Jake stretched out next to me, our arms pressed together and both of us staring up at the ceiling. We had been in this same position countless times in our lives.
How many times had Jake lay next to me just talking or listening or sharing the silence with me? How many times had he been there for me through the years? Right next to me, ready to take on the world to protect me.
And I had practically thrown that world in his face and turned my back.
I knew there was a reason for what I had done, but the guilt was still so heavy.
"Ending it won't make you forget it, Ari," Jake muttered softly. "I think it would be a good idea to get some help. Talk to someone that knows how to help you through it."
I had already told him I didn't want to talk about it with anyone let alone a therapist that would make me relive every single detail.
"Jake, I-"
"I know. You don't want to. I think it would help, though, and sometimes we have to do shit we don't want to do. Sometimes we have to just suck it up and do it for the people that love us and don't want to see us suffering anymore."
I turned my head to see him covering his eyes with his hand and frowning. If only he knew how well I understood doing shit I didn't want to do. "Okay. I'll think about it. Just let me try to do this on my own first."
"I will, but if I see that it's too much…"
"Fine."
"Good, because if not then I will have to call Mom and Dad," he whispered with a smile and uncovered his eyes before he turned his head to look over at me.
"You promised you wouldn't."
"I did. So that just means you'll have to stay out of trouble and listen to me, right? I know some shit and you're my sister. I'm your hero right now so brownie points for me and my vast knowledge of the world."
"God, you haven't changed a bit," I smiled.
His laugh was a low rumble in his chest, a man's laugh. He reached out and tapped my nose. "I missed you, little sis. Talking to someone helped me when I was dealing with my crap, it could help you, too. I just want you to be happy."
"I'll get there."
"I know you will. We'll help."
I sighed. There was that "we" again. I may have turned to my brother for help and support, but that didn't mean I was going to let him bring a whole army of people to suffer in my stead. Especially Jack.
I turned my eyes back to the invisible ceiling, refusing to look at his face when I told him how much I didn't want Jack's help. "Jake -"
"Try and stop him, Ari, but you won't get anywhere. He wants to help as much as I do. We were all really close and we still can be. Don't force him to step back and watch because you'll only be disappointed."
How the hell he knew I was about to argue with him about Jack, I had no idea. I wasn't surprised by what he said, just hopeful that it wouldn't matter and that I could still keep Jack out of it.
"He cares about you, Ari. More than you realize."
I scoffed, then flinched when my ribs smarted. "I highly doubt that. If anything, he cares about me like he would an annoying little sister and even then, how could he abandon his annoying little sister and best friend?"
As usual, Jake was silent for a long moment, thinking before speaking like he always did with me. The only sounds in the room were our breaths and the occasional squeak of the springs beneath us when we made the slightest movement.
"You've got a lot to learn and a lot to discover," Jake whispered into the darkness.
I pulled my eyes away from the ceiling and looked at my big brother. The moonlight streaming in from the window helped me see the seriousness of his expression. He knew a lot of things that he never shared with me. Things he should have shared, but I never forced him to. Deep down, I think I didn't really want to know.
I frantically searched for a topic that would change the heaviness we were feeling. "Why didn't you tell me he was living with you?"
Jake chuckled softly, "Because, technically, he isn't. He is remodeling a good piece of his house and has been staying here until it's completed. Closer to work and all."
"He owns a house?"
"Yeah," he responded. "Has for a while now. He's pretty good when it comes to running a business and he's smart with numbers. For some reason, he can make them bigger just by thinking about it."
"I see his nerdy ways haven't changed."
Jake laughed outright, "Not by much, but he covers it up with all the other shit. He helps me in the shop all the time, has some clients of his own. He's better than I am with the tats, but he refuses to do it full time. Insists on being a silent partner, though."
"Where has he been, Jake?" I asked quietly, masking the hurt in my voice and the years of pain since he left us.
"Around," he replied vaguely then continued when I tossed my best glare at him. "He's been traveling here and there. School stuff, work stuff, business stuff. He's been trying to make a name for himself, getting in a position where he can settle down and live out the rest of his life in peace."
"He seems pretty peaceful, that's for sure," I bit out, immediately regretting the hostility in my voice. I could already feel that heavy weight of worry slide off of me. I had always hoped Jack would follow his dreams and hearing that he had at least chased them, well, that made me happy.
"He deserves it, Ari. You don't know what we went through back then, the shit Jack took for me. He left because I forced him to."
"What?"
Jake hesitated, as if he hadn't meant to say what he did and was trying to find a way out of the conversation. There was no way I was going to let him.
"Please, Jake. Tell me the truth."
He grumbled under his breath about pushy little sisters, then gave me what I asked for. "We both did some stuff that would have put us away for a long time if anyone found out. I covered for him, he covered for me. The only way to keep us both out of prison was for one of us to leave. Mom and Dad weren't in a position to just pick up and leave everything behind. The Garrett's were, though, so I made Jack leave. You know Jack Sr. and Carol, they don't need much of an explanation when it comes to their children and money was never an issue, so they did what we asked them to do."
