Traded for Love

by Michelle Hughes

  I knocked on her door.

  “Come in.”

  I stepped in and saw her lying on the bed naked—just the way I wanted her.

  “We don't have much time. You'd better come in.” She put out the cigarette she was smoking and I quickly stripped.

  Our lovemaking was frantic. I wasn't even sure she had an orgasm. For the first time since our initial meeting at the club, I took from her selfishly and with reckless abandon.

  When I lifted away, she was flushed and smiling. “Enjoy yourself?”

  “Yes.” I sighed contentedly and collapsed beside her. I cuddled into her side, feathering soft kisses to the outer swell of her breast.

  She let out a dark, velvety laugh.

  I could sense something hidden behind that sound. "What's funny?" I asked quietly, basking in the ethereal warmth of her touch.

  "I own you ... "

  I opened my eyes. "I think I heard you wrong." I chuckled. "Nobody owns me, honey."

  "Then go away," she said, stroking my forehead with a grin.

  "I don't want to go," I insisted, nestling my face into the valley between her breasts.

  "You don't want to go because you're hooked. I have you, Jack. I've had you from the start." Her smile turned wicked. She'd worn that mask several times and I’d never quite known why.

  “I don't know what you mean by ‘had’. If you mean you were a good lay, then sure.” I tucked my nose against her ribs.

  "You're mine, alright. The hilarious part is, you're too blind to see it. I knew I had you, from the first moment you begged to see me again. You couldn't stop coming back to me. I give you something you can't find anywhere else. The truth I've known since I met you is that you're rotten to the core. That slave you used to drag around on a leash knew it. And that puppet wife of yours that you seduced into marriage knows it, too. I pity them both for falling in love with a monster, but I suppose it's their own fault for being too weak to resist your charms."

  I sat up and frowned. "You're not talking like yourself. What's wrong with you?"

  "Oh, nothing. I just enjoy seeing you writhe." A glint of light stabbed the perfect dark of her irises as she smirked. "I've met so many men like you, Jack. So many men have wanted to control me, own me. You aren't the first. None of them could, and neither can you, though there's no doubt in my mind that you'll keep trying. I may be a sub, but I'm a hell of a sub. You try to ride me outside the bedroom, and I'll buck you off. The truth is, Jack, that you can't own me. You can't control who I am, even if I do obey during sessions. The thing that frustrates you most is that I belong to myself when the lights come on and the handcuffs come off." She bared her teeth, which seemed sharper than before. "You're just a mad dog chasing meat. And I'm as prime as it gets. What you fail to realize is that I only keep you around because I love seeing that hunger in your eyes. You crave me, but you'll never have all of me. I can see into your soul, Jack Duncan. In your eyes I see every woman you've ever hurt. I see every ugly thing you've ever done, every sin you've committed, and I'm the judge who gets to sentence you. Want to know what your punishment is?"

  Frozen by her terrifying words, I couldn't even blink.

  "You'll love me, for the rest of your life. And you won't be able to stop. Even if you somehow work up the courage to stop seeing me, every time you fuck someone else, you'll think of me. You'll want me instead of her. You'll want my eyes looking into yours as you feel yourself on the edge. You'll want to lay your hands on me. You'll pray in your dreams that you can even catch a glimpse of me. That's your punishment. No matter how fast, and how hard you run, Jack, you won't be able to get away."

  I suddenly couldn't breathe. "Bullshit."

  "Go ahead and test it. Try going without me for a week. Feel the burn … ”

  “You're insane,” I said, rolling out of bed and going to get my clothes.

  She giggled. “Go ahead and keep telling yourself that, honey.”

  As soon as my pants were on, I left.

  My judge? Sentence me? What a crazy bitch!

  A thought crossed my mind that I hadn't had since I was at least five-years-old … Maybe my mother was right.

  (Drake)

  I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Until I saw that the bed was empty, I assumed she'd fallen asleep.

