by Love, Kristy
“Last time you were here, you seemed to be doing better. What happened?”
“I went out with Ryanne again. She told me she couldn’t be around me if nothing was going to develop between us. She said I was hurting her. All I ever do is hurt people. I hurt my parents and killed them. I hurt Aunt Liv by disrupting her life and then almost dying and causing her to worry. I hurt Ry by pushing her away. As if that isn’t bad enough, she thinks I’m intentionally trying to hurt her.”
I scratched so hard that I broke skin, blood trickling from my wrist, and the sight of the blood was my undoing. I felt nauseous, and guilt overwhelmed me as I watched the blood seep from the scratch. It wasn’t a lot of blood, but I had caused it. I had hurt myself even when I was trying not to. The guilt was too much and I bent over, burying my face in my hands, and cried.
I cried for hurting Ry and Aunt Liv.
I cried for killing my parents.
I cried for hurting me.
The pain I felt was washing over me in waves and I was drowning. All the progress I had made in the hospital had been undone in two weeks.
Dr. Thomas moved closer to me, rubbing a hand over my back. “We all make mistakes, Will. There is not a single person on this planet who hasn’t hurt someone, whether intentional or not. That doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human.”
She sat in the chair next to me and took the hand with the bleeding wrist in her own. She grabbed some tissues and pressed them to the wound. Not seeing the blood helped me. “You feel genuine regret and you would do anything to take back the mistakes you’ve made. That is important. If you showed no regret or compassion, then we’d have an entirely different situation on our hands. For you to be able to move forward with your life, you have to let it go. You will never forget, but you have to stop torturing yourself. You are doing nothing but hurting yourself.”
I sat quietly and pulled myself together, listening to her words. I had heard these kinds of statements over and over again, but it never seemed to sink in. This time, though, something clicked. I needed to forgive myself so I could move on with my life and I wanted to do that. I wanted to have a life full of friends and family and love, but I couldn’t do that as long as I kept punishing myself.
“I regret that this has happened to you, Will. I regret that you had to experience the tremendous loss you did that night. You’re still living, though, and you can’t keep punishing yourself.” I nodded, for the first time, accepting her words. “You’ve been too hard on yourself and it’s damaging you.”
“How do I stop?”
“You have to let it go. All the guilt and blame, let it go. It won’t happen all at once, but you stop holding it in such a tight fist and it’ll slowly dissipate.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding. “I understand.”
“I’m glad you called me so we could deal with this together instead of letting it fester and turn into a bigger problem.” She moved over to her chair. I continued pressing the tissue to my wrist, not looking up.
“I shouldn’t have scratched myself so hard.”
“Did you mean to hurt yourself?”
“No. I was anxious and, for some reason, I’ve been scratching myself when I’m anxious.”
“It’s okay. It was a mistake.” I nodded. “Tell mw what happened with Ryanne? Is that what caused you to become so upset?”
“I’ve made mistakes with her, too.” I sighed, hating that I had to relive that night, yet again. “Ryanne and I went out together twice, just as friends. I found it impossible to stay away from her. I always wanted to touch her, hold her, and be close to her, so I did. I would brush against her, hold her hand, kiss her forehead, hug her, but I’d always pull away, even when she would hold onto me. She asked me if I wanted to be something more with her and I told her I couldn’t.”
“Why can’t you?”
“Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I let her in to see all the mistakes I’ve made and what I’ve done, she’ll want nothing to do with me and I’m not sure I can deal with that.”
“So you haven’t told her about the night of the accident?”
“No.”
“How can you know what her reaction will be if you don’t open up and tell her? What if her reaction surprises you?”
“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her.”
“You can’t know what will happen until you talk to her, Will. If you care about her as much as you say you do, you need to know. It’s scary and it won’t be easy, but I have a feeling you’ll feel much better once it’s out in the open.”
“What if she doesn’t want anything to do with me, though?”
“Do you honestly believe that will happen?”
I thought about that. Knowing Ryanne, she would probably want to help me. I couldn’t imagine her turning her back on me, even if I did deserve it. “No.”
“Then stop asking yourself what if and do it.”
Ryanne
IT HAD BEEN TWO DAYS since I told Will I couldn’t be around him anymore. He hadn’t come back around since I’d told him I needed him to let me in.
I had known since I met him that something horrible had happened. I knew the way his parents died had an enormous impact on him and I knew it went beyond their deaths. Liv had hinted that other things had happened to him and Will himself had said he killed them.
I had just arrived to my class when I got a text from Will.
Will: Are you at home?
Ryanne: No. I’m in class. Is everything okay?
Will: When you get home, will you let me know? I need to talk to you.
Ryanne: Of course. I won’t be home until 10 or so.
Will: Okay. Let me know.
I hoped it meant he would open up and let me in.
Pulling into the driveway, I sent Will a text letting him know I was home. It was close to 11 and I knew Will wasn’t allowed out that late on school nights. Still, I hoped he’d be able to talk to me. I was dying to know what he wanted to say.
