by Ava Bell
I can hear something in his voice, as though he’s unsure about something. “Of course you can, Sam. Ellie will be so excited to see you.”
Sam and I talk briefly about how things are going. He gives me his latest tour schedule and what days he plans on being here in Savannah. He knows I would never say no to him when it comes to Ellie, but he feels it’s necessary to ask for my permission to see her. I feel a strange loneliness I’ve never felt before after I say goodbye and hang up. I feel as if my emotions change like the tide, and realize there’s a missing piece in my life. And as I think about Josh, I know my feelings are strong for him, but not strong enough to love him like he deserves to be loved. There’s only one person that makes me feel whole and that’s Sam. I only wish I could tell him, but the resentment he harbors may be too much for us to overcome.
It’s been twenty-four hours since my MRI and I’m a mess. I try to keep upbeat and positive while I wait, but I still have an overwhelming sense of dread that I can’t seem to shake. On my drive into work the next day, I get a call from Josh, and he wants me to know that he is going to bring me dinner on my break.
The first part of my shift flies by, and when I finally walk into the break room Josh is sitting at the table with what looks like a gourmet meal.
“Wow, what do we have here?” I look at all the different containers of sweet and sour chicken, fried rice, and noodles.
“I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I walked in here.” Josh hands me a plate and I load it up until I have a little bit of everything.
He looks at me with a sweet grin on his face. “You look tired,” he says, kissing my hand.
“I’m beat. It’s been a madhouse since I got here,” I say, taking a bite. “Mmm, this is good.”
And just before my break is over, Josh hands me a fortune cookie. “Here, you can’t eat Chinese food without having a fortune cookie.”
He watches as I break it in half and pull out the fortune. “Will you marry me?” The small slip of paper contains his proposal.
I swallow hard, looking up at Josh, and he has a big smile on his face. I was not expecting this, even though there were small subtle hints here and there. . But nothing as straight and forward as this. I know he can sense my hesitation. When he clears his throat, I look up and see the hurt in his eyes.
“Josh, can we talk about this tomorrow?” I ask. He slowly stands and kisses the top of my head.
“Maggie, I don’t think we need to talk. You’ve already given me your answer. I told you I wasn’t going to give you up that easily, but I can’t make you love me, not like you love him.” And I watch him slowly walk out. I lay my head in my hands, wanting to let it all out . . . but I can’t, not here.
After my shift I hurry home so I can see Ellie before she leaves for pre- school. She’s waiting at the door when I pull into the driveway. As I’m getting out of the car my phone rings, and looking down at the screen, I see it’s my doctor’s office. I feel a rush of nausea wash over me, but I need to answer it. “Hello?” I say, climbing the steps.
“Maggie, this is Janet with Dr. Mirabile’s office. I would like to make an appointment for you to come in. Dr. Mirabile would like to go over your test results.” My heart starts to pound and it feels as though it will explode through my chest.
“Okay, can I come today?” My head starts to spin as I sit on the lower step.
“I think we can fit you in. Let me put you on hold. I’ll be right back.”
I turn and see Ellie with her Hello Kitty backpack slung over her shoulder. I smile and hold up my finger, telling her to wait.
“Maggie, can you be here at ten this morning?” she asks.
“Yes, I’ll be there.”
When I stand my legs feel like jelly. It must have been the look on my face that told my aunt that something was wrong. I hug and kiss Ellie before sending her off to the car. When I turn to go into the house, Aunt Virginia grabs my arm and pulls me to her.
“What’s wrong, Maggie?” she says, looking into my eyes. I know there’s no way to hide it from her anymore as the tears start to form in my eyes. “We can talk when you get back. I’ll be upstairs.” I hug her and head up the steps.
When I walk out of the bathroom, Aunt Virginia is sitting on my bed. I sit down and take a deep breath.
“I found a lump under my arm while Josh and I were in Cancun.” She lowers her head and I hold her hand as I go over everything. I try to keep an upbeat and positive tone during our conversation. I tell her about the MRI and what they are expecting to find. “I’m not going to get myself worked up over this, Aunt Virginia, and I don’t want you to either.” She nods and stands up.
