Return to Sender

by Ashlyn Kane

  “Honestly,” said Jonah with a huff that belied his somewhat less-than-sane grin, “it’s like you don’t even know me.”

  Jonah was once again relaxed against the counter, elbows firmly planted and forearms stretched toward Emerson.

  “Sadly, I know you all too well,” Emerson said. Jonah grinned widely at that, and Emerson was so captivated that he didn’t look up when the door’s bell rang.

  “Sadly? Again with the insults! If I was a less secure man, I’d start doubting your love and affection for me!”

  “It’s hard to imagine a world in which Jonah Cherneski isn’t a very secure man.”

  Emerson and Jonah both jumped at the third voice joining in on their conversation. Jonah turned so that he could get a view of the door, while Emerson glanced over his shoulder to see—Justin Grossman. Justin was standing just inside the door, hands stuffed into his pockets and wearing a smile.

  “Hey, Emerson.” He shot Emerson a smile, then turned to Jonah and gave him a nod. “Jonah.”

  “Justin.” Jonah shifted his weight so that he was standing up straight and tall; his face was tight, his tone wary.

  As the shock of seeing Justin wore off, Emerson felt a smile cross his face. Despite the somewhat messy end of their short courtship, Emerson had more good memories about Justin than bad. “Justin. How have you been?”

  Welcomed now, Justin walked forward. “I’ve been good. I was back in town for the holidays—needed to visit the folks before they nagged me to death about neglect.”

  Emerson offered another smile. He remembered Justin’s parents well. They had been… “overprotective” was not too strong a word. “How are they?”

  “Good. Mom and I were in town today, and I thought that I might stop by to say hello.”

  It was Jonah who answered next. “Well, here you are, and you’ve said hello.” His voice was as hard and unwelcoming as his body language. Both arms were crossed tightly over his chest, and—did it look bigger than before?

  Emerson took a moment to stare at his boyfriend. What was up with Jonah? Usually he was nicer than this.

  Justin broke the awkward pause this time. “So. How’s life treating you?”

  Emerson grinned wide. “Very good.” His life had been too good these past few weeks for him to answer any other way.

  “Going to school?”

  “Yeah, design at U of T.”

  “Wow, great! You were always so talented. It’s good to hear you followed your dreams of being an artist.”

  Emerson felt himself blush. “Thanks.”

  Justin gave him a bright smile before he turned to Jonah. He didn’t seem put off by the tense line of Jonah’s shoulders or the way a small frown was creasing the skin between his eyebrows. “And what about you? English at U of T?”

  “No. Creative writing.”

  “Ah.”

  Emerson stared at Jonah. Why had Jonah just lied? Well, sure, he hadn’t exactly lied, but why not mention that he wasn’t at U of T? Shaking himself, he tried to regain the thread of conversation. “What about you?”

  “I’m studying at Stanford.” Justin’s pride was obvious.

  Emerson smiled. “So you did pick Stanford in the end.”

  “Well, it wasn’t much contest. They offered California weather,” Justin said with a wink.

  “I can’t argue with that—not after being to San Francisco,” Emerson agreed.

  “You were in San Fran? What’d you see there?”

  “Went to visit with Jonah.” Emerson tipped his head in his boyfriend’s direction.

  Justin’s eyes flicked back and forth between them. “Jonah was in San Fran?”

  “Yes.” Jonah’s voice was tight. “I’m living there at the moment.”

  “At the moment.” Justin arched one fine eyebrow. “Decide against U of T in the end?”

  “No. I did some traveling after high school.” Jonah looked unhappy to admit it.

  Justin arched an eyebrow. “What happened to all the plans for Jonah and Emerson’s Excellent Adventure at U of T?”

  There was an awkward pause before Emerson finally managed to say, “Jonah went for the school of life instead. Did the backpacking and crappy job thing.”

  “Ah…. So, Jonah, creative writing at USF?”

  Emerson had to hand it to Justin for his continued attempts to engage a man in conversation when the man was wearing that foreboding look.

  “Yes,” Jonah said shortly, standing tall and looking down his nose at Justin.

  Justin nodded. “Home for the holidays, then. They been good so far?”

  Jonah nodded. “Very.”