Climbing out of the car, I talked to Jax for a few minutes before going into my room. I waited until 11:30, then figured Will was probably already asleep. Disappointed, I went to take a shower to distract myself from the fact that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him until tomorrow after school. I wasn’t sure I could wait that long, but it didn’t look like I had a choice. I missed him even though I had seen him two days ago.
I turned the water on and let it warm up before stepping in. I heard my phone vibrate on the bathroom counter, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
I wrapped a towel around me when someone knocked on the door.
“Yeah?” I asked softly.
“Will’s here,” Jax said. “He’s waiting down in the living room for you.” I heard him shuffle back to his bedroom.
My heart jumped. I quickly dried off and threw on my PJ pants and shirt, then rushed downstairs, still towel drying my hair.
Will was sitting on the couch with his elbows resting on his knees and his head hanging down. “I’m sorry,” I said, breathless from running down the stairs. “I didn’t know you were coming over. I thought you would be asleep or something.” Will looked up at me and stopped any other words. His eyes were clouded with emotion and he looked tortured. I went over and sat next to him. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to talk to you and I’m not sure how to.”
I put my hand on his arm. “You can tell me anything, Will.”
“It’s not easy.” He swallowed and closed his eyes. “I’m scared of what you’ll do.”
“Just tell me. I promise I’ll listen.”
Then, he surprised me. He turned to me and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my head under his chin. He kissed the top of my forehead and sighed. “I need to hold you while I say it, okay? Because this might be the last chance I ever get to be this close to you.”
“You’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry.” He rubbed his hand over my back b
efore moving it to my hip. “You feel so perfect in my arms. The night my parents died … It’s not easy to talk about. I need you to know, Ry, but I’m afraid you’ll hate me.”
I took his face in my hands and looked into his eyes; seeing the anguish in them tore me in two. “Will, nothing you say to me will stop me from caring about you. Nothing.” I held his eyes as I brought my lips to his and gently pressed them together.
He tightened his arms around me and dropped his head onto my shoulder. “I went to a party the night my parents died. I told them my friends and I were getting together to hang out for my birthday and that his parents would be home. Nick was kind of a jerk, but I thought he was my best friend.” Will paused. I ran my fingers through his hair, my heart breaking before I even heard the rest of his story. When he continued speaking, his voice was full of such raw emotion, I clung to him.
He told me about what happened with a girl and the amount of jealousy that flooded me scared the hell out of me. I hated that she had touched him and humiliated him. I hated that his supposed friend had betrayed him that way. When he talked about getting into the car with Chase, I knew the ending of this story would rip me apart. He told me about his parents hanging in the car and watching them die and my heart shattered. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close to me as he continued talking through tears. When he finished, both of us were crying and clinging to each other. I took his face in my hands and raised his face to mine, brushing tears off his cheeks with my thumbs.
“I’m so, so sorry, Will. I had no idea.”
“It’s okay to hate me. I hate myself most days.”
I shifted so I was straddling his legs and leaned closer to him, forcing him to meet my eyes. “I absolutely do not hate you. My heart is broken for you, but I don’t hate you. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.”
He searched my eyes, then pulled me to him and held me as though he was afraid I was going to leave. His face was buried in my neck. I ran my fingers through his hair.
“I thought you would never want to see me again.”
“Just the opposite. I always want to see you.”
He chuckled softly against my neck and chills raced down my spine. His breath tickled my skin. “I always want to see you too.”
I wondered what that meant for us. “I’m glad. It seems we feel the same way.”
“It would seem so.” His face was still against my neck like he needed me to support him. I continued running my fingers through his hair and over his neck and back, wanting to offer him whatever small comfort I could. “It seems too good to be true.”
“What does?”
He lifted his head from my neck and the look in his eyes took my breath away. “That you’re still here. That you’ve heard everything I’ve done and you still want to be around me. You seem too good to be true.”
“It was an accident, Will. Forgive yourself. Your parents would.” I brushed a lock of hair off his forehead.
His eyes dropped to my lips before slowly meeting my eyes again. “I really want to kiss you,” he whispered.
“Then kiss me.”
He slid his hands up my sides to my face, cradling it between his palms. I held my breath, wanting him to close the gap between us more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. He brushed his thumb over my bottom lip, watching the motion. “You are so beautiful, inside and out. You have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.”
He slowly moved his face closer to mine. His eyes flicked up to mine briefly before he brought our lips together. It was gentle and soothing … comforting. I tangled my fingers in his hair, enjoying the slow pace of his kiss. After several long moments, he brushed his tongue against my lips and I opened them. His tongue swept into my mouth, awakening a hunger in him. His hand pressed against my lower back and his other hand tangled in my hair, holding me tight. Untangling one of my hands, I slid it down and under his shirt, wanting to feel his skin against mine. This was the most intimate moment I had ever experienced. We were undressing each other emotionally. I knew there would be no going back from this. It meant too much, the charge between us was too strong to ignore.
One of his hands slid under the back of my shirt and ran along my spine. I arched, pressing my chest into his, causing him to groan. His hand tightened in my hair, holding me still as he kept the punishing pace with his lips. I felt like he was devouring me slowly and it was exquisite.
I finally pulled away, breathless, and ran a finger over my swollen lips.