  No such luck.

  Instead, on the pillows was a folded note with my name on it. My heart sank. I sat down, opened it and began to read.

  Dear Drake,

  I can't begin to tell you how hard this is. I know it's awful that I'm doing this in a note. You deserve better.

  The truth is, I don't think we can make this work. What we had was beautiful. I'll always remember it. I'll always think of you fondly, but I can't live with Katherine. She's everything to me. I don't have it in me to abandon her.

  I know you told me you'd fix this, but I don't think you can. Jack is cruel and he'll do whatever it takes to get his way.

  I'm sorry. I wish I could say more.

  Don't forget me.

  Love,

  Emily.

  (Jack)

  I lay in bed with my eyes shut and my limbs spread out wide.

  I heard the door open and close.

  A weight settled down in the bed beside me.

  The scent of Emily's perfume wafted into my nose.

  For the next twenty minutes all I heard was the sound of her breathing.

  “I ended it,” she said softly. “We can go back to normal. We can get on with our lives.”

  For some reason her words hurt, they weighed down my heart and made me wish I were dead. I rolled over and wrapped my arms around her.

  “What's wrong? What happened?” she asked.

  I buried my face in the folds of her dress, feeling the warmth of her skin through the fabric. “I don't want to lose you. You're all I have left. I love you.”

  “You're lying. Don't worry, Jack, you don't have to lie to me anymore.” She stroked my head gently. “Why don't you tell me what happened with her?”

  “Nothing,” I muttered as I buried my face deeper into her side.

  “Did she break up with you?” She continued to run her fingers over my temples sweetly. A minute of silence passed between us. “You love her don't you?”

  I shook my head.

  “It’s okay, Jack. We're both in love with people we can't be with … ”

  (Emily)

  Jack eventually let go of me and left to take a shower.

  Someone knocked at the door, and I went to answer it.

  It was Joanna. “Oh. Hello.”

  “I was hoping I could speak to you for a few minutes. Do you have some time?” she asked.

  “Of course.” I gestured for her to enter, but she turned her eyes toward the bathroom.

  “Let's go into the library,” she suggested.

  “Sure.”

  I followed her to the library, unsure of what she wanted to talk about but ready to hear it.

  Once we were seated, she poured herself a drink, as she usually did. Jack and his mother shared the trait of being heavy drinkers.

  “I'm leaving soon, and I didn't want to leave without talking to you first about your marriage to my son.”

  “Oh. What about it?” I clasped my fingers in my lap to keep them still.

  “It's become evident to me that he doesn't love you. If I'm aware, then it can be no secret to you.” She was dead serious, so serious that I was caught completely off guard.

  “I assure you that Jack and I are happy,” I lied.

  “Emily, don't lie to me. I may be an old woman, but I know what true love looks like. And while I think you love my son, I don't believe he reciprocates it. I don't think he has the capacity to love.”

  I chuckled. “He does, but you're right, the love he has is not for me.”

  Joanna sat back in her chair. “What do you intend to do about it?”

  “Do?” I laughed sarcastically. “What can I do? He has all the power in this situatio
n. He has all the money and the lawyers. I'm staying for Katherine.”

  Her face went stone still. “He's threatened you, hasn't he?”

  I pursed my lips, unsure of whether I should answer. I decided there was no point in hiding it. She might as well know the whole, ugly truth. “Yes.”

  “I see why you're staying, but haven't you thought of the alternatives to legal action?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He obviously thinks he'd be able to prove you're an unfit mother in court so he can get sole custody. What do you suppose would be the ideal response to that? What would negate his defense?”

  The heavy weight in my chest seemed to lift. “If you know a way, please tell me.”

  “Isn't it obvious? All you have to do is find proof that he'd be an unfit father.”

  What Love Is

  Two Weeks Later

  (Drake)

  “Ah!” I yanked my hand away from the knife's blade.

  “That's the second time you've cut yourself today. What's wrong?” Chastity asked.