  There was a long, awkward pause. Again. Emerson looked back and forth between the two men in front of him. Jonah looked so intimidating. Emerson frowned. What was up with Jonah? Why was he acting so…. Oh. Wow. Okay, Emerson was feeling a bit stupid now. He couldn’t exactly blame Jonah for being antsy about Justin’s presence.

  Emerson decided to break the silence. “We haven’t seen each other since my trip to San Fran last summer, so yeah, it’s been a very good break so far.” Emerson offered a smile.

  Justin gave a knowing nod. “Must be difficult being so far away from a friend. I know you two were always close.”

  Emerson felt himself heat at that. Yes, Justin had always known how close they were—and how close Emerson wanted them to be. The subtext hit Emerson hard, though he wasn’t quite sure what it was about that comment that made Jonah bristle so much.

  “It was,” Jonah said. “But it’s more difficult to be far away from my boyfriend.” There was another pause. Emerson restrained the urge to smack the back of Jonah’s head. That was… tactless.

  Justin gave a barking laugh of surprise. “Boyfriend? So you two are…?” Jonah nodded once, sharp. Justin’s grin grew. “Well, damn. So you finally pulled your head out of your ass, Cherneski? ’Bout damn time you did right by Em!”

  Emerson felt heat bloom across the tops of his cheeks. Damn, he had forgotten how forthright Justin could be.

  “Um,” said Jonah, who was looking thrown and off-balance. Emerson also noticed that his chest seemed smaller again.

  Justin gave an easy laugh. “Man, I was so jealous of you when we were in high school.”

  Jonah stared at Justin. “You were?”

  “Of course. Emerson was crazy in love with you and wouldn’t let me get anywhere. He turned down every date.” Justin shot Emerson a grin as if they were sharing a private joke. Emerson felt a little too uneasy about the whole situation. His relationship with Jonah and their honesty about their feelings still felt too new to be poking fun at himself for being secretly in love for so long.

  “And it didn’t help that you were on record as being straight. You get a little bent on that trip of self-discovery?”

  Jonah frowned. “Something like that.”

  “Well, it’s good to see you two together. You always were disgustingly perfect for each other.” Justin grinned. Jonah continued to look displeased, and Emerson felt another rush of embarrassment. “How long has this been going on?”

  “Since July.” Jonah’s voice was still tight.

  “Last July? You mean it took you two more years to get your ass in gear?”

  Jonah went stiff again, his face flushed red. He still looked angry, but there was an uncertainty to him now.

  “Jonah was traveling a lot. He lived all over the country for two years. Snail mail kind of slows things down,” Emerson was quick to say. Whatever mistakes he and Jonah had made on their road to here were for no one else to judge.

  Justin gave Emerson an odd look. “Ri-ight.” His gaze flicked over to Jonah.

  “So!” Emerson burst out, disliking the tension that kept building in Jonah’s body. “How long are you in town for?”

  Justin smiled again. “Two more weeks. I leave the day after New Year’s.”

  Emerson offered another smile. “Nice long visit, then.”

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “Look, I was h
oping that we could get together for drinks while I was here. We haven’t seen each other for almost three years. Time to catch up, yeah?”

  Emerson nodded, but before he could reply, Jonah shifted to stand up straight again and said, “Drinks would be good.” His voice was a little too loud.

  Justin turned to look at Jonah. There was another brief pause, and then he recovered. “Right. Well, whenever is good for me. Em, maybe we could do coffee this week? Vinnie doesn’t arrive until the twenty-sixth, so Jonah may rather we wait for drinks until then.”

  “Vinnie?” Emerson didn’t remember ever meeting a Vinnie before.

  “Yeah. Vincent—my boyfriend.”

  Oh! Justin had a boyfriend! Thank you! Emerson thought, feeling relieved. Maybe now Jonah would calm down.

  “So maybe drinks the twenty-seventh or twenty-eighth?” Justin was saying. “Just think Jonah might like someone to talk to while we lament our bio mark.” He gave Emerson a wink and flirty smile at that.

  Emerson smiled back. “Okay. Sounds like a plan. I live in Austin these days, and usually I’m only in the Bend for shifts here or to see my mom, so how about I give you my number and we can set a time up for coffee?”