“I’m going with you to that appointment,” she says, walking towards the door.
“Okay, you can go with me,” I say. Her smile is forced though, and it’s clear she’s already worried.
I sit and fidget in the exam room of the doctor’s office while Aunt Virginia flips through a magazine. The minutes seem like hours while I wait to see the doctor. My heart stops when the door opens and I hold my breath as Dr. Mirabile shakes my hand.
“Hello, Maggie. I’m Dr. Mirabile,” he says. “I’m sorry for the wait. I hope it wasn’t too long.”
“No problem, Dr. Mirabile, I’m just really anxious to hear what the results are.”
I can feel my insides begin to shake while Dr. Mirabile looks through my file page by page. Aunt Virginia holds my hand while she stands next to me.
“Maggie, the MRI showed some very dense tissue around the mass that’s located under your right arm. It does look very questionable and I think we need to approach this very aggressively.”
“What do you mean aggressively?”
Dr. Mirabile removes his glasses and looks up. “We need to do a biopsy.” I can only nod at this point; I’m afraid if I try to speak I’ll lose it.
I straighten my back and take a deep breath. “Okay, when? I’m ready right now.”
“Let me make a call. I would like to do a surgical biopsy.”
Twenty-four hours later I’m sitting in the pre-op area waiting to be taken into the OR for the biopsy. Aunt Virginia sits next to me and pats my hand periodically. I’m not sure which one of us is more scared, but I can definitely feel the tension and anxiety in the room.
As I open my eyes, I see the recovery nurse smile. “Hi, Miss Taylor, are you comfortable?” she asks, adjusting my pillow
My throat feels dry and scratchy. I try to clear it, but it’s too painful.
“It’s better if you take a sip of water, and it’s completely normal to feel some discomfort,” she says, handing me a mug with a straw. Still feeling a little groggy, I look around the small room that I will be staying in overnight. It’s different being on the other side, and it makes me wonder why I became a nurse in the first place. I look to my left and I see my aunt dozing off in the recliner next to the bed. I try to get her attention but all I can manage is a whisper, so I pick up the small box of tissues that were sitting on the bedside table and toss it at her.
“Oh, hey, was I sleeping?” she says, after it hits her on top of her head.
“Sorry,” I whisper.
“Maggie, sweetie, how are you feeling?”
I point to my throat and motion for her to come closer. “I’m okay. I want to go home,” I say.
She smiles and pats my leg. “The doctor said tomorrow morning you can.”
I shake my head and whisper, “No! I want to go home now!”
I push the call button for the nurse, but when she comes in I’m already halfway out of the bed.
“No, Miss Taylor, you can’t get up,” she says, hurrying to help me lay back down. After some useless pouting and strong pain medication, I close my eyes and drift off.
I blink my eyes several times, trying to focus, and I can hear Josh’s voice. “Maggie, why didn’t you tell me this was going on?” He leans down to speak quietly in my ear. I shake my head and wrap the only arm that doesn’t hurt aroun
d his neck and I let the tears fall as he holds me.
“Maggie, since Josh is here I’m going to go and pick up Ellie. I’ll be here first thing in the morning.” I hug her and she walks out and down the hall. I can hear her squeaky sneakers as her footsteps get farther away. Josh and I sit and talk for a while and I apologize for the way I reacted to his proposal. It was difficult for me to explain why I couldn’t accept it and how it was unfair for me to give him false hope. He tells me that when his shift is over in the morning, he will take me home when I’m discharged. Although I could see the sadness in his eyes, he smiled and kissed my cheek before he left.
I try to sleep after everyone has left, but my mind won’t turn off. I think about Ellie and how unfair life can sometime be, especially when you’re a child. I think about how lost I felt when my mother died, how difficult it was for me as an adult, and how horrible it would be for a child Ellie’s age. I think about Sam, Aunt Virginia, and my dad. How will this affect them? I slowly drift off as sadness washes over me and the darkness of my reality seeps in.