  “I don't know. My mind's not … right.” I threw the bread dough I'd been scoring into the garbage.

  Chastity accompanied me to the employee bathroom. “You're thinking of her again, aren't you?”

  “No.” I washed the cut with soap and water.

  She leaned against the tile wall. “You can't hide the truth from me, Drake. It's written all over your face.”

  I yanked a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall. “Of course I'm thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about her.”

  She laughed. “It seems kind of fun to be in love.”

  “It's not. Not at all. Especially when you can't be with the person you love.” I opened the cabinet and took a Band-Aid out of the first aid kit.

  “Here, let me.” She took the strips off the adhesive and added antiseptic balm to the cotton pad. “I suppose being involved with Jack was the closest thing I'll ever get to being in love.”

  “You think so?”

  “Maybe. It's not like I'd know if my condition were changing.”

  “How do you feel about him?” I probed.

  She dropped her head to the side and crossed her arms over her chest. “I think it was nice knowing he would always be back, or that he would come if I called him.”

  “Sounds like love to me.” I closed the cabinet.

  “Is that what it is? I thought it was always the endorphin rush, and then the mushy lovey-dovey shit everybody goes ga-ga for.”

  We returned to our stations and I put on a fresh pair of gloves. “Love is half need and half want,” I explained. “Part of the need and want is the expectation that the person will come back to you. That's what it means to be attracted, but when you're in love, it's more than that. It's more than expectation. It's knowing that they'll come back as long as the way is open.”

  Chastity's hands went still on the mixer controls. “He'd come back if I let him.”

  “Oh, there's no doubt in my mind he's in love with you,” I said, scooping flour into a mixing bowl. “It's whether you love him that's in question.”

  “We both know that's not possible.”

  “Maybe you're just discovering your own kind. Love isn't always cut and dry.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. “Would you go back to him if you could?”

  She turned off the mixer. “I'm going on break.”

  With that she walked out the back door of the kitchen without taking off her apron.

  Obsession

  A Month After the Retreat

  (Emily)

  I patted Katherine's back as her head lay against my shoulder.

  “Donna, I think she's calm enough now. Can you help me?” I gently lowered the baby into her crib. Donna came over with a small dropper-bottle. “Okay, baby, this won't hurt. You just have to be real still.”

  Donna held the baby's head still while I dripped the eardrops in her ear.

  Katherine whined and squirmed.

  “I know, honey. I know.” I stroked her cheek. “Just a few more and we'll be done.”

  Donna rotated the baby's head and I added drops to the left ear.

  “Thank you,” I said, drawing the blanket over Katherine's shoulders.

  “The pediatrician said we should give it to her three times a day. How long before we do the next dose?” Donna asked.

  “Six hours, I think. Until then we can use some infant pain reliever and compresses to help with the ache.” I looked down at Katherine sadly. She'd been fighting a double ear infection for a few days and I felt horrible watching her suffer. I stroked her face. “Just rest now, baby. You'll feel better soon.”

  Katherine's nose scrunched up and her eyes squinted.

  In the distance, I heard Jack's office phone ring—once, twice, three times.

  I excused myself from the nursery and went down the hall into the office. The room was dark except for what little light his desk lamp provided. The ringing continued. “Jack, are you going to pick up your phone?”

  He lay on the far couch with his back to the light, wearing the same shirt he'd had on for a week. He didn't respond to my question.

  I scoffed and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

  “Finally! Is that you, Emily?” It was J.B.

  “Yes. It's me. How are you?”

  “Never mind how I am. Where the hell has Jack been? His ratings are in the toilet! Dowes is not happy that his emails about his urban project have gone ignored.”

  “Urban project? Hold on.” I lifted the lid on Jack's laptop. “Fourteen-hundred emails?” I whispered.

  “What was that?”

  “Oh. Nothing. I'm sure Jack's on it. He's … not been feeling well lately.” I peered over my shoulder at my pathetic husband.