  Justin agreed it was a good plan and whipped out his phone to input the number Emerson recited for him. Then he was putting his phone away and making his excuses. “Mom was headed into the natural products shop next door when I decided that here sounded better, but I should get back to her before she forgets I’m with her today and leaves without me. Wouldn’t want to have to walk home!”

  Emerson gave a laugh before waving Justin off. “See you later!”

  Then, with one last, “Later Emerson! Jonah,” Justin was gone.

  Silence filled he shop in his wake. Jonah was still looking agitated.

  Best to get Jonah talking about it now, Emerson thought. Fortunately, it often didn’t take much to get Jonah talking when something was bothering him—if you knew what you were doing. And Emerson had had years of teen angst to perfect his technique. “Well, it should be interesting to meet ‘Vinnie’,” Emerson tried.

  Jonah grunted.

  “It was good to see Justin again,” he tried next.

  “I don’t like him.”

  Ah-ha! Success. “I could tell.”

  “He’s a flirt! He has a boyfriend, you have a boyfriend, and he was flirting.” Jonah huffed and crossed his arms.

  “A total flirt?” Emerson arched an eyebrow at his boyfriend. He had to admit to himself that he was kind of enjoying Jonah’s display of jealousy. It wasn’t often that Emerson got to see this kind of proof of Jonah’s love. “Now who does that sound like?”

  Jonah frowned at him.

  “Did you know that when we go out together, you flirt with every single person who’s paid to give us service from bus drivers to waiters?”

  Jonah’s eyes went wide, and his arms loosened. “What! I do not!”

  “Yes, you do. You always have.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

  Emerson stared at his boyfriend for a moment and realized that Jonah was being fairly honest. “Jonah. At the Starbucks last week, why exactly do you think the cute barista gave you a free cookie?”

  Jonah pouted. It wasn’t entirely unexpected. “Because I’m obviously a hungry growing boy?”

  With a roll of his eyes, Emerson replied, “Because you were flirting, and she was hoping to convince you to come back for more coffee. Soon.”

  “But…! But…!” Jonah stammered before letting out a pathetic whine. “It’s not on purpose!”

  Oh, geez. Emerson had long ago gotten used to the way that Jonah flirted. He had started about the same time they got to high school. Jonah was just an outgoing and personable guy, and he couldn’t help but flirt. Or at least behave in a manner that most people construed as flirting.

  There was a time when Emerson had been jealous, had hated the way that Jonah flirted with everyone because he thought it meant less when Jonah was teasing and joking with him. Until he realized that Jonah didn’t remember them, didn’t let his gaze linger or check for reactions in them after he got what he’d gone to them for. No, Jonah took their attention while they sold him coffee or while they helped him find a book, but he never sought out their attention simply for the sake of it.

  “Jonah! I’m not complaining—” and he wasn’t “—because I know you don’t want the barista—or the bus driver or the waiter. I’m just saying: there’s a reason I liked Justin in the first place.” Emerson paused then to let that sink in. Then he gave Jonah his best meaningful look. “Also, there’s a reason why I turned him down.”

  “Oh.” Jonah stared at him, then blinked. “Oh.” Emerson knew his boyfriend was brighter than he looked.

  Jonah shot a glance at the closed door. “Can I blow you now?”

  Then again…. Emerson blushed fiercely. He was sure his face must be beet red. “The store is still open, Jonah. You’re going to have to wait. Also—there are a lot of windows in here!”

  “I could totally hide behind the counter!”

  Emerson glared at his boyfriend. Judging from Jonah’s look, he hadn’t quite pulled off “menacing.”

  “Oh, fine, but don’t think you’re getting out of it. Your dick is mine later.”

  “Jesus, Jonah,” Emerson said, his face still hot. Sometimes Jonah’s horndog tendencies were very embarrassing. Though…. “Like I’m gonna argue with that,” he muttered.

  Jonah’s grin was wide and delighted. “So we’re agreed then!” He clapped his hands together in emphasis. Emerson just hid his face in his hands. And wished that it was already time to close the store.

  §

  EMERSON was happily curled up on the couch, leaning against Jonah’s side and lazily watching the film credits roll past. Jonah’s arm was tossed over his shoulder, and his fingers were tracing random patterns over Emerson’s bicep.

