The Fledgling

by Jeanie P Johnson

  “That is one reason I shall never get married,” I cried.

  “Don’t say that, Floriana. You know I was hoping that someday…”

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I insisted. “The footmen are waiting to bring your luggage in, and Connor wants to speak to you, as soon as you come in. Gill is away on business right now, but he asks your pardon for his not being in residence when you came. It will be up to him as to whether Chandra can remain here, though.”

  “Then we will stay until he returns,” Vance insisted, “if that is acceptable by you and Connor.”

  “I have no problem with it. I have missed you so much. We can all go riding, and catch up on old times,” I suggested, starting to feel a little happier, considering I knew Vance would never reveal to Sheldon where either me or Chandra were.

  Connor greeted us at the door, and when he saw Chandra, he raised his eyebrows. “Vance will explain everything,” I told Connor, and he nodded, grimly.

  I showed Chandra to her room, which was next to mine, and she began chatting on about everything that had happened at Heather Ridge house, after I left, and how her father almost lost the house, until Sheldon married Tamara. Apparently, she did not know I was the reason he had almost lost the house, so I decided not to let her know about my hand in it. I had not succeeded anyway, so what difference did it make now?

  I had wanted Chandra to come stay with me in the beginning so maybe, at least, that could be accomplished now. I certainly did not want her to remain at Heather Ridge house with only Sheldon and her father.

  Chandra said she was tired from the long carriage trip, and wished to lie down and rest, so I let Sally attend to her needs, and went back down stairs to where Connor had been interviewing Vance. When I came to the parlor door, it opened and the two stepped out into the hall, where I was standing. “Vance has told me everything,” Connor said quietly. “Perhaps it is just as well that he came here, and brought Chandra with him. After all, you wanted to shelter her from her father and Sheldon from the beginning,” he reminded me, what I had been thinking too.

  “Then you aren’t angry at me?” I asked. Ever since I had told Connor about Vance coming he had treated me rather abruptly, and I had been worried he would never trust me again.

  “This time, it turned out well. But next time, you must always inform me of anything you plan to do, Floriana. It is so easy for you to get yourself into trouble. You snuck out the night you were hurt, and it never would have happened, if you had listened to me, and made sure someone was with you at all times.”

  “Alright. I will take you more seriously, from now on,” I told him, and he gave me a weak smile. I don’t think he really believed me.

  Ever since Connor had accidentally kissed me, on my birthday, he had been keeping his distance from me anyway, and I saw him give a puzzled glance at Vance, as Vance reached out for my hand. “I think Vance and I will go out ridding,” I informed Connor, and he nodded, but I didn’t think he really approved. Only he had once suggested I think of Vance as a possible husband. I knew that would never happen, but I did love Vance as a friend, even more then I loved Gill as a friend, regardless of all the things Gill had done for me.

  The groom saddled Lady for me, and another horse, we called Dandy, for Vance. Then the two of us started to ride out on Gill’s vast property. Since I had been out, many times before, I led the way. We laughed and talked and I was enjoying myself so much, I had forgotten how much Vance and I had enjoyed each other’s company.

  We rode along the surf, and the salt spray seemed to invigorate me, and make me feel alive. Or maybe I felt so alive because Vance was with me again, and it seemed like old times.

  Eventually, we dismounted, by a pond, on the way back to the Manor, and Vance spread his coat out for us to sit on. My hair was a tangle, and I was trying to smooth it back into place, to keep it from frizzing up, like it always did. Vance smiled at my efforts, and picked a nearby flower, pushing the stem into my hair. “Your hair is lovely,” he smiled at me. “You are like a rare flower, sitting here,” Vance whispered, and then his finger traced over my scar. “Tell me how it happened,” he begged. “I cannot believe that anyone would want to harm you, or disfigure your face like that. I know Sheldon sent Jim to scare you. It must have been horrifying.”

  I had mentioned it lightly in a letter I wrote to Vance, so he wouldn’t be shocked when he saw me again. But I hadn’t gone into any detail. “I…I really don’t remember much about it,” I admitted, quietly. “I was knocked unconscious at the time. I actually didn’t feel a thing.”

  “That must have been horrible, even if you didn’t feel anything. If Sheldon’s sent Jim out to harm you, or even frighten you, it makes me all the more suspicious that he pushed Tamara down the stairs on purpose,” he told me. “I wish you would tell me the truth about Sheldon. I know there had been more than you were willing to tell me, because you were so set on Tamara not marrying him.”

  Suddenly I felt that Vance needed to know about Sheldon, and what he had done to me and the things he had done with his sister. After all, I was never going to marry him, or anyone else, anyway, so what difference did it matter if he learned? At least he would know why I had to turn him down on his wish for me to promise myself to him.

  We lay back on his coat, and I slowly began to tell him everything that had happened to me at Heather Ridge House, and then at the graveyard after words, from what I could remember.