“I can’t go back from this, Ry,” he said, resting his forehead against mine.
“What do you mean?” I wanted him to say the words. I needed to hear them.
“I want you to be mine. I’ve had enough of running around and pretending there isn’t this incredible spark between us. I want you, all of you.” He untangled his fingers from my hair and pressed a quick kiss to my lips.
“I don’t want to go back from this either.”
A smile slowly spread over his lips. “Good.”
He kissed me again.
I was popping some popcorn and Jax was getting the movie ready while we waited for Will to show up.
“I forgot something up in my room. I’ll be right back,” Jax said, running up the stairs two at a time just as the doorbell rang. I opened the door and Will was there. He smiled at me and pulled me to him.
“Hey,” he said and kissed me.
“Hi.” We walked inside and he closed the door behind him.
“Where’s Jax?”
“He went up to his—”
I wasn’t able to get any other words out before he crashed his lips to mine. The kiss was full of passion and heat, his hands tangling in my hair and holding me tight against him. Our lips devoured and our hands were everywhere. He turned and pressed me against the wall. I couldn’t catch my breath or think straight. I knew I needed to tell him Jax would be right back, but I found it hard to care. All that mattered was Will’s lips on mine and his hands on me. He kissed me like he hadn’t seen me in years and he needed to make up for lost time.
We usually tried to not be overly affectionate in front of Jax because it was still weird. It was weird that he was my little brother and Will’s best friend, but at this particular moment, I didn’t care. In fact, I forgot Jax even existed.
As his hand slid under my shirt and stroked across my skin, Jax’s voice brought us crashing down to reality. “Fucking hell,” Jax said. Will yanked his lips from mine. “That is a sight I never want to fucking see again.” Jax stormed into the living room and flopped down on the couch.
Will turned back to me. “I’m sorry. I got a bit carried away.”
“It’s totally fine. You can get carried away any time you like.” I smiled at him. He kissed my forehead, grabbed my hand, and led me into the living room. He sat on the couch and pulled me down next to him. “Oh, I forgot the popcorn,” I said, trying to stand up off the couch, but Will grabbed me and pulled me back down. He kissed my temple.
“I’ll go get it. You stay here.”
As soon as Will was out of the room, Jax leaned closer to me. “That was disgusting and I’d prefer not to see you making out with my friend. Ever again.”
“I’m sorry, Jax,” I said, though I really wasn’t sorry at all.
“Yeah, yeah.” Jax sat in the chair across the room and crossed his arms over his chest, sulking. I wanted to laugh, but I fought the urge.
Will came back with the popcorn and sat next to me, resting his hand on my leg. Jax started the movie. As we watched, I relaxed into Will, really enjoying this new relationship with him. We hadn’t named it, exactly, but I didn’t care. I could touch him when I wanted to and he kissed me like he couldn’t get enough of me. The busy week caught up with me and I shifted so my head was in Will’s lap. Jax scowled at me, but kept his mouth shut. I was tempted to tell him to keep his nasty looks to himself, but Will started running his fingers over my scalp and through my hair. It felt like heaven and I didn’t want i
t to stop. Before I knew it, my eyelids were droopy and I fell asleep.
I opened my eyes and saw Will above me. I was cradled in his arms as he carried me up the stairs. He glanced down and smiled. “Hey, sleepyhead.”
“Hey. I missed the movie.”
“Yeah, you didn’t even make it twenty minutes.” He carried me into my room and laid me down on my bed and pulled the covers up to my chin.
“You should have woken me up. I wanted to see that one.”
“We can watch it another day. You looked way too cute to wake up.”
“You’re sweet.”
“You’re gorgeous. It seems we’re even.” He grinned. “You should go back to sleep.”
“I don’t want you to leave.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me.
“Scoot over. I’ll lie down with you a few moments, but then I really do have to go.” I moved closer to the wall and Will climbed in bed next to me, making sure he stayed above the covers. Pulling his arm under my head, I rested my head on it and snuggled closer to his chest. “If Aunt Liv finds out about this, she’ll kill me.”
Will’s arm was around my waist and his leg was thrown over mine. “Then we’ll make sure she never finds out.” Lying in his arms was so comforting. He kissed my forehead and I tipped my face up to catch his lips, kissing him slowly for a few minutes before sighing and tucking my head under his chin.
“This is nice.”
“This is heaven,” he said. “Go to sleep, sweet girl.” I smiled and pressed myself closer to him, falling asleep with a smile.
Falling asleep with Will.
Will
I WOKE UP SLOWLY, BLINKING. I didn’t recognize the purple walls and I had no idea where I was. Looking down, I saw Ryanne still asleep curled around me. Her head rested on my chest and half of her body was draped over mine. I ran my fingers through her hair, content, and it took a few moments to realize I needed to leave before Aunt Liv found out I hadn’t come home last night. I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be if she found out and I didn’t really want to find out.
I slowly pulled my arm out from underneath Ryanne so I didn’t wake her up. She made a noise and rolled over. I climbed from the bed, then kissed her forehead and crept from the room. As I pulled her door shut slowly, Jax slapped me on the back.