Finally, Kiwi clears her throat. “Where is Juliet?”
I glance at her. “Um, she told me she needed to rest.”
Kiwi’s eyes narrow. Even when she’s glaring at me, I find her so damn fun to look at. More fun than any woman I’ve ever met.
That feeling of discomfort creeps along my skin.
“Is she dead?”
I roll my eyes. “Why are you asking me some shit you know the answer to?”
She hisses at me, and I jump. She hasn’t done that in a while.
“Just answer me!” Her voice is a little too loud.
The buzzing of conversation that was going on around us ceases. All eyes are on us for a few seconds. When the last pair of eyes glance away, I look at Kiwi and sigh.
“She’s not dead. Which you know. Because we still need her, and I’m pretty sure you would have tried to kill me if I killed her.”
She stares at me for several seconds. Finally, she nods and sweeps her gaze toward the fire.
“Yeah,” she says. “Did you release her?”
I shake my head even though she’s no longer looking at me. “No, if I did that she’d only have a few hours.” I cross my arms in front of me and enjoy the fire spitting its heat toward my face. “I only did a partial feed. Neither of us are one hundred percent, but it’ll get the job done.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I can feel her. Something is making her anxious. I place a hand on her shoulder, and she turns her head toward me.
“Hey, no worries, girl. We’re still gonna get this shit done.”
She nods. “I know, but you’ll…”
I feel another wave of anxiety leak from her. I frown, trying to guess what’s causing it. Then, the obvious hits me.
The thing she won’t say.
That I’ll die if I don’t do a regular feed.
I drop my hand and turn my attention back to the fire. We sit in silence until the woman with the kind face comes and offers us both plates.
“It’s eggplant,” she says as I reach for the plate.
I glance down at the mass of purple on my plate and nod. “Smells good…”
She splays her fingers across her chest. “Rosemary, like the herb.” With a smile, she reaches for my hand. I take one away from the plate to shake hers.
“My favorite herb,” I say with a wink.
She blushes and nods, then scurries off, almost tripping on her own feet.
Beside me, Kiwi snorts. “You’re such a flirt.”
“Nope, just smart.”
“Since when?”
“Ha!” I toss a wink at her. “Longer than you’ve been funny.” I take a bite out of my eggplant and close my eyes. It’s rubbery, but one of the best things I’ve tasted in a hot minute. As soon as I swallow, I say, “My momma always taught me to compliment a woman that brings me food. Otherwise, she might put some shit in it one day.”
Kiwi actually laughs. My eyes pop open. Pretty sure it’s the first time I’ve heard that kind of sound come out of her face.
“Well.” She takes a small bite out of her own eggplant. “Your mother sounds like she’s a smart woman.”
My face tightens. I try to smile. “Yeah, she was.”
Kiwi looks toward me. I don’t know this because I’m not looking at her. She just has that kind of stare you can feel.
“Was?”
I nod tightly.
“What happened to her?”
I take another bite to keep my mouth full. She seems to take the hint and peers back out at the fire.
“Wow, look at this place,” she says. “As close to normal as I’ve been in a long time.”
I glance around at all the people. Elderly faces. White faces. Black faces. Yellow faces. All laughing like the shit isn’t raining down around them. Embracing each other. Resting their heads on the shoulders of those next to them.
It all does look pretty damn normal.
Something claws at my gut. It makes me feel good, well, better than I have in a while, to be here. But I still don’t feel a part of it. I feel on the outside of it.
I always feel on the outside of it.
I finish up my food and stand up. Casting my gaze down at Kiwi, I say, “I’m going to check on Juliet.”
She nods.
“Don’t kill her,” she calls out to me as I walk away.
That brings a light smile to my lips. I wave at a group of people as I pass and make my way back to the cabin Wisteria Haven’s residents have let us borrow. I open the door and my heart almost collapses in my rib cage.
Juliet is standing up, glaring at me. Well, not glaring. Giving me stoic Juliet face.