  When I finished, I was trembling, and Vance was staring at me in disbelief. “You have endured so much,” Vance whispered. He hesitated, staring at my face. I was certain he was looking at my scar, thinking how unattractive it made me look. “I can see why you refused to promise yourself to me,” he murmured. “But it doesn’t make me care for you, any less.” He looked down at our hands, which he had clasped when I first started telling him the story. Then, suddenly, he turned back to me, and began kissing my face, and then my lips. His kisses became more insistent, and I realized I wanted someone to show me that kind of affection, because I would never have it in a proper marriage. Not even Vance would admit that he could never marry me now, but he was showing me how much he still cared for me, by the way he was kissing me, I reasoned.

  “I wish it never happened. I wish I could kiss it all away,” Vance murmured against my lips. “Sheldon should be hung by his thumbs. I am surprised that Conner does not demand it!”

  “It would be difficult to prove anything,” I sighed, starting to feel more alive, because Vance had kissed me. My life had seemed so dark, up to this moment. “But now that I am here, I don’t think Sheldon can touch me again,” I assured him.

  “Never to touch you,” Vance whispered. “I have longed to touch you for so long now, but Sheldon has ruined all your chances of having a respectable marriage. If things had only been different…” Vance put his knuckles against my cheek, rubbing against my skin in a loving manner. “Please, just let me continue to kiss you,” he insisted, as he captured my lips beneath his once again, not waiting for my answer. His remarks told me, he could never properly ask me to marry him, and I accepted the truth of the matter, while at the same time wanting the closeness he was showing me.

  I could feel myself start to weaken as Vance continued to kiss me, and it brought back the more pleasant feelings I had felt at Sheldon’s touch, before I discovered his true purpose. If I didn’t get married, I would never be able to have those kinds of feelings again, I thought, longingly to myself. But not even Gill would want to marry me, once I confessed to him, how broken I really was. Vance, whom I had known longer than Gill, indicated he could not marry me, even though he still felt affection for me.

  One moment, Vance was kissing me, and the next his hand was pushing under my bodice, looking for more of my soft skin that hovered at the top of my collar. When I felt his fingers on me, I let out a familiar sigh. Not the kind Sheldon was always trying to cause, but just the kind that wished for more of that kind of feeling. I knew what
Vance was doing, was akin to what Sheldon had done, taking advantage of my situation, but at the moment, I pushed the thought away.

  Vance seemed eager to bring on more intimate feelings, and Sheldon had taught me well on how to encourage even more. I realized I wanted more, because this was all I could have of Vance. He may never come to visit me again. I could not help myself. I was already ruined. I wanted to feel more of what was promised. It was not like taking on a lover, I told myself. It was sharing something special with a friend. Vance would always be my friend, even if he never became my husband, I promised myself.

  Now his mouth was covering the place where his hands had excited, and I allowed him to unfasten my buttons, in order for him to have better access. I found my hand reaching down to touch him through the material of his trousers, and when that happened, his hand pushed up, under the skirt of my riding habit, finding what it was looking for. After that, I did not pay attention to how we managed to remove each other’s clothes, or what I thought about the feel of his skin against mine. I only allowed it to happen, because it was not Sheldon giving me tests. It was my friend Vance, showing his feelings for me.

  When we lay quietly beside each other, realizing what we had done, Vance pulled me to him, and rocked me. “Don’t hate me for this,” he begged. “I don’t know what came over me. I have wanted you for so long. All I ever did was dream about you, when I was at school. I will treasure this moment forever.”

  He never said that now he should honor me by insisting I marry him. After all, someone else had had me before him. He never said he loved me, because, I was sure, that would be too painful for him to admit, since we could only remain friends. He never said he worried that what we had done may bring on a baby. I knew he had regretted it, the moment it was over, because he had no intention of marrying me.

  But I had known it all along. I could not blame him for not offering to be that strong character that Connor spoke of. No one would have to know I had been ruined, but he knew. He knew about Sheldon, and Jim, and then there was my disfigurement. He could never have a wife that others would stare at, not because of her beauty, but because of the scar that traced over her face. I had to forgive him, because I understood completely.

  “I don’t hate you,” I whispered, kissing his lips, to prove I forgave him. When I did that, his arms wrapped around me, tighter, clinging to me, as he buried his face against my breasts, and then he was kissing them again, and finding me once more, and I let him have his fill of me, because I knew this was the only way I would ever feel this kind of touch, even now, or in the future. I feared it would be the last time Vance would allow himself to touch me.

  We slowly got dressed, without speaking. I knew Vance felt bad for taking advantage of me. But I had encouraged it, so I was just as guilty, I thought. Besides, he would return to school, and if I found I had gotten a child, maybe I would agree to Gill marrying me. Only I didn’t know if I could do something like that to Gill. He was too kind and thoughtful to treat with such dishonesty. No. If I got a child, I would just go away, and disappear for good.

  Vance remained there, waiting for Gill to return, so we could ask permission to let Chandra remain. We spent our days together, as happy friends, taking Chandra with us riding. Playing cards and laughing together, the same way he and Tamara and I used to do. It almost felt like nothing had happened between us, and I even convinced myself that it hadn’t. Vance was still my friend, like he had always been my friend.