  “Well, you tell him that if he doesn't call me soon, I'm resigning. I don't have the time to care about the campaign enough for both of us.”

  “Right. I'll pass on the message.” I wrote down the date, time and J.B.'s name, and added the note to the post-it graveyard on Jack’s desk.

  The line went dead before we could exchange the niceties of a pleasant goodbye. It was just as well since I didn't much want to talk to him anyway.

  I hung up the receiver and braced my hands on my hips. “Jack Duncan, get off that couch and shower.” He didn't stir, so I walked to the couch and kicked him lightly in the ass. “You've got to snap out of it!”

  “Leave me alone.”

  In the dim light, I saw that he was surrounded by a mine-field of empty liquor bottles. “You're going to lose your campaign if you don't call J.B. He threatened to quit.”

  I double-checked to make sure my phone was in my pocket.

  “Fuck him,” he muttered.

  “Jack, why don't you call her? We can't live like this. It's clear that you can't operate without her in your life. If you love her, why don't you fix whatever it was that happened and get on with your life?”

  “I don't love her.” His arm muscles flexed within the confines of his shirt sleeves.

  “How long are you going to lie to yourself?”

  “Go away,” he growled.

  “If you don't get up, I'm leaving. I can't live with you like this anymore.” I took a step away but felt his hand reach out and take my wrist. He gripped it tight.

  “You're not going anywhere. You're mine, do you understand?” He sat up. “Mine! You and Katherine both belong to me.”

  “Katherine will be fine as long as you pay Donna to take care of her. You can't use her to hurt me anymore. I won't stay and watch you kill yourself. I won't let you use me anymore.” I was bluffing, of course I was. But I'd already gotten him to move, and some movement was better than none.

  “If it's not you, it'll be her.”

  I was shocked. “You'd use your own daughter to move up in the world?”

  “I'll use anybody if it means I get what I want!” The light fell on his face and I barely recognized him. His cheeks and eyes were sunken.
He had half a beard going.

  “Jack … ” I dropped to my knees in front of him. “Just admit it. Admit that you love her.” Despite the fact that I no longer loved him the way I used to, I still teared up at how pitiful he looked.

  “Are you crying?” He swept a rogue from my cheek and stared at the glistening drop on the edge of his finger. “I don't understand you.”

  I sniffed lightly and wiped my eyes. “I care about you, Jack. I can't stand seeing you like this.”

  “I ruined your life. You said it yourself. And yet you're still crying … ”

  I ran my hand over his face, but he took my wrist captive and shrank from my touch. “I don't want this. Stop it.”

  “You don't want me to touch you, at all?”

  “She was right,” he whispered.

  “Who?”

  “Chastity …. She said I'd wish it was her touching me. She was right.”

  I pulled my hand from his. “It's over, Jack. I'm going.”

  “Going where?”

  I stood up and walked away from him.

  “Stop!” He staggered to his feet. “Remember … Katherine!”

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and held it up so he could see it, then hit the play button on the recording I'd been taking. I watched his face as he heard himself talking about how he'd use Katherine to get what he wanted. I pressed stop.

  “If I'm an unfit mother, you're an unfit father.” I slid my phone into my pocket. “I'm leaving. You can see Katherine when you get your shit together.”

  (Jack)

  I felt my heart slow to a stop as she walked out of my office, and out of my life. My Emily, the one I counted on to stand by my side. She was no longer under my control.

  I was alone.

  “Emily!” I screamed after her.

  Our bedroom door slammed shut and locked. I stood poised and ready to grab her and shake some sense into her when she came out. Fifteen minutes later, she emerged with the baby in one arm and steadying two bags with her other. The baby was whining, her eyes red and irritated.

  “Where will you go?” I asked, stumbling after her.

  “I don't know, but it's none of your business now.” She took the steps down to the first floor. “Emily. Don't go. I need you.”