Josh pulls the car around just as I’m being wheeled out and as he drives me home, we sit in silence, neither of us knowing what to say to the other. I fidget with the bandage under my arm while I look out of the window. The trees go by and I wonder how something that starts out so small and fragile can grow to be so tall and strong. I push my sadness aside when I resign myself to be strong for Ellie; I will be an oak tree.
I climb the steps slowly and I can hear Ellie giggling. It makes me smile, but when I hear Sam’s voice, I panic. I was not planning on him being here but it’s Friday and I had forgotten that he would be in town this weekend. Josh puts his hand on the small of my back when I stop just short of going inside.
“What’s wrong, Maggie?” he asks.
I shake my head. “I’m okay,” I reply, opening the door and going inside. I brace myself as Ellie runs towards me because I know she is expecting me to pick her up like I always do, but Josh intercepts her. Josh holds her as she leans over to kiss me.
“Mommy, I missed you,” she says softly, touching my cheek.
“I missed you too, pumpkin.” I watch out of the corner of my eye as Sam walks into the room.
“Hey, Sam, how are you?” I move slowly towards the stairs.
“I’m okay.” He looks at me curiously. I turn and hug Josh. “You better go and get some sleep . . . your shift starts in four hours.” The sadness still lingers in his eyes as he turns and walks to his car.
Just as I reach the top of the stairs I hear footsteps behind me, and I turn to see Sam as I open my bedroom door.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Sam asks, leaning on the opposite wall.
I open my bag and empty it onto my bed. “What do you mean, Sam?” I say, trying to act as if there’s nothing wrong.
“There’s something you’re not telling me. What’s going on?” I can see the concern in his eyes while he watches my every move.
I exhale and turn to face him. “What does it matter, Sam?” I stare into those eyes that melted my heart so many years ago. “I’m really tired, I just want to go to bed.” I walk into the bathroom. I hear him follow behind me and I immediately want to be close to him.
“Is that what you really think, that it doesn’t matter?” He glares at me through the mirror.
I lean down on the counter and put my head in my hands. When I feel his hand on my back I squeeze my eyes together, trying not to lose it in front of him.
“Talk to me, Maggie.” He rubs my back slowly. “Please, Maggie.”
I can feel the anger building, but I know it’s not Sam’s fault. It’s no one’s fault, but I can’t help the anger inside of me. I quickly raise my head and turn to him.
“What do you want me to say, Sam?” The tears fall from my eyes. “That I have cancer? That a year from now I may only be a memory to the ones I love . . . is that what you want to hear?” Sam stands in front of me, frozen, as I slide to the floor and wrap my arms around my knees. He doesn’t move until I hear the door close. I can’t bring myself to look up because I know I’ll fall into complete darkness if he walks out. I suddenly feel the softness of my robe being wrapped around me as Sam lifts me off of the bathroom floor and carries me to the bed. I continue to cry as Sam lies next to me, wrapping his arms tightly around me, his warm breath on my ear. I can feel his heartbeat against my back. He holds me as I sob, without saying a word, until I finally open my eyes. I try to move but Sam tightens his arms, letting me know he’s not ready to let go. Finally, neither am I.
The following morning I wake up alone. I curl up into a ball, pulling the covers over my head and drifting back to sleep. When I finally decide I can no longer stay in bed, I walk downstairs where Aunt Virginia is sitting at the table, drinking her morning coffee.
“Good morning,” I say, as I grab some coffee and sit beside her.
“Good morning, sweetie. How are you?”
I shrug my shoulders and give her a weak smile. “I’m still alive, so I think I’m okay.”
She frowns at me and shakes her head. “Stop that, Maggie. Don’t talk that way.”
I can feel the anger building inside; I want to scream and hit something so badly. “How can life be so cruel? I’m reliving what my mother went through!” I scream. My aunt tries to hug me, but I push her away.
