by Kieran Scott
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
I walked around the end of the bed and over to her. I almost died of relief when she let me touch her. I put my hand on her shoulder, and when she didn’t pull away, I moved it so that my thumb was just touching her cheek.
“Ally, I love you, okay?” I said. “I love you more than anything. I never loved her. It meant nothing.”
Ally took in a broken breath. “Apparently it meant a baby.”
I looked at the floor. At her feet in her favorite Converse. I really did want to die.
“I think you should go.”
Fear filled my chest.
“No. Come on. Please. Let’s just—”
“I want to be alone,” Ally said.
My hand dropped. I couldn’t just leave. I needed more. I needed to know this wasn’t it. So I leaned in to kiss her, but she turned her head. My lips bumped her cheek.
“Okay,” I said hopelessly. “Okay. I’ll go.”
I turned around and headed for the door. Then something Chloe had said suddenly hit me and, as much as it sucked, I had to turn back.
“Don’t tell anyone, okay? Chloe hasn’t even told Shannen or Faith or her parents. I mean, I told her you already know, but … she wants to wait until she figures out what she’s gonna do.”
I expected Ally to yell or throw something at me for asking her to do me a favor—do Chloe a favor—but instead she just nodded. “Okay.”
Then there was nothing else to do but turn around and walk out.
jake
I lay on the floor of my room, knocking the back of my head against the carpet over and over again in the dark. On my desk, my computer was set to Ally’s website where Ally kept scoring the winning shot in the Chestnut Grove game over and over and over again. I kept hearing my own voice cheering for her in the background as the ball sunk through the hoop, and I wanted to climb up the bleachers and punch that guy—that guy I used to be. He was such a clueless idiot, living in his own clueless idiot bubble. I wanted to punch him in the face and maybe weld his zipper shut, too.
A baby. Chloe pregnant. I couldn’t even imagine it. I’d never even held a baby in my life. It couldn’t be real.
How was I supposed to be a father? What was I going to do, quit school and work at Jump, Java, and Wail! full-time? A wave of cold terror went through me at the thought. But wait. Stop. No. I might not even have to be a father. Chloe could have an abortion. Or she could put the baby up for adoption, right? I mean, she wasn’t going to want to, like, marry me or some shit, was she?
My eyes squeezed closed. Probably I should’ve asked her a few of these things when I was at her house. What was wrong with me?
More cheers from the computer. I pressed my lips together and stopped breathing. Ally and I had worked on the website over the past couple of weeks, uploading videos of her playing basketball so scouts and coaches could check her out. I’d had one since the middle of last year. My dad had gotten some guy at his office to throw it together for me with clips of soccer games, swim meets, and lacrosse matches. Anything to try to get me into a good school, because we knew my grades weren’t gonna do it. Most of the athletes at OHH had one, but Ally had no idea people did this until I told her, and now she’d had over a hundred hits. I’d been so proud of myself for helping her out, but now it seemed so stupid. So, like, trivial. Because now I’d ruined everything.
I’d killed my relationship with Ally. And now yeah, maybe she’d be going to a good school, but where the hell would I be going? Nowhere. If Chloe did want to keep the baby, I’d be going exactly nowhere. Not Fordham, where my parents wanted me to go, not Rutgers, where the lacrosse team was calling my name, not to any of the zillions of schools constantly sending e-mails and catalogs and letters. The dream of getting out of here, away from my family, being free to do whatever the hell I wanted? It would all be over. Just like that.
In his room next door, my brother, Jonah, laughed, talking on the phone with one of his friends. For the first time in my life I wished I was him. Nothing to worry about except whether or not he was gonna make the varsity team this year.
I slung my arm over my eyes in the dark, blocking out the colors from the video that reflected on the ceiling. Squeezing my eyes shut as hard as I could, I went back to that night. That night with Chloe. That night that going over there had seemed like such a bad idea, but I’d gone anyway.
Why had I gone? Why, why, why?