"And?"
"And…" he paused and closed his eyes. "And that's it. The details aren't important and everyone has the right to their secrets. Just know that he wouldn't have left if I hadn't forced him to."
I stayed quiet. Let him have the last word if that's what he wanted.
That's it.
I knew that wasn't it. I knew the truth about what he claimed they both did. I knew exactly what would have put my brother away for years, but he had no clue how much I actually did know. He would go crazy if he did. It's the reason Roger had me in a chokehold, the reason I stayed for so long. A secret that would have come out if I hadn't stayed, but Jake couldn't know that. I wouldn't let him feel the guilt I knew would consume him.
I suddenly couldn't bring myself to say any more. I felt horrible for hating Jack so deeply and for so long. He had done what my brother requested and I trusted my brother more than anyone on this earth. If Jake said there was a good reason, there was a good reason.
Years of anger towards the one man I had fallen so hard for, years of questions for the one man that knew me better than anyone because he took the time to know me. So much time wasted.
Memories of my 21st birthday came rushing back . He came to town for a visit and the look on his face when he saw me after being gone for so long was almost priceless in the worst way. I had ignored it. I had thought he deserved it even though I knew it didn't matter to him that I was with someone. He had only been interested in protecting me like he protected Amanda.
I had been so sure I was over him.
Then I show up here and, very literally, fall right back into his arms and I realized that if anything, I was even more invested in the man now than I had been so long ago.
Jake confirmed that he could practically hear the wheels turning in my head when he asked me th
e one question I could never answer honestly.
"Why didn't you leave, Ari?"
Tears immediately rushed to the surface and I couldn't swallow past the huge lump in my throat. I was so sick of crying.
Why didn't I leave? Because I was protecting you.
"I thought he would change," I said flatly, the line rehearsed more times than I could count. "He had been so different in the beginning. I thought it was something I did, something I could fix."
"Bullshit! You're smarter than that and you know I know that."
He was watching me now. Seeing the lies that I was about to spew before I even knew what to say.
"I'll only believe the truth, little sis. And I don't think you want to give me the truth," his voice cracked and I felt a hot tear fall out of the corner of my eye and over my temple, wetting my hair and reminding me that I would always have plenty of tears, no matter how hard I fought them.
Always.
I hated that fact almost as much as I hated the man that had torn my life apart.
"I know you thought you were in love," Jake acknowledged, almost painfully. "I know you thought you knew what love was, but you never really did. You cared for him, but your eyes weren't shut and you were never the type of person to be manipulated like that. To stay somewhere you weren't loved back."
I couldn't speak, but then I didn't really need to. Jake's arms came around my shoulders and he pulled me into his chest. He surrounded me with his love, his protection, and the peace I had always wanted to feel. A peace that wouldn't last if I couldn't pull myself out of this hideous situation. I needed to fix things and fast.
"You're loved here, Ari. You don't need to open your eyes to know that."
And I didn't. I kept my eyes shut and let my brother hold me.
He stayed with me the rest of the night, until long after I had fallen into a dreamless sleep. Dreamless except for one face that I saw all night long. The face I had seen every night since I was a young girl.
Jack Garrett was still embedded in my heart like a thorn, but the ache wasn't so bad anymore.
***
"She doesn't need a reason, Jake. She just needs to be safe. At least for right now."
"I'm not convinced that there isn't something else going on, Amanda. She's too smart and too sure of herself to stay with a man like that. The fucker did something to make her stay and it had to be something big."
"She was, Jake. She was too smart and sure of herself. Now I'm not saying she isn't anymore so don't look at me like that. You know I've always loved her like a sister and it tore me apart when she was gone for so long without a trace. But you have to realize that she is a different person now. She has seen things that can do nothing but change a person."
"Please, Amanda. Just try to find out. Help me fix this for her."
I thought I had been dreaming until Jake's voice cracked. I opened my eyes - well my eye - and tried to figure out where I was. I knew it was my brother in the kitchen with Amanda Garrett, but how the hell were they here?
I started to roll over and it all came flooding back with the pain in my ribs, my ankle, my face. Roger had found me and I had run to my brother.
"Oh, sweet Jesus," I groaned as the pain took my breath away.
"Ari?"
Amanda appeared next to my bed and put a hand on my forehead. "Son of a - Jake find my thermometer."
Her cool touch was so nice, I wanted to hold her hand there and not let her take it away, but I could barely lift my arms. I whimpered when she pulled her hand away and the swirling sensation in my head felt like it was pulling me off the bed. Like one of those fun house bridges with the turning walls, tricking my head into thinking I couldn't balance.
"Ari, sweetie, how are you doing?" Amanda whispered as she leaned over me.
I stared up into her blue eyes, my vision blurry. "It hurts."
"I know," she frowned. "It will for a while. I'm going to have you take some more pain medication after you have something to eat. You need to rest and we need to get your fever down."
