by L. P. Maxa
He sat back, finally meeting my eyes. “I’m doing this to protect her.” I knew he was. I knew he’d do anything to make sure that Avory was safe and happy. Because I did the same for Halen. Every choice I made, every step I took, it was all for her. She was the only thing that mattered to me. And Avory was the only thing that mattered to Crue. Even above his twin brother, his best friend.
Didn’t make it right though. “Cash isn’t you. He can’t do that. You’ve seen him with the girls. He cares so damn much. He can’t handle what you’re asking of him. It’ll destroy him. Break him.” Crue was a player from day one. Cash? Not so much. He’d never use a girl for sex. He was kind and polite, and he cared about everyone around him more than he cared about himself. As evidenced by the fact that he was doing this for Crue and Avory.
Crue scoffed. “Cash is loving his life and is living pretty damn well right now, okay?”
“No. He’s not loving his life. He’s drowning in yours. I know you’re doing it to protect Avory. I know your heart is in the right place. But you’ve got to stop. It’s not right, not to Cash and not to those girls he’s fucking.” When I heard the Razor in the distance I got up, using a small bucket to get water from the lake.
Crue rose to his feet, gathering empty beer bottles and throwing them in the cooler. “Those girls? They don’t give a shit which twin they’re with. They like the name, they like the body and they like being with rock and roll royalty. I’m a game to them. I’m a good story to tell, that’s all.”
I tossed the water on the flames then kicked some dirt over the steaming pile for good measure. “So you and Avory get to live happily ever after, and Cash gets to live a life he’d never in a million years choose for himself? Seems fair, man. Glad you’re not my twin.”
“Right. Because you’re so fucking perfect, Beau? You destroyed the girl you love. You shattered her.” He took a step closer to me, anger written all over his face. “Want to talk about ruining Cash’s life? How about you asking him to watch out for Halen? Bringing him into your shit and making her his responsibility? You gave him a fucking full-time job.” He gestured back toward our houses. “Apparently, according to Landry, Halen is shell of who she used to be. You did that. No one else, man, just you. I’d never do that to Avory, I love her too damn—”
“Enough.” I shook my head, my voice strong and clipped. “You don’t know the meaning of the word, you little shit,” I scoffed. “Come talk to me the day you put your hand on her stomach, touching the life you created inside her.” I was yelling into the night, not even sure if I was still talking to Crue or just to the universe. “When you’ve seen her at her happiest, and then a day later, broken and crying. Experiencing a loss that you could never even fathom.” I felt the tears forming in my eyes. “You think I wanted to leave her? Are you fucking insane? Halen is my reason for living. She’s my reason for breathing. I’ve wanted nothing more than to love that girl from here to eternity since I can remember—”
“Then why’d you go? Explain it to me, make me understand.” Crue beseeched, his voice as loud as mine.
I dropped my head, suddenly exhausted. “I left so she could have a life. A good life. A life her parents would approve of. A life where she got to finish high school then go to college and be exactly who she wanted to be. Halen always deserved better than some guy she had to sneak around with, some guy who knocked her up in a tree house.” I wiped at my eyes with both hands, not allowing my tears to fall. “I was scared when she told me she was pregnant. Terrified. She was so young, and no one knew about us. But she was happy, incredibly positive that everything was going to be okay.” I smiled, recalling that day in her bedroom, a handful of pregnancy tests. “Her excitement was contagious. And after a day or so, I was just as excited. Just as ready. But then she lost the baby and I lost a part of who I was.”
“So you decided that leaving Halen alone and broken was the best choice?”
I took a deep, calming breath. “I decided that leaving was the right thing to do. That letting her be young and be with her friends—letting her have the life her parents wanted her to have, the life she should have wanted for herself—was the best choice.” I looked off into the distance, seeing the lights of the Razor. “I was too old for her then. If she’d stayed with me, she’d have left school and grown up too quickly. She would have wanted to leave the ranch, leave her family. She’d have wanted another baby.” My voice cracked on my last words, my heart aching in my chest. “She’d have wanted a life that wasn’t good enough for her.”