  “So, there’s a conversation you’ve been avoiding having with me.”

  Emerson frowned. “What?” He glanced up in time to see Jonah’s eyebrow arch.

  “Don’t give me that look. You know what I mean. You promised that we’d talk when I got here for Christmas.”

  “Uh….”

  “Emerson, our sexual histories.”

  Emerson glanced away. He could feel the heat fill his face. Oh, that conversation.

  Jonah’s fingers stopped moving, and soon he was rubbing the palm of his hand up and down Emerson’s arm in a soothing touch. “Em, I really should know.”

  “I don’t—there’s not much to tell,” Emerson admitted, uncomfortable. He was pretty sure that there was a lot to tell when it came to Jonah’s sex life. Unlike Emerson, Jonah had dated in high school, and Emerson was pretty sure that most of his girlfriends had let him get to second base. And that didn’t even take into account his girlfriends and boyfriends since he’d left Hudson Bend.

  “Ri-ight,” Jonah drawled. “Says the guy who wrote me a drunken letter about how he lost his virginity at a frat party.”

  Blushing, Emerson pushed his face into Jonah’s chest. “It wasn’t—it was just a hand job,” Emerson muttered.

  “Uh huh. A hand job that was awful? Don’t think that I forgot about that.”

  Emerson covered his face, embarrassed by the memory of the hand job and the letter he’d sent Jonah. “Why can’t you just let this drop?”

  “Because I—Em, as far as I know, you’ve kissed three men, one of which while drunk, and you’ve had one drunken hand job that was bad. So, I’d really like to know if there’s more than that. I’m a little… concerned.”

  “Concerned?”

  “About what you’re comfortable with doing.”

  Emerson fidgeted, his hand now dropped from his face and fiddling with the hem of Jonah’s shirt. “There isn’t much more than that. I kissed some of the guys I dated. I swapped hand jobs with some of them.”

  There was a moment of silence as Jonah seemingly digested
this information. Then he asked, “You ever been blown before?”

  Emerson lifted his head so that he could look Jonah in the eye and then arched one eyebrow.

  “Besides me,” Jonah amended.

  Emerson looked away again, uncomfortable with the memories. He didn’t want to have to look Jonah in the face as he remembered that night. “Once,” he admitted grudgingly.

  Jonah nodded. “So, hand jobs, one blow job, and some making out. Anything else?”

  Emerson stayed silent. Of course there was something else, but he really didn’t want to tell Jonah about it.

  “Em.”

  “Jonah,” Emerson parroted back, putting the same serious tone on the name.

  “Emerson, what aren’t you telling me?” Apparently Jonah would not be swayed from this topic. Emerson wondered if maybe he could just ignore Jonah. Maybe if he said nothing Jonah would give up?

  “Emerson, is there something you’re embarrassed about?” There was another pause as Jonah waited, and Emerson refused to answer. “Something you wish you hadn’t done?” Jonah said, and Emerson could tell by the tone of his voice that he was just working things out. Emerson wished he were somewhere else right now. He straightened up and turned his face away. “Em, you can tell me. I won’t judge you, not about this.”

  Jonah’s hand landed on his back, rubbing up and down coaxingly. Emerson was beginning to get that he wasn’t going to get away with not saying anything. He bit his lip in consideration and then took a deep, shaky breath. “I was drunk and upset….”

  “So you made a mistake?”

  Emerson nodded. Then, when he said nothing more, Jonah asked, “Someone wanted a blow job?”

  Emerson crossed his arms over his chest. “No.” He chewed his lip before admitting, “I went back to his….”

  He could sense Jonah shifting behind him. He could sense that Jonah was tensing his muscles. “Em, what happened at his place?”

  Emerson swallowed. He could do this. He just needed to start out slow. “Um, he wanted….” He stuttered to a halt.

  “Em, okay, you’re starting to freak me out a little. He didn’t force you into anything, did he?”

  Emerson’s body jolted in shock. “No,” he blurted out. “I—I let him.” Emerson rubbed his palms up and down his biceps. “I—he wanted to….” Emerson couldn’t get the words out.