I walk over and put my cup in the sink. “I need some time alone, so I think I’ll go back upstairs.” Guilt starts to get the best of me. I had no right to snap at her, since all she’s ever done is help me and be there when I needed her. I run downstairs, and my aunt is still sitting at the table with her coffee. I smile as I wrap my arms around her. “I’m so sorry. I’m not angry with you, I’m angry at life.”
She pats me on the back. “I know, Maggie, and it’s going to be okay.” She smiles and I know she understands. When I get back upstairs, I grab my phone, needing to talk to Sam, so I lay across my bed and text him.
Me: Hey, you left me last night without saying goodbye and I didn’t say goodbye to Ellie. Is she okay?
I lay the phone down and prop my pillow under my chin, waiting for his reply. I open my eyes when I hear my phone ding. I must have dozed off.
Sam: I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you. Ellie wanted to go to the park. If it makes any difference, I didn’t want to leave you.
His text makes me smile. I lay there thinking about how wonderful his arms felt around me and how I long to feel them again. I hear my phone ding again and I pick it up.
Sam: You still there?
Me: Yes, I’m here.
Sam: How are you feeling?
Me: Sore, but I’m okay.
Just as I start to think he’s not going to reply, I hear the ding.
Sam: Do you have plans today?
Me: No, I’m just going to hang around the house.
Several minutes pass before the ding.
Sam: Wanna hang out with us? I can come and get you.
Breathe, Maggie. I think about whether I should say yes or no.
Me: Are you sure you don’t mind me tagging along? I don’t want to interfere with any father-daughter bonding time.
Sam: Don’t be silly. I’ll be there in an hour :)
Just as I jump up to take a shower, Aunt Virginia knocks on my door.
“Come in,” I say, going into my closet to find something to wear. She slowly walks in and sits on the edge of the bed.
“Maggie, do you want to talk about Sam?” she asks, with her head cocked to one side.
“I’m not ready to talk about him just yet. But I do hope it’s not too late . . . for us.”
She nods her head and grins. “I know how you two look at each other. You never looked at Josh like that.”
I sit beside her and hold her hand. “Aunt Virginia, I love him so much, but right now my life is such a mess. I just need to figure out how to unravel it all.”
“Maggie, I know you are scared, but just take it one day at a time.”
Her words put me at ease. We hug and everything feels lighter. I quickly finish up getting ready.
I can hear Sam and Ellie’s voices coming from the kitchen as I walk downstairs. “Ellie, you heard me the first time. No ice cream this early,” Sam says as Ellie whines.
I step back out of view and listen. It sounds like Ellie is pushing her limits with Sam, which I think is good. She can’t always get her way with him.
“But Daddy, it’s the weekend. We can change the rules on the weekend,” I hear her say softly. I gasp quietly when I hear Ellie call Sam daddy. This is the first time I’ve heard her say that word. I smile and step into the kitchen.
“Hey, what’s all the fuss about?” Ellie has her arms folded over her chest and her bottom lip sticking out. I put my hands on my hips as I look down at her.
“Ellie, you know the rules. It doesn’t matter if it’s the weekend or not. Besides, your dad told you no.”
Ellie protests as Sam picks her up, but quickly softens when he peppers her face with soft kisses. I hug my aunt and tell her that I will be home soon.
Our first stop is Sam’s house. This will be the first time I’ve actually seen his entire house. I’ve seen the inside foyer many times when I dropped Ellie off, but I was never given a complete tour. Ellie pulls me by the hand as we walk towards her bedroom. And all I see is pink and purple as I step inside.
“Wow, Ellie, this room is so pretty!” She shows me her baby dolls and all the various toys that Sam has provided for her and it makes me happy to see that Sam has done so well for himself. As Ellie and I are walking back downstairs I hear Sam whisper my name from another room. I turn to see him standing in the doorway of his bedroom, and I watch Ellie bounce downstairs before I go in. Sam walks into his closet and grabs a jacket when I notice several sets of luggage pushed up against the wall.