Chapter Nine
Halen
“Good morning, sweetheart, how was last night? Did you have fun catching up with your cousins?”
My dad kissed the top of my head before sitting down next to me at our kitchen table. Aunt Bryan had made muffins and sent some with Crue to our house. I was sure he’d volunteered to bring them over, as I was sure he had his hands all over Avory under the table. “Yeah. It was great.” I tried to add a bunch of fake excitement into my answer.
“Wonderful. I know you’ve missed Landry and Beau these last couple of years.” I wasn’t sure missed was the right word to use when it came to Beau. My first love. My only love. I’d longed for him, and I’d cursed him. I’d tried to forget about him. But missed? That didn’t seem to fit.
Dad turned to Crue and Avory. “What are you two planning for the rest of the weekend?”
Avory bit her lip, trying to hide a smile or a moan; there was no telling which at that point. “Cash, Crue, and I have a party to go to tonight down by the lake. The whole baseball team will be there.”
“On a Sunday? Don’t you have school tomorrow?”
She shook her head. “Actually, we don’t. It’s an in-service day.”
Dad looked up from his plate and then over at Crue. “You’ll take care of my girl?”
“Of course, Uncle Dash.” He smiled big. Yeah, I bet he’d take care of her.
Dad glanced over at me. “What about you, Hales? I’m sure you have something planned with Landry and Beau, huh?”
I shrugged. “Not really.” I pushed around the fruit on my plate. “I can hang here with the younger kids if you guys want to go do something. I don’t mind.” Babysitting Marley and Emmie used to work well at helping me fly under the radar. The parents were too relieved that they had a sitter for the night to question why I spent so much time at home. Now Emmie was the youngest, and she had just turned fourteen.
“No, you go out, have some fun. We need to get the details of Jared’s memorial ironed out anyhow. I’m sure we’ll just end up sitting down at the pool house sharing a bottle of whiskey and reminiscing.” My dad sent me a small smile.
I knew that Jared’s death meant something to him, to my uncles. I wanted to feel for them, to ache for their loss. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it for some reason. I’d never really heard anyone utter a kind word about the man until he’d died. Hell, he’d tried to kill my mother. “You sure? I could keep Emmie and Marley here, we could have a slumber party.”
Crue spoke around a mouthful of muffin, spitting some out onto the table. “I’m sure Jett and Marley will want to tag along with us to the lake.”
“And Emmie is spending the weekend at her friend’s house, remember?” Avory piped in. Apparently Crue was done torturing her because the flush had left her face. “They have some big school project due on Tuesday.”
I held in my annoyed sigh. “Well, Evie will be home today, right? I’m sure we’ll just end up hanging out here.” Evie didn’t like going out. She’d been a homebody long before I’d turned into one. She’d be more than happy to spend the evening watching movies with me.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. Evie isn’t coming home until the day before the memorial. She’s has some sorority function she can’t miss.” My dad polished off his breakfast and then took his plate to the sink.
Great. Evie got out of not being home all week and Beau didn’t? The universe hated me. It wanted me to suffer. All
my cousins were too old for babysitters, my only ally in lameness was off living it up on a college campus, and I was stuck here. Having to spend time with Beau—the guy who’d demolished my heart—so our parents didn’t catch on about the things that had happened between us. It sucked. When my dad walked out of the room I let my forehead fall to the table with a loud thud. “FML.”
“The parents are going to be occupied, they won’t notice where you’re going or who you’re with.” Crue patted my head like I was a sick dog. “Just come to the lake with us for a couple hours, then you can head home and hide in your room until your little heart’s content.”
I groaned, speaking into the wood. “Didn’t we go over this already? A college chick hanging at a high school party? That’s not lame at all.”
Avory muttered, “Not nearly as lame as a college chick offering to babysit her fourteen-year-old cousin to get out of leaving the house.”