I wasn’t expecting her to be standing for a while.
“What are you…”
Before I can finish asking my question, Juliet holds up her arm. The one connected to her comm link with Compound Six. I narrow my eyes and shake my head in confusion.
“You remember that chip that was placed in your head when you signed on for this mission?”
Shit. This isn’t going to go well.
I nod slowly.
“Well, it wasn’t just to keep tabs on you. It was in case you got out of line.” She flips her hair. “And I’m afraid you’ve gotten out of line, Pike.”
I pucker my lips to whistle.
But I’m not fast enough.
Juliet slams a button on her watch, and a red hot pain slices up my spine. My head jerks back, and I let out a scream. Pain beats into me. Pain so intense it feels like I’ve been under its grip for a lifetime. Then, just as quickly as it came on, it stops.
I stumble backward, crashing into the door.
I look in Juliet’s direction, but I barely see her.
I barely see anything.
And I’m hungry. My insides twist with it. Everything else has gone out of my head. With a growl, I turn toward the door and stomp through it, aching to kill.
When I step back into the night, everything is different. I can barely see any of it, but I can feel it, pecking at my veins. The woman with the kind face, I can’t remember her name now, passes me with a huge grin. Something on my face gives me away for what I truly am and the smile dissolves from her face.
She thought me a hero.
Now she’s backing away from me, clutching her scarf closer to her body, and scurrying off.
I smile.
I’ve never been a fan of wearing masks. Let them all see me.
I stalk toward the fire. After a quick glance I don’t see Ana. Taking in a deep breath, I close my eyes and feel for her. It’s a matter of seconds.
Now, she’s mine.
A hand grips my arm. I open my eyes and dart my gaze down at Kiwi.
“Hey, you okay?” Her eyebrows raise. “You don’t look like yourself.”
I rip my arm away from her. “Go to bed, little girl.”
Her eyes open as wide as small planets. “Fuck off, Pike.”
I laugh as she walks away. “Yeah, fuck me, indeed.”
I turn left and trudge toward the cottage. Ana’s cottage. I clomp up the steps and stand before the door. Reaching out, I touch it and draw in a deep breath.
It’s like white folk smelling their wine before they indulge. Makes it taste all the sweeter. And she does smell so sweet.
She smells of creativity. Of innocence. Of playfulness and fearlessness. Some of my favorite things to eat. Unable to hold off any longer, I push the door open.
The room is dimly lit with an oil lamp. Shadows dance off the walls. She’s seated at a small desk in the corner. She turns to me and smiles.
For about half a second.
Then she leaps up. Her chair clatters to the floor. I smile. “Relax, it’s just me.”
She backs herself up against her desk. Several books and pens spill to the floor. I move forward and lean over to pick them all up.
“Here,” I say, handing them to her with a smile.
She shakes her head. I can smell the fear wafting off her. My mouth waters
.
“You look different,” she says.
I nod. “I feel different.”
“Wha…what do you want?”
My smile widens. I think about that. Not about what I want. That’s clear. But, I do wonder if I should make her feel better about what’s going to happen.
It’s a matter of seconds before I decide against it. She did, after all, volunteer for this a few hours ago. I close the gap between us and wrap my arms around her neck.
Then, I whistle.
Her eyes glaze over in ecstasy, in all the worldly goods a human girl could possibly want. I’ve given her a small slice of heaven, hand crafted just for her.
In return, she’s given me her life.
It doesn’t take long. I’m that hungry. When I’m done, she hangs, a limp dish rag in my arms. Without thought, I snap her head to the left and listen to the pop of her neck. Then, I let her fall to the floor.
And just like that, everything goes back to normal. Colors sharpen. Sounds reach my ears. I feel myself again. I stare down at Ana’s limp body.
At her dead body.
My eyes widen so hard I feel like they’ll pop out of my head.
“No,” I say, backing away from her.