  Just before it was time for him to leave, Vance took me aside. We were walking together in the garden, the evening after Gill had returned, and agreed to allow Chandra to remain. “I hate having to leave you,” he whispered. “I know what we did together was unacceptable, and it never should have happened, but I just need to touch you one more time,” he begged. I did not blame him, because I wanted the feel of him too. It was probably the only time I would ever be with a man like that again, and Vance knew all my secrets. He wanted me, in spite of what Sheldon and Jim had done. Or maybe he wanted me because he knew no one else would want me, if they knew about Sheldon and Jim. I didn’t question it. Soon he would be gone, and I would be alone with Connor and Gill, trying to act the proper heiress, when I knew nothing about me was proper.

  Vance pulled me down between some overgrown bushes, on the outskirts of the garden, and once again we shared each other’s touch, thinking it would be the last time we could ever touch each other again.

  Gill seemed happy to give his blessing for Chandra to remain. I was glad, because now I would have a companion closer to my own age. Chandra and I had always gotten along. In a way, it was a gift Vance had left me. He had cared about Chandra’s safety and my need of a companion. It made me love Vance even more.

  Yes, I had to admit to myself that I did love Vance. I had questioned my love for Sheldon. It was like he had talked me into saying I loved him, but Vance had earned my love, even if he never intended to marry me. Only Vance still had his schooling to finish. I looked forward to the next time Vance would come and visit me.

  I did not end up getting a baby. I guess I was like Claudia, locked in the tower, never having a child for years, no matter how many times her husband tried to bring one on.

  Vance returned many times during his breaks from school. He would spend time with me and Chandra, having proper fun together, but whenever we were alone, we could not help ourselves, because we both knew what the other longed for. I toyed with the possibility that maybe Vance would end up falling in love with me, and forget about my scar, insisting he could not live without me, once he finished his schooling. I prayed for when that day would arrive.

  But even though our intimacy grew stronger, we never once spoke of love, or marriage, or the future. We only lived for the times we could share each other’s bodies, and God never allowed me to get a baby, even when we did it in the missionary position. God must have finally forgiven me, for past sins, and allowed me this one pleasure, without any consequences. I started to like God again.

  Chandra often spoke of how much she missed Vance, when he had gone back to school. She told me of how Sheldon kept insisting he still loved me, and that was why he was so upset that no one could find me. But I knew Sheldon didn’t love me. He had loved the power he thought he had over me. He had been obsessed with me. But it was never kin to love. I tried not to think about Sheldon. I only thought of Vance, and continued writing him, while he continued to finish his schooling.

  Chandra would put her letters to Vance in with mine, and I knew how much she idolized him, because he had taken her under his wing, and brought her to me in order to save her from her drunken father, and angry brother.

  Gill still looked longingly at me, and we talked often, but I knew it was Vance I loved, and when Vance finished school, he would realize that he loved me as well. Why did it matter that I had been used before Vance came into my life? After all, now Vance had the same pleasure. Surely he would see that to continue sharing our love, he would have to gain that strong Character and plead for me to marry him. Of course, he would not have to plead for long. I realized, Connor had been right, I would change my attitude about getting married, as I grew older. But it was up to Vance to give me the opportunity to show Connor I had changed, and wished to be married to someone I loved. After all, the only people who knew I had been ruined were Connor, and Vance. No one had to know, and since Vance had already had me, he could pretend I was still a virgin when we got married. After all the main drawback of being compromised was that your husband would not have a virgin on his wedding night. What difference would that make now, I wondered, if Vance actually loved me. I kept grasping at straws of hope.

  I remained for the next three years with Gill, Connor, and Chandra. When I turned eighteen, I was given my inheritance, but Connor was to remain, as my guardian until I turned twenty one, or got married. It was growing close to the finish of Vance’s schooling, and he would go in partnership with his father, in a law firm. Soon Connor would not have to wo
rry about his responsibility towards me, I thought. Vance would come through, and my life could go back to normal, with Vance protecting me from Sheldon and his father. Chandra could come and stay with us, and we would be a happy family together.

  Gill and I remained good friends, but he stopped asking me to marry him. I wondered if he suspected that Vance and I spent intimate time together. I didn’t care. I looked forward to the times Vance would be there, and I think Vance looked forward to them too. That was why it came as such a shock to me, that when Vance graduated from law school, he asked Chandra to marry him.

  Chandra was beside herself with happiness. She had idolized Vance, but I thought it was brotherly love she felt for him. I was crushed. I could barely breathe when we were informed of the so called good news.

  Vance had a hard time looking me in the eye, when he told us, and I had a hard time containing my anger and deep hurt. I could not believe it. I hadn’t even seen it coming. Vance announced it at dinner, and informed us that he was taking Chandra back with him and we were all invited to the wedding.

  It was all I could do not to bolt from the table, or start screaming at Vance and admitting he had been my lover all this time, and now he was asking Chandra to be his wife! He had used me the same way Sheldon had, only it was worse because he had been gentle and loving and acted like it didn’t matter what had happened to me in my past. I suddenly realized he was treating me like the street woman he thought of me as being. I was a mere trollop as far as he was concerned, I fumed inside. I could see Connor give me a quick glance. He knew, I thought to myself. I could never keep secrets from Connor, yet he had never indicated he knew anything about my feelings for Vance.