I turned my face to the side, glaring at my sister and resting my cheek against the cool surface. “I hate you.”
“No. You don’t.” She got up and pulled Crue to his feet next to her. “Come with us tonight. I promise you’ll have a good time, Hales.”
I sighed and sat up straight, sticking my fork aggressively into a grape. “Okay.” They walked out the front door and seconds later I heard Crue’s truck engine turn over with a loud rumble.
Crue and Avory had it made. They had plenty of reasons to be coming and going at all hours together. They were in the same grade; they had practice together after school, games on Fridays and all the same friends. Maybe if things had been that easy for Beau and me… I gave myself a mental shake. Nope. That line of thinking was not healthy, and it was not going to make getting through the next week any easier. I just needed to stay busy and keep my mind clear of anything Beau-related.
“Honey, Beau is here.”
Seriously? I got up and headed to the front door where Beau was standing next to my mother. He looked so damn good. His dark hair was messy, and his jeans were slung low on his hips. My mom was beaming at me, so happy that her nephew was home. So happy that he and I were able to spend time together. I knew what her mom brain was thinking. I knew she was ruminating about us playing together as kids, me following him around all over the place. Nostalgic. That’s where her head was. Mine? I was picturing first kisses, first times, and first heartbreak.
“Hey, you want to go for a ride?”
I schooled my facial expression into one of veiled excitement because that would have been my response two years ago. “Sure.” Of course, I was lying. I did not want to climb on the back of his bike. I did not want to be alone with him. I did not want any part of what he had planned. But my mom was standing there with that darn goofy smile on her face, just waiting for me to say yes. I kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door.
Beau put his hand on my back and I automatically spun in a circle, getting away from his touch. He clenched his hands at his side. “I’m sorry. Old habits, I guess.”
I shook my head, my arms crossed over my long-sleeved Texas Forever t-shirt. “Please don’t do that. Please don’t act like being near me is normal.”
He climbed on his bike and held a helmet out toward me. “I promise I won’t touch you again, but we do need to talk.” I didn’t make a move toward him. Talk? Now I wanted to go even less, if that was possible. He waved the helmet around. “Your mom is watching, Hales. Please get on the bike.”
I wanted to run back in my house and hide under my covers until he left. But I wasn’t a child, and I didn’t want to make my mom worried. So I put on my helmet and swung my leg over his seat. At least he hadn’t called me Sweets, and he’d already promised not to touch me again. I could do this. I could make it through the next hour with Beau.
I put my hands on his hips, and he didn’t instruct me to hold him tighter. He knew I would refuse, just like I knew he’d drive slowly to accommodate my slack grip. I didn’t rest my cheek on his back. I didn’t put my nose to his white t-shirt to see if he still smelled the same. I didn’t do anything but watch the landscape whirl by. I refused to get sucked in by the familiar feel of being behind him on his bike.
About twenty minutes later we pulled off the main road, coming to a stop under the canopy of a large oak tree. I knew this road, and I knew that we wouldn’t see one car drive by the whole time we were here. I removed the helmet and got off, setting it on my now vacant seat. I walked a few feet away, shaking out my hair. “What do you want, Beau?”
He came toward me, but stopped a good three feet away. “We need to talk Hales, I—”
“No. See. That’s where you’re wrong. We have nothing we need to talk about, nothing at all. You broke up with me, you moved away. I got over it and I moved on.”
“We’re going to be on the compound together for the next four days. We need to be able to get along, and I can feel how much you—”
“I’m fine.” I stood up straighter, raising my chin. “We’re fine. Just stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.” I had to be strong, be disconnected. The second I let my guard down, the second I let him back in? It would be all over for me.
Beau was my weakness; he always had been. Forgiveness was a slippery slope when it came to my first love. I wasn’t so naïve that I couldn’t see that.
“You know that’s not possible, Sweets—”
“Don’t you dare call me that.” My voice had a cold, hard edge that I’d never heard before.
