outside of the hospital.”
“What if I cut again?”
“The temptation will probably be there, but you’ve been getting stronger. You’re able to verbalize your thoughts and feelings. You’ve been asking for help when you feel overwhelmed. You aren’t giving yourself enough credit for the amazing work you’ve put into yourself in the last month.”
I continued to toy with the cuff of my hoodie. “I guess so.”
“What else is bothering you?”
“What if Jax and Ryanne don’t want anything to do with me now?” That was a constant worry of mine. How could I deal with that when I still cared about both of them so much?
“We’ve talked about Ryanne and Jax. Are they still writing you letters?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think they would write to you if they didn’t care?”
“I guess not.”
We talked about how to deal with going home and what to do if I encountered triggers. We brainstormed ways to deal with anxiety and the things that used to cause me to cut. As I was getting ready to leave, she stopped me with a hand on my arm and a warm smile.
“Remember what we talked about, Will. You are not a collection of mistakes, you are a worthy person who deserves love and forgiveness.”
I nodded and left her office, feeling more prepared to deal with life outside of the hospital. Sure, I still felt some anxiety and uncertainty, but I could handle it. I was a stronger person than I was a month ago, and I would find a way to deal with things. Seeing Ryanne again was a scary thought, but I would keep an open mine and see how things went.
As I packed my bag to go home, nerves ate at my stomach. The scars on my wrists and arms ached, even though they had stopped hurting weeks ago. I knew it was from my skyrocketing anxiety and the uncertainty of going home. I was terrified of going home, messing up, and cutting again. Last time, I had been lucky when Jax and Ryanne had found me, but I might not be that lucky again.
“You ready?” Aunt Liv asked. She was standing in the doorway to my room with a big smile on her face. I picked up my bag, then walked over and threw my arms around her. My bag swung into her side, almost knocking her over, but I caught her and we both laughed.
“Thanks, Aunt Liv. For everything.” I rested my cheek on top of her head.
“You’re welcome, Will. Let’s get out of here.”
I looked one last time at my room. It had been my home for over a month, the place where I’d lived while I conquered demons and faced hard truths. I had cried myself to sleep here so many nights but now, for the first time in my life, I felt strong enough to deal with whatever life threw my way.
Turning, I looked at Aunt Liv and threw my arm over her shoulder. “Let’s go home.”
Ryanne
LIV HAD CALLED ME last night and said Will was coming home today, so I’d been checking the time and staring out the window, waiting for them to show up. I had no idea what to expect and that made me nervous, but I needed to see him and know he was okay.
I was kneeling on the couch, looking out the window, my face basically pressed against the glass when Jax walked in. “Are you still sitting there?”
“Obviously.”
“It isn’t the second coming,” he teased.
“No, it isn’t, but I’m anxious to see him.” I looked over at him. “Aren’t you?”
Jax shrugged, trying to play nonchalant. “I’ve been keeping my own tabs on him.” He grinned. “He seems to be doing fine, Ry. I just don’t think he wants to be bombarded as soon as he gets home.”
“What do you know?” I looked back out the window. Snow had started falling and I watched a big flake fall against the glass. “I think he’d like to know we are happy to see him and that we’re on his side.”
“I think the letters you wrote to him constantly will let him know you’re obsessed.”
I picked up a pillow off the couch and threw it at him. “I am not obsessed!”
He laughed and tossed the pillow back at me. “Keep telling yourself that, sis.”
A car door slammed shut, drawing my attention back outside. Liv was pulling Will’s bag out of the trunk and Will was looking at the house in front of him as if it were a monster that would chew him up. I squealed, hopped off the couch, and ran for the front door, forgetting to put on a jacket and leaving my fuzzy slippers on.
Jax laughed as I ran past him. “Told you,” he said under his breath.
I rushed outside and down our sidewalk. Liv looked over at me and chuckled as I ran at Will, colliding with him. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, breathing him in. He didn’t smell the same as he had months ago, but the feel of his strong arms around me was wonderful.
“Hi,” he said quietly into my ear. I tightened my arms around his neck as tears welled in my eyes.