Because of Will. Because I’d seen Will leaving there and I was jealous. But why? I didn’t like Chloe. Not the way I liked Ally. Why did I give a crap that Will had been over there in the middle of the night?
I bit down on my tongue because I knew the answer and it sucked. I’d been jealous because I’d thought Chloe wanted me, and I’d liked it. Because when we’d driven home from the movies earlier, she’d looked so hot and seemed so willing that I’d actually thought about kissing her. And it pissed me off that I was wrong. That apparently she had a thing for Will and not me. So I’d gone over there…. I’d gone over there to prove that I was hotter than Will Halloran. To prove that she actually did want me.
I was going to be a fucking father because I couldn’t deal with the fact that a girl could like someone else more than she liked me.
I flung my arm out, punching the floor so hard I saw stars. My teeth ground into my lip as I bit back tears. There was no way I was going to cry. I was not going to cry over the fact that I was an ego-crazed asshole with no self-control. I would not I would not I would not.
I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes and saw myself rushing down the stairs and out the front door that night.
“Don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it,” I whispered in the dark.
I saw myself cross the street and creep through the rose garden.
“Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t.”
I saw my hands on the trellis, felt the thorns brush my arms, heard the new floorboards of Chloe’s deck creak under my feet.
“No no no no no.”
But as hard as I pressed, as tightly as I clenched, as long as I held my breath, I couldn’t stop what happened next. I couldn’t take it back. Within thirty seconds I was kissing her and within three minutes we were on the bed and within ten minutes it was over.
And now I was completely and utterly screwed. For life.
september
I can’t believe Ally and Jake didn’t show up at the party last night.
Maybe they think they’re too good for us.
Or maybe they had something cooler to do.
Probably. Now that Ally’s a Crestie again, those two are gonna be the power couple to end all power couples.
Unless they were off somewhere breaking up. Maybe he doesn’t want to be tied down by one girl this year.
You think? You think Jake Graydon is single again?
A girl can dream.
ally
The first day of school was all blue skies, bright sunshine, and balmy breezes, like Mother Nature was mocking us for having to sit inside all day. But I was so nervous as my mother and I walked up the steps toward the junior-senior entrance of Orchard Hill High that I barely noticed the weather. My vision homed in on all the important players like I was sizing up a battle scene.
Chloe was chatting with Faith Kirkpatrick on one of the stone benches outside the door, Chloe in brown linen shorts and a white top, Faith sporting her requisite minidress. God, I could barely even look at Chloe. She’d had sex with Jake. She’d seen my boyfriend naked. Or, at least partially naked. How naked had they actually gotten? Had it been short and fumbly and awkward or lingering and breathless and—
“Ally, don’t forget we’re tasting cakes after school today.”
I blinked at my mom, trying to replace the image of sweaty skin with pink-icing roses.
“Right. Okay.”
My attention immediately returned to Chloe. If she was upset, she was doing a fab job at hiding it, flipping her hair, waving to friends
, shrieking over some text Faith showed her. A group of football players stood nearby in maroon and white jerseys, and one of them, Will Halloran, kept angling toward Chloe like he was trying to hear what she was saying. Shannen was nowhere to be seen, but Hammond stood next to the double glass doors with his arms crossed and a glower on, like he was a bouncer intent on keeping pasty dorks out of his exclusive club. The glower, of course, was directed at Jake, who stood a few feet away, laughing with Connor, Josh, and the Idiot Twins. He had a small, purple-pink bruise next to his left eye, which hadn’t been there last night. Had he gotten in another fight after leaving Gray’s house, or had I just not noticed it?
I paused a couple of steps from the top. My mom looked back at me. Her dark brown hair was up in a loose bun and she was wearing a colorful plaid pencil skirt and blue button-down shirt. I saw Connor Shale check out her butt and just knew what he was thinking: Hot librarian. Made me want to gag. But she had been working out a lot for the wedding and even I’d noticed she was looking prettier than ever lately.