Fever?
How the hell could I have a fever? I wasn't sick.
"Jake!"
"I'm right here." Jake suddenly appeared next to her and handed her a strange looking thermometer that she slid over my forehead to my temple. It beeped and she stared down at the reading with an angry scowl.
"Jake, call Jack and tell him to pick up some Tylenol on the way back. Her fever isn't extremely high, but I don't want to take any chances."
Jake stepped away quickly and I heard him tapping on his cell phone before he started giving orders to Jack on the other end. I tried to center myself and focus on only one area of pain and not the heat burning through my skin.
"You need to go to the hospital," Amanda said when I opened my eye again. "This is just stupid and you know it."
"I can't, Amanda. Please, just trust me."
"You need to tell me what is going on, Arianna," she whispered harshly and glanced back quickly to make sure Jake was out of earshot. "He will figure it out eventually, you know that. I promise I'll help in any way I can, but you have to be honest or things could go really bad for you."
I shut my eye and sighed. I knew she was right and I knew I was being stupid, but I hadn't even had the chance to think of any other way to do this.
"I'll tell you, Amanda, but you have to swear to me that you won't tell Jake or Jack. No one, because I'm still trying to figure things out and you know as well as I do that they will go off and do something they will regret later."
She nodded, her lips pressed into a tight line letting me know she didn't like it, but that she was still giving me her word.
Jake came back to the bed, his eyes filled with worry. "He's on his way. Is there anything we can do right now?"
Amanda shook her head and gave him a weak smile. "No. She is okay, talking and coherent. She just needs to rest. Make her something light to eat and bring me a bottle of water or two."
Jake didn't hesitate and immediately moved to do her bidding.
"How the hell did you do that?" I asked, my wide eye sloppily following my brother's steps back to the kitchen.
She giggled and put her hand back on my forehead. "I've changed, too. We all have. Jake is stubborn, but he knows when it's time to listen. He wants to listen."
"Amanda, you -"
"No. I know. I'm just saying that he will when you need him to."
"Thank you," I breathed out and closed my eye again as the ache in my head turned into a pounding that I just couldn't stop.
"You will tell me everything later. Right now, lie still, eat, take the medication I give you and don't argue."
"Yes, ma'am."
She scoffed and I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.
I did what she told me to, just like everyone else. When Jack arrived, I had just finished the toast and jam Jake had brought out to me, fighting to keep it down. He handed over the Tylenol and asked how I was feeling. I told him I was fine and he just nodded and walked down the hall to shut himself in his room.
"Don't be offended," Amanda said as she handed me a few different pills. "Finding you the way he did... that is going to take a while to get over."
I swallowed the pills and washed them down with the last of my water before she helped me settle into the mattress and closed the blinds. She talked to Jake for a minute before he said goodbye and that he would be back soon once he finished up with a few clients. Amanda had told him not to worry and reminded him that he was directly beneath us if we needed him.
It was enough to get him to leave the apartment with the promise that he would check in every half hour.
Jack had left the apartment at some point without saying anything to anyone, but he did look at me. He didn't smile and he didn't frown. Just stood by me for a moment, staring down in my one eye until he apparently couldn't take it anymore.
Then he was gone.
No one said a word about it which only made my stress levels height
en. I didn't know what was going through his head and it was extremely annoying. Guess I deserved it after everything I had said to him.
"You aren't allowed to get out of that bed unless one of us helps you. At least for now. When you start feeling more like yourself again, then we'll talk," Amanda informed me as she sat next to my hip.
"Thanks, Amanda. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this."
"I wouldn't be anywhere else. Not when my best friend needs me and is finally letting me help," she replied matter-of-factly.
Guilt swamped me and Amanda saw it. She leaned down and hugged me gently. "Let it go a bit for now. We're here, you're here. There isn't anything you need to worry about at the moment."
The drugs were kicking in so all I could do was blink heavily. I felt her hand on my forehead once more and heard her sigh before I was pulled under. The sound of footsteps filtered through my foggy mind. A door opened and shut sometime later, the mattress moved, but I couldn't open my eyes for any of it.
The only thing that processed was a smell. A spicy, warm scent that I would know anywhere. But that couldn't be right. Jack would've had to be right next to me for it to be that strong.
Then it was gone and I was still on the edge of sleep until I finally slipped fully under.
***
"No, Jake. I don't need your help today. We're just fine without you," I growled at my overbearing brother.
It had been a week and two days and I was finally feeling like I could move on my own without fearing the pain would make me pass out. Amanda had been there every day helping me bathe, dress, and just move around. Jake was always right behind me and had been there to help where I needed it in the beginning.
Unfortunately for both of us, it was harder to move into the bathtub than I thought it would be. Jake had wanted to carry me, but I refused.
Amanda smiled every time I lit into my brother for smothering me and it only made him try harder. I think he secretly liked annoying me because I overheard another conversation when they thought I was sleeping.
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