Everything comes rushing back. Juliet. The button. The pain. The hunger. The monster. This.
This…
This horrible thing I’ve just done.
I crash to my knees. I didn’t want to kill Ana. Why did I do it? “I didn’t mean to kill her.”
“No, no no.” I start to rock myself like a self- soothing child. “No.”
I cover my face. My mouth rips open into a silent scream.
Tears roll down my face in huge globs. I don’t even feel the siren high. I feel like an endless pit of this horrible thing I’ve done.
Soon, my screams are no longer quiet. They are loud. Loud and scary enough to render the entire haven silent.
I’m so caught up in my own grief, in my own bullshit ass weakness that I barely hear Kiwi. I cradle Ana’s broken body—Ana, who is only a few years older than Sadie—in my arms and wail. Not a siren’s wail. A very human wail. A wail that instead of ripping others apart, almost cracks me in two.
She has to shake me out of it. “Pike!”
I turn my head, and she’s sitting beside me. She’s looking at me, not with disgust, but shock and what I guess is sympathy.
“Gods, Pike. What happened?”
I try to speak, but when my mouth opens all that comes out is another howl. She winces and rubs my shoulders.
“Gods,” she says again. “What happened, Pike? Why did you do this?”
I shake my head. My mouth is still stretched wide open. I can’t answer. I can’t find the words to answer.
She touches the side of my face and nods. “Okay. Just let me…” She starts to pull Ana out of my arms.
It takes a great effort because I don’t want to let go. After several moments of struggle, I resign. Once Ana is on the floor in front of me, Kiwi jumps up. Her footsteps shuffle behind me. Finally, she returns with a blanket and covers Ana’s body.
I close my eyes and let my head hang.
I can’t believe I did this. I didn’t want to do this.
“Pike.” Kiwi’s arm is on my shoulder again.
I shake my head before looking at her. Her eyes are wide with questions.
I rub my nose and laugh bitterly. “Juliet. I think it was Juliet.”
She scowls, tilting her head.
I clear my throat. Now that some words have come to me, maybe I can find the others.
“I went to check on her. And she had this… this button on her watch. She pressed it. Then…”
Kiwi’s already widened eyes widen further. “Oh, gods.” She closes her eyes. Her small hands ball into fists. “She must have gotten orders from Colonel Jax.”
The sound of his name puts the taste of shit in my mouth.
“The chip in your head… it must have a mind control function. I heard about them from Tripp. They put one in his, in case he Orced out when he wasn’t supposed to.”
As soon as she finishes telling me this, Male laughter swims around in my skull. I press my hands to my ears. In the distance, Kiwi calls my name. She shakes my arm, but the laughing only gets louder.
Then, the word bubbles away.
An image of Colonel Jax, eyepatch and all, swims into my vision.
“Hello, Pike,” he says in that fucking whisper of a voice. “Juliet says you were getting out of control.” Then he holds up a head with vacant eyes. It’s Sadie.
Well, it’s a thing that looks like Sadie. Her bones punch up against her skin, and her eyes are the stain milk leaves on a clear glass.
My teeth grit. I try to stand, but stumble back to my knees. Kiwi is still shaking me.
“Don’t get out of line again,” Jax says. “Remember, you’re my monster now.”
Before I can say anything, his face swims away. The thing that looks like Sadie swims away, too, and the room oozes back into focus.
I glance from Ana’s dead body, to Kiwi, who is still saying my name.
“It was Jax,” I say before she can ask what happened again.
Her hands cover her mouth. “He has a retina projector installed in your chip, too.”
I don’t give enough of a fuck to ask what she means by that. All I know is I have to get out of here. Away from Ana’s dead body. Away from the innocence I curse from existence.
“I have to… Leave.” My voice sounds like a power sander on low. I feel powerful and weak at the same time.
“Okay.” Kiwi shakes my head. “Okay, I’m going to get you out of here.”