“Everything okay, hon?” she asked.
My eyes flicked to where the guys were standing. Jake hadn’t noticed us yet.
“Yeah. I guess I just feel a little old to be walking into school with my mommy.”
She smiled and tilted her head. “So I guess no kiss for luck, then?”
I smirked. My mom had never been one for humiliating public displays of affection.
“Not this year,” I joked back.
“Shucks. And I even wore my new red lipstick for the occasion.”
“Hilarious Mom. Hilarious,” I said.
“Have a good day, Ally,” she replied with a wry smile. Then she turned and walked inside, pretending she didn’t notice Connor practically falling over for a better look.
With a deep breath I approached Jake. I could feel the junior girls watching me. I wondered how many people knew Jake and I were together. I wondered if they cared. Then Jake turned and saw me, and nothing those people knew or thought or believed mattered.
He was completely beautiful and I was in love with him and he was mine. Whatever happened over the summer was in the past. Right now, this minute, he was mine.
I walked right up to him, slipped my arms around his neck, and gave him a long, firm kiss, pressing away the images of his body against Chloe’s. Every inch of me relaxed and I felt like we were the only two people there. Everyone else faded into gray. That was when I knew for sure that I had made the right decision—that I was doing the right thing.
Jake broke away first. By that time, his friends were catcalling and laughing. Over his shoulder I saw Hammond roll his eyes and storm inside. I forced myself not to check for Chloe’s reaction.
“What are you … I mean, are you … okay?” Jake whispered to me.
“Dude! Can you do that again?” Trevor Stein crowed. His brown hair was spiky, like he’d just stuck his finger in an electrical socket, and he wore a bright surfer tee over shorts. He tugged his phone out of one of the pockets and pointed it at us. “I want to get it on video.”
“Do it with tongue this time!” his twin brother, Todd, added. He wore a similar T-shirt, but his hair was tamed, flopping over his forehead and making him look like a puppy dog.
As was often the best tactic with the Idiot Twins, I ignored them.
“Can I talk to you for a second? Alone?” I asked Jake.
“Definitely.” He took my hand and flicked Trevor on the forehead as he led me away.
“Ow!” Trevor whined. Then he turned around and flicked Todd the exact same way. Before we’d gotten five yards toward the corner, the two of them were wrestling on the ground and everyone was gathering to cheer.
Welcome to Orchard Hill High.
Jake tugged me around the corner and laid another kiss on me. This one was slow and deep and definitely involved tongue. My brain started to filter in images of Chloe, but I pushed them back and repeated three words to myself.
I love him. I love him. I love him.
When we finally came up for air, Jake hugged me close for a second and I listened to his heart pounding beneath the soft cotton of his navy-and-white striped T-shirt. By the way he was deliberately slowing his breathing, I could tell he was relieved. He stroked my hair down my back and I smiled slightly, relishing the moment.
“So you’re not mad anymore?” he asked finally.
I leaned back so I could see him. “No. Not mad.” It was a lie, but a white lie. I felt less mad this morning, which gave me hope that I’d feel even less mad tomorrow morning. I bunched up a bit of his shirt, then let it go and smoothed it out over his stomach. “I thought about it last night, like, the whole night.”
“Tell me about it,” he said, rolling his eyes.
I chose not to ponder what part he’d been thinking about the whole night. He actually did look kind of tired. His skin was waxy and his eyes were a little bloodshot. But it didn’t matter. He was the hottest thing I’d ever seen. Those junior girls who’d been watching us were probably plotting my assassination right now. Everyone wanted Jake Graydon. Even Chloe Appleby, apparently. That was just the way it worked around here. And I couldn’t exactly blame them. But he was my boyfriend, and he was going to stay that way.
“And I realized I couldn’t be a hypocrite,” I said.
His brow knit, confused. “What do you mean?”
I looked away and lifted a shoulder. A school bus pulled up at the end of the long line of cars along the drive. The door opened with a hiss, spewing forth laughing sophomores and timid-looking freshmen.