“I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry and I’m fine. The saddest pair of his and hers mantras there ever was. “Don’t be. It’s over.”
He let out a humorless chuckle. “That’s the thing though, Hales. I don’t think it is over, not for you.”
Not for me? What the hell did that mean? Was it over for him? He’d just moved on, one hundred percent okay, with no residual ache in his chest. That sorry ass mother—
“Seeing you with Cash last night, listening to the way Crue talks about you? You haven’t moved on, and you aren’t fine. Stop pretending you are and talk to me.” He was basically pleading with me, begging me to let him in. To confide in him like I used to. Fat chance.
I snorted. “How do you know I’m not actually dating Cash?” I had no fudging clue why I said that. Date Cash? He was two years younger than me and like my little brother. What was wrong with me?
Beau let out a somewhat annoyed sigh. “Well. First of all, because I know you don’t look at Cash that way. And second? I’m almost positive that Crue has Cash pretending to be him, whoring him out all over the damn school.”
“Wait. What? Is that why they’ve been dressing alike?” He opened his mouth to explain further but I cut him off. “You know what? Never mind. I’ll just talk to the twins myself.” I pointed a finger in his direction. “Either way, I’m none of your concern.”
“Yes you are,” he screamed, his voice carrying through the trees, his hands thrown up in the air. “You’re my family, Hales. I’ll always worry about you. I’ll always want to make sure you are okay. And I know you aren’t. I know that you’re still not over—”
“You have a lot of nerve, you know that?” I narrowed my eyes and took a menacing step toward him, finally done with this whole encounter. “Bringing me out here to put me down? Oh, poor little Halen got her heart broken by Beau the bad boy.” I sneered. “Like I’m the first girl to ever get dumped by you? Please. I bet you’ve left a trail of broken hearts across the country. Why am I so special? Why are you out here trying to make sure I’m okay? You sure as shit didn’t care about my wellbeing when you walked out.”
“Halen. I’m not trying to put you down or make you sound like some sad scorned chick. What we had was—”
“Was a mistake.” I didn’t mean that and saying it out loud brought tears to my eyes.
I watched as he took his lower lip between his teeth, letting out a quick exhale, his hands punched onto his trim hips. “We both know that you didn’t mean that, so I’m going t
o just forget that you even said it.” He lifted his head, his gaze fixed on mine, rendering me speechless. “I also know that the last thing you want is for your parents to find out what happened between us, or even suspect that something isn’t right. So, I brought you out here to clear the air. To say what needed to be said so that we can act a little closer to normal around the rest of the family.”
“Well, like I said, I’m fine and I don’t have any air that needs to be cleared.” I kicked at a rock near my foot, sending it sailing into the road. “I appreciate the gesture, but it was unnecessary. You broke my heart, Beau. You didn’t break my spirit.”
Chapter Ten
Beau
You broke my heart, Beau. You didn’t break my spirit. Her words went straight to my heart and ripped it wide open. We stood there on the side of the road, silently letting her statement float between us.
When I’d woken up that morning, I’d had no intention of going to find Halen. No plans to bring her out on my bike, no designs to make her talk or help her heal. I’d woken up assuming I’d spend the day with my sister and my parents catching up and hanging out at the compound. But no. My parents had things to work on for my bio father’s memorial. And Landry had already promised Marley that she would take her into Austin to see some movie they both loved at Drafthouse. So. With nothing left to do other than stew and think, I’d wound up at Halen’s. I stood there for several minutes without knocking. I knew I should have turned around and gone home. I knew she wouldn’t have wanted to see me. But the moment I’d turned to leave, Aunt Lexi had opened the door.
Now, here we were. Halen had tears in her eyes, and I had a pain in my chest so severe I knew what a heart attack felt like, what it meant to gasp for air. And yet, like the idiot I was, I plowed on. “I know that you will never understand my reasons for leaving. I don’t expect you to. But I need for you to know that I did love you, Halen. I loved you with every part of my being.”