She stands again and goes to lift up Ana’s body. I close my eyes. Not wanting to know what she’s doing with the body. Feet shuffle all around me. Then, Kiwi is slipping her arm under my shoulder.
She lifts and lets out a grunt. “Come on, Pike. Help me out a little.”
I gather whatever strength I have left and stumble to my feet. I let myself lean on her a little bit as we scramble out the door and into the night.
I would thank the gods that almost everyone is tucked away inside their little prairie cabins, but the gods are assholes.
Kiwi and I wind up going to the tank because I can’t stand being in the haven anymore. I roll my sleeping bag out on the floor then crumple down on it like a deflated blow up doll.
Kiwi crouches over me. “Are you going to be okay?”
I give a grunt of confirmation.
“Well,” she says after a few seconds. “I’ll let you have some alone time.”
As soon as she moves toward the hatch, I grab her arm.
“Please,” I say, trying not to sound like a little bitch, “I don’t want to be alone.”
She stares at me for a while, then nods. “Okay.”
We sit forever in silence. I’ve always hated it. The quiet. I hate the shit even more now. Silence lets in thoughts, and mine are torturous right now. Tiny demons dripping straight from the lips of Hades.
I feel every inch of myself tightening. Trying to keep out what I just did. It doesn’t work. Not even a little bit. Kiwi finally shatters the unbearable quiet by touching my shoulder.
Lazily, I turn my head in her direction.
“Hey, this wasn’t your fault.”
I stare at her for a long time. So long, her shoulders fall forward, making her appear smaller than she is. I’m making her as uncomfortable as I am.
I laugh, surprising both of us. Not a dark, bitter thing either. An I’m losing my fucking mind laugh, loud and dangerous. I sit up and stare at her with what must be crazy eyes.
“Not my fault?” I ask, my tone higher in pitch than I’ve ever heard it. “Does that even fucking matter?” I’m yelling now. “Does it fucking matter if I made the choice to kill her myself, or if Colonel Jaxass was pulling my strings?” I grab her by the shoulders and shake her. “Isn’t she just as fucking dead? Isn’t she just as dead because of me?”
The quiet returns. I run my hands back through my dreads so hard they tighten and threaten to come right out of my scalp. Then, I peer back up at Kiwi.
“I’m sorry,” I say in a shaky voice. “But I’ve killed so many people.” I look down. “So many. And most of the time, I liked it.” I scoff and shake my head. “No, all of the time, I loved it.” I look up into her eyes. “I loved it, Kiwi. But I didn’t want her to die.”
I start to shake. After a moment, she puts her hand on my forearm. After another moment, she says, “When my sisters were alive, all I had was the laser vision.”
I raise an eyebrow.
“I’ve killed lots of people, too. But I always knew it was righteous. My other sisters would locate them, the ones that needed to be sent to the Underworld, and I’d just send them there. Zap, dead. No questions asked.” She sighs and sits with her legs crossed beside me. “After they were murdered and I got all their power, it became more complicated. I could see people’s darkest selves. The worst of them… it was easy to twist their minds, to make them think they wanted to kill themselves, but I found a gray area.” She meets my eyes. “And killing in that gray area is hard as hell. Harder than my sisters ever made it look.”
We stare at each other for several charged moments.
“So, we’re both killers,” she finally says. “Sorry I was such a bitch to you when we first met.”
I nod, still staring at her. Somehow, her face is the only thing keeping me together at the moment. “It’s cool.”
“And for what I did to Sadie. That was… hard.”
My answering smile is tight. “Let’s not talk about that.”
She nods and glances down. Man, she is so hard not to stare at.
I ask, “So, what do you see when you look at me?”
She glances back up and widens her eyes.
“Am I in that gray area? Would I be hard or easy to kill?”
She shrugs and tucks her bang behind her ear. “Most times I think it would be easy.”
I cough. “You serious?”
She shrugs again, and I clutch my hand over my heart. “Damn, girl. That’s cold.”
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