“Hi.”
I suddenly felt shy. I let go and stepped back, really looking at him for the first time in months. His hair was longer, falling into his eyes and his eyes had changed. They were still the same stunning blue, but they were no longer haunted or sad. He smiled at me, the smile reaching his eyes, and a huge weight lifted off my chest. He seemed lighter, happier … peaceful.
“You look really good.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I bit my tongue, embarrassed that I’d said it out loud.
One side of his mouth quirked up. “Thank you.”
“Hey, man,” Jax said as he walked up behind me.
“Hey.”
“Good to see you home. Maybe Ryanne will be a little less spazzy now.”
All eyes turned to me and my cheeks heated. “Shut up, Jax.” I rubbed my hands over my arms, regretting not taking the time to grab a jacket.
“You must be cold, Ryanne,” Liv said. “Let’s head inside. It’s snowing and Ryanne’s out here without a jacket and proper shoes.” Once we were inside, Liv told us to sit down as she got me a blanket. I hadn’t realized how cold I was. My feet burned from the cold, and my fingers were frozen and numb.
“Glad to be home?” I asked Will. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
“Yeah, though I’m nervous to be back in the midst of everything.”
“I get that.”
“Don’t feel like you’re alone. We don’t want you to feel like you did before.” Will’s eyes snapped to Jax. “Yeah, man, anything you need, we’re here for you.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it. So tell me what’s been going on since I’ve been gone.”
“Same old, same old,” I said. “School and work.”
Jax brought Will up to date as I watched the two of them. Will relaxed, sinking into the chair a little more, and I smiled to myself. He was such a different person than the broken boy I knew a few months ago.
“What are you smiling about?” Will asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Nothing. You just seem like you’re doing really good.”
Will smiled. “I am.”
Liv came in carrying a tray of coffee cups. “Here we go.” She handed each of us a cup of coffee, then set out cream and sugar. “That should help everyone warm up.” She smiled at Will. She seemed different, too; calmer and more at peace. The worry lines were gone fr
om her face.
We chatted for a little while as we sipped our coffees, then I thanked Liv and took the empty mugs back into the kitchen. Liv was right behind me.
“I wanted to talk to you alone.” She looked over her shoulder. Will and Jax’s voices traveled from the living room. “Thanks for welcoming him home the way you did. He was worried that you and Jax would have hard feelings after the way you guys found him.”
“Never. We all go through rough times.”
“I know.” She looked toward the living room again. “He’s in a much better place now, but sometimes he still seems so lost and sad.”
“He’s been through a lot.” Before I could say anything else, Jax and Will walked into the kitchen, laughing. Liv gave me a tight smile before turning to the boys.
“We’ll see you later, Liv,” Jax said. “Will had informed me that it is movie night and you’re picking, Ry.”
“Yeah, it’s been awhile since the three of us have hung out and I’d like to spend some time with you guys. I mean, if that’s okay with you.” Will looked at me, uncertainty shining in his eyes.
“It sounds like the perfect plan,” I agreed with a smile. “You should come over for dinner too. We can make a night out of it.”
I couldn’t wait.
The doorbell rang just as I was finishing dinner. Jax ran down the stairs and opened the door to let Will in and they immediately started laughing about something. The sound of Will’s laughter sent butterflies through my stomach.
“Thanks for inviting me over,” Will said. I looked up from the pasta and watched as he settled himself onto a stool at the kitchen counter. “Aunt Liv has been driving me nuts. I know she means well, but I don’t need her to hang around. I was in my room and I swear she came in every ten seconds.”
“That had to be annoying,” Jax said as he walked to the fridge. “Want a drink?”
“Sure, whatever you’ve got is fine.”
Jax grabbed two cans of soda from the fridge. “You know, she’s just worried about you,”
“I get that, but she’s just adding to the anxiety I already feel about being home.”
“Ryanne, is dinner ready?” my dad asked, walking into the kitchen, but stopped abruptly when he saw Will. “Hi, I’m Dan, Ryanne and Jax’s father. I don’t believe we’ve met.”