“I mean, I did … stuff with Cooper this summer too,” I said, fiddling with my own fingertips. His jaw clenched, but he said nothing. This sort of icky triumphant feeling bubbled up inside of me, which made me feel like a total jerk. But is it that wrong that I thought he deserved to feel jealous too, on some level? Just this once? “You were right. We weren’t together. So unless you’re gonna hate me for Cooper, I can’t hate you for Chloe.”
Jake nodded, looking less than pleased. I bet he was wondering what “stuff” I’d done with Cooper. Good. Let him wonder.
“I know this is gonna be complicated. Like, beyond complicated,” I said. “But I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
Jake blew out a sigh. “Thank God,” he said dramatically, tipping his head back and leaning back against the brick wall. “I swear I thought I was going to have to kidnap you and make you run away with me or something. I had us living in a hut on the beach in Mexico by next weekend.”
I laughed and grabbed both his hands, lacing our fingers together. “Is that what you were up all night thinking about? Your kidnapping plot?”
“Yeah. Why? What did you think I was thinking about?” he asked innocently.
The warning bell rang and a couple of kids shrieked as they ran for the sophomore/freshman entrance. Jake and I exchanged a look of dread as the last reverberations died away. I didn’t want to go in there. I didn’t want to deal.
“How were we going to get to this beach exactly?” I asked.
He smirked and slung his arm over my shoulders. “I was thinking private jet. If you’re gonna kidnap someone, I figure you gotta go big.”
As we made our way back around to the front of the building, our steps got slower and slower. But no matter how hard we tried, eventually we arrived. Chloe and Faith were just getting up from their bench and walking inside.
“Hey, guys,” Chloe said, glancing at me uncertainly.
They were the first words Chloe had spoken to me since telling me off at Shannen’s birthday party last year, after she found out I’d kissed Hammond once when we were freshmen. I guess she realized it wouldn’t make sense to stay mad at me for kissing her man three years ago when she’d gone all the way and back with mine, like, last month. I thought about averting my eyes, walking away, giving her the cold shoulder, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As much as it killed just to be near her, I’d never been good at being mean. It wasn’t in
my DNA, even though I sometimes wished it was. Just a little.
“Hi.” I stared at Chloe’s back as we followed her inside, trying to sort through how I felt. Who was she in this scenario? An unlucky girl who got pregnant by mistake, or the evil slut who went after my man? Was it possible to be both?
“I cannot believe you guys skipped Connor’s last night. Even Hammond and Shannen didn’t show,” Faith said, grabbing my arm. Her straight blond hair shone in the sun and she tugged down on the skirt of her plaid dress, which she’d probably be doing for the rest of the day. I couldn’t exactly decide how I felt about her, considering she’d been a total bitch to me last year and then sucked up to me all summer. But at the moment, figuring out my friendship with Faith was pretty low on my priority list. “What were you guys up to, anyway? Having an orgy without me?” she joked.
Chloe turned green and practically flung herself inside. Jake’s grip on my hand tightened like a vice. Faith giggled and skipped ahead of us, and Jake grabbed the door before it could slam into my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I said, trying to sound normal and failing miserably.
“Anytime,” he replied, matching my tone.
Our expressions were grim as we stepped over the threshold together, hand in hand. This was it. My senior year. It was gonna be superfun.
jake
Jump, Java, and Wail! was packed for a Wednesday night. A crowd of sophomores sat in the corner making ridiculous noise like they were the only people in the place. Probably drunk with freedom over being allowed out on a school night. I kind of remembered the feeling. Now here I was, working on a school night, whispering to my girlfriend about the girl whose oven I’d bunned.
I wished I was a sophomore again.
“So you didn’t talk to her? Not once?” Ally was saying.
“Nope. We have, like, one class together and every time I even looked at her she looked away.” I wiped out a wet mug with my towel and added the mug to the stack behind the counter. “I guess she’s avoiding me.”